Need some encouragement..

[simpl]

So here is my second attempt at this story, much more condensed and focused.

 

Met this girl through mutual friends on facebook. We went on a date (before which she messaged me saying that there was something I needed to know.. She was married, but had moved back home across the country and had filed for a divorce and no-contact and was waiting on him to sign) Stupidly I figured since she was so upfront and honest about it that she was truly going about things the right way. She also told me that it was due to him cheating on her for not being willing to put out (they signed to be stationed at the same base, never wore a ring, never changed her last name, no religious aspect, I'm not even sure her parents knew)

 

Needless to say things progressed, we lived 2 1/2 hours away from one another but she drove here for our first date, me there for the second etc. The distance wasn't stopping us from seeing one another. We probably spent too much time together, eventually spending the night at each other's places. (We both live with our parents) Her parents knew about me, and I would meet them multiple times, her grandparents knew about me. Eventually our relationship (eventually meaning after our 4th date) became official, both in person as well as on the social media sites. She would post pictures of us together, of the flowers I would get her etc. we had pictures of us by our beds.. it was the stereotypical honeymoon phase amazing relationship.

 

We clicked on virtually every level, spiritual, emotional, physical. Would talk about the future, she would bring up kids, marriage.. we talked about our fears, of our goals, had plans of traveling after the holidays etc. Then a day came she went through my facebook messages and found conversations between me and 3-4 other girls ranging from 2 weeks to 8 months before her and I ever talked where I had flirted with other women. She was angry, said it was a red flag. (This was all on our 1 month anniversary) that I said things to them that I say to her now and she didn't feel special.

 

I stood my ground that I did nothing wrong, did my best to reassure her insecurities that I would never lie to her, would never cheat on her. That she was all I was focused on. Communication went down hill eventually leading to her deleting our relationship status off facebook and deleting me from following her on instagram (although the pictures of us were still there) I had called and she said she didn't know what she wanted.. I drove the 5 hours round trip to leave a pineapple as a sign of where I was at.

 

After the instagram thing I tried to end it, she wouldn't take my calls so I sent her a video telling her I think it was the end, that I loved her and would pray for her, hoping she would find happiness. She responded saying she wasn't done with me but it was the wrong time to tell her I loved her. More days passed of me fighting to make it work and her putting in no effort. Another phone call and she said she was afraid of falling in love with me, that her life was crazy and she had no idea what was happening in her future.

 

Few more days passed and I stopped trying, I would now get the messages saying she missed me, etc. Two days came where it looked like she was out on a date and when I confronted her she said "ha I'm not dating any one" she called, said she was thinking about me, that I probably hated her, that she was sorry for ignoring me, acting crazy, but that she still had no idea what was going on and didn't have answers to these things. (Wouldn't share what they were) She said that she couldn't imagine her life without me in it, that the connection between us was undeniable. (She had mentioned before multiple times that if I ever walked away it would destroy her) ... But I told her I couldn't be her friend if we broke up.

 

2 days later I got fed up, told her to meet me in person, that I would wait from 12 to 1, that I didn't care if she was sick, if she had plans, all she had to do was show up. She didn't she was sitting at home. I ended things at 1:01. mailed her all her stuff, blocked her on social media. She reached out on thanksgiving saying happy thanksgiving and again a full week after the break up saying hey and sent a picture of us on our second date kissing on a bridge. My buddy messaged her telling her to leave me alone, that she had treated me like sh**. She texted me again saying she was sorry she still thought about me, that the memories weren't gone. I broke NC and went off, said everything I felt I needed to.. twisted the knife in a few places. Told her the only time I wanted to her from her was if she showed up at my door.. the only response I got was "Literally Crying"

 

Haven't heard from her since.. from the looks of her social media she has been keeping herself busy (she doesn't work, has money from an inheritance, can do and afford anything she wants) But I still have so many questions why...

 

Was it physical, she is a gym goer. I was an athlete my whole life but I don't live my life in the gym.. but we would train, run together etc. I figured if my physique was a problem I wouldn't have gotten past the first few dates.. we clicked physically and sexually, she would constantly be reaching out to touch me, my hand, my neck, chest, waist, butt, back, you name it.

 

I wonder if it was financial. I was upfront about my situation, it isn't ideal but I'm working to improve it. I refused to let her pay more than her share for anything, refused to let her buy my a gift that was too expensive etc. And we always split traveling to each other and paying for meals, dates etc.

 

I wonder if I meant anything, she had kept little mementos from our dates (something she said she never does, I was surprised when I saw them) Her mom and dad knew about me (met them multiple times), as did her grandparents, siblings, best friend etc. like I said she posted us on her social media multiple times. Her best friend would send her messsages joking that I stole her away from her (being her best friend on snapchat) She was the one who brought up kids, traveling after the holidays, inviting me to the family thanksgiving to meet the rest of her family. We would go out and about in her city and mine. So she wasn't keeping me tucked away.

 

It appears as if there is another guy, but it would just baffle me as to why.. what flipped her switch so quickly from clicking on every level, from her putting in so much effort to plan dates, to travel here, to make videos and slideshows of us together, to talk about marriage and future goals etc. all the sweet little texts and calls and videos and actions on a day to day basis. To all of a sudden refusing to communicate but to try and string me along.

