Girl seems to have no sexual attraction to me?

[Had]

Been dating someone for about a month now. Met several times etc.

 

This weekend I invite her over to my place, she agrees.

 

We watch a movie and then at one point I make a move (of sexual nature). She initially seems to be receptive but then after a few minutes seems to have become very cold and distant.

 

She becomes kind of withdrawn and never looks directly into my eyes and always avoids looking at me.

 

She didn't really seem to have been into it that much and I felt it was only getting worse.

 

So were are there in bed half naked and she's almost completely passive. Then at one point she says we should stop now.

 

I ask if everything is alright, she says yes and them immediately rolls over the other side with the back to me and goes to sleep. No conversation, no nothing. Just showing the back to me and complete silence.

 

Next morning she goes to work and then sends me all kinds of nice sounding texts. Unusually nice, including words such as "honey" etc. - we didn't have that kind of talk before.

 

I really felt strange. I mean, I was with a number of women before but never felt anything like this, like when you are simply not wanted. It was different from when someone just "isn't in the mood".

 

She is most definitely not a shy girl at all. Quite the other way around.

 

Important to note: We are supposed to spend New Years together and have already booked hotels. This is important to keep in mind for the questions below.

 

-----

 

So, actually my concrete questions are as follows:

 

1. Does this warrant a talk? - Should I bring this up and have it discussed what happened?

2. If yes, how should I approach this talk? What should I ask and how to bring it up in an adult fashion?

3. Is there a chance she's extra nice now so I don't quit right before New Years with the planned trip?

4. Should I quit?

Edited December 19, 2016 by Had

[TheWhittler]

You shoudl quit.

 

Because...

 

"She initially seems to be receptive but then after a few minutes seems to have become very cold and distant.

 

She becomes kind of withdrawn and never looks directly into my eyes and always avoids looking at me.

 

She didn't really seem to have been into it that much and I felt it was only getting worse.

 

So were are there in bed half naked and she's almost completely passive. Then at one point she says we should stop now."

 

She should not have needed to say stop. When she became non-receptive you should have stopped anyway.

 

I think you are dating a girl who is either a. not into you but thinks she should date you despite not being attracted to you because you are a decent guy or b. a girl who has been abused or raped.

 

If its a. don't bother wasting your time.

If its b. you need to walk away as you do not have the capacity to deal with it proven by the fact she had to ask you to stop rather than you picking up and noticing that she wasn't enjoying what was going on. That is not a slate against you but it is difficult and some can cope, others can't. I think you are not experienced enough to be able to.

[coolheadal]

Simple one just ask her how she feels about you? Can she look you dead in the eye or does she look the other way to the left or right or even downwards. This is a sign she's not really head over heels into. You need to move on. Don't waste your entire life with this woman who's not even showing anything like she's into you emotionally or physically as you know this already but put up with her behavioral nonsense. Women will say anything to you, but what counts in the end is how they treat you emotionally if they even do?

[basil67]

When you initiated sexual contact, had she been an enthusiastic partner previously? Had her kisses prior to this sexual encounter been passionate?

 

I guess I'm wondering if you misread her enthusiasm.

[Had]

When you initiated sexual contact, had she been an enthusiastic partner previously? Had her kisses prior to this sexual encounter been passionate?

 

Hm not sure how to answer this.

 

This whole thing is quite new and we only met a few times so far.

 

It did progressively get better though. i.e first kisses during the first few dates were cold etc. but then it became better over time.

 

She seemed to have been not that into me physically initially but then has eased up over time. She is definitely more easy and relaxed around me now than in the beginning and this has been a clearly observable and gradual process. She got easier and more receptive after each date.

 

... except the sex part, which feels 100% the same as the kisses (or better said kiss attempts) initially. But this has been the first attempt so far and first sleepover.

 

Is there a chance she's get more comfortable with this as well in time, or better simply just quit now and not waste time?

[coolheadal]

Hm not sure how to answer this.

 

This whole thing is quite new and we only met a few times so far.

 

It did progressively get better though. i.e first kisses during the first few dates were cold etc. but then it became better over time.

