CycleRidr Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 Hi all. I never thought I would turn to an online community for help but here it goes. My wife and I have been together for 24 years and married for 21. About 4 years ago she slowly lost interest in sex, it went from 2 to 3 times a week to 2 to 3 times a month. That was OK to me, we are both busy and I accepted that. Now, for the past 2 years she has lost interest. No physical contact, it's like she put up a wall. She told me about a year ago after this has gone on that the suffers from endometriosis. There are treatments but she does not want to pursue them. OK, I understand pain and don't want to cause pain. When we talked about it I told her I am ok with no penetration, I can still get her to orgasm orally or any other means, in fact, she had the best orgasms that way anyway. I still want to satisfy her... On the flip side she can "return the favor" any way she wants, she's not into oral, anal and that's OK... I respect the boundaries. Now today... She rejects me every time. I am super attracted to her and tell her so, I hope she is attracted to me, she says so. I'm not perfect but who is? She told me it is too hard for her to climax because she cant relax so we may as well not even try anymore. Last night she told me I need to accept there will be no sexual contact any more. She told me she "is broken" and I should find someone better. No way in hell! I want her. My wife does suffer from depression and it is being treated. She suffers from endometriosis which she feels there is no reason to treat. She is under work stress and there is always financial stress we both bear. She does do things around the home as do I. I ask her to joint me in doing things that could be fun and a stress reducer, she refuses. She tends to lose herself in books for hours a day, sometimes losing track of time and staying up til 2 or 3 am. What am I doing wrong? All I want is... My wife to take down the wall between us. Be willing to get out and experience life. Sorry for the venting.
oldshirt Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 There is a current thread titled "sexless marriage" started by a member named Lostlover that sounds very similar to your situation. Read the replies to that thread as many will be aplicable to you as well.
oldshirt Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 In general a loss of sexual response to a spouse (assuming a prior active and satisfying Sexlife) is one or a combination of the following - - medical condition, ie hormonal disorder, illness, side effect of medication etc - psychological condition, ie depression, mental illness, anxiety disorder etc - relationship issues, ie abuse, neglect, resentment etc - outside source of sexuality, ie affair, porn, excessive masturbation etc - loss of sexual attraction to partner, ie weight gain, slovenly dress, lack of hygeine, laziness, passivity etc in partner. Each of those things must be explored diligently.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 All I want is... My wife to take down the wall between us. Be willing to get out and experience life. You forgot to add "world peace". I'm kidding but it all falls in the same equally elusive category - you can "want" all you want, the only person you can ensure achieves those things for you is you. Have you seen a change in your wife's affect or mood since she started being treated for depression? Mr. Lucky
miltie1916 Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 Med and women have different needs, wants and desires in this area. Please seek professional counseling
RecentChange Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 Personally, I would be focusing on her mental and physical health. Until she is “healthier” I do not think she will be able to meet your needs. Her asking you to find someone else, and not perusing treatment jumped out at me. She suffers from depression, and she may also be suffering from low self-worth. WHY won’t see seek treatment for endometriosis? Does she not think she deserves to treat her source of physical pain? Does she think she deserves to stay “broken”? Does she think she is not worth the effort to improve her life? What valid reasons has she given? Depression is no small matter. It can and will suck the life out of people. Its hard to feel sexy, or desired, or to desire someone else when you have such a cloud over you. You said she is in treatment for depression – has her unwillingness to attend to her physical health been addressed in the course of that treatment? What sort of treatment is she receiving? Talk therapy? Medication? Does she exercise regularly? Depression isn’t a burden solely on the depressed, but those who love them as well. Have you been to counseling, have you both gone to counseling together? If not, that is where I would start. You need to be able to communicate your love and concern for her, and your willingness to support her on a path to help. But the thing is, a depressed person won’t often “hear” you, or believe it – because they do not believe they are worth it. This is where couple’s counseling may help. I wouldn’t focus on the lack of sex at the moment, it is a symptom, not the cause. Be willing to get out and experience life. This won't happen until her depression is effectively treated. 3
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