Wife Disrespects During Fights

[Denison]

I'll try to keep this only as long as reasonably necessary to get my point across. So my wife and I have a pretty good relationship. We're both in our late 30's, 2 young kids, both work full time, have a house in the 'burbs, etc. We are open and talk to each other, and generally treat each other with respect. However, we inevitably fight as any couples does, only when we do, sometimes my wife goes "nuclear" right away. It's not that often, but the only time our disagreements about trivial things (household chores, who's taking care of the 18-month old when he wakes up, etc) devolve into seriously heated fights is when my wife immediately attacks my manhood. What I mean by that, is that during some of our fights, she doesn't just say you're "being" a jerk or you're "being" inconsiderate, but she instead attacks my character. This is usually done by saying "you're lazy" or "you're a big baby" or even on one occasion, "be a man, you're not a real man" or something to that effect.

 

Now, some of these "insults" might seem relatively benign...I'm sure people do and say worse. But what drives me nuts about those insults is that a) she's dead serious and angry when she throws them at me and b) I know she does it to get under my skin. I work really hard, both at work and at home, and even though I get home after 8 pm every night, I do my best to do my share of the cooking, cleaning, etc, and I do all of the outdoors maintenance year round on the weekends. Call me an *******, a jerk, whatever when I'm actually being a jerk, or say I'm being lazy if I tell you I'd rather watch TV than do a chore that needs to be done. But don't attack my character, and DEFINITELY don't emasculate me by saying I'm "not a real man" because I don't think the attic needs to be cleaned out on this particular Sunday afternoon when I have a dozen other things to do.

 

The pattern is fairly predictable...once every few months or so, we get in a minor fight, almost always something minor, like a chore she wants me to do. 95% of the time, I do what she asks, especially if it involves heavy lifting and the like, because whatever, easier than fighting. But 5% of the time, I either disagree that something needs to be done in the time and manner she wants it done, or I disagree that it needs to be done at all. I've proven through 7 years of marriage and 10 years of being ina relationship with her that I'm NOT lazy, I AM a "real man" as I work hard at home and at work, and love and respect my family, including my wife. I feel like when I simply say "that's not a priority right now," or "you know what, I don't think it's good idea to move this heavy box from the attic to the basement," she tries to emasculate me to get me to do it. Maybe it's just a weird quirk or sensitivity I have, but the minute you go after my character, especially when that attack comes from someone who is supposed to love and respect me, it immediately sets me off and the fight escalates into shouting. To be clear, it never gets verbally abusive (beyond being called a lazy half-man by my wife!), and of course never gets physical. But, it escalates, and the shouting gets louder.

 

These attacks anger me so much when she does it, and I find it so unfair and disrespectful, that sometimes I won't talk to her for a day or two. Since we have (usually) good communication in our marriage, I always tell her why it upsets me so much, and that if she loved and respected me, she wouldn't say that I'm lazy, or a baby, and much less "not a real man," because we simply disagree about something minor. If I was regularly refusing to do basic things around the house, I could see eventually being called those things. But not when it's only on occasion, and DEFINITELY not in the manner she does it, which is angry and vengeful.

 

I know some women on this website might just say "suck it up, what's the big deal?" But imagine the shoe was on the other foot, and instead of her calling me lazy, or not a real man, it was me calling her stupid. I was telling her she's too stupid to understand my point of view, and that she's just an idiot. Doesn't that sound pretty f'ing disrespectful and mean spirited? My point is, I want to avoid ever attacking each other, simply to piss the person off, or to get a rise/reaction out of the person. If you think I shoudl be doing something, and I disagree, tell me you want me to at least try or to think about. 99% of the time, if you're kind and respectful, I'll just do it because I feel bad and it's notw orth the headache. But when the first reaction to my disagreeing about something is "you're so lazy!" in an angry tone, that sets me off and all the sudden we're yelling at each other about something that shouldnt' have been a fight in the first place.

 

I think the most frustrating thing is that she's not taking me seriously when I tell her how much it angers me. There are very few things I truly care enough about to mention it to her, and it's like she doesn't think it's a big deal and STILL uses it as a weapon almost when we fight. Aside from talking about it (we already tried), is there anything I can do at this poitn? Next time she calls me lazy or not beign a man, etc, do I just call her stupid and give her a taste of her own medicine to see how it feels? I really don't know what to do. This might seem so trivial to people, but it happens more than I'd like, and I can't have a blow up fight once every few months because my wife isn't taking me seriously when I tell her that when she says stuff like that, it legitimately hurts and angers me.

