tolve Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 If you were considering dating a guy would the following be serious red flags? Multiple women in his dating history, meets two to three women a week from OLD does not necesarily sleep with all of them, but does sleep with one or two women a month. Normally dates women for a couple of weeks max but usual its one night stands. When he does date for a couple of weeks it is two women at the same time. He has visited strip clubs. It is not a frequent habit but he has done it in the not too distant past after drinking with friends. I'm not sure how often he has done it. This guy swears he is now ready for a serious relationship and I do know that he means me. I have made it clear that he will have to stop dating these women, delete all his OLD profiles and date me exclusively if we are to try. This is something he suggested he do before I even brought it up. I have no doubt he will do this, but does his behaviour raise major red flags for the future? I am not thrilled about these behaviors but apart from this we get along great, and have a strong bond. The other issue I have is that he has referred to me as 'long term' and 'girlfriend material'. A term I seriously hate as it suggests that he sees other women, presumably the strippers he sees in strip clubs and the women he casually sleeps with as somehow different and disposable. Am I being unfair here? And is he simply saying out loud what a lot of men think? Oh and he has had one long term relationship where he was engaged so I know he can do it. He has said he never cheated on this woman but who knows whether or not to believe him. He knows I am not impressed with his behavior so he is hardly going to tell me if he did cheat on this ex. 1
Satu Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 It would be a red flag for me. Its just too far removed from what I would consider a healthy way of relating to people. This quote expresses something of what I feel. “And so we use them for a kind of pleasure which can be called "fun." But it is not the creative kind of fun often connected with play; it is, rather, a shallow, distracting, greedy way of "having fun." And it is not by chance that it is that type of fun which can easily be commercialised, for it is dependent on calculable reactions, without passion, without risk, without love. ” ― Paul Tillich, The New Being But people are free to live how they wish, and it's not my place to judge. Let each be true to their own nature. Take care. 4
Shanex Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 It may be red flags to some, it's about what you think about that, if it makes you feel uncomfortable. It's clear in your post that you want a serious relationship, and this guy might be saying anything for a fling with you (I'll be a better man, stop visiting strip clubs and so on). I wouldn't judge either.. but if you're asking, probably it means you aren't too confident about dating him. 1
LargoLagg Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 If you were considering dating a guy would the following be serious red flags? Multiple women in his dating history, meets two to three women a week from OLD does not necesarily sleep with all of them, but does sleep with one or two women a month. Normally dates women for a couple of weeks max but usual its one night stands. When he does date for a couple of weeks it is two women at the same time. He has visited strip clubs. It is not a frequent habit but he has done it in the not too distant past after drinking with friends. I'm not sure how often he has done it. This guy swears he is now ready for a serious relationship and I do know that he means me. I have made it clear that he will have to stop dating these women, delete all his OLD profiles and date me exclusively if we are to try. This is something he suggested he do before I even brought it up. I have no doubt he will do this, but does his behaviour raise major red flags for the future? I am not thrilled about these behaviors but apart from this we get along great, and have a strong bond. The other issue I have is that he has referred to me as 'long term' and 'girlfriend material'. A term I seriously hate as it suggests that he sees other women, presumably the strippers he sees in strip clubs and the women he casually sleeps with as somehow different and disposable. Am I being unfair here? And is he simply saying out loud what a lot of men think? Oh and he has had one long term relationship where he was engaged so I know he can do it. He has said he never cheated on this woman but who knows whether or not to believe him. He knows I am not impressed with his behavior so he is hardly going to tell me if he did cheat on this ex.Hmmm... how long have you been dating? I think you should let him date you for a few months before you start making demands. In fact, if he really likes you, the other activity should die off without you saying another word.
purrrfectlyflawed Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 He sounds like a major player and womanizing cad. I would not be able to trust him. Strip clubs should be absolutely out of the question along with any dating app or keeping in touch with any of his former flings. He is promiscuous. That is a lot of women to sleep with. I would not trust him. 1
elaine567 Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 The problem you have got with a guy like this, is that he probably changes his story into something that "works", depending on the woman he is seeing at the time. Also why would he change for YOU? I now you are probably awesome , but people rarely change. So if you want a guy with his brand of lifestyle, then go straight ahead, but if are looking for husband material then you need to give this one a wide berth. 3
bachdude Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 It would be one thing if this lifestyle were from 5-10 years ago and he had left it behind a while back. But this sounds very recent. Are you sure you want to be the guinea pig? How are you going to feel when he goes out with the guys til 3am? Are you going to be ok or sitting at home a basket case because he hasn't texted in 3 hours? And, personally, I don't buy the whole"I'm changing for you" business. It's the oldest line in the book. How many romance movies have a bad boy giving up his lifestyle for a woman he loves? A lot. These kind of guys are not dumb. They know women eat this kind of stuff up. He needs more time to prove his change BEFORE he starts dating. But really, why not just find a different guy to date? 2
winny Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 I would suggest to not get involved. This is major drama in the making. 1
smackie9 Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 It's a red flag for some and maybe not for others......it's a question you should be asking yourself, and how the situation makes you feel......that will be your answer.
