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Found out he was married, do I contact the wife?

ThisisIt606

By ThisisIt606
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ThisisIt606 Established Member

ThisisIt606

Posted
Posted

A month or so ago, I was talking to this guy on a dating app.He let me know he was going to be away (business trip out of the country) and would contact me when he got back. He came back and asked for my number, said he would like to call me.

 

I didn't answer the call bc I wasn't in the mood to talk to a stranger and I was just having a relaxing night at home. The call itself was very weird, and I was turned off by it. He was definitely gloating about his international travel, dropping his company names and chuckeling at "mixing business with pleasure". He kept using the word "connect". "I would like to connect with you, we discussed this over the app." It all seemed very strange, formal, and business like. ( or like he doesn't want to leave a text trail/ leave anyone a date-like sounding message as he has a WIFE as I later discovered)

 

Before I knew about his marital status, I texted back and we agreed on Saturday. He said he would let me know time/place. Saturday comes and goes and I hear nothing from him until a text at 10:30pm "sorry, got caught up with family. When works for you to reschedule?"

 

I was annoyed but not shocked as I just got a weird egotistical vibe from him.As I was actively dating diff guys I thought, sure why not just give him a try. I replied Friday would work. I hear NOTHING from him until Friday at 5pm.With a long rambling excuse of how he's sooooo busy at work.

 

In the meantime, I do a bit of fb research and find for a FACT he is married. Pics with all the same woman, people commenting "cute couple", women's fb has same last name as him, and icing on the cake... WEDDING PICTURES, with people commenting congratulations. There were also 2 kids that appeared in some pics but I'm not 100% sure they were his/the relation.

 

Anyways, I call him out on this telling him no one is that busy to not text for a week after canceling a date and "getting caught up with family". I told him i think you're married, something is definitely off. He replied something like "oh ok you think that, I"m just busy with xyz, now that you've gotten that off your chest how about a drink?"

 

Very dismissive and patronizing I thought. He went on to make a laundry list (we are talking half an iphone screen) of all things he had to do and couldn't text. He ended it with "and preparing for the holidays!" That I thought was the biggest BS.. what single man honestly has to prepare for the holidays, you just show up.

 

He got all pissy that I thought he was married and I told him I wasn't interested in him. He said that was "good to know" and "never contact me again. Delete my number and I will do the same". So I did, didn't even reply to that message and was just ready to leave it at that, thinking he was jerk.

 

Anyways, I was on a date today and I SEE THIS GUY. I ran into him bc as I was walking with my date, a woman was trying to take a pic. We didn't want to get in the way so we stopped and waited. I looked at the people she was taking a pic of and it was HIM and the kids in the pic. I also recognized the woman (who was taking the pic/his wife) from FB.

 

SHould I message her and tell her about this??? Previously I just chalked it up to good judgment on my part...trusting my gut/investigating something was off about him. But of all the times,places, and people to run into.... it kinda feels like I should now? idk... I just don't want to start a huge mess with me involved. But I also think the woman should know she's married to scum and I don't him to get away with his online dating attempts as a married man.

  • Like 1
Shanex Established Member

Shanex

Posted
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Hmm, the problem here is you have a manipulative man willing to cheat on his wife very cowardly. She deserves to be told the truth about his behavior. But I wouldn't get involved in this mess if I were you. She will find out someday. And you never know, this guy could retaliate against you in a way or another.

  • Like 1
diggershunter Member

diggershunter

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Of course you do! Why wouldn't you? Would you wanna be in that situation? How could you even debate? Tell the wife and out the guy to everyone you can. Cheaters must have consequences.

  • Like 2
thecrucible Established Member

thecrucible

Posted
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I wouldn't want to get involved as for me there's too much potential for drama and for people treating you like did the wrong thing or you were leading him on or something. But then you didn't say whether he lives nearby and I suppose if he's a sufficient distance away from you, you might do that. I don't know though if I'd want to. I mean we can't all bring the world to rights. His indiscretion is on him.

winny Established Member

winny

Posted
Posted

Create an anonymous ID on Facebook. Send a link of his dating profile to his wife. leave it at that. Don't get further involved.

  • Like 7
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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NO none of your business. You don't know their situation...it's possible they have an open marriage. Also do you want to be the one to destroy their marriage....especially when kids are involved? Don't give me that crap that it is him destroying the marriage....remember you are the one who brings it to light....do you want to be that person to change her life and those children's lives?

