Should I send my dumper ex this message after 1 month of NC? **(Updated)**

[basil67]

It didn't mean nothing to her. You will have a space in her heart forever. But what you started out with isn't what she wants now.

 

Truth is, while teenage relationships are very intense, very few go the distance. She would have grown and changed so much in the time you were together. And she will continue to grow and change a lot till she's at least about 25.

[lizardking82]

It didn't mean nothing to her. You will have a space in her heart forever. But what you started out with isn't what she wants now.

 

Truth is, while teenage relationships are very intense, very few go the distance. She would have grown and changed so much in the time you were together. And she will continue to grow and change a lot till she's at least about 25.

 

And I was not gonna have a problem with her growing and changing throughout. I was the guy who made possible she went into her handmade art career. Through my connections, I made possible interviews on TV and magazines for her to publish her art and she was ecstatic about it. When I love someone that much, I'd do anything to help them grow and flourish. I was ready to postpone my own plan for OUR plan to leave for Germany.

 

Anyways, right now she's not into it and I intend to move on although right now I am in the initial stages of it and still hurt, but it gets microscopically better everyday. As I said in the beginning of my post, when two people have a solid physical connection, spiritual connection and understanding most of the time that even other people clearly see and point out, a few disagreements can be handled and set aside for the greater good. Probably, though, she is unable to see greater good at just 19. I am not the kinda guy to just **** around with a young chick to taste her physically. If I like someone like I like her, I am willing to make you my life partner. Like, I literally invisioned long term things with this girl. However, what is outta my control will remain that way forever. I am not rushing to find another girl as this is practically the first time in my life I am spending some time practically alone. Thanks a lot for taking the time to reply, basil67.

[DumpedGuy9617]

If you want to open the door again, send her something very casual and see if she bites. Like, "hey I just watched such and such, and I remembered how you such and such. Hope you are well!" Some casual thing you guys laughed about or something. Send it at a time you know she is not busy, like a time she is not at work and probably bored. If she texts back, it's a good sign, but you need to be patient. Don't text back right away. Wait for at least a day and be like, "hey just saw this! Glad to hear you're good. I was thinking of doing such and such, want to tag along?" Gotta keep it casual and pretend nothing is up. You want her to make the first romantic move, and even then be cautious. Getting exes back if they are not interested is like friggin Inception. Gotta be perfect, they can't know your intent, and it requires moderate luck most the time. Good luck dude.

[DumpedGuy9617]

Ps - I have gotten back with two exes, both times as the dumper though. Right now, I'm trying to figure it out as the dumpee for the first time. No contact until you get your confidence back is the only chance.

[lizardking82]

This morning becomes two months of full NC with my dumper ex girl, since I wished her happy birthday. I removed her from social media, she did not react. Last week I noticed one of her two best friends removed me from social media while the other one keeps liking stuff as usual. She has not reached out in any kinda way for these two months. Was just thinkin', is it possible she was "hurt" by me taking her off on social media and feels strange about contacting me or is all this **** thoughts and she would contact me if she really wanted to? Just need some thoughts. Thanks in advance.

[DarrenB]

Whether she was 'hurt' by you removing her off some random social networking site shouldn't even be crossing your mind. Analyzing things that are completely irrelevant like that are what is keeping you from moving forward. From what you say I can already assume that you check on her and her friends often.

 

I hate to be blunt and abrupt, but I have to be honest. There's no point reassuring you on certain things and give you this false hope. What you have to acknowledge is she broke up with you, yes? and since then she has probably been moving onwards with her life without you. Personally, I don't think she would have reacted at all from you removing her off social media, in fairness she may not have even noticed.

 

I feel as though you're trying to make these scenarios in your head whilst still being partially in-denial that the relationship is over, so that you can again have this false hope that she'll return and want to reconcile. You're right in the respect that if she did want to contact you, she would. But, considering she hasn't in the past two months at all, I doubt that it would change. That's what you need to understand and except I'm afraid.

[lizardking82]

Whether she was 'hurt' by you removing her off some random social networking site shouldn't even be crossing your mind. Analyzing things that are completely irrelevant like that are what is keeping you from moving forward. From what you say I can already assume that you check on her and her friends often.

 

I hate to be blunt and abrupt, but I have to be honest. There's no point reassuring you on certain things and give you this false hope. What you have to acknowledge is she broke up with you, yes? and since then she has probably been moving onwards with her life without you. Personally, I don't think she would have reacted at all from you removing her off social media, in fairness she may not have even noticed.

