Maybe I deserved it...

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So settle in for a long story childrens.. Joke, I'm only 23. But actually.. this is like some How I Met Your Mother length stuff. grab your popcorn ladies and gents, and prepare to be entertained by my stupid choices.

 

So here is my story. It will probably be a lengthy read. But I will try to be thorough and accurate... maybe a little too thorough, I previewed this and its a vomit fest of information.. my apologies.

 

It all started when this girl (my now ex-girlfriend) J added me on facebook. We had mutual friends that go to the school by where she lives (2 1/2 hours from my city). I accepted her request and asked if I knew her. She said that she saw me in her people she may know, and that she saw my pictures from my travels (grand canyon, japan, England, Madrid etc). Conversation started from there and was going well. One day she sent me a picture of the google maps from her city to mine. When I asked what that was for she said she was just looking up the distance to me. We began flirting, and eventually I decided to ask her on a date.

 

When I first asked her on a date she seemed excited and definitely interested. But she said first lets make sure it would work, and she asked me if I was a Christian. I responded yes, and we planned the date. She ended up driving the 2 ½ hours here and we got ice cream and then went to some waterfalls near by. The day before our first date however she disclosed some information to me. She said that I needed and deserved to know if we were going to start dating or if it was going to go anywhere, but that nobody else knew so she asked me not to tell anyone. She revealed to me that she was married. (First Red Flag, should have ran right then)

 

J is 19, I was 22 when we first started talking and dating. But she graduated from high school at 17 with a 4.0. Took college classes at the local college, and then her and her boyfriend decided to go in to the military, and in order to be stationed at the same base and continue the relationship they decided to get married. She told me that it was on the piece of paper, no religious aspect was performed, she never wore a ring, didn’t change her last name, that nobody knew. (I don’t even know if her parents knew, I know her parents knew of their relationship but not of the marriage, and she asked me not to tell anybody so I never brought it up) But that she had filed all the paperwork and was waiting on him to sign. She told me that both him, and her last serious relationship ended because she wasn’t willing to sleep with them (vaginal sex) and they cheated on her. Her husband was also physically abusive at one point when alcohol was involved.

 

I told her that was understandable, the fact that she was so up front before we even met made it seem to me like she was doing the right thing. Being completely honest and forthright about her situation, so I told her it was ok, but that I wanted updates. Such as when the paperwork was finalized I wanted to see it. She said absolutely, no problem. So we went on the date. Everything went amazing. We clicked instantly, there were no awkward silences, we meshed perfectly from the moment we saw each other. When the date was coming to an end she asked before we even started goodbyes when our next date was. I figured it out later that night and we planned our second date. (Our first date was Sept. 16th)

 

Moving forward we went on a few more dates, our relationship advanced very quickly. She doesn’t work outside of the National Guard (3 days a month) She has an inheritance that she is living off of and has another one when her other grandparents decide to pass it on. So basically whenever I had off work we were together. She had planned the second date, getting lunch, going to the bluffs, seeing a movie, going to riverside and taking a walk, ending with laying on the beach and watching the stars. Once again everything clicked. It was also at this point that our relationship became physical. Both of us had been cheated on before for not willing to go all the way. If I am to believe what she told me she was still technically a virgin when it came to vaginal sex, as am I. However we were both still very sexual people. It seemed like a perfect match. We both had the mindset that it was in a sense each others job to take care of one another, to please one another and to meet each others needs. It was just another level that we clicked on perfectly.

 

Dates would continue. Eventually the 26th came (of September) and I took her to a park near me with a bench by the lake and we went through a game of questions to get to know one another. We shared a lot about our pasts, about our fears, about our strengths, our life stories etc. It was that night that I asked her to be my girlfriend officially. She immediately said Of Course. By this time her parents knew about me and wanted to meet (I would eventually meet them multiple times, over lunches, at their house etc). Her grandparents knew about me as well. She had taken a picture of us together at the apple orchard on one of her dates and printed them off and we put them in frames next to our beds (Her mom took it and put it in their living room at one point before J took it back). We would write the letters to one another, she talked a future together, that we should keep them and show them to our kids someday. One her letters was just a list of things she wanted to do together. See fireworks, kiss under mistletoe, travel outside the country, get a pet, write a love song, fall in love. On and on.

 

I cannot remember the exact dates but there were many times throughout that first month from Sept. 26th and Oct. 26th that we talked and experienced so many things together. I met her parents, she met mine. I would spend nights at her house and vice versa. She would randomly ask me questions like what makes me want this relationship the most, how I thought our sex life was, etc. All of her responses were always very upbeat and positive, always asking if there was something else she could do more of or differently. The communication was so natural and real. We would cook for one another, do chores together etc. she would call her grandma for recipes and talk about me with her. I started traditions of writing letters to one another, and of saying thankful fors every night. (Ex. I’m thankful for the effort you put it, I’m thankful for the conversation we had today etc.) We talked about the role of man and woman in marriage, she would show me the kind of wedding dress she wanted one day (her volunteering not me asking). We talked about career and life style goals, parenting styles, on and on with conversations about the future. She used to send messages saying how thankful she was to have found a man of faith. That she was thankful she got to see that picture every night and be reminded of how blessed she was. That I was the greatest man she’s met and was so happy to call me hers. We were constantly uplifting and affirming one another and our commitment. She would reach out to hold my hand, touch my back, my leg, give me hugs and kisses, those looks of just pure affection and joy, that dumb smile that when I’d ask what she would just shake her head, exhale and say “You’re just amazing” Said that if I ever walked away it would destroy her during two separate conversations, that she loved that we were 100 100 on each side. We would go out and do things every day we were together, both in my city and in hers. She would post pictures of us together on her social media and made little videos of our pictures/videos that she would send to me.

