StartAtTheEnd Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Hi there, My ex girlfriend and I broke up back in 2014, but we stayed best friends - we were together for 3 years. Im 30, and she is 39. Up until a week ago we saw each other a few times a week as friends. She has gone on a few dates since we broke up but nothing ever worked. We are still very close. However, a week ago she met a man in his 50's. She has basically moved into this guys house. She has a young son. The man has multiple adult kids who live away from home. He is also recently divorced. Issue with my ex-gf is that she has bipolar. She is a very vulnerable women, both financially and emotionally. Within a week this man has introduced my ex-gf to his parents and other family members, declared he is falling in love on facebook, and he has also gotten my ex-gf to introduce him to her parents via skype. She has basically moved into this guys house as well. All of this within a week. I could understand this behaviour in a 20 year old, but not a man in his mid 50's. My gut tells me that something is not right here. As I said, I care about my ex-gf deeply and I want her to meet a great guy. But she is also very vulnerable due to her limited employment prospects and mental illness. My gut tells me that this guy is a stage 5 creeper. Trying to isolate my ex-gf or get her trapped in being dependent on him. Does anyone else have any advice on this? Cheers.
Author StartAtTheEnd Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 I knew someone would say that. Thank you that is most helpful. I was hoping for some intelligent responses from people with more experience than me. Especially concerning the vulnerability of my ex-gf. I understand that some people will think it is none of my business but that is not what im asking here.
Gloria25 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 People are idiots now a days... They'll shack up (move in) with someone they just met a month ago. They also drag their kids around like luggage and just expose their kids to anyone. It's utter dysfunction and chaos out there if you ask me. And, don't get me started with Fakebook - where they have to post pictures and stuff of every freakin' minute of their fairytale, all show and tell.
BDJ_1 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 I knew someone would say that. Thank you that is most helpful. I was hoping for some intelligent responses from people with more experience than me. Especially concerning the vulnerability of my ex-gf. I understand that some people will think it is none of my business but that is not what im asking here. Mate, your ex-gf is 39. She's big enough to look after herself. Give advice if you feel you need but at the end of the day it's her life and she will make her own decisions which if you are a true friend you will support her through whether good or bad. I'm interested in why you broke up and why you are still friends who are catching up very regularly afterwards. You wouldn't be leveraging on her "vulnerability" to stay in her life in the hope she comes back to you by any chance? 5
TheTraveler Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Hi there, My ex girlfriend and I broke up back in 2014, but we stayed best friends - we were together for 3 years. Im 30, and she is 39. Up until a week ago we saw each other a few times a week as friends. She has gone on a few dates since we broke up but nothing ever worked. We are still very close. However, a week ago she met a man in his 50's. She has basically moved into this guys house. She has a young son. The man has multiple adult kids who live away from home. He is also recently divorced. Issue with my ex-gf is that she has bipolar. She is a very vulnerable women, both financially and emotionally. Within a week this man has introduced my ex-gf to his parents and other family members, declared he is falling in love on facebook, and he has also gotten my ex-gf to introduce him to her parents via skype. She has basically moved into this guys house as well. All of this within a week. I could understand this behaviour in a 20 year old, but not a man in his mid 50's. My gut tells me that something is not right here. As I said, I care about my ex-gf deeply and I want her to meet a great guy. But she is also very vulnerable due to her limited employment prospects and mental illness. My gut tells me that this guy is a stage 5 creeper. Trying to isolate my ex-gf or get her trapped in being dependent on him. Does anyone else have any advice on this? Cheers. Why do you care? It's her life 3
Author StartAtTheEnd Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 Mate, your ex-gf is 39. She's big enough to look after herself. Give advice if you feel you need but at the end of the day it's her life and she will make her own decisions which if you are a true friend you will support her through whether good or bad. I'm interested in why you broke up and why you are still friends who are catching up very regularly afterwards. You wouldn't be leveraging on her "vulnerability" to stay in her life in the hope she comes back to you by any chance? Of course she is a big girl. I have told her I hope it works out for her, while still expressing doubts about this guy. We broke up due to her bipolar illness. It was no-one's fault, just a condition that makes relationships very difficult. But that is well documented in the literature and I'm going to guess there is plenty of threads on here discussing the difficulty of living with this condition. I'm also in Australia, she is a foreign citizen living here due to a child custody arrangement. So she has no family here and limited employment prospects due to her condition. She is currently unemployed in any official capacity. I used to have to sometimes pay for groceries and large bills for her which I was happy to do. It helped her out and allowed her to live independently. Welfare in most countries is inadequate to really have any decent standard of living, especially in a high cost country like Australia. Im hoping this relationship works out because it will give her stability and less financial stress. Also, it is less stress for me because I dont have to worry about her as much or give her as much financial assistance. Conversely, the cynic in me doubts what a grown man with adult kids would want to do with a women in her 30's with a young boy, especially when the women has limited employment prospects and a serious mental condition. It is none of my business, but surely I'm allowed to be sceptical of a man's motives who is recently divorced. Furthermore, if it goes south and she is booted out, then I will be the one who will be called upon for assistance. I dont have it in me to tell her to get lost if she did call for help. Im of the belief that if anyone asks for help then it cant be refused.