 

I feel as though you're trying to make these scenarios in your head whilst still being partially in-denial that the relationship is over, so that you can again have this false hope that she'll return and want to reconcile. You're right in the respect that if she did want to contact you, she would. But, considering she hasn't in the past two months at all, I doubt that it would change. That's what you need to understand and except I'm afraid.

 

I used to check on her often until about a month ago when I removed her from my social media. She stopped liking everything of mine from that point on so she noticed, but I don't think that matters anyways, that she noticed. I don't check on her friends for sure cause I didn't before and it''s not like I am a lot interest in her friends now, but they keep liking my stuff (am a photographer, not just some dude posting selfies everyday). I am not in denial or something, it's just that I have thoughts from time to time, feelings from time to time. It has been tough and I am moving forward, but slowly.

[Hoosfoos]

The word "dilemma" implies that you are caught between two different choices, needing to make one. There is no dilemma here, you have already made the right choice by removing her. To stop yourself from wondering "why they did this or why they did that", it would have made things much simpler to remove her friends as well.

[lizardking82]

I have posted a couple more times in this thread for different reasons. Me and my ex broke up with me 3rd of October last year. It dragged on for a while since I just wasn't coming to grips to accept it and tried a couple more times to get her to try and work things out (2 year relationship), but she just kept insisting she didn't feel the same and wanted to be alone. I doubted about this guy in the beginning, but now it has faded away and she seems to be quite lonely. I took her off of social media for some peace of mind for myself and it gave quite a lot of that, but I in the last 2 months or so I have checked her Instagram a couple of times and there is one thing I have noticed: she is a girl who smiles and if I take a look at the photos of her back when we were together, I can quickly tell this female is happy and feeling a male presence in her life (aka me); now, her eyes are just kinda like wild and... her eyes don't smile anywhere except for some very rare cases and neither does she. I mean, most people fake a smile even when they don't want to, but she doesn't try, like I can tell she's not really happy because even in situations where she's supposed to be happy and the description of her pics sounds superhappy, her face and the way she looks doesn't replicate. Heck, I can remember back for her birthday in November last year, she posted a pic with a couple of friends and her friends were smiling and laughing while she, the birthday girl, looked numb... (and had 2 rings I gifted her about 3-4 months before the break up, in her fingers). It's been two months of full no contact between me and her. Today I felt this urge to contact her... but I still haven't cause I don't wanna just ruin two months of progress (and there has been some progress in me, AKA the feeling of having sex with her doesn't excite me as much as it did a month ago and the whole thing feels a bit more numb to my feelings). Hope I am not becoming a ballbreaker as I circle through this not for the first time now, but thoughts coming from here help me make up my mind when in tough doubts.

 

Maybe, just maybe, this gushing of feelings has got something to do I will have sex today with a cute girl I met a couple of weeks ago. Maybe it interwines with my yet unresolved sexual feelings I had for her?

Edited January 15, 2017 by lizardking82

[BAcK]

Don't contact her. I have myself fallen prey to such insecurities and contacted my ex gf and trust me, it has ended very badly. Once someone says he/she is done with you, believe them and let them free.

 

Contacting her will just destroy all the progress you've made so far and will also project you as a needy guy with no self esteem in her eyes.

 

She might seem to be unhappy or more specifically sad but as long as she does not approach you or tell you this herself, you are in no way liable for her happiness. She is no longer part of your life.

 

Moreover, you should not stalk her. This will only fuel your urge to contact her. The best you can do is focus on the fact that you are single and have so many options available.

[jamili]

Man, if that sadness is regret or that she misses you, that's probably good, but seriously I wouldn't contact her still. If she's feeling that way she'll need to come to that decision on her own. 2 months? Man, that's the beginning.. she needs more time to miss you. Probably way more time.

 

If you're right about your assessment of her being sad because she misses you - She's likely only just recently starting to feel the loss and the realization she might not talk to you ever again, maybe cooled off, time has given her clarity on the situation (just like it has for you I'm sure). If you pop into her life right now, I think it will push her away, or affirm the breakup. Seems counter-intuitive, but it's true. If she's misses you, good, let it continue to sink in. She'll think about the relationship more the longer you are out of the picture, and maybe then she'll reach out to you. But, honestly I wouldn't contact her if I were you, I'd let her come to you. But that's just an opinion, you know her better than any of us. But I think maintaining NC is safer. Continue to be a mystery to her. And stop checking her facebook lol you are going to drive yourself mad.

Edited January 15, 2017 by jamili

[DarrenB]

Hmm, the contradiction?

 

You said to me in your previous thread that you weren't in-denial at all, but now you have sudden urges to contact her? There's no point lying to yourself or us for that matter about how you feel. You have to be honest in order to acknowledge the situation at hand properly.

