leelulu Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) How do you cope when someone you have feelings for is off dating other people????? I'm really struggling atm. My ex who I've been really close with this past year (we were still affectionate and intimate every time we saw each other) broke up with me last year because 'he wasn't ready to be in a relationship', from his actions this past year and how close we are as friends also(seen each other consistantly this past year, where id stay a couple days at a time, we also talked daily all the time), I assumed a part of him still liked me, but it was just the being in a relationship he needed to deal with still Last week I stayed with him for 2 weeks even as he asked me to stay, and we were acting pretty much like a couple, kissed, were intimate every day, he complimented me and said cute things. Yet yesterday morning, completely off topic to what we were talking about...told me he messaged a girl he thought was kinda pretty and liked marvel stuff, on a dating site the other day and that they're talking and have some stuff in common. Why tell me that? Also, that means he's clearly ready to date now, yet hasn't thought to ask me. I feel like such an idiot. That means he pretty much used me this past year, even these past 2 weeks as some filler girl to play with, until he could find someone better come a long that he deems worthy of respecting enough to date properly. :( I feel so sick right now. I thought he cared, he made me feel like he did. but literally a few days after i get back from having a nice couple weeks at his, hes messaging girls to find a gf? AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I HAVE SUCH LOW SELF WORTH, WHEN I CONSTANTLY GET TREATED LIKE THIS. :( Some stranger on a site has basically more potential than me in his eyes I guess. I feel like I'm worthless and that all I'll ever be good to guys is someone to have sex with . Why am I always the one who's the temp girl to pass time with till people find something better? Why do some of the other girls get more respect and treated as worthy of something more meaningful, and I get used as a meat suit. I feel so lost. I haven't eaten in about 3 days, I have no appetite, I can only sleep if i take a sleeping pill as my minds just annoyingly filled with images of him and another girl, and it hurts so insanely bad . Has anyone got advice from experience, how to deal with this? How can I feel okay again? I spent all day yesterday and today in bed, and when i try to do anything else I feel so empty and dead inside. Any advice would be helpful right now. ahh Edited December 19, 2016 by leelulu
butterfly84 Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 First off - you are not worthless and you're not the only one - there are def. others who are going through/have gone through similar feelings. Now about this guy - from what you wrote I think you two may have seen things differently. He felt comfortable telling you he was looking to date some other girls, he must have seen whatever you two were doing differently. He may have thought you were doing the same thing? Hopefully it wasn't a one sided thing and maybe in his eyes he thought this was equal for you both. Otherwise i don't think he would have told you about that. IF (this is only if - because i think you probably shouldn't) you do wind up talking again you could say something similar like you have been talking to a guy and see what his reaction is. What you should do though is build yourself back up, I know that feeling of not being able to eat, being consumed by something. It is so hard to get your mind off it. But take care of yourself and try to distract yourself with things you enjoy doing. Watch a movie if anything. And think about how great YOU are - it doesn't matter if he seems to like someone else or doesn't really see what he is missing. It is his loss. What will be best is for you to find someone else that will appreciate you, but it starts with recognizing that you deserve that and that you are amazing yourself. It's going to hurt - but over time it will get better. I've been through some really rough patches like that so i know how hard it can be just try to keep occupied with other things and that should help. And do not go back to him even if he contacts you.. it will be tempting but try your best not to. hang in there! 1
mushroomlol Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 Why don't you find other guys to date at the same time? That's how I do it. I am in a really casual hookup/fwb relationship with my ex. I know how you feel when you say you were all caring and loving when with each other. But that's not real. That's only for the night. Go date others as well so you won't put all your focus on an ex that doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. And also this has nothing to do with the other girls they date.