 

Then on our one month anniversary everything changed. She spent the night and I went to work the next morning she was going to head home. I started her car for her as usual (it was cold outside here); once I had gotten to work I received messages on snap chat and facebook saying help her. Her phone wasn’t working and she couldn’t use her gps to get home. So I convinced her to go back inside and use my laptop to watch Netflix and see if she could figure it out. She was nervous to go back in without me but eventually she did. Then before my lunch break I got a text from her, she had figured out her phone problem and was going to head home. I sent her a thoughtful message thanking her for coming, telling her to drive safe. And she responded with “K” After getting her to open up about what was wrong she had gone through my facebook messages and found messages between me and other girls before her and I ever had our first conversation where I was flirting. None of these women I had ever been on a date with, and all except one was before her and even started talking. (talking anywhere from a month to a year before J and I's first conversation) The one exception was with a girl that I once again, never went on a date with, and the entire conversation was essentially me bragging about my relationship with J. But she didn’t see it that way. Eventually she realized that I had done nothing wrong (or gave up) and said it was something she would have to live with. But she said that some of the things that I say to her I also said to them, and that she didn’t feel special. I told her that just because I have said it before doesn’t mean its not true when I say it to her. That she is the most beautiful girl in the world to me, that she means the world to me.

 

After that conversation went down hill. She would open and even save my messages and not respond, yet she would still be active on other social media. Not making me a priority. I had asked her if she wanted to get back to normal, if we were ever going to get back to 100% and she said yes. But did not have an answer for when. I told her we both had to put in effort to make that happen. Then came a day she got back from drill. I decided I didn’t want to wait for the next day so I drove there that night, she waited up until midnight when I got there. Met me with a hug and a kiss and we went to sleep. We even slept together perfectly, wouldn’t miss a wink of sleep on either side. Spent those two days with her, still talking of the future, working out together, talking about trips etc.

 

But things were off. The sparkle in her eyes was gone when I looked in to them, but I brushed it off as just not being back to 100%. Sexually we didn’t click quite as well, the last attempt we made at physical intimacy both of us didn’t finish. (the night before we did). Which was odd, we were not lacking in the physical element, although neither of us ever pressured one another to go all the way (as we were both vaginal virgins if she is to believed) but there was even times I made her climax more than once, honestly I was clueless but she brought it up and I was dumbfounded because I somehow must have missed the second one. But this time her parents were home and just in the other room, and with things being off we just didn't click which was understandable. That night was the last time I’d see her in person. So many things were off and I didn’t know why.

 

Communication continued to go down hill. She would be opening messages and not responding not answering questions or saying anything relevant in response. Then a day came and she had deleted our relationship status off Facebook. (Should have walked away then) When I called and asked what was going on she said she didn’t know what we were, when I asked if she wanted to be with me she said she didn’t know what she wanted (Classic line...). I probably should have broken up with her then. But I didn’t. The next day I tried to convince her to see me in person. I offered to drive all the way there. But she refused, told me not to come. I went anyway. Dropped off a pineapple (her favorite Food, not just fruit) and went knowing that even if she was there I wasn’t going to make her talk to me, wasn’t going to force her. But it was a sign that even thought she didn’t know what she wanted, that I knew what I wanted. Her. She wasn’t there, but her parents were out back and they invited me in.

 

So I went in, they asked me how I was for a second time and I couldn’t lie. I told them I was only ok. I told them there was the potential for their daughter and I to break up, that I didn’t know why. They were shocked, had no idea. Gave me hugs and told me they would try and figure out what was going on. Needless to say the next day I got a message asking why I came and talked to her parents. That I had messed up, that I don’t bring anybody else in to the relationship but her. She brought up the facebook messages thing again, said she would tell her parents thats why she was ignoring me. i told her go ahead, that I'd sit down in front of her parents and admit to flirting with other women before her and I ever talked, that the once conversation I did have I bragged about our relationship.

 

She clearly wasn't over it, but I had tried everything to reassure her that I was committed to her, but I stood my ground that I didn't do anything wrong. (It was also this day that I brought up her divorce again, she said he was refusing to sign the papers, that he would jump from "Love you" to "F*** you B**" To "I'm not signing because I get the extra housing money" that she didn't want to go to them with proof of the cheating/abuse because "Is he lower than dirt to me, yes, but do I want to ruin his entire career and life because of something he did over a year ago... I don't know" She even used to recoil at his name, I would say his name just randomly for use of a fictional character or something and she would physically recoil and look at me "Really, my ex's name?")

 

Communication continued to go downhill still. I tried to facilitate conversation, tried to figure out what was going on. She wouldn’t open up about anything. Said that there was all these things that she didn’t know and wouldn’t have answers too. Then some days passed and she deleted me on Instagram. Once again I should have broken up with her. I even tried, told her that this was the end, that I loved her and would pray for her. But when I did she said that she wasn’t done with me… She would continue to open and ignore my messages. Eventually it got to the point where I started ignoring her. I wouldn’t respond to snaps or texts. But she would send me a message saying she missed me. One day I asked her what she was so afraid of and she said she was afraid of falling in love with me... but that her life was crazy and she had no idea what was happening in her future. Then came a day it looked like she was on a date… when I asked she ignored the question.

