falxmanolo Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Hey guys, things are going great with the BF. We hardly fight, bicker etc. We even managed to work through our conflicting sleep habits and things are going great! So my boyfriend is away on a 10 day holiday with his mates. He's going to Amsterdam and then Berlin and to a couple of more places. He's flying to Berlin today and I'm ****ting myself because of what happened yesterday. I am a relatively rational person but isn't that nuts?! To go to a place that is clearly so unsafe and on high alert?! So I did what forms the basis of all good relationships- I told him I'm afraid for his safety and he just dismissed it and said it will be fine!!! This is his safety he's putting at risk aaarghhhhh!!!!!! He seemed so blasé and indifferent about it- part of it is probably him being stoned thanks to good quality Dutch green. But part of me is astounded?! I'm not a needy or jealous girlfriend (used to be so I know this feeling all too well). Hell, I had no issues with him going to Amsterdam on a lads holiday because I trust him but he literally just texted me - "I'm going to Berlin because I want to go, that's what I want to do". I'm so mortified, he could've been at the Christmas market yesterday and I'm so afraid of him putting himself in this reckless situation. I feel like I can't talk to him anymore after his last text but it's so disturbing and I don't know what to do. Thank you guys xxx 1
Els Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 As scary as all the stuff that's going on in Germany is, technically you have higher odds of being a murder victim in many states in the US (if that's where you're from). I understand the concern, but you need to put this into perspective. 8
ExpatInItaly Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 As scary as all the stuff that's going on in Germany is, technically you have higher odds of being a murder victim in many states in the US (if that's where you're from). I understand the concern, but you need to put this into perspective. All of this. The odds of another attack happening again the same city so soon after the first are also very low. Though it was a horrifying event and your concerns are normal, try not to stress too much, OP. Statistically speaking, he's actually entering what is generally a safe country. 3
BlackCherry Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 You sound like you could use some help with anxiety and anxious thoughts. You're thinking about his trip to Berlin in terms of worst case scenario, when it's actually bound to be pretty safe right now due to increased security. I applaud your boyfriend and would do the exact same. Terrorists want to induce terror and affect how people behave and what they do. The only appropriate response is to continue going about your daily life with a middle finger held high! Here in the U.K., the day after the bus bombings people got right back on the buses to go to work, see friends etc. It's okay for you to feel uneasy, but not for that anxiety to influence you to put pressure on your boyfriend to alter these plans he's had for so long and probably spent a lot of money on. He's not recklessly endangering himself and it's unfair for him to have his trip marred by you trying to push him to come home or avoid Berlin or giving him frantic pleas or silent treatment over text. Just tell him you respect his decision, you can see you overreacted and hope he has a nice time, and to bring you back some bratwurst or something. And then deal with the anxiety and fear yourself, at home. 1
PegNosePete Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 As scary as all the stuff that's going on in Germany is, technically you have higher odds of being a murder victim in many states in the US (if that's where you're from). I understand the concern, but you need to put this into perspective. Yes, exactly. He is much more likely to be bitten by a snake than involved in a terrorist attack. 1
Tribble Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 It is difficult, but I agree with the others. I would do the same thing. I'd go. I've been many places that others deemed 'too risky'. You take your precautions and live your life. If you really thought about all the risks you take daily and were preoccupied with everything that could go wrong, you'd never do anything and have a very miserable life! As someone else said, this is what these people want. People to live in terror (which is why they're called terrorists) and not live their lives. Communicating with your SO is important but what did you expect to happen? Him to change his plans because you are afraid for his safety? It's a bit annoying that he was dismissive of you but you have to remember that he's on holiday, has made this decision and wants to have a good time. He doesn't want to spend his holiday reassuring you - nor should he have to. Breathe and try to control your anxiety. The world is a scary place right now. Many countries are on high alert. What will happen will happen, you can't control it. And it could happen anywhere at any time. Lightening rarely strikes the same place twice. 1
HereNorThere Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Clearly unsafe? Berlin???:laugh: Dude, I live in the U.S. I have to worry about someone getting pissed off over a messed up order at McDonalds and shooting the whole place up. Even worse, I live in Colorado. I pass the Aurora theater all the time. Columbine is just down the street. There was a dead body (stabbing) on the sidewalk in front of my building once. And I still feel safe here. Berlin? Really? He's going to be fine. If you said he was going to Aleppo, we'd worry with you. Berlin? Nahhhhh. I think you need to speak with a therapist because there's some real, irrational phobia there. I REFUSE to let fear dictate where I decide to go in this world. "Those who would give up essential liberty, to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety" - Benjamin Franklin 2
Satu Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 The US murder rate five times that of Germany, so you could say that Germany is five times safer. 1
Els Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 And I still feel safe here. Berlin? Really? He's going to be fine. If you said he was going to Aleppo, we'd worry with you. Berlin? Nahhhhh. I think you need to speak with a therapist because there's some real, irrational phobia there. FWIW, I don't think it's wrong or dysfunctional for the OP to feel the way she feels. Fear is a normal and human response in the wake of news like this. It's understandable. But it's important to learn to deal with the fear - and using statistics is as good a method as any. 3
HereNorThere Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Admittedly, maybe us Americans are just desensitized to it. I apologize if I discounted your fears. Violence is just the norm here. It's so normal now that incidents that small doesn't even register with us. I see attacks happening in Europe and discount a lot of it because they are so small and isolated, but that doesn't mean the fear isn't real. My apologies, OP. I was a little insensitive. 2
Satu Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 FWIW, I don't think it's wrong or dysfunctional for the OP to feel the way she feels. Fear is a normal and human response in the wake of news like this. It's understandable. But it's important to learn to deal with the fear - and using statistics is as good a method as any. I like to used evidence-based thinking, which often involves statistics. It's a very useful approach, in my opinion. 2
Jejangles Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Agreed with others, what happened yesterday is very upsetting but if I had plans to go to Berlin tomorrow, I would still go. There will be beefed up security and there is very little chance of anything else happening. Terrorism is designed to incite terror, so it is very natural for you to feel scared after an unpredictable and unforeseeable event. But as others have mentioned, you need to look at the bigger picture. We are all more likely to die in a car on the way to the airport than we are in a terror attack. Overall, Germany is a very safe country. The best way to fight terrorism is to continue on with our lives and not succumb to fear. I lived in London during the bus and tube bombings. It was unsettling, and of course everyone was on high alert for a bit after, but what I really noted was how quickly everything went back to normal. Unless you and your loved ones are directly affected by incidents like this, life goes on. Do not let fear of unforeseeable events rule your life (or impose those fears on others!) 1
Recommended Posts