ivenius Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 So, I've met a girl in a club (she's 19, I'm 23), we've been basically kissing/dancing the whole night, without much talking, I was pretty drunk. She gave me her number, told to write sometime, so I did the next day and we've met. Well, she was a bit different from what I expected That must have blocked me with initiating some move, and we were just talking for maybe 2-3 hours, I only kissed her at the end. The conversation was ok, we were having a good time, I guess, but I noticed some, hm... red flags - eventually she wanted to go home, it was Sunday and she said she doens't have much time earlier, but still. And it's been 24h and she didn't contact me yet. Is it ok to ask her plainly if she wants to go out for a coffee? Or should I just not care?
HereNorThere Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 If you aren't sure where you stand with her, the last thing you want to do is put pressure on her by trying to make plans. Send something really funny and start a light hearted conversation if possible. If she's working, try not to send it during work hours unless you know she can text at work (everyone is different.) Keep it minimal and light hearted. Make her laugh and don't put ounce of pressure on her. If you and some friends do something funny, send a pic to remind her of what you look like and try to recapture some of those feelings she had. Just don't overtext because its a relationship killer. Instead of making direct plans, tell her about an existing plan, make it sound really fun and then later ask if she wants to join if she seems interested.
Viking Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 Ask her out but have a relatively nonchalant attitude towards it. She's 19...she's a long ways from a serious option. Have fun, get laid, take her and do fun stuff. Red flags are to be heeded when you're older and looking for someone who you'd want to be with long term. What were the red flags?
winny Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Ask her out but have a relatively nonchalant attitude towards it. She's 19...she's a long ways from a serious option. Have fun, get laid, take her and do fun stuff. Red flags are to be heeded when you're older and looking for someone who you'd want to be with long term. What were the red flags? I don't like this advice. Why would you ever want to treat a girl like not a long term option? If someone is younger does that make them use and throw somehow? Red flags are red flags irrespective of age.
HereNorThere Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 (edited) I don't like this advice. Why would you ever want to treat a girl like not a long term option? If someone is younger does that make them use and throw somehow? Red flags are red flags irrespective of age. Because of a well known part of attachment theory called "engulfment fears." On one side of the scale you have abandonment fears (being rejected) and on the opposite you have engulfment fears (being dominated or controlled, losing oneself.) Humans are selfish animals. We are lonely but we also fear someone "engulfing" us. There isn't a person here who hasn't "come on too strong" and ruined a perfectly good chance at a relationship. These intimacy issues are not processed in the frontal, more rational part of your brain. Instead, they run at a lower, more primal level, your amygdala and corresponding reptilian brain. That means it's more of an involuntary response than cognitive decision a person makes. It's very important to find the center of the scale when first meeting someone or you will literally scare them off. Edited December 20, 2016 by HereNorThere
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