Asking if she is seeing someone?

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

Getting over her is a mind game. The way your mind is working right now is you are refusing to envision her with someone else and holding on to hope. What's going to happen is you're going to see her out/on social media with her new guy at which point you won't be able to stop your mind from going through the process of envisioning her with another man.... boy oh boy is that going to hurt!! Desensitizing the mind works the same way under both scenarios.

 

The shortcut:

-go to your bedroom and lie down

-close your eyes and picture her sucking, licking, banging all types of men. Loving it! Harry men, build men, big/small/fat cocks... think really graphic.

 

Just the thought of it is disgusting huh and yes it's going to hurt like hell but... you are going to go through these emotions either way, by forcing them now or seeing her with another man and your mind forcing them on you.

 

The advantage to doing it now:

-you get it out of the way and start to move on

-it's been 10 months it's time to move on!

-when you do see her with someone else in 2 or 5 or 15 months it's not going to feel as bad... you've already gone through the emotions, and you haven't wasted 2 or 5 or 15 months

[CelticGibson]

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance? Where do you think you are right now?

 

It's pretty obvious you are in the first stage of denial. You haven't accepted that things end, things change, people change who and what they want in their lives. You realise you have made a massive error by taking your ex for granted too late and you realise it now and think that just because you realise it that she should also go "hey! he finally realised how much he took me for granted! Now we can get back together and grow old together!"

 

Sorry, that's not how it works. Taking someone for granted isn't something done in one isolated occurrence. You can be sure it has been going on for quite a while for the relationship to perish the way it did. The thing is, you don't know how many times she must have felt take for granted and never once complained. You don't know how much that might have affected her self worth and made her question whether you actually loved her or not and you don't know how long that has been festering there. It looks like you drove her to the point of no return and there is literally nothing you can do to erase the experience of being in a relationship with you.

 

We all make mistakes but we don't always get to amend for them and there are consequences and now you must live with yours.

 

Time to move on and stop looking at her social media. Go No Contact immediately and begin the healing and get yourself out of denial and through the other four stages.

[umirano]

Oh please give me a break. She's the perfect woman? There are 3.5 bn women in the world. I'm sure there's more than one that can be a great partner. Go out there and explore. It's said to be great fun in this big world. No one is actually this angel that we make them out to be in our minds.

[Murmillo]

I read this and I see it completely differently.

You said you two broke up bc you were not ready to take relationship to the next level.

If this is what she wanted and you are ready now you should talk to her.

In this situation I don't see the difference who was initiator of the break up, the reason is more important.

If i were you I would definitely talk to her and tel her how I feel. If she says no, not interested, it will hurt but you can move on. If you still have feelings for her after 10 months I would do that.

And I wouldn't worry about that guy or whoever she traveled with.

 

I did try to talk to her about it in the beginning but in the wrong 'I will change', 'I have changed' kind of way...

 

Getting over her is a mind game. The way your mind is working right now is you are refusing to envision her with someone else and holding on to hope. What's going to happen is you're going to see her out/on social media with her new guy at which point you won't be able to stop your mind from going through the process of envisioning her with another man.... boy oh boy is that going to hurt!! Desensitizing the mind works the same way under both scenarios.

 

The shortcut:

-go to your bedroom and lie down

-close your eyes and picture her sucking, licking, banging all types of men. Loving it! Harry men, build men, big/small/fat cocks... think really graphic.

 

Just the thought of it is disgusting huh and yes it's going to hurt like hell but... you are going to go through these emotions either way, by forcing them now or seeing her with another man and your mind forcing them on you.

 

The advantage to doing it now:

-you get it out of the way and start to move on

-it's been 10 months it's time to move on!

-when you do see her with someone else in 2 or 5 or 15 months it's not going to feel as bad... you've already gone through the emotions, and you haven't wasted 2 or 5 or 15 months

 

I already have these visions, sometimes I dream about it...

