Discarded after a years worth of abuse. Very upset.

[Downtown]

My bruised throat he had strangled the night before aside....

Luv, welcome to the LoveShack forum. Were there other instances of physical abuse? I ask because the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between physical violence and BPD.

 

We broke up so many times I cannot even count, only to reconcile within a day or a week.

Luv, it is common for the abused partners of BPDers to attempt to leave many times. BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) -- like your relationship -- went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

[LuvMyDogMore]

Halfway into reading your reply I completely burst into tears -- "Normal people don't act like this, they just move on." And a part of me felt justified...no, vindicated.

 

The other thing you said that struck me: "I was afraid that I would be telling what happened in a way, that spun it in my favor to make it look like he was sick." That is what he always accused me of, only telling 'my side' of any given situation. And therein began the crazy cycling. He would paint scenarios in a way that I started to question if I was really there [i was] or if I was in sound mind when I made a decision/said a thing [i was]. When I was alone with friends and told them the facts as I knew them, they would say the things normal people say: are you ****ing kidding me? you do not deserve that. get out. get away. he's crazy. that is not normal.

 

But I love[d] him. So I defended him. They didn't know the really good side of him, the beautiful version I knew [i still know]. Who has to defend the hell out of someone they love more than anything? Oh, me -- in a dysfunctional relationship.

 

So thank you so much. I appreciate your words and the honor of being here.

[LuvMyDogMore]

Downtown, yes ~ physical abuse happened in volatile combinations of insane drunkeness and rage. My mom didn't raise me that way, and the first time he smacked me across the face I walked away saying "Nope."

 

He begged me back, saying he would go sober, loved me so much...I believed him. Then I was in love and then I justified anything & everything and next thing you know, this is my "norm." Bad, bad things happened with a good man, an adorable funny strong man who was a doting father of a teenager, a man who could not handle his liquor but was unwilling to go sober. Even sober, he could qualify me as a horrible woman because I said a thing or wanted to run alone.

 

So yeah, I paint my version of the picture and realize I'm codependent, I crafted my own reality, I've since extracted myself from it, and now I'm tortured by the inevitable repercussions of the decision to walk away from the person I've loved more than anyone ever. My only hope for survival in NC. Right? NC is the ticket and then I'll be cured, right? *wry smile*

[Yaknow321]

That is typically what happens Luv. We love them, so we create excuses for their behavior and think its us and maybe if we change everything will be great again! I remember thinking throughout most of the relationship that something is WRONG. I didn't know what it was, but something is. Downtown explained it. I was constantly searching for that 'middle of the road' on the scale of either smothering him with love and niceness or threatening him to leave due to his behavior and leaving him alone! I couldn't find it. I was constantly sliding between those 2 ends, hence why I couldn't do anything right! I feel a 'loss' sort of, of not having anything to work on now. But I realized yesterday, it was just an uphill battle I wont win- neither will anyone else. I think he envied me in a lot of ways - my real friendships, my big family, my self confidence and I know who I am. He was so unhappy with himself. He'd binge eat and obsess over his next meal, pig out and then feel bad about himself. He would constantly talk about food, send me pics of what he was eating..I once caught him licking his plate -like a dog! He was a mess, so when I think about I feel this loss inside of me - I don't truly I miss him personally. I knew there was a lot wrong. Sometimes, and I hate to even admit this - Id say something purposely that would piss him off, just so I can get the lovebombing/come back to me stage for a few weeks. THAT IS NOT a normal relationship! Still, I find myself thinking of him. I doubt he Is thinking of me or feeling remorse over throwing me aside because he didn't get the attention he needed. You need to keep focusing on how sick they were/are. Realize you were just addicted to the drama. And from what I've read, the next person they get with, is probably not going to be treated any better after a while. They will just keep this cycle up over and over until they're old, lonely and bitter. Lets hope

[stillafool]

The only way to get over this guy is to make it up in your mind that you will not be in contact with him anymore. This means blocking him on social media, not worrying about him and his problems, getting therapy if you have to and anything else you can think of to stay away from this guy. It isn't about him leaving you alone it is about you taking control of your own life and leaving him alone. You are the one who determines your worth, not him.