 

So once again I began ignoring her..told her to do whatever she wanted and when she figured her crap out to let me know.. the next night she called. Said she was thinking about me, that I probably hated her and that she still didn’t have all this stuff figured out. But that she couldn’t imagine her life without me, that the connection was undeniable. That she was sorry for ignoring me, for acting crazy. That she knew if she didn’t figure out all of her stuff and soon she risked losing me forever. (I told her that I couldn't be friends, that I would remove her from my life completely) That up until recently she truly had been falling in love with me. She finished when she got to her grandparents house, when I asked why she was staying there she said her parents wouldn't stop pestering her about what was going on between us so she had been staying at her grandparents place (she is very close with them)

 

The next day was a little better, she actually responded to things I would say. But then that night again it looked like she was out on another date, dinner and a painting class this time. Once again I asked… before things went south I never had a trust issue, but now she appeared on social media as single to the rest of the world, and the way she was acting. I was worried. Once again she ignored the question… Finally that Sunday (a day after the second time it looked like a date) (before thanksgiving) I got fed up. I told her I didn’t care if she was sick, that I didn’t care if she had plans… that I would be at the cold stone where we first met from 12 to 1.. that all I cared about was if she showed up, that she was playing games, that I refused to be strung along while she tested the waters, to be played with, to be ignored. That she had all this time to go painting, get dinners, get a tattoo but no time to show up and act like an adult. She said “Wow, I guess I just have to accept it, you don’t want me” I called her on it… Told her how dare she, that I’d been fighting for weeks and she’d been treating me like s***. Next day came She didn’t show up.. Messaged me 10 minutes before 1 saying she guess she’ll get ready for me to block her. I told her yes, because I have her every shot, every opportunity, that I didn’t know if it was all a lie, if there I was a rebound, or a filler, maybe she was just a coward who was too afraid to fight, too afraid to talk about her feelings, and in doing so she treated me like s***. That either was unacceptable. She said “So I’m a coward who treated you like s***.” And then I blocked her. I mailed all of the stuff she ever gave me, or that I had of her and sent it back. I sent her parents a letter telling them what happened, they were always so welcoming and supportive to me, and clearly she had been leaving them in the dark as well. So I just let them know I was ending my relationship with her, gave them my contact info if they ever needed to reach out, told them prayers would be appreciated and thanked them for their hospitality. And then I didn’t hear from her…

 

Then thanksgiving I got a text simply saying happy thanksgiving Being civil I responded thank you, happy thanksgiving to you and your family. Once again silence. Then on Wednesday (the 30th of November I believe, so 9 days after the break up) I got a text from her saying Hey, and a picture of us from our second date kissing on a bridge…. My Buddy nick sent her a message telling her to leave me alone, to get out of my life, that she had no idea what she was doing to me. She sent me another text saying “Your friends don’t need to message me, sorry I still think about you, the memories aren’t gone, just because we aren’t dating doesn’t mean we can’t talk”… I responded (I probably shouldn't have but I was angry). Telling her she was right and wrong. That just because we weren’t dating didn’t mean we can’t talk. But that a text message saying hey doesn’t cut it. I asked why she sent that picture. I said if she had anything to say that she could show up, that if she wasn’t willing to show up she didn’t want to say it bad enough, and if she wasn’t willing to show up that I didn’t want to hear it. Her only response to that was “I’ve been in Texas for a week and a half.”… when I asked why I got no response.

 

Then I typed out a very long message, I will copy and paste it below so you can read it. I know I shouldn't have sent it, I shouldn't have said anything. The whole play it cool thing, but at this point even though I wanted her to wake up, to get the slap in the face from some a hole using her, or from God, I knew it was never going to happen, so I unleashed and said everything I wanted to say but hadn't, I twisted the knife

 

"J,

 

So I'm just going to make myself clear. I only have 15 minutes so what you get is what you get at the end of it. I am not going to pretend that I am not curious as to why you are in Texas. I am not going to lie to you, I never have, and I never will. You still haunt me, I wake up every morning at 2-3 am and cannot fall asleep because every time I close my eyes I see you.. But I am not going to ask you any more questions, because trying to get an answer from you is like trying to get water from a stone. And I am no longer going to try and figure out why all this happened. Because I will think myself to death. Why what seemed like the perfect relationship turned out like this. Because I wanted the future with you.. I wanted to cook the breakfasts and the dinners, lift together, I wanted to take out the trash and you put in a new bag. I wanted to start your car on cold mornings so it was warm when you went out. I wanted to change the oil in your car and buff out the scratches. I wanted to share every pineapple I had for the rest of my life with you. I wanted the couples bible study, I wanted to hunt, to pray, to laugh, to cry, to triumph, to grow... I don't know why you sent that picture... I don't know if you are still just stringing me along... if you are still looking for attention. Or if you are coming to terms with the fact that, in my opinion, you made the biggest mistake of your life. And I say that not because I am the best guy on the planet. I am not the fastest, the strongest, the smartest, the richest... But because, I cared more for you than anybody else on this planet ever will. That's a promise.