 

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance? Where do you think you are right now?

 

It's pretty obvious you are in the first stage of denial. You haven't accepted that things end, things change, people change who and what they want in their lives. You realise you have made a massive error by taking your ex for granted too late and you realise it now and think that just because you realise it that she should also go "hey! he finally realised how much he took me for granted! Now we can get back together and grow old together!"

 

Sorry, that's not how it works. Taking someone for granted isn't something done in one isolated occurrence. You can be sure it has been going on for quite a while for the relationship to perish the way it did. The thing is, you don't know how many times she must have felt take for granted and never once complained. You don't know how much that might have affected her self worth and made her question whether you actually loved her or not and you don't know how long that has been festering there. It looks like you drove her to the point of no return and there is literally nothing you can do to erase the experience of being in a relationship with you.

 

We all make mistakes but we don't always get to amend for them and there are consequences and now you must live with yours.

 

Time to move on and stop looking at her social media. Go No Contact immediately and begin the healing and get yourself out of denial and through the other four stages.

 

You are right... She almost never actually told me and I was too complacent to realize it myself... But the thing I regret the most is how I reacted to her telling her feelings had changed... I feel there still was a chance but I screwed up too bad after that as well.

 

Oh please give me a break. She's the perfect woman? There are 3.5 bn women in the world. I'm sure there's more than one that can be a great partner. Go out there and explore. It's said to be great fun in this big world. No one is actually this angel that we make them out to be in our minds.

 

Yes she was... She loved all the things I loved, was absolutely gorgeous (my jaw dropped the first time I saw her), was super sweet and most of all... She was completely head over heels with me...

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to delete her off social media.

 

Otherwise, you can only blame yourself when seeing her updates hurts like hell. If she isn't interested in reconciliation, you need to cut yourself off from her.

[Blanco]

Some lessons we must learn the hard way. I've made a fine art out of learning most things the hard way.

 

Consider this your hard lesson learned to be emotionally available should you choose to take part in a romantic relationship.

 

Not much else you can do.

[Murmillo]

What I will do, I will ask her after NYE whether she wants to go for a drink and spend time together. If she declines I will probably also hear whether she is seeing someone else. If so, I will be honest with her and tell her that I will have to completely remove her from my life.

 

Most of you guys will probably disagree with asking her for one last time but it is for my own peace of mind as well. I want to feel that I at least tried everything...

 

Any thoughts?

[DarrenB]

What I will do, I will ask her after NYE whether she wants to go for a drink and spend time together. If she declines I will probably also hear whether she is seeing someone else. If so, I will be honest with her and tell her that I will have to completely remove her from my life.

 

Most of you guys will probably disagree with asking her for one last time but it is for my own peace of mind as well. I want to feel that I at least tried everything...

 

Any thoughts?

 

I don't disagree with you, I went to get closure one last time. It didn't specifically go how I initially intended it to, but either way I got the closure I wanted. Go for it, but don't go in with the mentality: 'Hey, here's my chance to get back with her! it's after NYE! It's a great occasion, start a new year, new me!', etc. Go in with the mentality of being direct but formal, if you get a blunt response or no response then that is your queue to leave it all together, if she wants to, then do it but don't expect a fairy tale story to happen.

[PegNosePete]

Most of you guys will probably disagree with asking her for one last time

I don't disagree with you, in fact I already agreed with you on the previous page.

 

What I disagree with is the timing. I think you should ask NOW so this isn't hanging over your head all Christmas and New Year. The longer you leave it, the more you will build it up and over-think it. Just ask now and you'll have your answer today.

[keiji]

What I will do, I will ask her after NYE whether she wants to go for a drink and spend time together. If she declines I will probably also hear whether she is seeing someone else. If so, I will be honest with her and tell her that I will have to completely remove her from my life.

 

Most of you guys will probably disagree with asking her for one last time but it is for my own peace of mind as well. I want to feel that I at least tried everything...