kendahke Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) How do you cope when someone you have feelings for is off dating other people????? I'm really struggling atm. My ex broke up with me last year because 'he wasn't ready to be in a relationship', from his actions this past year and how close we are as friends also(seen each other consistantly this past year, where id stay a couple days at a time, we also talked daily all the time), I assumed a part of him still liked me, but it was just the being in a relationship he needed to deal with still Last week I stayed with him for 2 weeks even as he asked me to stay, and we were acting pretty much like a couple, kissed, were intimate every day, he complimented me and said cute things. Yet yesterday morning, completely off topic to what we were talking about...told me he messaged a girl he thought was kinda pretty and liked marvel stuff, on a dating site the other day and that they're talking and have some stuff in common. Why tell me that? because that's what friends do... they talk about who they find cute/who they want to date. You being there, using the guise of friendship to try to machine a relationship out of him, doesn't mean that he's gone back on what he said last year about not being ready to be in a relationship with you. He isn't. That you are offering all the trimmings of relationship without the title of girlfriend doesn't mean that he's obligated to become your boyfriend. If it's on offer, he's going to help himself. Also, that means he's clearly ready to date now, yet hasn't thought to ask me. Yep. I feel like such an idiot. That means he pretty much used me this past year, even these past 2 weeks as some filler girl to play with, until he could find someone better come a long that he deems worthy of respecting enough to date properly. No, he didn't use you. You, of your own accord, chose to stay with him and try to sex a man who didn't want a relationship with you into a relationship with you. Something went down to where he has decided that you needed to be put on notice and he's reached all the way back to last year to remind you that he meant it when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship with you. I feel so sick right now. I thought he cared, he made me feel like he did. but literally a few days after i get back from having a nice couple weeks at his, hes messaging girls to find a gf? AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I HAVE SUCH LOW SELF WORTH, WHEN I CONSTANTLY GET TREATED LIKE THIS. :( Some stranger on a site has basically more potential than me in his eyes I guess. He probably does care for you --as a friend, which is the guise you've been maintaining for a year in the hopes that you could steer him back into a relationship with you-- but not as his lover/long term girlfriend, etc. However, your low self esteem has nothing to do with him, or anything/anyone external. It has to do with you continually placing yourself in situations with men who have no appreciation for your worth. If you have no concept of your worth, you can't expect for anyone else to. When he told you he wanted to break up with you because he wasn't ready for a relationship, that was your cue to set him adrift, not waste a year of your youth trying to convince him of something he already told you he didn't want with you. Now, if you say anything to him about him wanting to seek out other girlfriends when you are there with him wanting back what you once had, the first thing out of his mouth will be "we're broken up and you've known we weren't together since last year". He's already got his bases covered here--you're the one caught out because you thought that since he was letting you hang around and you were allowing him access to sex and intimacy that that, without having had a conversation to make sure you weren't being caught out, meant that you and he were back together in some unspoken way. That tack never works out well, especially for the one who is afraid to own her voice and speak up and if she doesn't get what she wants, she leaves and doesn't waste her time with men who aren't on the same page as she is. I feel like I'm worthless and that all I'll ever be good to guys is someone to have sex with. Why am I always the one who's the temp girl to pass time with till people find something better? Why do some of the other girls get more respect and treated as worthy of something more meaningful, and I get used as a meat suit. I feel so lost. Understand that you are not worthless. There is nothing about you that is worthless, but if you don't understand and appreciate your own worth, as I said above, no one is going to do that heavy lift for you. That's yours to handle. We all must handle the heavy lift of our own value and worth--and if it means we have to walk away from someone who doesn't want what we want and be by ourselves until someone new comes alone, then that's what has to happen. It won't kill you to be by yourself until you get a solid appreciation for your own worth, you're not afraid to own your voice and act in your own best interests and you don't put someone else's comfort and happiness above yours, especially when they've demoted you and have taken away perks. Other girls get more respect because they conduct themselves in such a way that they are respected. They understand the power of the word "no" and aren't afraid to use it and further more, aren't cast aflutter when some guy says they aren't ready for a relationship. Instead of twisting themselves into pretzels to accommodate someone who won't accommodate them, they hoist the bird up the mast at him and keep it moving because they know it's a matter of time before someone new appears. I haven't eaten in about 3 days, I have no appetite, I can only sleep if i take a sleeping pill as my minds just annoyingly filled with images of him and another girl, and it hurts so insanely bad . Has anyone got advice from experience, how to deal with this? How can I feel okay again? I spent all day yesterday and today in bed, and when i try to do anything else I feel so empty and dead inside. Any advice would be helpful right now. You have to let grief do its job and once it's done, you get on with life. But you must set him adrift. No more coming back to the candy store--that b is on lockdown. Never cross an ocean for someone who will not cross a puddle for you. Good words to live by. Stop being so hard on yourself. You would probably benefit from some time taken to understand why you esteem yourself so low that you allow men to behave in such a way that you'll never get used as a "meat suit" again. How you are treated always starts with yourself and how you allow others to treat you. The people you deal with take their cues on how to treat you from you. Start by having a better consideration for yourself. Edited December 19, 2016 by kendahke 4
Author leelulu Posted December 19, 2016 Author Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) @kendahke- considering how insanely sad I am atm, your message was very hurtful. I told him I had feelings for him in the past and he actually told me he still liked me. so it wasn't me trying to push him into anything. In fact I never asked him to be my boyfriend. I just found it hurtful that after he knew i still had feelings for him, and that he told me he still liked me last time we spoke about it. he then would have me round and do all that stuff with me, which i thought meant more to him because of what he'd said before. only to know he was more interested in finding other girls. so he did literally lie to me to get me to do what he wanted with him. So no, i wasn't pushing stuff on him. i was acting how one would if they were told they liked them and i liked them back. i say friends as we weren't in a relationship, but we definitely weren't just friends.[] Edited December 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add paragraphs and remove personalized content.
kendahke Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 In fact I never asked him to be my boyfriend. My ex who I've been really close with this past year (we were still affectionate and intimate every time we saw each other) broke up with me last year because 'he wasn't ready to be in a relationship', So, when you call him your "ex", he's not your ex? Ex's usually are referred to as someone with whom one has had an exclusive, sexual/romantic relationship, not friendship.