[Yaknow321]

There is absolutely no reason for me to be in contact anymore. Imagine being with a person for that long, and never actually knowing where you stand. I don't want to go back into that lose/lose situation & from what I understand is they don't change. Mine was under the impression that he made this far in life, being how he is - and that it was too late to even change. Either I dealt with it or I didn't. Believe me, as the days tick on by, I will get better. He is blocked from social media, and calling me. If he ever decides to hoover, he's going to have to knock down my door because there is no other way to get in touch with me

[LuvMyDogMore]

And once again, today I have an email from the ex trying to provoke me. Just a simple one-line email, inflammatory, accusatory -- it's like he's just tossing out bait to see if I'll take it. I ALMOST did! Then I realized I would be too embarrassed to admit doing so on this forum (already being held accountable for my actions) so I hit delete.

 

You are all correct: they do not like to be ignored. The last interaction I had with him (when he sent the picture of a girl he's dating) was a week ago. Apparently that's the amount of time it takes him to realize he's not getting a reaction, perhaps I'm not even thinking about him. That must drive him insane (I am, of course, thinking about him all the time, wondering what he's doing, who he's with, has he forgotten me yet? even though we dated 3.5 years and have only been split for about 8 weeks...but he doesn't know any of this).

 

I am so looking forward to the day I wake up and he's not the first thing I think of. I cannot wait until the day I realize I could really care less if he's dating -- that poor girl! And as small as the action was, hitting 'delete' when all I want is to hear him say how much he loves and misses me [*eye roll*], this was an accomplishment. I've taken a step in the right direction. I hope I can stay on course like the rest of you.

 

Thank you.

[AT15]

You both are doing great. Just remember each time they come back and leave again, the abuse will get worse. So, the next discard will be even worse than what you have already experienced.

 

I speak from experience. The second time I allowed myself to open to him, his mother was sick and having a life or death surgery. He was a mess, and asked me to take a 12 hour bus ride down to his hometown to be with him during the surgery. I was there with his family at the hospital for 4 days. His mother survived the surgery, I returned home, by bus (another 12 hours). Don't you know, when he returned back to our city, he ghosted me? He ghosted me! Never called to check on me. Never called to say thank you for being there for me at a moments notice. Not ONE phone call or text. I was beside myself. Come to find out he was traveling to see his Jane. His sugar momma. Not like he couldn't call me and say, "hey I'm out of town". He didn't have to tell me details. He just went about his business like I didn't exist.

 

It was so awful. And I wish the abuse stopped there, but it didn't. I was so desperate for his love, attention and affection I experienced even more pain...

 

The recovery is difficult because most of it is spent in your head, running experiences through your mind. It's an unbelievable experience. But, once you get to the other side it will be filed in the " this bat **** crazy dude I once dated" memory bank.

 

I think about some of the nonsense he did and said, and I'm so happy I'll never experience that again.

[Yaknow321]

Its a cycle. And it SUCKS! I still sort of feel tortured and I have no idea why! Lingering effects I guess, from the verbal assaults? I remember a month ago - he was working, and I was trying to have a conversation with him, and got nasty and said that I just cant ever have a short chat, I have to keep going on and on. So, I stopped talking - The very next day, I guess he sensed I was pissed - he tried to talk to me, and I was giving one word answers. He got annoyed over my short responses, and asked about it. I told him that you scolded me the day before for talking too much, and now you have a problem with me talking too little?!?! And his response "ugh, youre exhausting". REALLY!? I have no idea where these people come from, or how they can think the way they do, and have NO remorse for the stuff they do. I just cannot believe he feels bad at all. I don't think he is sitting on a forum someplace asking peoples advice on what happened. He's fine. He blamed his career for not being able to settle down, but the people he knows who does the same thing as he does, have families. Its not his career. Its his mental illness. Lets all just take one day at a time - its okay to have weak moments... or days. I believe talking about it helps a hell of a lot....

[LuvMyDogMore]

Thank you AT15...clearly you've been there, done that. Your clarity gives me hope.

[Yaknow321]

AT, I know! Its crazy - you keep running through ALL the craziness they pulled, and did. But still somehow cannot convince yourself fully that this is for the best, and to be glad someone so toxic is finally gone!!!

[LuvMyDogMore]

I found this on another thread on this forum, and have watched several of this guys' Youtube videos. I didn't even know people posted things like this -- and he's pretty good. Of the videos I watched, this one was the most poignant and I saw myself in many of the "don't do this" suggestions.

Might be worth a watch for someone, it totally triggered something in me.

[Nadine123]

Hi

 

it's me again. I came back to tell you please dont respond to him at all. My ex kept on hoovering, I fell for it, and then he discarded me again.