 

Any thoughts?

 

What I don't understand is, why wait? On the one hand you seem to be desperate to know something that will positively hurt like hell. On the other hand, you seem to be postponing the moment of truth. Get it out of the way and ask her right now.

[Murmillo]

I don't disagree with you, I went to get closure one last time. It didn't specifically go how I initially intended it to, but either way I got the closure I wanted. Go for it, but don't go in with the mentality: 'Hey, here's my chance to get back with her! it's after NYE! It's a great occasion, start a new year, new me!', etc. Go in with the mentality of being direct but formal, if you get a blunt response or no response then that is your queue to leave it all together, if she wants to, then do it but don't expect a fairy tale story to happen.

 

I know this is a very personal question but could you explain as specific as you want to what you exactly did and what her response was? That would help me a lot. Thanks!

 

I don't disagree with you, in fact I already agreed with you on the previous page.

 

What I disagree with is the timing. I think you should ask NOW so this isn't hanging over your head all Christmas and New Year. The longer you leave it, the more you will build it up and over-think it. Just ask now and you'll have your answer today.

 

What I don't understand is, why wait? On the one hand you seem to be desperate to know something that will positively hurt like hell. On the other hand, you seem to be postponing the moment of truth. Get it out of the way and ask her right now.

 

Well I kind of learned to never take any actions while you are in a fearful state... I did this a lot after the breakup and the consequences were often terrible. I also want to send her mom a message for Christmas and I have my birthday on the 27th... I think it would just all be a bit too much...

[thajake]

my closure was similar although, its good to be prepared for answers such us she has boyfriend or she had already slept with him or she might tell you that she is going to engage. just keep calm, don't freak out it will only show your neediness and weakens, be a man. wish her best. If she not going out with with anybody than maybe she needs more time but still show her best and tell her good bye.

as for you lingering any longer is just not going to be working for your advantage.

If she needs to know that you took her decision serious and you moving your direction without her.

 

it is her that has problem not you, you are perfectly fine person who loves her who she is. She has doubts than she needs to clear by herself.

 

when I heard that my ex is dating and getting engaged, i was actually well prepared for it as my goal was to move on as fast as possible but needed that last closure thing. I was like, ok great wish you best of luck C Ya. I could hear still in her voice some hesitation but the time has come to the end you to save yourself, and I went running sprint 5km. after running dopamine kicks in and you will feel better for a a while, enough to delete everything, block social media once for all.

 

do as well ritual closure after that , take your best buddy , take her photos and burn that crap , its all past which is irrelevant anymore. burn it say last good bye and go with buddy to enjoy the time. from than on you never contact her until you fully recovered.

 

run everyday sometimes twice a day, if feel pain at night or early morning go for running. dopamine is great cure , during running you can as well scream if you want or swear on her, release the pain but dopamine will balance your depression.

 

start writing journal , everything you have on your mind , letters to her, all that you want to still tell her , write it all down , on the phone or computer. is really great way to calm down and control no contact.

 

anyway if she wants to reconcile and you don't have power over her than this will only be temporary. You need to get full power over her, she needs to kiss your ass now not you(because she hurt you) and the only way to get power is to go through the break up, and move on. Once you secure on the feet than you can be friend again and see how it goes. you will have new perspective on everything and perhaps she will grow up too, perhaps she will finish her new relationship , I mean people getting back to each other after years. but all depends how you finish. So be gentleman till the end. So she remembers you as guy with balls. respect her decision.

You will never forget her don't worry , we remember everybody in our life but the idea is to be the person she first met you day one. She clearly doest want what is now.

 

life is great! and there are another 10 women waiting for you around the corner, and believe me you will love them much smarter and better than previous one as you will learn new things.

 

good luck buddy.