 

If they have marital issues and infidelity, that is up to them to discover and deal with on their own.

 

Plus, she will never believe you. He will say you are some crazy ex coworker that wants revenge or whatever lie he comes up with. I bet money on it, he is a good manipulator. if he treats her really well, she will never believe you and won't leave him.

 

It would be different if you were a close friend or family member, but you are just some stranger from a dating app.......you are wasting your time.

  • Like 4
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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You can argue all you want but whatever is going on in someones marriage is no ones business but theirs. You are not the moral police.

  • Like 1
chphan Established Member

chphan

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You can argue all you want but whatever is going on in someones marriage is no ones business but theirs. You are not the moral police.

 

You have to be very careful on how you walk that fine line. Anyone can say and use the "it's no one business" line in almost every situation to avoid conflict or getting involved. Which in turns doesn't mean it's right.

 

That's like knowing there's domestic abuse and violence going on but since the couple involve doesn't report it or say anything about it doesn't mean a person should turn the other cheek and say let them resolve it themselves as it's none of any one business.

  • Like 5
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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i say no don't tell her. you don't really know the people involved and most important to protect yourself from drama or worse. You don't want to be on the wrong side of a dateline episode.

 

count yourself lucky that you didn't waste much time or effort on this person. In an ideal world, maybe it would be nice to do the right thing and let her know but people are crazy you just never know what will happen if you get involved. Good luck

winny Established Member

winny

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If you have some hard evidence then tell her by keeping your identity secret. There is a high probability she already knows. But if you dont have any good evidence then just words wont work.

  • Like 1
HereNorThere Established Member

HereNorThere

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This is tough one. I really dislike cheaters, but I dislike snitches even more.

 

I've been put in this situation twice in the last couple years. Girl one was "dating" a married a guy before me and of course she waited until I was sprung to mention she's a former homewrecker. Girl two, yeah, she was hanging out over over here but had a boyfriend. She literally posted an "I love you" to him while she was over cheating on him. We weren't exclusive with no plans of becoming that way but she knew I don't mess with people in relationships.

 

I never trusted the first one again and the relationship fizzled out. The second got hard nexted, benched, ghosted, ditched, the moment I found out. I refuse to take part in something that hurts other people. Still, I didn't snitch them out.

 

It's your call, OP. Just remember you aren't the dating police. Crappy behavior will catch up with those people and they'll deserve it.

HereNorThere Established Member

HereNorThere

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That 'none of my business' mentality is the reason all those kids were abused FOR YEARS at Penn State and Catholic Church. All that 'he can come back and attack you' or 'you are breaking up a marriage' ... just excuses for sitting silent and doing nothing. I don't understand why would anyone defend the idea of not saying anything. It is not like it is costing this lady 10 thousand dollars. Just tell her with a few 'proof' screenshots or messages and then what the wife does with that info is her problem. But give her a chance to live her life with a decent person, rather than waste her years with a deceitful cheater. Do the right thing. Stop being the victim of politically correct police who doesn't do anything but always complain about societal problems.

 

I dislike cheaters but comparing them to serial child abusers is hyperbole.

I like seeing cheaters get their justice, but they usually always do without your help. Its just too much of a false equivalency to take seriously.

 

But if you guys want to rat out a cheater anonymously and lack the technical know how to do it, I'd probably help. I just don't want to snitch myself because it goes against my own moral code.

 

You guys should just mail glitter. Nice and legal and a constant reminder of what they did wrong. They'll be finding that that "stripper shrapnel" in their house for years.

Fruitee Established Member

Fruitee

Posted
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You two were just talking. Its none of your business. When he starts a relationship etc with another woman he will be exposed sooner or later. Just walk away. She probably suspects something anyway.

Fruitee Established Member

Fruitee

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One more thing. Dont compare child abuse and domestic violence to cheating and saying its same not to report criminal activities than not telling cheated spouse.

coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

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I am not into cheaters myself. But you have met one and and did the right thing to get away and block and delete him. He had family things to do and broken your date. Shame on him and his wife has nothing to do with you either. Do not get involved because you don't know him really either. People can cause harm to you and your life. So move on and find that other special man who's single and wants to be with you and not playing games like still be married.

