Charmed22 Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 I hooked up with a friend who I have hung out with a few times but we are not close. He is extremely attractive and a nice guy but not my type relationship wise. He wanted to hang out late and everything was closed so we decided to watch movies at my place and ended up having sex. At first I didn't feel bad cause Ive known him for a few months, we aren't close, I don't have feelings for him, and its been a while since I have had sex. Now Im starting to feel guilty and can't help but feel like Im being easy/slutty. Im 25 and he is the 5th person I have had sex with. First guy I was in a LTR, second was a one night stand, third and fourth were guys I dated for a little more than a month. I have fooled around with one other person. Most of this was within the year. I can't help but feel guilty whenever I do anything with someone who I am not in a LTR but at the same time Im human and like the contact every once and a while. Is this a normal thing to feel and how do I ease the guilt? 1
IfonlyIknew Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 I'd only feel guilty if i knew it was wrong, if one of us were in relationships/married, or if we were on a different page on expectations/feelings toward one another. You have every right to enjoy yourself how you choose.
Miss Peach Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 If you are OK doing that with someone who may not be there in the morning, then you have every right to have some fun IMO. I'm not sure about how to ease the guilt because I've never really had any guilt from sex. I usually wait for relationships myself for sex but just wanted to let you know it's OK.
HereNorThere Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 In my experience, this is super natural for girls. It's been theorized to be part of the evolutionary process. According to this logic, women have more to lose by having sex outside of the confines of a relationship. Men can't get pregnant and left to raise a baby alone. Our left-over chimp brains have not adjusted for contraceptives and social services (aka welfare.) You have to decide to what you feel comfortable with and whether or not it's worth it. Also, you can't weaponize sex. If you feel a loss of power in the paradigm, the onus is on you to figure out why you were using a sex as a method of control. Not saying you're doing that, but a lot of men and women are. There's nothing wrong with sex outside of a relationship as long as the terms are agreed upon and no one is being exploited. Your feelings do not always accurately represent the true nature of reality. Some people can handle it and some people can't but it's important that you feel okay with your decision.
Gaeta Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 I felt no guilt at all. But I am not American, in my culture sexual shaming is rare. We don't tell little girls she needs to wait for 'the one' and we don't teach her she needs to keep her numbers down. We teach her sexual responsibility and we teach her she is in charge of her sex life. Sex is guilt free. You were probably raised to believe sexual freedom for women is ugly, bad and dirty. You need to DE-program yourself from that belief. You need to come to your own person and decide for yourself what is acceptable behavior or not. Not society. I am pretty liberal but I would not sleep with 2 different men on a same weekend. This is my personal rule. I don't need society to dictate me what is slutty and what's not. I have decided for myself with what I am comfortable with and because I remain within the limits of my own rules I don't have guilt to deal with. 1
jen1447 Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 how do I ease the guilt? Anytime you start feeling guilty, just think about that ORGASM.
RecentChange Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 Naw, I never feel guilty, but I was never raised in such a way that would cause me to feel guilty. I suppose you could say that my parents were sex positive San Francisco hippies. Slut? I don't think I ever heard my parents convey that notion. What they did hammer on was safe sex practices though. I have never felt guilty about causal sex, what would cause me anxiety is not being extra safe about it. 1
Miss Peach Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 We don't tell little girls she needs to wait for 'the one' and we don't teach her she needs to keep her numbers down. My parents tried to teach this to me but for some reason it never took.
Author Charmed22 Posted December 19, 2016 Author Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) I always make sure to use protection. I grew up pretty conservatively and from 18-24 I only had sex with my boyfriend at the time. Since the relationship has ended (a year and a half ago) I have had sex with 4 guys and fooled around with one. I feel kinda odd that I increased my number that much in a year with nothing meaningful to show for it other than sexual experience. The one night stand and the guy I fooled around was the result of me not handling the breakup well. The two guys I dated I had every intention on getting in a relationship with, but nothing came of it and I ended up getting hurt. The most recent one is a friend who I have no feeling for and I know has no feelings for me. It has been a while for both of us and we were simply just in the mood. Ultimately I want a relationship, not a bunch of casual encounters. I just can't help but feel cheap like casual sex could prevent me from finding a meaningful relationship or connection with someone. The other side of me thinks that Im young female and sometimes would like to have that sort of intimate contact. I find that its easier to find sex than it is to actually find the substance behind the sex which is what I'm looking for. This is why I feel guilty everytime I casually hookup. I was curious if there is a way to stop that feeling and be able to think about sex more casually. Especially now when Its rare to find a guy who is actually interested in something more. Edited December 19, 2016 by Charmed22
HereNorThere Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 The roots of your guilt probably lie more from your conservative upbringing more than anything else. I too grew up in a conservative part of the states with religious parents. I cringe thinking about how our church made us AS KIDS take vows of celibacy in front of our entire community. If that doesn't screw a person up, I don't know what will. I encourage you to read Elizabeth Smart's article on teaching abstinence and how much it messed up her mind when she was abducted. I will probably always have a little anxiety the next day. As a guy, you are virtually powerless when it comes to the repercussions of sex. We can't take bc, choose to terminate a pregancy, nada. Feeling anxious or guilty after sex is a gender neutral thing. As Chris Rock says - "The only thing you can do as a guy is say - So whatcha gonna do?"
mortensorchid Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Feeling guilty about the men you have slept with? Well, no, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. I think you have to ask yourself why you are doing it to begin with. Promiscuity is part of growing pains, I went through it when I was in my mid-twenties - I slept with a lot of guys during that time, each was different and under different circumstances. Guilty? No, I learned. I also encountered a woman who was/is very promiscuous, she would sleep with EVERYONE. She told me she'd even had sex with people she didn't even like. She told me that she could not say no to anyone. Why, I wondered. She wanted to be loved. Is that what you feel / want out of these situations? Because you're not getting it. If you do want to be loved, don't do what you're doing. Easier said than done, to be sure, but ... THat's the answer.
ElizabethIII Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 Are you sure you mean guilt OP? I dont get guilt from having sex outside a relationship, if I want to I have it. But what I do feel is a bit morose sometimes. Because they are not a BF. YOu have done the most intimate thing possible and they arent really part of your life, you cant really call just to talk, send texts, ask them to see a movie, invite them out with friends, as they arent a BF. You like them enough to have sex with them so maybe you like them and want more. Maybe that is where the bad feeling comes from?
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