dumbass2 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 (edited) So if you and her are on good terms, then why are you just sending a "Merry Christmas" to her mom and not her? Edited December 20, 2016 by dumbass2
LD1990 Posted December 20, 2016 Posted December 20, 2016 You broke up 10 months ago. There's no reason to wish your ex's mother a merry Christmas. She may be a sweetheart, maybe you two got along very well, but at the end of the day she's not your mother. Getting in touch with the mom is just an attempt at keeping a connection open, which is what you want but not what you need right now.
Author Murmillo Posted December 21, 2016 Author Posted December 21, 2016 Hi all, In my last topic I mentioned that I wanted to send my ex's mom a text just to wish her a happy christmas. Some background on my situation: - Broken up 10 months ago, I am the dumpee. Her feelings had changed because I took her for granted, I blocked the growth of our relationship and my lack of commitment made her insecure, and LDR which I handled the wrong way (a lot of meaningless texting instead of visiting) - Because of a medical condition I had extreme anxiety around the time she broke up with me and I took the news of her changed feelings really bad. I pestered her for 10 weeks and in those 10 weeks we went from her saying "I think one day we will be together again" to "I never said never myself but if that is what it takes for you to get the message than yes we are over for good". I sent her an apology letter a month after that to which she responded positive and we are kind of friends after that, even though I stopped reaching out for over 2 months now. She still contacts me from time to time - She seems happy, moved on and it might be that she is seeing someone else but I am not sure In my previous topic a lot of people told me not to do it because it could potentially annoy my ex. I was quite surprised by this and I have no hidden agenda or anything (really). I just wanted to text her mom beause I really liked her and never got the chance to say goodbye. Just a message along the lines of 'Hi (...) I hope you have a wonderful X-mas and a happy New Year, Best (...)' What do you guys think? PS: I did not want to hijack my own topic so that is why I open a new one
basil67 Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 My ex husband of 25 years still sends my mum Christmas wishes and she sends them in return. Mum likes that he does this and I have no objections.
Jimmyjackson Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 You might not have a 'hidden agenda', but this is how it will come across to your ex. So no.
keiji Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 Well I kind of learned to never take any actions while you are in a fearful state... I did this a lot after the breakup and the consequences were often terrible. I also want to send her mom a message for Christmas and I have my birthday on the 27th... I think it would just all be a bit too much... Of course, you know your own reactions, but I still think the wait may cause you more anxiety now that you have made up your mind about giving it a try. My birthday is also on the 27th. Have a great day and lots of luck. Let us know how it all turned out.
whatdeww18 Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 If you want to wish your ex's mother a happy holiday season, I think that is okay. There are wonderful people that you meet from your ex's family. However, just reading the tea leaves from the way you write, it seems that you want to do this as a nice gesture mixed with feelings of closure. You never got to say goodbye officially to her mom? That just sounds like you are still searching for closure to me, which I completely understand. I think you should have done this sooner if this was your feeling. Saying good bye to close friends and family of your ex is associated with the end of the break up and realizing you have to move on. If you have to do it now, better to get it out of your system and just do it. I would also ask, why you feel like you want to say happy holidays to your ex's mom in particular? Is it the same feeling as sending a card to your close relatives? If that is the case, then I say it's no different than sending christmas cards to your family. Keep doing it. Don't slack. But if it's for closure, let her mom know you are sending good wishes and wish her a wonderful life and thank her for the memories. Sometimes, acts of closure are what you need to do to move on. You may regret this later, but in my experience, I would regret not letting my ex's friends know they were great people and I do not want to put them in the grey zone of having to choose between their friend vs me and talking to me while my ex and I are broken up and not friends.
Blanco Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 He wouldn't care about saying "goodbye" to his ex's mom if he didn't want the ex back. It's not like he broke his ex's heart and just vanished. He got dumped. I sincerely doubt the ex's mother has lost any sleep over why she hasn't heard from the OP. Her daughter broke up with him. Only an insane person would wonder why they weren't still hearing from someone who got dumped by their son or daughter. I'm sorry, but regardless of what you're telling yourself, this is just a ploy to keep a connection open with your ex because you want her back. 1
dumbass2 Posted December 21, 2016 Posted December 21, 2016 You're going to get the same responses as the original thread. You're looking for one person to say go ahead and do it, so go ahead and send it to her mom. I've already told you that it's taking an unnecessary risk leading up to you texting her down the road, but since i don't believe that that is going to go the way you hope for, I guess you have nothing to lose.