 

You are doing great. Trust me, there will come a day where you wondered what you were even doing with him

[Yaknow321]

Hi Nadine! Thank you. I hope you're right - I find myself late at night having these fake conversations with him about what he did, how he made me feel and how much he pushed me away. I'm not saying I didn't make any mistakes, i'm sure I did. But when a relationship isn't working out - you just break up. He would never let me break up with him. I mistook all that for love. Stupid me! That part I have to get over, and stop having fake conversations where I get closure! If he comes back, I'm pretty sure I wont get back into it. I cant imagine myself being nice to him ever again. I cant forgive and forget that easily. When he told me he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, I responded Good, you're a moody and nasty human being anyways that is not worth my time. So yeah, I don't think he'll come back.

[Frozensushi]

There was too many signs and too many WTF moments from me.

 

I had so many of those with my BPD Ex. When I would question her "WTF" words or actions, she'd get really upset and it would ruin the rest of our time together. After a while, I learned to just go with the flow (walk on eggshells) as to not set her off. Doing so, though, over time allowed her to get away with a lot of bad behavior which, in turn, caused me a lot of stress and anxiety.

 

You can't win with a BPDer. They have an uncanny gift of making you feel horrible while freeing themselves of any guilt or responsibility.

 

Now that some time has passed and my self-respect is back, looking back I can't believe I would allow myself to stay with such a horrible person. These people will never find love because it's impossible for them.

[Yaknow321]

Now that some time has passed and my self-respect is back, looking back I can't believe I would allow myself to stay with such a horrible person. These people will never find love because it's impossible for them.

 

 

I need to be where you are now. And I hope you are right about them not being able to love (other than initial infatuation) and it wasn't just I wasn't unlovable.

[AT15]

Yaknow,

 

It is heartbreaking to believe that it was all you, as if maybe you weren't this or that, he would still be in your life the way he used to be.

 

I've had a few of those thoughts today.

 

The thing is, you can't stand up for yourself with a person who suffers emotional trauma. If you do, they can't handle the criticism, my ex had many emotional meltdowns when I would mirror his bad behavior, and in the end they will leave you because they will tell themselves you're difficult and impossible to make happy.

 

So much energy I put into making him happy. Even though I was telling him that he needs professional help.

 

The second time I was hoovered, he brought up him going to therapy, quitting the use of cocaine and really improving on himself. But, soon after, I saw him sliding back into the same behavior. Seeking attention on Instagram. Those kinds things.

 

Sometimes, I think he may have loved me at one point, but just lost the love.

When you are constantly putting out little unnecessary fires within a relationship, you can't make room for positive growth. Growing closer and getting better.

 

Your energy is zapped. You want to leave but you love them so much, you just give them chance after chance. Which all the whiles chips away at your self esteem more and more. Then you get so low, you become dependent on them trying to fix it, but they just bail in the end.

 

Looking back, he has done it plenty times in the past. His girlfriend now, who he is wooing, all the while asking me to visit him, maybe the one for him, I don't know. I called him out on his behavior via and he read the message but never responded. That was a month ago.

 

Sometimes it feels like a roller coaster ride of emotions. It's confusing. But, I tell my self that this old building has been demolished, now I am working to remove the old debris. I will build something new, with someone else.

 

It's hurtful. But, we all make mistakes in judgement.

Edited December 21, 2016 by AT15

[CommittedToThis]

Welcome LuvMyDogMore,

 

I am beyond elated you've found this place. I still remember the day it hit me: "Wow. She's borderline or a narcissist, all this information out there reads like the story of our interaction."

 

I always refer to the 10 years I spent with her as an "interaction" rather than a "relationship." It's a little power move for me.

 

Wanna ride my cycle for a moment? Put on your helmet and leathers:

 

2006 We meet

2009 I have her arrested for the 1st time (threw a wine glass at my face)

2012 I have her arrested for the 2nd time (attacked my face at a party)

2015 I move 100 miles away

 

Every three years like an atomic clock, the stuff would hit the fan in a MAJOR way. Of course after the 1st 3 months when the love-bombing ended and the abuse began, we were almost always in some kind of battle or power struggle.

 

When I left her I was so down-hearted and confused, not sure who or what I was, not knowing what to do, wondering why I was freezing in a cabin in the mountains and not knowing a soul.

 

I spent a year learning about the disorder, started practicing conscious self-love exercises, and finally came to the conclusion that what she'd said to me when I left was her telling me the truth for once.

 

She said to me, waving her arm in a grand gesture at our spectacular backyard, "This is all fake. All of it. It's all completely fake."

 

So I finally did what I should have done 9.5 years ago, which is believed exactly what came out of her mouth.

 

I found immense satisfaction in learning that the interaction was EXACTLY what I needed in life. I look at it as an education, and I look at ex as an AID, an angel in disguise.