 

And I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that still wanted to be with you. Because there is. Every time I hear a car door I hope its you. Every time I round the corner coming home I hope you are sitting there, ready to fight for this. And I would by lying if I said that if you did show up, that I wouldn't be tempted or moved to try again. But I doubt that you are willing to make the changes that I would require in order to take that second chance. And the main thing is I don't want to change you, I don't think anybody should ever try to change another person, but I believe that people can change themselves willingly for the person that they care about. I won't waste my time typing out the list here, and yes there is a list, because I have limited time, and because this might be the last contact I ever have with you. But simply put J, you would have to move heaven and earth....

 

But this I will say. This was your decision... I may have been the one to officially end things but it was a line in the sand, a last chance, a final stand to the way you had been treating me.. and you didn't show... the way you treated me could be, and by some definitely is, considered abusive. I poured my heart out day after day, and you gave nothing back. I did everything in my power to get make it work. I tried to be your rock, when everything else in your life was changing, was scary, was confusing. I always let you know right where I was... but you didn't treat me like a rock. You treated me like an anchor. When the seas got a little rough you dropped me... you dropped me in to the cold, dark abyss that was the end of our relationship. But you kept me attached. I had no idea what was going on above the surface, with only the faintest tug at my heart with the occasional snap that didn't mean anything. And I love you, I truly do, and I want you to be happy... I wish you would have been happy with me, or stayed happy with me. You were the woman of my dreams, our relationship was like I built it in a computer. But something changed, I don't know what flipped the switch in your brain. I don't know if you were afraid, if you were confused, maybe you sabotaged this out of that fear... But the way you handled it, the way you treated me, proved that you are either incapable or unwilling to have a loving, mature, biblical, respectful relationship. And I had to leave... because I couldn't stay... the strong, honest, loving, biblical, communicating J I knew disappeared and was replaced by one who was cold, avoidant, scared, among other things... The girl I fell in love with, the relationship I had built with your help, was no longer there. I don't know where it went... maybe I never will. But I spent 3 weeks, basically half of our relationship searching for it. But I told you more than once that if we ever broke up that I couldn't be a part of your life. That you couldn't be a part of mine. You knew that all along... and this you trying to talk to me, sending me those pictures, it isn't fair. And its not like I won't cherish those memories, its not like they mean nothing to me, in fact they mean the world to me, and so did you. I have to get back to work... So the texts... no go... if you want you can leave a voicemail, I will listen. Maybe someday you will show up at my door to move heaven and earth, to make the changes I would need you to make. But until that day.. if it ever comes... you need to let me go... you need to let me heal. So if this is the last time you hear from me, just know I do love you, I always will, even if I'm not always IN love with you. I will pray for you J"

 

(The changes I talked about would be finalizing the divorce, increasing communication, an apology, increased effort to resolve problems instead of shutting down.. understanding time for space to cool off but not simply ignoring or disrespecting the other person, deleting strangers from social media, agreeing to delete and block those who made inappropriate comments, messages etc in public or private forms of communication, seeking counseling simply to learn tools to effectively communicate and resolve problems in a healthy way)

 

Her only response to that was “Literally Crying” within 7 minutes of when I sent it.. I haven’t heard from her since… No texts.. No calls. No shows.. She one day did watch my snap story (a week after that last text from her) but when I realized she could still see it I blocked her, apparently I had only deleted her and her re-adding me (after that last text convo) meant she could see my story. But since then she has added over 400 people on facebook. (She adds everybody she has a mutual friend with, gets tons of requests every day, mostly from guys who see her as eye candy, gym rat types) and Instagram as well. Admittedly and not proud I still check though a back up facebook account where I don’t have her blocked. It’s stalking, I know.. but I’m searching for an answer, a picture of her and another guy… (I haven't yet today, so progress) even though it would hurt me it would be an answer.. And at one point I got access to her Instagram through a back up account. Tons of new pictures, lots of guys commenting about her looks etc. There was a guy who commented on one with heart emojis, kissy faces etc. a tattoo guy at the place she would get her ink, massive gauges and gauges in his nose too, face and neck tattoos, smoker (she hates smoking, would ream her parents any time she saw evidence they did it) She would like all of his facebook posts, said he wished he was in texas the same time she was etc. But this couldn't have been the guy she went to dinners with, the tattoos would have been there.

 

I think she is insecure and the more friends, the more likes she gets the better she feels, she doesn’t realize that they are just objectifying her, that they don’t really care about her… and it kills me. I tried every day and did every day tell her she was so beautiful, sexy, attractive, cute, how much she meant to me, that I was happy to have her, couldn’t wait to see her. (She used to do the same for me, would write me little "Im thinking of you" "I can look at another guy and not be attracted to him at all, you're all I want" "Any time I see a cute couple, think of a date idea, I think of you" Would send me pictures saying She's all mine, that she wanted to see me ASAP. on and on, you guys all know the routine... I believe its part of your job in a relationship to make your partner feel attractive, feel wanted, she used to say that she wanted to see me ASAP, that she couldn’t wait to see me. Used to call just to talk, not necessarily about anything but just to be on the phone with one another) Because she is so strong, so beautiful, that I wish she knew.. I wish she understood and acted like the only person who’s approval matters is God’s.. and I know I say that while I’m tearing myself down every day over this girl… She was not my first relationship, but the first person I have ever thought I could build a legitimate future with. She seemed so genuinely interested in the same goal.