joseb Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) Sorry op for your situation. I know it's painful. [] In future, unless you are totally down with a friends with benefits situation then don't sign up for one. Most people don't handle them well I'll add another things that wasn't mentioned. Just because thus guy is messaging people, doesn't mean he is looking for a serious relationship. He might just want a bit more variety. He might even have been showing you them in the hope of having a threesome. Doesn't change the fact that you need to get out of that situation and heal from the breakup. Edited December 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Comments on redacted material redacted 1
Author leelulu Posted December 19, 2016 Author Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) @kendahke- He was an ex, i dated him last year. my comment was refering to currently. Also I wasn't guising him into friendship. I was happy being his friend for a very long time, how dare you suggest i was pretending when you know nothing about me as a person. But in the past few months my feelings for him returned, and as i said, i told him about it and he said he felt something in return. So when i saw him after that conversation and he was more affectionate with me, i thought it was because of what he had told me, that he liked me also. I didnt go because i thought i could get some guy who doesnt like me to have sex with me. im not that type of person, i only sleep with people if i feel they geneuinely like me back, which i did, as he told me he did. But to have him go off with others a few days later meant that what he said and the time we spent together didnt mean what he said it meant after all and did in fact lie, i can't read minds and know when a guy is using me sorry, if i did, i sure as hell wouldnt have gone there for 2 weeks. I also never said he couldnt date anyone, or be with anyone, that wasnt the point of this post. He can date who he likes, i was simply making this post to A/ask for advice on how to move on and get over someone when they like other people and b/ the rest was to add as context as to why im asking for said advice. I am literally just asking people for advice on things they did which helped them move on and deal with having feelings for others when they no longer feel the same. I was hoping on having actual kind people reply with considerate replies on how i could move on and hurt less. because right now I dont even want to exist i feel that awful. Edited December 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
kendahke Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 I am literally just asking people for advice on things they did which helped them move on and deal with having feelings for others when they no longer feel the same. To which I answered: Understand that you are not worthless. There is nothing about you that is worthless, but if you don't understand and appreciate your own worth, as I said above, no one is going to do that heavy lift for you. That's yours to handle. We all must handle the heavy lift of our own value and worth--and if it means we have to walk away from someone who doesn't want what we want and be by ourselves until someone new comes alone, then that's what has to happen. It won't kill you to be by yourself until you get a solid appreciation for your own worth, you're not afraid to own your voice and act in your own best interests and you don't put someone else's comfort and happiness above yours, especially when they've demoted you and have taken away perks. Other girls get more respect because they conduct themselves in such a way that they are respected. They understand the power of the word "no" and aren't afraid to use it and further more, aren't cast aflutter when some guy says they aren't ready for a relationship. Instead of twisting themselves into pretzels to accommodate someone who won't accommodate them, they hoist the bird up the mast at him and keep it moving because they know it's a matter of time before someone new appears. 2
smackie9 Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 You have invested in the wrong person...we all have done it, and we have learned from it. As for getting over someone, stop stalking them on line or talking about them. Delete/block, erase them from your thoughts. If you don't you are letting them win.
Author leelulu Posted December 19, 2016 Author Posted December 19, 2016 @kendahke - I know, I do appreciate the rest of what you said. It had good advice. I just didnt appreciate you making assumptions about me guising something into friendship? You do not know me. I was happy being friends with him for a very long time. I never pushed anything on him, I was always happy for him when things happened for him, and i supported him if he was struggling with anything. It wasnt me settling or pretending to be his friend. Literally its just the past few months my feelings for him returned, that does not make the friendship i had with him invalid of false just because i had feeling for him again. And i was honest with him at the time too, and i said that i wouldnt be able to be affectionate or anything with him as i realised i had feelings for him still, and we should stop. to which he told me he liked me too, so i didnt stop as he told me he liked me! so i was okay being affectionate with him after that as from what he said, it was because he liked me, and he said he was ready to date again maybe. but it turned out that he lied to me and just wanted me to have sex with him until he could meet someone else. which hurt a lot. if he had said 'i dont have feelings for you' then i would of said, okay then we wont be affectionate anymore, i understand, and we can be friends without anything else anymore. but he didnt say that, he said the opposite, so i didnt 'let some guy use me for sex willingly' i THOUGHT...(as like ive said for the millionth time now, because he actually said he liked me) that he was interested in more again, and so i was happy to see where things were going with us. Also in the past i do take ownership for some things not working. but also there have been times i was literally abused out of the blue, which is what i was refering to, when i said stuff like this happens to me. And no, i can promise with 100% garentee i did not ask for those things to happen to me. sexual abuse was not something i ever asked for, and it was normally people i didnt even try to be with. With stuff i did have control over i always took ownership for and dont use that against anyone. Although like I said, i appreciate the other half of your message where you gave good advice which is helpful. the first half where you made harsh assumptions on my intentions or how i used him (when actually it was the opposite. as i was very honest all this time with him, and even suggested being purely just friends if he didnt like me in that way, but he convinced me with word and actions that he was interested). I just wanted to point out that sometimes its actually hurtful to people to make harsh assumptions like that when you dont know them fully. But i guess you won't see my point of view at all
kendahke Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 No one knows anyone on here. We all go by what you choose to write and how you choose to spin things. Having said that, though, I don't need to know you to recognize destructive behavior and to point out that the thing you're investing everything and your soul into isn't a wise investment.
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