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
NO none of your business. You don't know their situation...it's possible they have an open marriage. Also do you want to be the one to destroy their marriage....especially when kids are involved? Don't give me that crap that it is him destroying the marriage....remember you are the one who brings it to light....do you want to be that person to change her life and those children's lives?

 

If they have marital issues and infidelity, that is up to them to discover and deal with on their own.

 

Plus, she will never believe you. He will say you are some crazy ex coworker that wants revenge or whatever lie he comes up with. I bet money on it, he is a good manipulator. if he treats her really well, she will never believe you and won't leave him.

 

It would be different if you were a close friend or family member, but you are just some stranger from a dating app.......you are wasting your time.

 

It IS HIM destroying the marriage and probably exposing her to countless things!

 

And it's on the wife if she believes him.

 

If they have "an open marriage" then the wife will shrug it off. But why exactly would an MM keep that stuff a secret from a potential meeting? So at the VERY LEAST he's a total user.

 

It's not about being the "moral police" (like that's a horrible thing anyway) it's about informing someone at huge risk that their life is being sucked away behind their back.

 

Who exactly is being harmed and who exactly is being protected by turning a blind eye? That's something to think about.

  • Like 6
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
You can argue all you want but whatever is going on in someones marriage is no ones business but theirs. You are not the moral police.

 

Unless one of the partners is trying to get his business in everyone else's business, thus inviting others into a marriage without knowledge of the other partner.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

Chances are she won't believe you and he'll make you look like the crazy one. She has too much to lose to just believe a random stranger telling her what exactly? you spoke to him online? you didn't meet the man so you cannot accuse him of 'cheating'. He'll tell her he was bored, felt pressure in the marriage and went online to get some type of boost, she'll believe him, end of story.

 

Now, if you had been dating him in real life, if you had actually slept with him, if you had real tangible proof he is cheating it would be different, you'd be the other woman with a heavy case to show her. Not now.

  • Like 1
IfonlyIknew Established Member

IfonlyIknew

Posted
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I often ask myself "What do I have to gain if I did xyz". In your case, nothing. You're not the only girl he has done this to, it will catch up to him. As of right now you are his latest almost affair but you called him out, he will know it's you if it put a damper on his marriage, you never know someone's crazy level, I'd stay safe if I were you.

  • Like 1
startingagain15 Established Member

startingagain15

Posted
Posted

I have a similar dilemma. My BF and I caught a pair of mutual friends, each married to other people, cheating together recently. (Hello, don't rendezvous and be physical in the local fast food parking lot, idiots). BF doesn't want to get involved, but a big piece of me feels like I should tell the betrayed wife.

 

Idk, I would want to know if it was me, but also I'm not close with her, just acquaintances. So in the end I will stay out of it I guess, unless further, future instances motivate me further. So sad and such a hard place to be put in.

TheTraveler Established Member

TheTraveler

Posted
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I just don't want to start a huge mess with me involved.

 

Then why bother wasting your time? Move on

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted
You have to be very careful on how you walk that fine line. Anyone can say and use the "it's no one business" line in almost every situation to avoid conflict or getting involved. Which in turns doesn't mean it's right.

 

That's like knowing there's domestic abuse and violence going on but since the couple involve doesn't report it or say anything about it doesn't mean a person should turn the other cheek and say let them resolve it themselves as it's none of any one business.

Cheating/infedelity is not a feloney, but abuse and volence is...you are comparing apples to oranges.

HereNorThere Established Member

HereNorThere

Posted
Posted
Cheating/infedelity is not a feloney, but abuse and volence is...you are comparing apples to oranges.

 

Keep in mind this an international forum. It may not be a felony where YOU live but in other parts of the world it's punishable by death.

  • Like 3
RealGood Member

RealGood

Posted
Posted (edited)
{snip}

SHould I message her and tell her about this??? Previously I just chalked it up to good judgment on my part...trusting my gut/investigating something was off about him. But of all the times,places, and people to run into.... it kinda feels like I should now? idk... I just don't want to start a huge mess with me involved. But I also think the woman should know she's married to scum and I don't him to get away with his online dating attempts as a married man.

 

You should contact the wife. She has a right to know her husband is a cheater.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

Posted
Posted

No, don't tell the wife. She could be completely clueless to what her husband is doing and this could be a horrible shock to her. Plus, you don't want to get mixed up in some drama that really has nothing to do with you. You just happened to be there to make a connection to this person. Walk away, whatever will be will be with him and it's not your problem.

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