 

You see, I needed to learn to say, "Hell no!" and I needed to learn to put myself first again (I lost myself in those 10 years) and I needed to believe in myself and carry my masculinity with pride and truth and honesty.

 

Without her, I'd never have learned all this cool stuff.

 

I recently intensely dated a woman for 3 weeks, and I was getting vibes similar to ex; eventually this woman triangulated me with another man and I dumped her the next day. Then her mask slipped and she love-bombed me, then tore me down.

 

I never responded, but, damn, I felt on top of the world for seeing I needed to end it. 10 years ago I would have fallen right into her trap.

 

I have good and bad days 17+ months out; she recently Hoover'd me and I thought I could handle her, knowing what I know now, and we related OK superficially but the whole thing made me feel depressed so it's back to NC.

 

On the whole, while there are still crappy days, overall life is really wonderful. Heck, just living in a quiet house all by myself is a huge reward for what I put up with.

 

I love how the word is spreading on personality disorders; once you're onto a B or NPD, they're screwed. It's easy to just ignore them.

 

Wishing all of us the best, a nice peaceful holiday!

[Yaknow321]

AT15, That's exactly what i'm feeling. Had I done this, and that I wouldn't be here crying over the loss. (not crying, but you get the idea). Like you said I couldn't even give him any criticism - like even telling him that when he berates me it upsets me - and make me cry and not apologize for it? I just cannot imagine them having healthy relationships going forward. Like downtown said, there is no goldilocks position to deal with them to keep the peace all the time. I cant imagine him meeting someone and this irrational, aggressive, crazy behavior is just miraculously gone? He did tell me the person who he dated a year before he met me - he started getting claustrophobic and that was it. So, if that is true, then it seems to be a pattern. The new woman your ex is wooing will be cast aside in the future too- I cant believe for the life of me that we specifically were the targets of this behavior. Ive seen rage I've never seen before in my life. In my case, the emotional trauma I think was too deep - He was an accident, his parents were in their mid 60s when he was born. His brother is 30 years older than him. Lack of attention or too much of it. I'm not sure what happened, but I think their issues are too embedded for them to just stop treating another person that way.

[Nadine123]

In my case, the emotional trauma I think was too deep - He was an accident, his parents were in their mid 60s when he was born. His brother is 30 years older than him. Lack of attention or too much of it.

 

Why or whatever the reasons for his behaviour were shouldnt really concern you anymore. We have all been through horrible things in life, doesnt mean we have the right to treat people like ****.

 

You will reach a point where you really dont care at all. Trust me, four months ago I used to post here every day. There is even a thread of mine called feeling guilty lol.

 

Remember to never reply to him if he reaches out. No matter what he does or says, it is all bull****.

[Yaknow321]

Youre right Nadine,

I guess youre seeing first hand the excuses I still make for his behavior. I have no plans to take him back, the whole relationship was filled with constant anxiety and I even ended up taking something to help me sleep which has never been a problem for me.

 

 

Committed - you mentioned the words power struggle. That is exactly how it felt, it felt like a power struggle more than an actual relationship.

 

 

I feel so good that I know that if I am about to have a weak moment or a meltdown I can post on here, without anyone telling me to get over it.

 

 

Thank you all, again- Enjoy your holidays

[Yaknow321]

Update: Got an email yesterday from him. Didn't even know he had my email address. Wanted me to come over. I never responded, and this morning I got another email saying that he was out all night anyway, and that if I would have responded and said yes to come over, he wouldn't have been home. LOL. Start of a hoover?!? He's full of s*hit!

[BlkVelvet]

Update: Got an email yesterday from him. Didn't even know he had my email address. Wanted me to come over. I never responded, and this morning I got another email saying that he was out all night anyway, and that if I would have responded and said yes to come over, he wouldn't have been home. LOL. Start of a hoover?!? He's full of s*hit!

 

OMG. He is sooooo transparent. Yes. A Hoover. IGNORE.

[Nadine123]

please dont reply. just dont. he doesnt care about you, he only wants to make sure he still controls you. prove him wrong.

[Yaknow321]

Unbelievable right? He seems to live in a world of extremes! Telling me a few weeks ago, he was done - and now he wanted me to come over. I don't believe for one second he was out - He worded it, as if he was testing the waters - It said, Ill bet you wont say yes to this, but ill take a shot - youre welcome to come over here, if you want..

 

 

I feel like he's a freaking child. I said No by not responding and he's like na na I was just messing with you, I don't want you here I wasn't home anyways.

 

 

I am definitely ignoring. He is insane!!!