LD1990 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 You've been "best friends" with your ex-girlfriend for years and you're calling this guy a creep? You've been orbiting this chick way too long, time to make new friends. 2
Author StartAtTheEnd Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 But yes, I understand it is none of my business. Just I guess Im really asking for opinions on this man's motives. He is definitely no oil painting lets put it that way. Im guessing it has been a while for him. Asked her if they could have sex on the second date as well. All this before the second date and via text message, after the second date was confirmed.
Author StartAtTheEnd Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 You've been "best friends" with your ex-girlfriend for years and you're calling this guy a creep? You've been orbiting this chick way too long, time to make new friends. I got enough friends. As I said, what the hell do I do if she shows up at my door one night asking for help with her kid under her arm? Just tell her to get lost? But thanks anyway. I will take your advice under consideration. My life is a lot less stressful without my phone blowing up every 2nd day with the latest drama. Im enjoying the relative tranquility.
BDJ_1 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Of course she is a big girl. I have told her I hope it works out for her, while still expressing doubts about this guy. We broke up due to her bipolar illness. It was no-one's fault, just a condition that makes relationships very difficult. But that is well documented in the literature and I'm going to guess there is plenty of threads on here discussing the difficulty of living with this condition. I'm also in Australia, she is a foreign citizen living here due to a child custody arrangement. So she has no family here and limited employment prospects due to her condition. She is currently unemployed in any official capacity. I used to have to sometimes pay for groceries and large bills for her which I was happy to do. It helped her out and allowed her to live independently. Welfare in most countries is inadequate to really have any decent standard of living, especially in a high cost country like Australia. Im hoping this relationship works out because it will give her stability and less financial stress. Also, it is less stress for me because I dont have to worry about her as much or give her as much financial assistance. Conversely, the cynic in me doubts what a grown man with adult kids would want to do with a women in her 30's with a young boy, especially when the women has limited employment prospects and a serious mental condition. It is none of my business, but surely I'm allowed to be sceptical of a man's motives who is recently divorced. Furthermore, if it goes south and she is booted out, then I will be the one who will be called upon for assistance. I dont have it in me to tell her to get lost if she did call for help. Im of the belief that if anyone asks for help then it cant be refused. Sounds like you lost the sex part of your relationship and kept all the baggage that went with it. What was the point of breaking up? 3
Author StartAtTheEnd Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 Well it allowed her to seek other partners who may have been more suitable for her. More financially secure, more stable etc. I mean at her age a women's dating value is depreciating. No point in being in a relationship if it is not going to go anywhere. I dont have the heart to just tell her to get out of my life. Some people may but I dont.
LD1990 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 I got enough friends. As I said, what the hell do I do if she shows up at my door one night asking for help with her kid under her arm? Just tell her to get lost? If you bail her out every time she fails at life she'll never learn how to take care of herself. You're an ex-boyfriend. She's not your responsibility and while it may be noble to help her out, at some point you have to be selfish and put your own happiness first. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Eh, are you sure she just met this guy a week ago? Either way, you need to stop being best friends with her. You are enabling your own misery because it's clear you haven't moved on. Stop being her rescuer. 1
cigbunt Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 It's not really any of your business This x 1000. But yes, I understand it is none of my business. Just I guess Im really asking for opinions on this man's motives. He is definitely no oil painting lets put it that way. Im guessing it has been a while for him. Asked her if they could have sex on the second date as well. All this before the second date and via text message, after the second date was confirmed. Asked her if they could have sex on the second date as well. You clearly don't. Besides, that's ****ing creepy man. Let your ex be, you'll be a lot more happier in life. I got enough friends. As I said, what the hell do I do if she shows up at my door one night asking for help with her kid under her arm? Just tell her to get lost? But thanks anyway. I will take your advice under consideration. My life is a lot less stressful without my phone blowing up every 2nd day with the latest drama. Im enjoying the relative tranquility. It sounds like you're rationalizing your own behavior, which leads to my conclusion that you still haven't moved on. You have absolutely no obligation to help her. Forget about her and move on with your life. Delete her contact info, unfriend on facebook, remove every single trace of her from your life. Block her if you must. She also does not deserve an explanation why you cut her out of your life, but if you absolutely want to give an explanation to her then just say that you're seeing someone and you can no longer stay in contact with her. Ask yourself this: Would SHE help me if I'd be in need? If your answer isn't a clear "**** yes she would do nearly anything to help my ass", then she is not your friend and is probably using you in some way, and you do not even get anything out of it. I find it fascinating how some men always manage to get into such one-sided "friendships" or "relationships", and even willingly at that. 1
elaine567 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 I got enough friends. As I said, what the hell do I do if she shows up at my door one night asking for help with her kid under her arm? Just tell her to get lost? If you are indeed her "best friend" then you act like her "best friend" and put her up for a few days until she can get other accommodation sorted out.