 

Thanks a lot for listening, that was a TL/DR for sure.

[BaileyB]

Take the high road... don't attack her character because nobody wins.

 

You need marriage counselling - she needs to develop some better communication skills.

 

If that doesn't happen, I would walk away when she does that. I'd be very clear that it's not acceptable and that it won't be tolerated. Only talk with her when she is calm and respectful.

 

Unfortunately, you've already taught her that it's ok to do this to you. It's going to be hard to get her attention such that she realizes that you are serious. But, you are not wrong to expect that you can communicate and have disagreements without resorting to name calling and character defamation.

[IfonlyIknew]

Unfortunately this is her personality and likely won't change. Once she crossed that first line by getting under your skin, usually there is no going back, but only deeper. Me personally, the guys that have crossed that boundary don't make it, it's verbal abuse and i refuse to be around someone who can't control their emotions. My ex of 8 years we never once called each other a name and although we didn't work out, that is one trait I look for in a man. They have to have a handle on their emotions, its soo easy to flip out yet takes work to come from a place of understanding. She hasn't put the work into herself and will get away with it for as long as she can. We can't change other people only ourselves so i don't know where you can go from here other than counseling if she isn't taking you serious.

[SJS]

Stop blowing up in response. Try something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I refuse to partake in this conversation but will continue when my character is not being attacked. I will do *x chore* when I am ready." and leave the room.

 

She knows darn well what she's doing. When you stop responding the way she expects (ie, taking the bait), maybe then she'll realize you're serious.

[Satu]

You are both engaging in verbal violence, and you need to stop it.

 

Get some marriage and individual counselling if you want to move forward.

 

 

Take care.

[pteromom]

I would never say "suck it up".

 

In a relationship, you have to be able to be vulnerable in order to create intimacy. And you can't be vulnerable toward someone you feel unsafe with. And you can't feel safe with someone who cuts you.

 

And she is cutting you intentionally. She WANTS to watch you bleed.

 

If you have talked to her and she's promised to stop doing it yet she is still doing it, it's time for counseling. Preferably starting with individual counseling for HER.

 

She has to get a handle on this before your young kids start getting some autonomy. Because this sort of thing hurts you. But it can REALLY mess up a child.

 

What SJS said is also true though. She knows how you will react. So your reaction becomes part of this repeating pattern. Change the reaction and you blow up the pattern.

 

Next time she attacks your character or insults you during a fight, take a deep breath and say in a very calm voice "We talked about how personal insults are not appropriate, and you agreed to stop. I will be back shortly and we can continue this discussion more calmly." Then just walk out the front door. Go for a walk. I wouldn't add "I will do X chore when I am ready" - because then your leaving turns into an act of defiance rather than standing up for your values.

[CommittedToThis]

I see the fights have been ongoing since at least 2015, when OP posted about it.

 

OP, is there any evidence or gut feeling on your part that your wife may be unfaithful, or is otherwise hiding some behavior on her part?

 

Have her insults and humiliating comments escalated over time? Like she used to call you "lazy" and now it's "you're a pussy"?

 

My spidey senses are screaming at me that she's Cluster B personality disordered. Google it if you're curious.

 

I was called the same thing over the course of 10 years, until ex stupidly said, "I'm more of a man than you and you need to admit it."

 

I simply said, "I've got a dick, you are a dick" and left.

 

Like I would ever admit something so ludicrous?

 

What she's doing to you is verbal abuse, and you're guilty of abuse for raising your voice at her.

 

HOWEVER, she is PROVOKING you to respond, KNOWING you will respond as you always do, with some anger.

 

I am concerned she is provoking you in order to paint you as the bad guy so she can go off and engage in whatever behaviors she's into, if any.

 

Maybe she's just an unpleasant person.

 

But I would definitely look into borderline or narcissistic personality disorder and see if any of it sounds painfully familiar.

 

Keep your cool. If she calls you "less than a man", respond calmly with, "I will have to accept you feel that way" and walk away.

 

All the best.