[Murmillo]

my closure was similar although, its good to be prepared for answers such us she has boyfriend or she had already slept with him or she might tell you that she is going to engage. just keep calm, don't freak out it will only show your neediness and weakens, be a man. wish her best. If she not going out with with anybody than maybe she needs more time but still show her best and tell her good bye.

as for you lingering any longer is just not going to be working for your advantage.

If she needs to know that you took her decision serious and you moving your direction without her.

 

it is her that has problem not you, you are perfectly fine person who loves her who she is. She has doubts than she needs to clear by herself.

 

when I heard that my ex is dating and getting engaged, i was actually well prepared for it as my goal was to move on as fast as possible but needed that last closure thing. I was like, ok great wish you best of luck C Ya. I could hear still in her voice some hesitation but the time has come to the end you to save yourself, and I went running sprint 5km. after running dopamine kicks in and you will feel better for a a while, enough to delete everything, block social media once for all.

 

do as well ritual closure after that , take your best buddy , take her photos and burn that crap , its all past which is irrelevant anymore. burn it say last good bye and go with buddy to enjoy the time. from than on you never contact her until you fully recovered.

 

run everyday sometimes twice a day, if feel pain at night or early morning go for running. dopamine is great cure , during running you can as well scream if you want or swear on her, release the pain but dopamine will balance your depression.

 

start writing journal , everything you have on your mind , letters to her, all that you want to still tell her , write it all down , on the phone or computer. is really great way to calm down and control no contact.

 

anyway if she wants to reconcile and you don't have power over her than this will only be temporary. You need to get full power over her, she needs to kiss your ass now not you(because she hurt you) and the only way to get power is to go through the break up, and move on. Once you secure on the feet than you can be friend again and see how it goes. you will have new perspective on everything and perhaps she will grow up too, perhaps she will finish her new relationship , I mean people getting back to each other after years. but all depends how you finish. So be gentleman till the end. So she remembers you as guy with balls. respect her decision.

You will never forget her don't worry , we remember everybody in our life but the idea is to be the person she first met you day one. She clearly doest want what is now.

 

life is great! and there are another 10 women waiting for you around the corner, and believe me you will love them much smarter and better than previous one as you will learn new things.

 

good luck buddy.

 

This is one of the most helpfull posts ever and I can not thank you enough.

 

What cues did you have that she was seeing someone else?

[thajake]

she told me that she will start dating soon, so I figured that its must be true why would she want to lie to me. so I started preparing for the news. after another 20 days I called her again, as i couldn't speak with her normally if I did not calm myself down, and than she broke news to me. I said i was happy for her, and I could feel she felt relief .

 

she was certainly trying to tell me from beginning that is over between me and her but she as well tried to be nice about it.

 

she told me that she has changed , ok if somebody tells me that than i guess they mean it.(i mean you must know your gf to understand what she means) people during the break up are very serious as they made their decision earlier and took them a while while keeping you in the dark and they want to stick with it. just some are not very sure till the end and hang on to find some somebody new first to go under, they are hurt too but mostly guilt.

 

very often girls don't know why this is happening to them they just don't feel to you like before and they want to be honest about this, especially if they were good girls loving you too. so before they start new relationship they feel respect to partner to break up first and than take slowly with new guy.

when they break up with you feel guilt but than as well relief which helps them to move on faster, than sex with new guy will shoot up chemicals in brain and new love "honey moon period" starts and than you just can't do anything but back up like gentlemen.

 

you have to ask yourself a question , why somebody would want to break up with you and not start seeing somebody new, thats the point of break up ,no? , to see what else is there if something doesn't fit. but is not fair to the new guy to keep contact with you or being in two relationships, I mean they can't fully commit if they are with you and with other guy, hence there is break up.

 

this really all make sense and take things as they are , don't over analyse her.

 

love is kind !!

[Murmillo]

she told me that she will start dating soon, so I figured that its must be true why would she want to lie to me. so I started preparing for the news. after another 20 days I called her again, as i couldn't speak with her normally if I did not calm myself down, and than she broke news to me. I said i was happy for her, and I could feel she felt relief .