 

You're looking WAY too far into this, to the point where you analyze her appearance in her pictures and you try to give yourself false hope claiming that she's 'not happy'. That, is nothing more than an assumption from your behalf I'm afraid, and I feel as though you're anxious and fearful that she's moving on completely and you're not.

[lizardking82]

I contacted her today. Said a simple hello, she answered back a couple of hours later, said hello back and asked how I was. Told her how I was, then asked her what's up, she was short and precise about it, then asked me what was up back. I told her as well, then for a moment she was like "you told me all this to make me feel bad, but I think you would not have done this well with your stuff had we been together" and asked why I removed from social media? Told her it was for myself, for me to heal and get my head straight. Then she said it was understandable, she had already thought so herself. Further on, we talked about another couple that I thought had been a bad influence on us and the relationship and she agreed big time saying that she has thinkin' about it all the time and agreed they were probably the biggest influence on us breakin' up, but not the only one, of course. Further on, I told her I don't even know if I want her to be my girlfriend right now, then asked her to go out for a drink or sth. In the conversation she said things like "I like the way you think" and "I like you" more than once. Now, I feel almost completely relieved from any kind of doubt. She now knows I don't hate on her and took her off of social media because of my own mental health, she got to find out some things that other couple kind of installed in my mind about her and me+her and when I asked her out she said "I am gonna have to think about that" so she is the one that will let me know.

 

From now on I guess there is no point in contacting her again unless she does as that now will speak volumes about her real desires. Even if it was the case, she now knows I don't hate her or something because we just had a 3 hour convo on Whatsapp, so that is off the list as well.

[mightycpa]

... asked why I removed from social media? Told her it was for myself, for me to heal and get my head straight. Then she said it was understandable, she had already thought so herself.

You'd have done very well to follow this up with

I'm really glad you said that, because now I know that you understand why I have to hang up now, and why I'm not going to talk to you again until the day that I don't care anymore. Take good care of yourself too. Bye.

Yeah, that would have been strong!

[Sweetfish]

I contacted her today. Said a simple hello, she answered back a couple of hours later, said hello back and asked how I was. Told her how I was, then asked her what's up, she was short and precise about it, then asked me what was up back. I told her as well, then for a moment she was like "you told me all this to make me feel bad, but I think you would not have done this well with your stuff had we been together" and asked why I removed from social media? Told her it was for myself, for me to heal and get my head straight. Then she said it was understandable, she had already thought so herself. Further on, we talked about another couple that I thought had been a bad influence on us and the relationship and she agreed big time saying that she has thinkin' about it all the time and agreed they were probably the biggest influence on us breakin' up, but not the only one, of course. Further on, I told her I don't even know if I want her to be my girlfriend right now, then asked her to go out for a drink or sth. In the conversation she said things like "I like the way you think" and "I like you" more than once. Now, I feel almost completely relieved from any kind of doubt. She now knows I don't hate on her and took her off of social media because of my own mental health, she got to find out some things that other couple kind of installed in my mind about her and me+her and when I asked her out she said "I am gonna have to think about that" so she is the one that will let me know.

 

From now on I guess there is no point in contacting her again unless she does as that now will speak volumes about her real desires. Even if it was the case, she now knows I don't hate her or something because we just had a 3 hour convo on Whatsapp, so that is off the list as well.

 

 

 

Sucks you didnt listen to the advice above

[lizardking82]

Sucks you didnt listen to the advice above

 

I listened to the advice above for two months. I would not be able to be where I am right now without some of the advice given here. My heart raced while I was talkin' to her and I guess that's normal, but I had a cool feeling about the whole thing. Like, I was not scared and I set my expectations to the bare minimum. When I wrote to her, I was prepared for her not to answer back at all. She answered back, even being polite and showing interest and anything up to that was beyond my expectations. Now, I am not getting my hopes up or anything like that. I asked her to go out, she said she'll think about it and I am taking that as a no to begin with so that I don't dwell on it much. I am not adding her back on any social media or anything like that. I am taking it with a grain of salt and will keep a cool head on it.

[lizardking82]

Two weeks in, she did not reach out again for a drink or sth, meaning I guess there is no point anymore in following through. My emotions got the better of me, I ranted to her about a couple of things, we had a bit of a fight and in the end I just wished her well and I have now completely decided that it's not possible, this **** ain't happening. She said she wants to focus on herself and has got no time and I know she does quite a few things, but still, this means she's got no time for me because if someone she likes presents themselves, she will go for it. Noone needs to think two weeks whether they wanna go out for a drink with someone or not, so Imma stop her from dragging this around and Imma stop holding on to something that's apparently not there anymore. I will go on with my life and hope to find someone new that's even better and more compatible with me than she was