Author Murmillo Posted December 22, 2016 Author Posted December 22, 2016 Of course, you know your own reactions, but I still think the wait may cause you more anxiety now that you have made up your mind about giving it a try. My birthday is also on the 27th. Have a great day and lots of luck. Let us know how it all turned out. Thanks, I wish you a happy birthday as well! My anxiety has subsided a bit since I started this thread. My gut feeling still says that she is seeing someone so I am preparing for the worst. I am going to try to focus as little as possible on her the next 2 weeks After I am back from the holidays, settled in my new place and feel more stable again I will probably reach out to her and ask her if she would be interested in meeting up soon. If not, well then I guess I will see you guys in the healing section. I WILL stay strong and be a man. I have been telling myself that out loud and it actually works.
Author Murmillo Posted December 23, 2016 Author Posted December 23, 2016 I take that back... I was not looking her up on facebook but when I logged on the first thing I saw was a message of her friend talking about her staying at the city where she is living now (and thus not going to her parents for Xmas).Which can probably only mean one thing....
krich1187 Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 I take that back... I was not looking her up on facebook but when I logged on the first thing I saw was a message of her friend talking about her staying at the city where she is living now (and thus not going to her parents for Xmas).Which can probably only mean one thing.... Reading your thread I really don't understand you. It was so clearly over when you first posted and you've just made it worse. Man up, take care of yourself and stop worrying about someone who obviously doesn't share the same feelings for you anymore.
Author Murmillo Posted December 23, 2016 Author Posted December 23, 2016 Reading your thread I really don't understand you. It was so clearly over when you first posted and you've just made it worse. Man up, take care of yourself and stop worrying about someone who obviously doesn't share the same feelings for you anymore. Because I still think of her constantly, I am depressed and I hate myself everyday for the mistakes I made. At the moment it feels like I am punished for life....
Ilovepizzalady Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 Because I still think of her constantly, I am depressed and I hate myself everyday for the mistakes I made. At the moment it feels like I am punished for life.... Have you read the book "Attached" ? It's amazing. I think it would help you.
krich1187 Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 Because I still think of her constantly, I am depressed and I hate myself everyday for the mistakes I made. At the moment it feels like I am punished for life.... Everyone makes mistakes. You'll be a better person for your next relationship which will be even better. Come on man. You won't get her or anyone with this self depreciating attitude.
Author Murmillo Posted December 23, 2016 Author Posted December 23, 2016 Have you read the book "Attached" ? It's amazing. I think it would help you. Will look into it. Thanks for the tip. Why do you think it would help me for my situation if I may ask?
Ilovepizzalady Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 It will help you stop blaming yourself.
Author Murmillo Posted December 23, 2016 Author Posted December 23, 2016 Everyone makes mistakes. You'll be a better person for your next relationship which will be even better. Come on man. You won't get her or anyone with this self depreciating attitude. I know, I will never ever find anyone like her anymore. That is the danger from dating out of your league...
ExpatInItaly Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 I know, I will never ever find anyone like her anymore. That is the danger from dating out of your league... No offense meant OP, but you don't know that so quit telling yourself that. That is part of your problem - that defeatist attitude. Sure, she might have been a great girlfriend. But it obviously wasn't all that amazing if the relationship is over now. Something was missing in your connection. You have been keeping yourself stuck by not really going No Contact. You simply have to. Otherwise, you'll be back here a year from now wondering if it's okay to send her mom a Merry Christmas message again. Start behaving like your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy.
DarrenB Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 Thinking like a pessimist is NOT going to help you overcome the dilemma that you're currently facing, okay? you need to trust and believe me on that. For every difficulty there is in life, it is matched by another opportunity and simplicity. Help yourself, don't destroy yourself.
Author Murmillo Posted December 23, 2016 Author Posted December 23, 2016 Thinking like a pessimist is NOT going to help you overcome the dilemma that you're currently facing, okay? you need to trust and believe me on that. For every difficulty there is in life, it is matched by another opportunity and simplicity. Help yourself, don't destroy yourself. Which dilemma do you mean?
Jimmyjackson Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 I know, I will never ever find anyone like her anymore. That is the danger from dating out of your league... The girl I dated recently was out of my league also so I know how you feel, wondering if you'll get another that attractive. But try to think of it this way; if you've done it before you can do it again? Girls are attracted to confidence...be confident!
DarrenB Posted December 23, 2016 Posted December 23, 2016 Which dilemma do you mean? The predicament of over-analyzing a situation which is non-worthy of even you having to worry about, and causing yourself to fall into a sadness quote on quote, depression because you still feel so invested into this girl and you have no idea what to do. That dilemma.
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