 

And my mind runs with possibilities.. that shes out there right now with another guy or guys.. doing the things we used to do. Sending pictures for attention, doing acts for attention… That maybe her ex husband (or still husband) came home and is trying to make it work. Even though she told me she was seeking the divorce and no-contact… that maybe she’s hung up on him. That maybe I didn’t mean anything to her, after all the letters, talks of the future, meeting her parents (first boyfriend to really meet them apparently, she said that they had only met one of her boyfriends and it was for about 5 minutes), grandparents knowing about me and being invited to the family holdiays, planning a Christmas trip together etc. all the times she drove here, all the sparks in her eyes every time we looked at one another, all the laughs and the smiles, all those little moments. That it was all fake… that I didn’t mean anything. I wonder if she kept the box of stuff I sent back, if its tucked in the closet or under the bed, or if she just tossed it. She kept the pictures of us long enough to send it to me that week later. But then again its been 3 weeks since then. The pictures of us together are still on her facebook/instagram.. maybe she's just too lazy to take them down, maybe she hasn't even thought about them.

 

I wonder if maybe I wasn’t in good enough shape (I am in no way in bad shape, abs slightly visible, athlete my whole life, but I'm not ripped either). She lifts every day, likes pictures of fellow lifters when they are at the gym, or in situations where their gym life shows off their physique. But if she wanted somebody who lived in the gym she knew that wasn’t me.. so how did I pass the first few dates… She once said she likes guys with dark hair blue eyes… that’s what she is attracted too.. She said maybe that made her shallow but she is just attracted to what she's attracted to. So if she had such a check list and that kind of physique was on the list, it doesn’t make sense that I’d pass the test. We would work out together, go on runs, do abs etc. even the last day I saw her she said she would share her supplements with me. So obviously a huge part of her life and I knew that, and I had always wanted to get in even better shape but had no motivation, she motivated me, she gave me the kick in the ass, and I was seeing results (still am, although I lost 10 lbs after the break up due to loss of appetite)

 

She knew about my financial situation 2 weeks in, I didn’t want there to be any surprises… I told her my current work situation, my savings, my debt etc. she seemed fine with it. Obviously not ideal, I didn’t think it was ideal, still don’t. It bothers me to this day... I don't know what I want to do but I am a Cum Laude grad, with national competition 1st place under my belt, Oxford Distinguished Scholars term where I was given the 1 scholarship out of 8 or so selected that year, was told I would be a B student by the professor we worked with. Interned at a major radio station in the twin cities (a major market) I hope to own my own business someday. But she said that she wasn’t going to marry for money. Although it was still a factor, it always is, and I agreed. But she never brought it up, never mentioned it again. I even told her I’d get a second job and work some extra shifts to save up the money to pay my half of a trip we wanted to talk after new years. I wasn’t mooching off her, never let her buy me anything that was expensive etc. We always split commuting and dinners etc. and took turns. I didn’t know she had an inheritance and it doesn’t matter. After my second date with her we stopped at a Red Wing Shoe store I wanted to get measured.. their boots cost close to 300 dollars. She was taking notes of the style I liked, of my size. I told her she isn’t buying me a pair of boots, she said she wasn’t going to put a price tag on me. I told her 50 bucks max.. So it couldn’t be that she thought I was just in it for her money.

 

I wonder if that text and that picture was her trying to get back together… and me scolding her, me finally unloading all my thoughts shut her down… I wonder if I won or lost because she sent the last text.. she watched my story (something she said she never does because she doesn't have time, she has 180+ people on snap.. she told me one day when I said she didn't have to send me snaps she put in her story, that I would watch it. She said "Oh I don't watch stories, I don't have time for all those" yet she went and watched mine after re-adding me.. guess my story was set to public) but I poured my heart out yet again and got nothing in return. I wonder if she really did cry.. I don’t believe she was literally crying in that moment… but maybe at night, when she was alone.. when she was in bed and I wasn’t there to hold her, to comfort her when she wakes up every night to the same nightmare of the car crash, when I would pull her close to me whisper that it was all right, she'd nuzzle in as tight as possible, pull my arm around her, kiss it and drift back to sleep. I hope she cried...

 

I wonder if she thought I was too controlling. The week we first started dating she told me she was going to Palm Springs with her cousin for spring break.. I said oh that sounds like fun, and she looked at me and asked me what I thought of it. I was honest, said I wasn’t fond of the idea. That even though I trusted her completely the whole reason people go to warm places for spring break is to get drunk and hook up (something her cousin is prone to do) And that even though I trust she would reject every guy, that I would be sitting at home wondering how many guys tried to hit on and sleep with my girlfriend. That I understand she gets hit on as a beautiful woman, but I think its important to not put ourselves in situations where temptation, or a higher concentration of that behavior takes place. But that we had just started dating and that I couldn’t tell her what to do, that if she did go I wouldn’t be mad. A week later she told me that she wasn’t going to go, she said that me voicing that opinion was asking her not to go, and she wasn’t going to go against my wishes. I wonder if that played a role.. I thanked her for understanding. But now I think maybe she realizes she wants to go, that I was limiting her freedom.