Erik30 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Stay out of it and let her make her own mistakes. If you try to interfere, she'll probably accuse you of being jealous anyway.
Author StartAtTheEnd Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 As i said earlier, it is good for me as i was giving her a fair % of my fortnight pay. If this guy is supporting her then its good for me and good for her. Conversely, if his using her for a short fling then all hell will break lose when he boots her out. Thst isnt good for me. You guys dont know my ex gf. She will come to my house if i go no contact and drive her car through my front door. I was more just querying if anyone could tell me what this guys intentions were based on what i said in the OP. But overall, my life is a lot less stressful with this arrangement.
Author StartAtTheEnd Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 Eh, are you sure she just met this guy a week ago? Either way, you need to stop being best friends with her. You are enabling your own misery because it's clear you haven't moved on. Stop being her rescuer. Yes. Positive she met him a week ago. She has bipolar. This is characteristic of mania. It is not that easy to stop being friends with her. This is a small town. She lives 5 mins away. If i ignore her and she needs me, she will come over and raise hell. I have moved on i can assure you of that. We have had sex 3 times in the last 24 months.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 (edited) Yes. Positive she met him a week ago. She has bipolar. This is characteristic of mania. It is not that easy to stop being friends with her. This is a small town. She lives 5 mins away. If i ignore her and she needs me, she will come over and raise hell. I have moved on i can assure you of that. We have had sex 3 times in the last 24 months. Then you phone the police and have her removed. Yes, really. I have also dated someone with a serious mental illness, and it is possible to cut the cord if you really want to. And drastic action is sometimes necessary. Enough with the excuses. Stop justifying your and her behaviour. Stop giving yourself reasons to keep orbiting her. And if you were over her, you wouldn't know squat about who she's dating or having sex with, OP. You also would not be giving her any money. At least be honest with yourself. You haven't moved on, clearly. If you're that worried about her, contact a friend or family member who can help her. You are not equipped to help her. Giving her money and being her emotional tampon is not helping her. You are enabling her. There is a significant difference. And yes, this man is probably using her. But what difference does it make? What are you really going to do about it? Call the police? Call her therapist? What exactly is your plan of action if you decide this guy is scum? You're being used so badly, and you're totally blind to it. I think now you're upset becasue she won't need you anymore. You need to wake up, man. Edited December 20, 2016 by ExpatInItaly 5
Author StartAtTheEnd Posted December 20, 2016 Author Posted December 20, 2016 Well she told me lol. Im not being used bro. She is. We havent had sex for years and you think im not over her? Lol. Im happy cause she is out of my hair!! But you are right about calling the police. It is a fair call. I know the guy is scum. He is probably just using her for a root after a long dry patch. Keep her around for a few months i guess. I can tell you bro. Id be over the moon if she never rung me again with her dramas. I hope she doesnt need me anymore. But once again, im not asking about that. Im asking what his intentions are?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Well she told me lol. Im not being used bro. She is. We havent had sex for years and you think im not over her? Lol. Im happy cause she is out of my hair!! But you are right about calling the police. It is a fair call. I know the guy is scum. He is probably just using her for a root after a long dry patch. Keep her around for a few months i guess. I can tell you bro. Id be over the moon if she never rung me again with her dramas. I hope she doesnt need me anymore. But once again, im not asking about that. Im asking what his intentions are? No, I don't think you're over her at all. You're giving her money and know way too much about her life. You don't need to be having sex with someone to not be over them, you realize. His intentions? He's found a woman who likes him and he wants to lock her down as soon as possible. Convenient sex, convenient affection. What more do you want to know? He's taking advantage of her, and she's doing it right back. Just like she did to you when she had you forking over money. She replaced you with him. What do you intend to do with this information? And it's not "bro" - it's "sister". I'm a woman. 2
MJJean Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 If you're helping pay her bills, involved in her drama, and showing this level of concern because she moved in with some random man, you aren't over her. Over her means you wish her well and then extricate yourself from her life. Her problems and the accompanying drama are only your problem because you allow it. Stop. If she shows up at your place, ask her to leave. If she refuses or behaves badly, call the police and have her removed. If she threatens to harm herself or others, call the police and let them take her to the nearest psychiatric treatment center for eval and treatment.
VeveCakes Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Well it allowed her to seek other partners who may have been more suitable for her. More financially secure, more stable etc. I mean at her age a women's dating value is depreciating. No point in being in a relationship if it is not going to go anywhere. I dont have the heart to just tell her to get out of my life. Some people may but I dont. Your dating value doesn't depreciate...sorry but no, it doesnt. I can tell you a hundred reasons why a man in his 50s might want a 39 yr old... Im just going to ask OP, are you jealous?
coolheadal Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 There is only 11 years difference so she's able to manage her life you don't have to but in and be prejudgmental, because someone truly in-love with her emotional. You need to back off and continue on with your life. She's your ex for a reason she's not your concern anymore let her go.. Move on!
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