Just got tossed back in the pile?

[pteromom]

Judgeing from the replies to this thread, I'd have people saying "this loser wants exclusivity after one date! How dare he threaten my ability to see 7 men 7 nights of the week!" People make it sound like not multi-dating is unusual and bizarre, which i think is unfortunate.

 

It is unusual - but not bizarre. You aren't a loser!

 

Thing is you have to stand up for who you are.

 

I'd say this girl RARELY meets a guy like you.

 

So you gotta be upfront about who you are and what you want. Tell her next time you see her "I know this is unusual, but I like getting to know one person at a time. I'm not dating anyone else while I get to know you...what do you think about that?"

 

She might be excited about it...you don't know!

 

The reason she is still on there messing with her profile pics is because she's gone on many great dates with wonderful guys who turned out to be liars or cheats or ghosters...so she doesn't want to hang all her hopes on you. It hurts too much when expectations are dashed.

 

So don't give up just because she is updating her profile.

 

Send her a message now that says something casual like "Hope you are having a great time. Looking forward to catching up with you again when you get back!"

[selinaluv]

Of course contact her!

 

She has likely been burned by putting all her eggs in one basket by getting too excited about a guy after one date - so she is keeping options open.

 

That doesn't mean she didn't like you.

 

Yes, this! I would do the same thing.

 

I prepare to move on to the next because that is how most men operate on Tinder. It is rare to meet men like yourself on that app. I use it to keep my options open, cause you just never know...

[Redguitar35]

Yes, this! I would do the same thing.

 

I prepare to move on to the next because that is how most men operate on Tinder. It is rare to meet men like yourself on that app. I use it to keep my options open, cause you just never know...

 

I would only get back on the dating app if I wasn't impressed with the last date and didn't have any intention of seeing the person again. That's how I operate.

[LD1990]

So you didn't ask her to be exclusive, but you're upset that she's still possibly dating other guys? If you want something, go for it. Otherwise, don't be upset when people "operate" differently than you.

 

And for the record, I have gotten a girlfriend on a first date when I was really into the girl, so I'm not just throwing out some crazy idea here. The chemistry was right and I went for it.

 

Multi-dating is pretty common though, so you'll have to get used to it at some point. It doesn't mean the girl doesn't like you. You should stay in touch with this girl and see how things progress.

[CommittedToThis]

she's adding, removing and changing the order of her pictures(

 

Is she adding pictures of other men she's currently dating?

 

If she's just "managing" her FB page I wouldn't sweat it. Some people add, remove and change the order of pics constantly.

 

Wish her a happy holiday and tell her you can't wait to talk to her when she gets back in January.

 

I'm not seeing a big betrayal here or a rejection.

[Miss Peach]

It's not like I asked her to help me pick out the wedding venue.

 

Call it old fashioned, but us guys just like people to be upfront without any games, and we don't enjoy being faded on or left to marinate as another poster put it. We like consistency and honesty. If she hops back on the app, adjusting her marketability for future suitors, that suggests her talk about wanting to get together again wasn't true. In such a case, a simple, "I enjoyed our time together, but I don't think I'd like to get together again" would be appreciated.

 

Not that it matters at this point. I hope I'm wrong about her, but so far in this thread, I'm not the only one who's interpreted her behavior this way.

 

If you are dating on OLD or aren't, if you are in the US assume she is multi-dating. It doesn't mean she didn't enjoy her date, it just means you have to keep asking her out.

 

To be fair, not all women are direct. Many aren't. But you should still be able to read between the lines based on actions.

 

Not everyone multi-dates. For those of us who don't multi-date, your point about keeping your options open is a hard perspective to understand.

 

That's fine if YOU don't but I would assume others do since it's pretty common. Even if you meet women IRL, it doesn't mean she doesn't have an OLD profile somewhere or another first date lined up.

 

If that bothers you, then you need to bring up being exclusive. But IME, the men who have done that early on play a lot of games and women don't have enough time with you to know you are legit yet so you might get some hesitation on her part even if she likes you.

 

I want you to reverse roles for a minute. How does she know you'll even call her and ask her out on a proper date again?

 

So you didn't ask her to be exclusive, but you're upset that she's still possibly dating other guys? If you want something, go for it. Otherwise, don't be upset when people "operate" differently than you.

 

I agree with this. If you want to go against normal convention, you need to step up your communication and expectations too.

[Redguitar35]

So you didn't ask her to be exclusive, but you're upset that she's still possibly dating other guys? If you want something, go for it. Otherwise, don't be upset when people "operate" differently than you.

 

 

I don't want to waste time and energy pursuing somebody who really is lukewarm at best and who doesn't care enough to say she's not interested. Would you?

[LD1990]

I don't want to waste time and energy pursuing somebody who really is lukewarm at best and who doesn't care enough to say she's not interested. Would you?

 

You're jumping to conclusions. The fact that she is still active on Tinder does not mean she is lukewarm at best or not interested. It means she's not putting all her eggs in one basket, and why should she? You two had a nice date. You didn't discuss exclusivity. For all she knows, you may never contact her again.