 

She seemed to have been not that into me physically initially but then has eased up over time. She is definitely more easy and relaxed around me now than in the beginning and this has been a clearly observable and gradual process. She got easier and more receptive after each date.

 

... except the sex part, which feels 100% the same as the kisses (or better said kiss attempts) initially. But this has been the first attempt so far and first sleepover.

 

Is there a chance she's get more comfortable with this as well in time, or better simply just quit now and not waste time?

 

Why don't you just ask her how she feels about you? Sounds like she's can't give you what you want because she doesn't know how. This is a real bad situation you have there.

Woman could keep you going on and on for what suits them, and you just put keep on putting up with it. You'll never figure her out unless you confront her on it. But again all this adds up to one thing you are a matter of convenience. Is that what you want to be?

Edited December 19, 2016 by coolheadal

[mushroomlol]

Is she virgin?

[butterfly84]

I would discuss it because if she just rolled over silently it seems like she isn't going to bring it up herself though maybe she should have just talked about it right then and there. There are a lot of possibilities like someone said maybe she is a virgin. Or maybe she usually wants to wait until she has a relationship vs. dating casually. That could explain some of the texts the next day trying to solidify things more maybe? But really no one knows except her. So if you do like her a lot and feel its worth it i'd talk to her and to bring it up just be up front but make it clear that it's not 'pressure' you have to be delicate i think about how you ask about that sort of thing, like you're trying to understand what's going on to make sure things are ok vs. trying to understand because you just wanna have sex.

[basil67]

Hm not sure how to answer this.

 

This whole thing is quite new and we only met a few times so far.

 

It did progressively get better though. i.e first kisses during the first few dates were cold etc. but then it became better over time.

 

She seemed to have been not that into me physically initially but then has eased up over time. She is definitely more easy and relaxed around me now than in the beginning and this has been a clearly observable and gradual process. She got easier and more receptive after each date.

 

... except the sex part, which feels 100% the same as the kisses (or better said kiss attempts) initially. But this has been the first attempt so far and first sleepover.

 

Is there a chance she's get more comfortable with this as well in time, or better simply just quit now and not waste time?

 

I think it was a mistake to initiate sex with her.

 

I don't know how much experience you have with dating and sex, but a good rule of thumb is to hold off on initiating sex until the two of you are bursting with desire for each other. Given what you've described, she was barely enjoying kissing with you - so it's no surprise that sex was a fail.

[phineas]

DO NOT spend New Years with this woman if she doesn't sleep with you before hand.

 

you will most likely have a very crappy start to the yr if she rolls over and goes to sleep on NYE.

 

i follow that rule.

Along with V-day.

 

I've had a couple of women use me just so they weren't alone for certain holidays, not let me get anywhere after making it seem like they wanted to get with me then basically getting too "busy" to see me after.

[Methodical]

She may not be shy, but is she experienced? It's pretty odd to be half naked in bed, watching a movie, fooling around a little, and then go stone cold. I'd ask her about it.

[DumpedGuy9617]

She might just be afraid you only want sex. I would ask her about it. Nice and casual. "Hey, what happened the other night?"

[Had]

Oh boy...

 

We did have the conversation, which I will address below. First, some replies your points:

 

- she is not a virgin

- she does not want to wait and get to know people, she's actually one of the more promiscuous types (I do know her from before)

- she is not afraid of me only wanting sex

- she does have experience

 

Anyway, back to what happened:

 

So I asked her with what happened and now she finally opened up and told me that she just didn't "feel it" just yet and that I should be patient with her.

 

Basically she admitted that she wants to be with me because I'm a great guy but overall I'm not the type of guy who she has been dating before. She said she wants to date me because unlike all the previous guys I'm not a scumbag and that I can be trusted.

 

Which is kinda demotivating... she basically indirectly admitted she's not attracted to me but she only wants to be with me because I'm a "great guy".

 

She then said that I should be patient, because during the past few weeks things did improve between us, so things do get better. (which is kinda true).

 

However this still sucks... not sure how I should feel about this whole thing. I'm totally fine with taking things as slow as possible but is it really wise getting into a relationship where the other person is with you because you're a "great guy" vs. genuine attraction right from the start?