 

she was certainly trying to tell me from beginning that is over between me and her but she as well tried to be nice about it.

 

she told me that she has changed , ok if somebody tells me that than i guess they mean it.(i mean you must know your gf to understand what she means) people during the break up are very serious as they made their decision earlier and took them a while while keeping you in the dark and they want to stick with it. just some are not very sure till the end and hang on to find some somebody new first to go under, they are hurt too but mostly guilt.

 

very often girls don't know why this is happening to them they just don't feel to you like before and they want to be honest about this, especially if they were good girls loving you too. so before they start new relationship they feel respect to partner to break up first and than take slowly with new guy.

when they break up with you feel guilt but than as well relief which helps them to move on faster, than sex with new guy will shoot up chemicals in brain and new love "honey moon period" starts and than you just can't do anything but back up like gentlemen.

 

you have to ask yourself a question , why somebody would want to break up with you and not start seeing somebody new, thats the point of break up ,no? , to see what else is there if something doesn't fit. but is not fair to the new guy to keep contact with you or being in two relationships, I mean they can't fully commit if they are with you and with other guy, hence there is break up.

 

this really all make sense and take things as they are , don't over analyse her.

 

love is kind !!

 

Ok well my situation was kind of different... She did not tell me right away that it was over. That only came after I continued pestering her. I wish she just would have told me right away that it was over, then I at least would not have had the regret feeling that our situation still could have worked if I would have found these message boards earlier...

 

Some days ago I looked at all the facebook friends she got this year and there is literally not one where I think she would ever be attracted to...

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, even if she isn't seeing someone, it doesn't necessarily mean she will be open to reconciling with you.

 

You need to be prepared to hear that, too. There might be nobody in particular in her sights, or she may not wish to tell you about it. Do you think you will be able to handle hearing that she doesn't want to get back together anyway?

 

And the Facebook friends she's added? You're obviously spending far too much time analyzing her activity when the truth is that she could be seeing someone who isn't even on social media. My current partner isn't either, so my profile gives no indication that he is in fact a big part of my life. Or, she might be seeing someone she hasn't yet added. The possibilities are endless here, so don't waste any more of your time trying to suss out clues from social media.

 

Just a point of curiosity - why are you sending her mom a Christmas message?

[Murmillo]

OP, even if she isn't seeing someone, it doesn't necessarily mean she will be open to reconciling with you.

 

You need to be prepared to hear that, too. There might be nobody in particular in her sights, or she may not wish to tell you about it. Do you think you will be able to handle hearing that she doesn't want to get back together anyway?

 

And the Facebook friends she's added? You're obviously spending far too much time analyzing her activity when the truth is that she could be seeing someone who isn't even on social media. My current partner isn't either, so my profile gives no indication that he is in fact a big part of my life. Or, she might be seeing someone she hasn't yet added. The possibilities are endless here, so don't waste any more of your time trying to suss out clues from social media.

 

Just a point of curiosity - why are you sending her mom a Christmas message?

 

Because I never got to say goodbye to her mom. I will not write a long dramatic message, just to wish her and her family a happy X-mas.

 

You maybe think that is wrong?

[ExpatInItaly]

Because I never got to say goodbye to her mom. I will not write a long dramatic message, just to wish her and her family a happy X-mas.

 

You maybe think that is wrong?

 

I think your ex won't appreciate it. If you two had broken up recently, that might make more sense. But this was months ago, right?

 

Don't contact her family. Have any of them reached out to you? If not, just leave it be.

[Murmillo]

I think your ex won't appreciate it. If you two had broken up recently, that might make more sense. But this was months ago, right?

 

Don't contact her family. Have any of them reached out to you? If not, just leave it be.

 

Oh wow, did not expect this.