 

If you have a problem with your situation, it's on you, because you're the one who didn't go for what you wanted. Instead, you're assuming she isn't interested to justify your own inaction.

[Redguitar35]

If you have a problem with your situation, it's on you, because you're the one who didn't go for what you wanted. Instead, you're assuming she isn't interested to justify your own inaction.

 

What do you mean? After the date, I asked her if I could see her again in Jan. Didn't stop her jumping back online. What else could I do?

[LD1990]

What do you mean? After the date, I asked her if I could see her again in Jan. Didn't stop her jumping back online. What else could I do?

 

You wanted exclusivity. You didn't ask for that.

[Redguitar35]

You wanted exclusivity. You didn't ask for that.

 

No. That wouldn't have been appropriate after 2-3 hours together. I just want to be informed directly whether I'll see her again instead of ambiguity and being left to marinate while she invites more contestants onto her speed dating show. Why try to make me "at fault"?

Edited December 19, 2016 by Redguitar35

[Kamille]

No. That wouldn't have been appropriate after 2-3 hours together. I just want to be informed directly whether I'll see her again instead of ambiguity and being left to marinate while she invites more contestants onto her speed dating show. Why try to make me "at fault"?

 

Dude! Ambiguity is par for the course when you just start dating someone. Surely you know that? There is no certainty until you both date for awhile, agree that you are compatible and decide you want to be serious. That does not happen after one date. Never. Not for anyone.

 

You are "at fault" because your expectations are no in line with reality. They are guiding you in the wrong direction, causing you anxiety. Your expectations are causing you to give up too soon on a girl you like.

 

That said, you're still allowed to say you prefer to date one person at a time and for your date to do the same. But the fact that you felt it was inappropriate... That's just you knowing that dating is about getting to know people and that asking for exclusivity is a big deal. (And no, this is not new... Women in the past had suitors and men never left the best girls home on a Saturday night).

 

But put another way: If you want to date, you need to learn to handle uncertainty.

Edited December 19, 2016 by Kamille

[LD1990]

Okay then. Woe is you. Clearly your method, which seems to consist of "whine because what I want didn't fall into my lap," is the way to go.

 

Multi-dating until things get serious is normal. If you aren't into that, you can be open and upfront about it. Or you can move to some small town where people don't multi-date. Or you can throw a temper tantrum about it and assume any girl who updates her dating profile after meeting you is banging dudes left and right. Have fun with that.

[selinaluv]

I would only get back on the dating app if I wasn't impressed with the last date and didn't have any intention of seeing the person again. That's how I operate.

 

And would you tell her that you are not interested in seeing her again after one date? Right away?

 

Most men either ask me for a second or I never hear from again after the first date. Sometimes I don't hear from them for a few days.

 

I don't see the need to sit and twiddle my thumbs waiting for them to proceed or not, even if I do really like them. I have done this and the only one who lost was me. Unfortunately, society has taught women to wait for the man and many of us keep our options open while doing so.

 

We do this because we know often we will never hear from them again. You may be different, but you are a rarity.

[Redhead14]

I had a pretty enjoyable first tinder date with her. We met for lunch, walked a while, then took a spontaneous trip to the museum. She said she enjoyed the day and wanted to keep in touch over the holidays. She's out of town until January.

 

But now when I look at her profile, she's adding, removing and changing the order of her pictures. I guess I didn't wow her after all. It's depressing, because I really liked her. There's just no way to win in this age of dating, people.

 

So what if she's still looking at Tinder. You had one date with her. She doesn't know if she's ever going to hear from you again either! She should be keeping her options open. Why should she stop her world for a guy she went on one date with? She's probably been on a ton of dates and never heard from the guys again and guys she really liked right away. And, by the way, you were on Tinder too . . . so she probably saw you there. I wonder what she's thinking.

 

She might very well like you enough to go on another date at least. Why didn't or why don't you schedule another date with her for after the holidays for crying out loud. And, she said she wanted to keep in touch over the holidays. Make sure you reach out to her here and there and at least wish her a Merry Christmas.

 

I'll never understand why people think that after one or two dates, they "own" the person.

[Redguitar35]

Okay then. Woe is you. Clearly your method, which seems to consist of "whine because what I want didn't fall into my lap," is the way to go.

 

Multi-dating until things get serious is normal. If you aren't into that, you can be open and upfront about it. Or you can move to some small town where people don't multi-date. Or you can throw a temper tantrum about it and assume any girl who updates her dating profile after meeting you is banging dudes left and right. Have fun with that.

 

I just think it's a shame. Men and women who are players and who multi date are glorified, and the ones who aren't are ridiculed and told to get with the times like in this quote. What a sad society we've become.

 

We don't know if she's multidating or not, so I don't know how that became the point of this thread. Maybe people are trying to be optimistic about my chances with her, but I think her getting back online is a red flag. Like I said, I'd only do so if the date was underwhelming and there was no chance of a second date.