Mrin Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 Concerning for sure. I think it comes down to circumstances and whether this is a way of being for this guy. Has he always been like this? Or is this his death by pu**y post divorce phase? If it is the former - run. I went through a DBP phase. But the second (literally it was the second date) I met the right woman I switched over night. That was 2.5 years ago... still going strong.
SpiralOut Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 I would not feel comfortable dating a guy like that. Whether you pursue something with him or not depends on how you feel about it and how much his own lifestyle clashes with yours.
central Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 If his behaviors make you uncomfortable, don't date him. I'd give the same advice to relationship-minded men who want to date promiscuous women. Of course, sometimes these people go on to be good, faithful partners - they've lived their wild days, and move past it. Not all do settle down though - it's up to you to decide if he's sincere, whether or not you can handle knowing his past, and believe that he can be trusted.
IfonlyIknew Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 Put all of that aside, is he stable in his life? Career? Family? Does he have solid relationships with friends? If people want to change, they will. Not one of us has to be the person we were yesterday. If all of this is recent, I'd give it some time and watch his actions.
Miss Peach Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 I am around a lot of men in friendships and professionally. I am basically on of their buddies so I hear all the first. That actually sounds quite normal for a lot of them. If it were me, I would be happy he was so honest about it rather than hide it. I would ask a lot of questions and give him a safe space to open up. I would want to know the whole story but that's just me; I don't like living in a don't ask don't tell relationship. But I would take things really slowly so that I didn't become like all the other women he dated and tossed aside and would want to know the old life was disconnected before I took him seriously. What does the rest of his life look like? Outside of this does he seem to be good BF material? Why did his engagement break down?
Gaeta Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 I would not touch this man with a 6' pole UNLESS his past is well behind him in terms of time. He would have had to be out of strip clubs for a good 3-5 years and have an exemplary behavior since.
Author tolve Posted December 19, 2016 Author Posted December 19, 2016 So apart from this issue, this guy is the picture of stability. He has an good career and is progressing well, he does not have his own place but he has savings. He has a car, takes care of his dad who lives across state and even puts a little bit cash every month into his little sister's bank account so she can treat herself. His ex broke up with him and around the time he met me he was still pretty cut up over it. He swears he never cheated on her, he has not told me the reasons for their break up but I think they just grew apart. They seem to be on good terms which is a good sign I guess. I get the feeling he can be possessive in an annoying way. I think he might be worse in a relationship but not in an uncontrollable way. I think he would flare up, act jealos but then calm down. He has already flipped out a little when I have been on dates myself with other men while we've been talking about what we're going to do. I suspect this phase he is going through could just be a phase as he getting over his ex fiance but then on the other hand I have no way of knowing for sure. I guess every time he breaks up with someone he does this? Who knows. I know he's serious about me, because without going into details he has a type for serious relationships, and I fit the type completely. At the moment we are just kinda seeing where it goes, because I am really really unsure about his behaviour. I have made it clear that IF we do this, we date exclusively with sex completely off the cards for a month or so which he is totaly on board with. I just can't shake of the fear that we get it together and he just continues with getting this quick thrills from strippers and casual sex from random women. It's every guys dream right? Have a stable chick at home cooking dinner, raising the kids while you're sneaking off to have a quick **** with some chick you picked up? I am just concerned that once you have experience the rush and thrill of sex like this you will never be able to give it up for ever.
Gaeta Posted December 19, 2016 Posted December 19, 2016 I suspect this phase he is going through could just be a phase as he getting over his ex fiance but then on the other hand I have no way of knowing for sure. I guess every time he breaks up with someone he does this? Who knows. I know he's serious about me, because without going into details he has a type for serious relationships, and I fit the type completely. At the moment we are just kinda seeing where it goes, because I am really really unsure about his behavior. I have made it clear that IF we do this, we date exclusively with sex completely off the cards for a month or so which he is total on board with. I just can't shake of the fear that we get it together and he just continues with getting this quick thrills from strippers and casual sex from random women. It's every guys dream right? Have a stable chick at home cooking dinner, raising the kids while you're sneaking off to have a quick **** with some chick you picked up? I am just concerned that once you have experience the rush and thrill of sex like this you will never be able to give it up for ever. You need to see common sense here. * He is getting over his ex-fiancé. C'mon girl ! you know you don't touch a man that is getting over a split! He is on the rebound right now and you're some type of balm on his wounds. Why would any intelligent woman not understand that? * Then you go on about how he is serious about you. SORRY but my first point explains to you why he cannot be serious about you, even if he believes deep inside him he is serious about you - he is not ! You are just the shinny new thing to make him forget about his split. * Then you go on about being unsure about him right after trying to convince us he is serious about you? Are you trying to convince us or yourself that he's serious? * No it's not every guy's dream. I have had many relationships over the years, I dated plenty and NEVER once I dated a man that was into strip joints. * So in all of the men available to date WHY would you pick HIM ? There are 100s of good guys around you, why would you pick one that acts like a p&g, tell me?
Recommended Posts