 

Quit now?

Edited December 20, 2016 by Had

[bachdude]

deleted, missed other posts. My bad

Edited December 20, 2016 by bachdude

[strawberryshortstack]

Oh boy...

 

We did have the conversation, which I will address below. First, some replies your points:

 

- she is not a virgin

- she does not want to wait and get to know people, she's actually one of the more promiscuous types (I do know her from before)

- she is not afraid of me only wanting sex

- she does have experience

 

Anyway, back to what happened:

 

So I asked her with what happened and now she finally opened up and told me that she just didn't "feel it" just yet and that I should be patient with her.

 

Basically she admitted that she wants to be with me because I'm a great guy but overall I'm not the type of guy who she has been dating before. She said she wants to date me because unlike all the previous guys I'm not a scumbag and that I can be trusted.

 

Which is kinda demotivating... she basically indirectly admitted she's not attracted to me but she only wants to be with me because I'm a "great guy".

 

She then said that I should be patient, because during the past few weeks things did improve between us, so things do get better. (which is kinda true).

 

However this still sucks... not sure how I should feel about this whole thing. I'm totally fine with taking things as slow as possible but is it really wise getting into a relationship where the other person is with you because you're a "great guy" vs. genuine attraction right from the start?

 

Quit now?

 

That's a decision you need to think long and hard about. If you decide to keep seeing her, you need to set a time limit. How long are you willing to wait for her attraction to grow? Figure that out, and if it hasn't happened by the time you set, you walk away.

[TheWhittler]

So I asked her with what happened and now she finally opened up and told me that she just didn't "feel it" just yet and that I should be patient with her.

 

Basically she admitted that she wants to be with me because I'm a great guy but overall I'm not the type of guy who she has been dating before. She said she wants to date me because unlike all the previous guys I'm not a scumbag and that I can be trusted.

 

Which is kinda demotivating... she basically indirectly admitted she's not attracted to me but she only wants to be with me because I'm a "great guy".

 

She then said that I should be patient, because during the past few weeks things did improve between us, so things do get better. (which is kinda true).

 

However this still sucks... not sure how I should feel about this whole thing. I'm totally fine with taking things as slow as possible but is it really wise getting into a relationship where the other person is with you because you're a "great guy" vs. genuine attraction right from the start?

 

Quit now?

 

See my answer a above...

 

Quit. Its not going anywhere and you will always feel second best. No one should ever feel second best in a relationship.

 

Just tell her you think its a waste of time and good luck. Tell her she is not the only one who needs sizzle and sparks and if she isn't getting that from you treating her well then you would rather go date someone who does.

 

Walk away. She may no intentionally be doing so but she is using you.

[BlackCherry]

There are only three perspectives on this I can think of (have only read the OP):

 

1) she isn't that into you. Maybe she wants to like you, but just isn't feeling the spark or passion or attraction. You can so easily tell when someone feels these things for you! I remember a guy a few years back I dated who I really really wanted to feel this for, but I just didn't. We were intimate but it often felt like friends and there was no real 'gel' between us. He picked up on it, and brought it up, I was young and stupid and thought it would grow and denied feeling the way he thought I did but ultimately he was right. We were better suited to friends.

 

2) she has some issues around sex maybe due to body issues, past abuse or something, maybe health issues with pain, something that blocks her from going further but is too heavy to share with you just yet.

 

3) she feels it's too soon. However I'm not banking on this, as even if she felt this and wanted to wait, if the attraction was there you guys would be struggling to hold back from going all the way, not easily rolling over and going to sleep.

 

Just some things to ponder. If it's like this sexually now in what should be the hottest part of your new relationship, it's unlikely to suddenly make a U-turn.

[Had]

Since the original post we did have a discussion about this and it's option 1.) from your post.

[phineas]

Oh boy...

 

We did have the conversation, which I will address below. First, some replies your points:

 

- she is not a virgin

- she does not want to wait and get to know people, she's actually one of the more promiscuous types (I do know her from before)

- she is not afraid of me only wanting sex

- she does have experience

 

Anyway, back to what happened:

 

So I asked her with what happened and now she finally opened up and told me that she just didn't "feel it" just yet and that I should be patient with her.