 

She had mentioned to me that her thought was that when your in a relationship you don’t need contact with the opposite sex, that when she saw her male friends that she refused hugs etc. out of respect for the relationship, something I thought was a little harsh but agreed to. I see nothing wrong with giving a friend of the opposite sex a hug. There were a few times that I told her I was uncomfortable with some of the things a guy commented on her pictures, flirtatious and sexualized comments. She said he was just complimenting but as a guy it was clear to me. I told her that it was inappropriate and he should be told that. That anybody who doesn’t respect that you're in a relationship doesn’t respect you.. Once again I thought that was being reasonable, that if a woman had made the same comment on one of my pictures I know for a fact she would have brought it up (One of our mutual friends was a girl I once talked to, had a mutual interest, met once and not chemistry so stopped talking, no big deal... it bothered her that she was still my friend on facebook and wanted me to delete her. We never talked, weren't really friends so I did so because I didn't really care)

 

I told her at one point it bothered me that she added so many strangers, especially guys. People she has never met that simply add her because she is attractive, that the fact that it bothered me as her partner should matter more to her than any number of strangers she has never met or never talked to before. And I didn't say it because I was jealous I don't think (at this point I was still the one she was talking to all day long, the one she was calling just to talk, the one she was driving too and running the see when she got here) but because I saw that she found value in that meaningless number... that she was being objectified, that she had an unhealthy relationship with that self-esteem that comes from social media and I was trying to get ahead of that.

 

(Once again she was hyopcritical, one of the messages between me and a girl before her and I ever started talking was me helping give advice to somebody. She said why do their problems matter you don't know them, I don't care about strangers, they can deal with their own problems) But I never told her she couldn’t go to a party, or a concert. Never told her she could or couldn’t hang out with anybody. I trusted her. But I also wanted her to be respected by the boys and men she allowed in to her life be it in person or on social media. I have female friends that have many many facebook/instagram friends and followers. But you never see an inappropriate comment, because they foster that kind of respect and community where it won't be tolerated.

 

I wonder what she tells people.. if I’m just another one of her “crazy” exes… if she tells people the truth.. (even if its a version where she isn't such a sh**** person) She refused to go to anybody for advice on anything, I don’t know why… that’s such a bad mentality to have. She would just refuse, she wanted to handle everything on her own. Wouldn't talk to her parents, her grandparents, any body, about any thing. And I’m angry… part of me wants to just go and shake her and get her to snap out of it.. I know she’s young but she doesn’t have to be dumb.. I am both hoping and afraid that she will get burned.. that she will get used like she was by her last relationships. If I can’t be the one I want to be the one who got away. The one who listened to her.. who took care of her first.. who held her at night.. who started her car on cold mornings.. who never lied to her.. who never cheated on her.. who prayed with her.. who respected her.. who valued her..

 

I wonder if like I said earlier if I meant something, if I was just a rebound or attention to her. But then why would she pick somebody who lived so far away. Why wouldn’t she pick somebody closer? Why make it official and put us all over your facebook and Instagram. Why introduce me to your parents, invite me to your family thanksgiving, talk about marriage, kids, parenting, travel etc. Why write all the letters and create the check list of things to accomplish in our relationship. Why spend so much time driving here all those times, 5 hours round trip over and over again, why reach out to me so much in the car, in the mall, in private etc. Why make those little videos and slideshows, why wake me up in the morning by gently climbing on my back and kissing me awake., why kiss me awake in the morning and before we went to sleep. Why Why… Why.. over and over every scenario.

 

And part of me wants to go there so bad.. Wants to drive there, see her in person. Command an answer, even if it would hurt at least I would know… Wants to show up at her house and tell her to sit down, that she told me she would never quit, that I’m refusing to let her, that I’m going to help her get through all those things she said she is dealing with. That just because we were out of the honeymoon phase doesn’t mean we were out of time, or excitement, or growing to do. That we can finalize the divorce, figure out the strangers on facebook/Instagram problem with self-esteem. That letting strangers in to your life isn’t a good idea, that I wouldn’t want strangers seeing my future wedding, my kids, our home. The ones that she and I talked about together, the ones that she brought up before I ever did. That we are going to work for each other, that we will go to counseling and get the tools to open communication, rebuild trust, resolve disputes in a healthy way. That we will pray together… And I’m afraid… I’m afraid that I meant nothing… I'm afraid I’d show up and find her with another guy.. I’m afraid I’d show up and she wouldn’t talk to me, or tell me I’m not good enough, that there is another guy with her. But I don’t understand why she’d throw our relationship away… it was so genuine, so caring, respectful, uplifting, exciting.. why she would throw me away. I wonder if she was really just scared, that it was getting too real, that she runs because she can. Or if she is just a ****ty person… which is becoming my mentality more and more every day. But everything is so mixed signal. But you can’t make somebody fight for you… and you can’t fight for both of you… and I hate it… I hate that it is ruined.. regardless of the reason. At the end of the day she didn't fight, she didn't call, she didn't show up...