[Mr. Lucky]

it immediately sets me off and the fight escalates into shouting. To be clear, it never gets verbally abusive (beyond being called a lazy half-man by my wife!), and of course never gets physical. But, it escalates, and the shouting gets louder.

 

You only control your half of the interaction, that's what you can fix. No further involvement from you equals no more escalation. As others have said, walk away.

 

These attacks anger me so much when she does it, and I find it so unfair and disrespectful, that sometimes I won't talk to her for a day or two.

 

Passive/aggressive silent treatment isn't the same as disengaging from an unhealthy argument. If you're changing the dynamic, break the whole cycle of insult, scream and pout. You'll force her to change also...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whoknew30]

She's transferring frustration...she's mad, so she wants to make you mad & you're playing into it. People continue the same behavior bc they're getting something out it, stop giving it to her & the behavior will change bc she'd no longer be receiving the "pay off" she usually gets, if you don't engage when it gets to that point.

[dichotomy]

Your story has many complications and angles.

 

This probably has nothing to do with you - but I share it for what it is.

 

My wife and I fight from time to time - we have our whole marriage. We got issues - not worth talking about here on this thread. We snip at each other from time to time as well.

 

Sometimes she says - "jerk", "you never do this or that", "your selfish", "you dont help" , what ever. This can be hurtful but its anger. I can say hurtful things like this as well to her.

 

However very early in our marriage she was using terms/saying things directly towards my masculine side - saying I was like a gay guy, like a woman, and sexual things about other men's masculinity, etc. It was a hot button issue for me - due to a major issue about her and me.

 

I am a pretty mild mannered guy - actually very mild mannered. But I am also a big tall guy. After months of her saying belittling things on my manliness and also talking about other men... I blew up - HARD on her - roaring with anger and got in her face...like inches ... to never say these kind of things again to me. Frankly - I scared the crap out of her - it was also very very usual for me to charge and rage like that - I dont think I have ever done that in my life. It had built up too much - it was too personal - to hurtful what she was saying.

 

That was 10 years ago - she never has said anything like that again (related to my masculinity). Sure - other things she says are hurtful even kind of disrespectful - but never - ever - on that issue or topic again.

 

 

For what ever its worth. I had a line.

[whichwayisup]

Tell her to stop use demeaning words during an argument or when she's angry. Every single time she says something, tell her NOT to say that to you and walk out of the room, let her know that when she's ready to have a mature conversation, you'll be willing to listen but until then, leave the room. She will learn by the boundaries you make with her.

 

Marriage counseling could teach you both how to communicate and listen to one another with respect, no name calling, abusive words or silent treatments.

[rushed]

I am ashamed to say that I used to fight similarly to your wife. I'm pretty easy-going for the most part, but once something upsets me everything comes out.

 

I'm much better about controlling my temper now. What helped immensely was the approach an old ex-boyfriend used. He NEVER raised his voice at me nor called me any names. As a matter of fact whenever I raised my voice he would drop his down a bar. The angrier I got, the calmer he got. Then he would ask me why I was so angry. He would apologize for upsetting me (not admitting he was in the wrong for whatever we were arguing about, just apologizing for making me mad, mind you). And he would ask me what he could do to help me not be so upset so we could actually talk and focus on the problem at hand. And I would just wind up feeling like a jack-ass being so out of control compared to his reasonableness.

 

I know this takes a huge amount of discipline. Normally when one gets yelled at one becomes defensive. He sought to diffuse the situation instead. And now I know that my anger accomplishes nothing. My temper wasn't tamed overnight. This took months of arguing like this (poor guy). But I am tons better now.

[NTV]

To be honest I think it's suspicious. Maybe take leave and come home early one day? Could be she's up to something she shouldn't be.

 

You could also answer with calmly asking 'is that what you really think of me?'

[Hopefuleddie]

Whenever there is an argument, please do refuse to allow yourself to be pulled into it if it starts spiraling down. I will encourage you to disengage as soon as possible so as to take the heat out of the argument. It is necessary for you guys to have a conversation around the fact that you are a team and not enemies. My wife and I have had this conversation, and now know that we are only hurting our own relationship if we attack each other's character. Please don't be discouraged, this can be solved through counseling, and a realization of the importance of respect in a relationship. Both of you can also google articles on fighting fair in a relationship or try this one bit.ly/2hy9S0Q