 

Basically she admitted that she wants to be with me because I'm a great guy but overall I'm not the type of guy who she has been dating before. She said she wants to date me because unlike all the previous guys I'm not a scumbag and that I can be trusted.

 

Which is kinda demotivating... she basically indirectly admitted she's not attracted to me but she only wants to be with me because I'm a "great guy".

 

She then said that I should be patient, because during the past few weeks things did improve between us, so things do get better. (which is kinda true).

 

However this still sucks... not sure how I should feel about this whole thing. I'm totally fine with taking things as slow as possible but is it really wise getting into a relationship where the other person is with you because you're a "great guy" vs. genuine attraction right from the start?

 

Quit now?

 

Translation - "i'm attracted to scumbags who treat me like crap and are only interested in me when they want sex"

 

yeah, i'd tell her YOU aren't feeling it and are done giving her your time and energy until you see a return on that investment.

 

and mean it.

Go NC until she is offering what you want.

 

Then tell her to come over and take it.

 

This woman is not relationship material.

she is not attracted to men who treat her well.

[Erik30]

Quit, unless you're fine with something casual. One day she'll dump you for "a great guy" who she is attracted to, or she'll fall for a scumbag again.

[Sara1989]

I done this a couple of times...eee, dated a guy who I was not physically attractive to but hoped the attraction would come, it never did.

 

I used to cringe when they kissed me, one of the guys advances for sex made my skin crawl and I ran out of there.

 

There needs to an level of attraction and if its not there after a month...I cannot see it growing, sorry but you need to cut her off as she is using you for company.

[Had]

Indeed. I feel like trash now, to be honest...

 

During the weekend when that happened I felt like complete trash... the feeling when someone doesn't want you so much they'd rather go outside right now into the freezing cold just to escape you...

 

I'm still demotivated and a bit depressed 2 days later...

 

I however also feel bad for ending it now. She basically told me yesterday (before the talk) that she has bought a present for me for Christmas and she is also working on a second part for the present, which will be hand-made.

 

I do feel like garbage now... she already has the present bought and made but the right thing would be to end it now before the holidays... :/

[smackie9]

Indeed. I feel like trash now, to be honest...

 

During the weekend when that happened I felt like complete trash... the feeling when someone doesn't want you so much they'd rather go outside right now into the freezing cold just to escape you...

 

I'm still demotivated and a bit depressed 2 days later...

 

I however also feel bad for ending it now. She basically told me yesterday (before the talk) that she has bought a present for me for Christmas and she is also working on a second part for the present, which will be hand-made.

 

I do feel like garbage now... she already has the present bought and made but the right thing would be to end it now before the holidays... :/

It was the right thing to do....she is just telling you that crap to lay the guilt on thick....don't let her manipulate you. Don't let her win, let this roll off your back and be glad you can finally move on. The holidays are just that, holidays...don't let that dictate your emotions either. Be thankful for what you do have.

[TheWhittler]

Indeed. I feel like trash now, to be honest...

 

During the weekend when that happened I felt like complete trash... the feeling when someone doesn't want you so much they'd rather go outside right now into the freezing cold just to escape you...

 

I'm still demotivated and a bit depressed 2 days later...

 

I however also feel bad for ending it now. She basically told me yesterday (before the talk) that she has bought a present for me for Christmas and she is also working on a second part for the present, which will be hand-made.

 

I do feel like garbage now... she already has the present bought and made but the right thing would be to end it now before the holidays... :/

 

Don't.

 

She may not have intended it but she was treating you like trash and now you have stood up for yourself.

 

Just because you are a good guy doesn't mean you have to be a doormat... It takes a while to get over these things so don't worry. Just keep going out and seeing your friends and all that jazz... It will get better. Never ever be anyones second best or "you'll do". It never works out in the long run.

[RecentChange]

She cant force herself to be lusty for you. You did the right thing by breaking up. The gift thing sounds like a guilt trip.

 

Who gets a second job and puts all sorts of effort into a gift for a guy they can't muster up the desire to sleep with? I call shenanigans.