Edited December 20, 2016 by Redguitar35

[Kamille]

Not all multidaters are players.

 

And getting to know a few people before getting serious was a big thing in the early 1900s.

 

Plus, you are totally allowed to rule out this woman or any woman because you don't want to date multi-daters. But then, recognize that this is your choice, not an inherent flaw of multidaters or society. A choice. A preference. Your choice. Your preference.

 

So no big drama is going on.

[Redguitar35]

Not all multidaters are players.

 

And getting to know a few people before getting serious was a big thing in the early 1900s.

 

Plus, you are totally allowed to rule out this woman or any woman because you don't want to date multi-daters. But then, recognize that this is your choice, not an inherent flaw of multidaters or society.

 

It is when multidating becomes the norm, definitely. People seem to think I should just ignore the fact that she's posting new pics on her dating profile and that's normal. I dislike online dating, so getting back online after meeting a great person wouldn't be my first choice.

 

But I'm not assuming her multi dating is what's going on here. Others are. My assumption is I wasn't her cup of tea, and she's moved on to other prospects, and doesn't feel the need to say so. I think that's the more likely scenario. Maybe if I follow up with her next month, she'll say as much.

Edited December 20, 2016 by Redguitar35

[Dis]

Cheer up Redguitar!

 

I totally hear what your saying...tbh I wouldnt be thrilled if I saw a guy do this after a date...so I get where your coming from

 

I've never been a big multi-dater either. I get invested easily and like to focus on one person...however...when I do decide to seriously get back into the dating game I'm going to change my approach and multi-date. Like others have said, OLD is very flakey in nature, we as women (and men) arent guaranteed the guy we just went on a date with is going to follow through..we dont even know if we'll hear from him again

 

Her swapping her pics does NOT mean shes not interested. It might actually mean that shes been let down a lot and wants to keep her options open in case you bail

 

You have an opportunity to surprise her...to show consistency and interest! I can tell you that guys like you are hard to come by! If I were in her shoes I'd love it if you let your interest be known and pursued things!

 

Pls dont throw in the towel Redguitar...there is no reason to despair

 

Take a deep breath and text her! Nothing has been lost!

[HereNorThere]

Before coming to loveshack, I didn't even know "multi-dating" was a thing. I thought single people went on dates, eventually found a person they were compatible with, decided to be exclusive.

 

I don't think I've ever met one online dater in real life that went on one date with one person at a time. With as sketchy as online dating is, wouldn't it take like 5 years to find your first relationship? I lived with 4 girls on Match, and I can assure you they weren't going on one date at a time. I mean, why only eat one day a week when you can get dinner for free every night?

 

Smh, it's just weird, man. To think that a person I went on one date was sitting around waiting on me. That seems like a lot of pressure to put on someone you've hung out with for a few hours.

[Redguitar35]

Cheer up Redguitar!

 

I totally hear what your saying...tbh I wouldnt be thrilled if I saw a guy do this after a date...so I get where your coming from

 

I've never been a big multi-dater either. I get invested easily and like to focus on one person...however...when I do decide to seriously get back into the dating game I'm going to change my approach and multi-date. Like others have said, OLD is very flakey in nature, we as women (and men) arent guaranteed the guy we just went on a date with is going to follow through..we dont even know if we'll hear from him again

 

Her swapping her pics does NOT mean shes not interested. It might actually mean that shes been let down a lot and wants to keep her options open in case you bail

 

Thanks for your message. This is the best reply I've seen in this. It just seems as a society we are expecting less and less of each other.

[Dis]

Thanks for your message. This is the best reply I've seen in this. It just seems as a society we are expecting less and less of each other.

 

Of course!

 

I know, dating is a really tough game..I've been hurt a lot too. Just got a little sting from a guy from OLD now so I really can empathize

 

Pls do text her though. Dont put her on a pedestal just because shes a woman. I'm a woman, and an attractive one at that...and I dont have dates lined up

 

Take a leap of faith... you can do it!

 

Text her!

[TheTraveler]

Thanks for your message. This is the best reply I've seen in this. It just seems as a society we are expecting less and less of each other.

 

Taking a quick look at your profile you're in a negative energy to begin with. You need to make changes. Only you can do that OP

[selinaluv]

Thanks for your message. This is the best reply I've seen in this. It just seems as a society we are expecting less and less of each other.

 

But should we expect more? It's only been one date. I know how you feel and used to think that way, but not sure it is realistic thinking after one date. I changed because I am learning not to expect too much right away.

[Mkn1010]

I need to say, as a woman who used to use Tinder frequently, that I have done the same thing and updated my profile after a fantastic first date. I did this because I otherwise would get too invested and I'm sensitive and it hurts like hell when someone I like turns out to be just another one for the bin! Plus a large number of dating advice sites ACTUALLY recommend multi-dating/keeping options open/not investing early etc for women so that they can manage their emotions better, I sh*t you not, that's where I got it from!!