 

Why would that be so bad? My ex and I are still on speaking terms.Yes the break up was messy but from her side there are no hard feelings anymore. The only one that has reached out in the last 2 months is she.

 

Could you maybe elaborate a bit more?

[thajake]

do you mean she broke up with you and only later you realised this means is over? or what do you mean?

 

if someone breaks up than is over. thats it , full stop. there is no half break up

 

looks like you are in the friend zone and in the bargaining stage.

 

best for you is move right or left , so either stay in the friend zone and suffer until she will block you for good or find new man or make decision to move on.

 

if you are not couple anymore than you are separate entities , she has her life and you have yours. everything else is past. especially if there was 8 months after break up. poor girl she is probably suffering as much as you and you love her so much that you think your love will somehow cure her. well if she does not love you or feel same way than you can't force in to her that feeling. its time to accept that.

 

you have your own beautiful life with so many more to explore don't linger on somebody who rejects you. love doesn't work one way. must be mutual. if it isn't than you need to heal and find new one and there is plenty of it. everyone says ohh she was love of my life until they get over, find new one and look back than they are laughing.

 

life is full of wonderful women who can appreciate you and love you.

you have to understand present facts, you have broken up and she does not feel same way. respect her and more importantly yourself.

 

you live with memory of the past and this makes you can't see the present situation.

 

open the eyes. care for yourself. if she wants you back she will know how to make it. don't live on the breadcrumbs.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh wow, did not expect this.

 

Why would that be so bad? My ex and I are still on speaking terms.Yes the break up was messy but from her side there are no hard feelings anymore. The only one that has reached out in the last 2 months is she.

 

Could you maybe elaborate a bit more?

 

Because she ended the relationship, and that usually also means ending family connections. She knows you didn't want to end it, so you getting in touch her family around the holidays will probably only send her the message that you're still not getting that your relationship is over. It will look like an attempt on your part to wiggle your way back in. And imagine how awkward it will be if you come to find out she is seeing someone. I just wouldn't go there.

 

If they have not initiated contact with you, I really don't see any reason why you would contact them, especially given that the break-up was a while ago.

[Blanco]

Some days ago I looked at all the facebook friends she got this year and there is literally not one where I think she would ever be attracted to...

 

1) That's not healthy that you are so closely monitoring her social media activity.

 

2) You aren't her, so you don't know who she would or wouldn't be attracted to. I've seen most of my exes' ex or current partners. Very few of them look like someone I would think would appeal to them. But then again, that's me looking through my own biased lens, just as you are doing. I get where your head is at in this thought process, but it's really grasping for straws.

 

3) You need to consider the real possibility that your ex has been with at least a guy or two since your split. If she's as amazing as you say, then it's unlikely she's been totally inactive for half a year.

[dumbass2]

Could you maybe elaborate a bit more?

 

Your ex may see it as manipulation on your end. You don't need to say good bye to the mom. Your ex will think you are doing it as way to ease back in. Maybe use her mom to help you win her back. There is no good to come out of sending it to her mom ESPECIALLY since you plan on contacting your ex one last time. It only has the potential to upset your ex when her mom tells her that she got a message from you out of the blue. What if her mom replies back and says something like she wishes you and her daughter were still dating? Then what? What if she sends back a reply you didn't want to here? What affect will that have on you contacting your ex then? Don't bring her mom into the middle of this.

 

If she voiced her displeasure with your neediness before, then this will kill any shot (however slim) that your ex considers getting back when you contact her again.

Edited December 20, 2016 by dumbass2

[Murmillo]

But my ex also reached out to my mom some time after the BU after she heard my cousin had a bad car accident...

 

I am really not sending this for my ex, this is just something that I want to do for her mom who is a true sweetheart.

 

I really can not imagine me dumping someone and then getting annoyed by the dumpee when they just wish my mom a happy X-mas...

[Blanco]

It's been nearly a year. You're not being honest with yourself about why you're really wanting to reach out to your ex's family.