 

So if you made it this far, congrats... I guess I was just doing this to vent. It's been almost a full month since the official break up, I've had some serious lows, including going in to a physical shock at one point, thoughts of suicide, I have sought professional help. It kills me not knowing why.. (first time ever in my life) And I'm trying to convince myself it was her loss...(which is tough because she has everything. looks, money, endless amounts of guys at her beck and call) because I know that there will come a day I find a woman who has all of those same great qualities, but that they will be genuine, that when times get tough she will be willing to communicate, be willing to fight for the relationship, that my all in nature, my dedicated and passion won't go wasted or unnoticed. I just wish she would get here faster, and I pray that I don't mess it up when it comes.. will I make mistakes, definitely... but I hope none that cost me somebody I love

 

but I'm just so scared now of trying to guard my heart again.. I fell so in love with this girl in such a short amount of time, (granted we spent 1-3 days a week together depending on the week and my work schedule, which I know is too much but in the moment you just want to be together, so we progressed much faster than a normal relationship) But how do I balance both guarding my heart, while at the same time investing it in to another human being, it's just not my nature, in everything I do I am either 100% or half-a***** it because it doesn't really matter to me.. I don't play games, I don't do the whole I'll wait to text back so it looks like I'm busy.. like no, if I get it and I can respond I will.. when I am busy I am busy.. when I'm not I'm not going to pretend that I am.

 

And trying to find a girl that has all those qualities, christian (not just yeah I was raised this way but its important to me), driven, passionate (about anything, hobbies, career), confident, communicative (willing to talk about anything and everything, not too afraid to bring up something that might not be ideal or fun to talk about, but knows it needs to be addressed), sexual (like any time any where we take care of each other in any way possible, and in a woman that hasn't slept with every guy she's dated.. preferably a virgin, so that we can experience that together, I think it would be nice to share that special moment with somebody. yyeah yeah I'm somebody who believes that is still something special in the 21st century sue me... but I will never think less of anybody or hold it against them for not being a virgin just to be clear, and wouldn't refuse to pursue somebody simply because of that fact) in all honesty good wifey material (I know this changes for everybody but I'm talking not afraid to cook, to clean.. now before you all jump on me I in no way believe that is just the womans job, and I will definitely be helping my wife, surprising her with home cooked meals, etc. but my more traditional background is like let the guy take care of mowing the lawn, shoveling the snow, cleaning the gutters, fixing the car, etc. let me be the one doing the dirty/risky jobs so that she doesn't have to. I believe that both partners should be able to and are willing to do both in case for some reason the other person is unable to, but kind of that more old school vibe) ... like what are the odds of finding all that.

 

Ok... getting on to a whole other planet now. So just going to post this.

[DarrenB]

Blimey, condensed version is a must

 

I read as much as I could endure, and from what I analyzed I think that it all just came down to you probably being more intimately interested, and more romantically invested into her than she perhaps was with you. It also seems as if the compatibility of which you believed was there at the start, gradually depleted into nothing.

 

I think in regards to everything, the only thing you should be doing is not contacting this girl, leaving her to whatever on earth she feels is necessary to do and that you do the same. I think the relationship was exhausted and perhaps long overdue it's expiration. I don't blame you for carrying such attraction and intimacy for someone, we all have feelings and emotions.

 

I think when you're ready, whenever that may be, you should try perhaps wait a while before you become that committed with someone. Wait until you know entirely that you're both suitable for each other and that there's a genuine attraction with no random circumstances that could jeopardize that.

 

Take some time and just unwind. Let yourself rest and the rest will come naturally.

[simpl]

So settle in for a long story childrens.. Joke, I'm only 23. But actually.. this is like some How I Met Your Mother length stuff. grab your popcorn ladies and gents, and prepare to be entertained by my stupid choices.

 

So here is my story. It will probably be a lengthy read. But I will try to be thorough and accurate... maybe a little too thorough, I previewed this and its a vomit fest of information.. my apologies.

 

It all started when this girl (my now ex-girlfriend) J added me on facebook. We had mutual friends that go to the school by where she lives (2 1/2 hours from my city). I accepted her request and asked if I knew her. She said that she saw me in her people she may know, and that she saw my pictures from my travels. Things progressed from there and I asked her on a date.

 

When I first asked her on a date she seemed excited and definitely interested. But she said first lets make sure it would work, and she asked me if I was a Christian. I responded yes, and we planned the date. She ended up driving the 2 ½ hours here and we got ice cream and then went to some waterfalls near by. The day before our first date however she disclosed some information to me. She said that I needed and deserved to know if we were going to start dating or if it was going to go anywhere, but that nobody else knew so she asked me not to tell anyone. She revealed to me that she was married. (First Red Flag, should have ran right then)

 

J is 19, I was 22 when we first started talking and dating.her and her high school boyfriend decided to go in to the military, and in order to be stationed at the same base and continue the relationship they decided to get married. She told me that it was on the piece of paper, no religious aspect was performed, she never wore a ring, didn’t change her last name, that nobody knew. (I don’t even know if her parents knew, I know her parents knew of their relationship but not of the marriage, and she asked me not to tell anybody so I never brought it up) But that she had filed all the paperwork and was waiting on him to sign. She told me that both him, and her last serious relationship ended because she wasn’t willing to sleep with them (vaginal sex) and they cheated on her. Her husband was also physically abusive at one point when alcohol was involved. Since she was so upfront and honest I figured she was going about it the right way and as long as I got updates and saw the final paperwork we could progress.