 

Anyway, I am sure there will be more brought up in replies etc. but I figured I would send this... I have hit some serious lows, I am mainly worried about right now is getting another message from her over Christmas/New Years... and I lay awake at night thinking about her being out with other guys, doing the things we used to do... I wish she would realize she made a mistake.. she has been used in the past and I am sure she will be again.. I wish she would just see that she was with somebody who cared about her so deeply, who she appeared to care for deeply as well, whether she actually did and something changed it, or she is one hell of an actress to commit so much time and energy and resources..

[carhill]

This:

 

She was married, but had moved back home across the country and had filed for a divorce and no-contact and was waiting on him to sign)

 

And your persistence after things went sideways the first time were likely key in the end.

 

BTDT trying to catch a married person just at the right time. Crap-shoot. Look, you gave it a good shot, probably more than I'd do. Look at it as a learning experience, especially with distance dating. IME, and I've done both the domestic and international versions, it takes two people on the same page and a lot of patience.

 

Sounds like you chat with women a fair amount so keep on chatting and something else will turn up.

[simpl]

Yeah, I know she had at least one other substantial relationship before she moved back home as well (after her husband) I would learn later on from her that he had been both unfaithful, due to her not willing to have vaginal sex with him, as well as physically abusive. And her next relationship had the same problem of the man cheating due to her not being willing to put out.

 

She also told me that he had been refusing to sign the papers, that he would jump from telling her he loved her, to he hated her, to that he was only staying married for the extra benefit money. But she would cringe any time I accidentally said his name, like a physically recoil and "really, my ex's name?"

 

It all just seemed so genuine, I know there were so many things that could have gone wrong, could have caused it. But I play them all back in my mind and think that from things she had said or ways she had acted that she was more committed to me than any other issues that might arise. I guessed wrong.

Edited December 19, 2016 by simpl

[carhill]

I've been married and divorced and understand the process. There's the physical process, the legal process and the emotional process. I've also dated married women, both unknowingly and where they've suggested they're separated and where they've filed and been living separately. With married people still in contact, and for that matter divorced people sharing parenting, there are no sure things. People change their minds all the time and blowing sunshine into past romantic feelings, on either side, is commonplace in the marriage and divorce game.

 

My encouragement would be to work on how you view these challenges and events as they occur. There's no perfect formula to get the lady you want or ever control the outcome of a particular encounter, situation or relationship, peacefully anyway. Every moment is a wild card.

 

Here's one you like.... married woman didn't tell me she was married, we had substantial, like over months, interaction, and continued during numerous separations and reconciliations over years. Finally I had enough and sent all her cards, love letters and my responses, which I had kept copies of (this back in pen/paper days) to her husband. She got the ranch mail and snagged them. How do I know? She showed them to me 15 some years later. Memento of long-lived love? Nah, she chose her rich BF after divorcing her H. I was just a tool to get what she wanted. That's the key. Don't be a tool

 

Plenty of other fish in the sea. Every moment you spent examining this carcass is a moment not available for wonderful new adventures. It was what it was. Hopefully you have a few good memories. I've had plenty, even if laughing at myself for being a dope. Women will do that to you. Part of life.

[whatdeww18]

Whatever her reasons were, she wanted out of the relationship. I think the older we get, the more we try work out relationships. Possibly, she was rebounding and wanted emotional support while she figured out things with the divorce.

 

In this case, you may have been the rebound and it's never nice. People do some stupid things....

But either way, the best thing you can do when you love someone and they want out is to let them go and just analyze the relationship. Were there things you could have done better? Learn from your mistakes from this relationship and become a better person. Take a step back and find your interests and goals again. It's always hard after a break up. Don't expect to come out every day not wanting to curl into a ball and cry.

 

Also, cut contact. All you will do is continue to push her away when she needs time to think and figure things out.

If her love for you was true, she will not easily forget the things that have happened. Sounds cheesy, but I'm sure you have had healthy relationships where you think back of them fondly and wonder what it might be like to rekindle those flames. So for now, just take time to heal and don't contact her.

[girljoe]

I am so sorry you are experiencing so much pain. Personal relationships are very difficult to analyze because each person has different motivations and those motivations come from their both their unique internal drive and the experiences through which they have previous lived.

 

What you describe sounds like it happened on a bullet train, it was so fast. That honeymoon phase is fueled by emotions and physiological factors that feel like a strong relationship but can be lacking in the grounded relationship-building that happens over time when you face life's up's, down's and everyday happenings together as a couple.

 

This is what I tell my daughter about dating and it may be encouraging for you. Dating is practice for marriage. You may date many people, or you may date only a few, but in each relationship you will learn something about romantic relationships that will help you as you strive to build a successful marriage/relationship.

 

I will pray for peace and understanding for you as you reflect on your experiences and move forward.

[VeveCakes]

She honestly sounds avoidant. Like classic avoidant. Read the book "Attached" to see what I am talking about. I doubt she ever has a successful long term relationship.