 

We went on dates and clicked immediately on every level. Spiritual, Emotional, Physical. A day came I took her to a park near me with a bench by the lake and we went through a game of questions to get to know one another. We shared a lot about our pasts, about our fears, about our strengths, our life stories etc. It was that night that I asked her to be my girlfriend officially. She immediately said Of Course. By this time her parents knew about me and wanted to meet (I would eventually meet them multiple times, over lunches, at their house etc). Her grandparents knew about me as well. She had taken a picture of us together at the apple orchard on one of her dates and printed them off and we put them in frames next to our beds (Her mom took it and put it in their living room at one point before J took it back). We would write the letters to one another, she talked a future together, that we should keep them and show them to our kids someday. One of her letters was just a list of things she wanted to do together. See fireworks, kiss under mistletoe, travel outside the country, get a pet, write a love song, fall in love. On and on.

 

I cannot remember the exact dates but there were many times throughout that time frame we talked and experienced so many things together. I met her parents, she met mine. I would spend nights at her house and vice versa. The communication was so natural and real. We would cook for one another, do chores together etc. We talked about the role of man and woman in marriage, she would show me the kind of wedding dress she wanted one day (her volunteering not me asking). We talked about career and life style goals, parenting styles, on and on with conversations about the future. She used to send messages saying how thankful she was to have found a man of faith. That she was thankful she got to see that picture every night and be reminded of how blessed she was. That I was the greatest man she’s met and was so happy to call me hers. We were constantly uplifting and affirming one another and our commitment. She would reach out to hold my hand, touch my back, my leg, give me hugs and kisses, those looks of just pure affection and joy, that dumb smile that when I’d ask what she would just shake her head, exhale and say “You’re just amazing” Said that if I ever walked away it would destroy her during two separate conversations, that she loved that we were 100 100 on each side. We would go out and do things every day we were together, both in my city and in hers.

 

Then on our one month anniversary everything changed. She spent the night and I went to work the next morning she was going to head home. I started her car for her as usual (it was cold outside here) Long story short her phone wasn't working to use her gps so she went back inside. I gave her my password to my laptop so she could watch netflix and on my lunch break we would figure it out. She went through my facebook messages and found chats between me and 3-4 other girls ranging months to a year before her and ever talked where I was flirting. She said it was a red flag, that I said things to them I say to her and she didn't feel special. I didn't do anything wrong, all of them were before her.

 

After that conversation went down hill. She would open and even save my messages and not respond, yet she would still be active on other social media. Not making me a priority. I had asked her if she wanted to get back to normal, if we were ever going to get back to 100% and she said yes. But did not have an answer for when. I told her we both had to put in effort to make that happen.

 

Then came a day she got back from drill. I decided I didn’t want to wait for the next day so I drove there that night, she waited up until midnight when I got there. Met me with a hug and a kiss and we went to sleep. We even slept together perfectly, wouldn’t miss a wink of sleep on either side. Spent those two days with her, still talking of the future, working out together, talking about trips etc. But things were off. The sparkle in her eyes was gone when I looked in to them, but I brushed it off as just not being back to 100%. (It was also this day that I brought up her divorce again, she said he was refusing to sign the papers, that he would jump from "Love you" to "F*** you B**" To "I'm not signing because I get the extra housing money" that she didn't want to go to them with proof of the cheating/abuse because "Is he lower than dirt to me, yes, but do I want to ruin his entire career and life because of something he did over a year ago... I don't know" She even used to recoil at his name, I would say his name just randomly for use of a fictional character or something and she would physically recoil and look at me "Really, my ex's name?")

 

Communication continued to go down hill. She would be opening messages and not responding not answering questions or saying anything relevant in response. Then a day came and she had deleted our relationship status off Facebook. (Should have walked away then) When I called and asked what was going on she said she didn’t know what we were, when I asked if she wanted to be with me she said she didn’t know what she wanted (Classic line...). I probably should have broken up with her then. But I didn’t. The next day I tried to convince her to see me in person. I offered to drive all the way there. But she refused, told me not to come. I went anyway. Dropped off a pineapple (her favorite Food, not just fruit) and went knowing that even if she was there I wasn’t going to make her talk to me, wasn’t going to force her. But it was a sign that even thought she didn’t know what she wanted, that I knew what I wanted. Her. She wasn’t there, but her parents were out back and they invited me in.

 

So I went in, they asked me how I was for a second time and I couldn’t lie. I told them I was only ok. I told them there was the potential for their daughter and I to break up, that I didn’t know why. They were shocked, had no idea. Gave me hugs and told me they would try and figure out what was going on. Needless to say the next day I got a message asking why I came and talked to her parents. That I had messed up, that I don’t bring anybody else in to the relationship but her. She brought up the facebook messages thing again, said she would tell her parents thats why she was ignoring me. i told her go ahead, that I'd sit down in front of her parents and admit to flirting with other women before her and I ever talked, that the once conversation I did have I bragged about our relationship. She clearly wasn't over it, but I had tried everything to reassure her that I was committed to her, but I stood my ground that I didn't do anything wrong.

 

I tried to facilitate conversation, tried to figure out what was going on. She wouldn’t open up about anything. Said that there was all these things that she didn’t know and wouldn’t have answers too. Then some days passed and she deleted me on Instagram. Once again I should have broken up with her. I even tried, told her that this was the end, that I loved her and would pray for her. But when I did she said that she wasn’t done with me… She would continue to open and ignore my messages. Eventually it got to the point where I started ignoring her. I wouldn’t respond to snaps or texts. But she would send me a message saying she missed me. One day I asked her what she was so afraid of and she said she was afraid of falling in love with me... but that her life was crazy and she had no idea what was happening in her future.

 

Then came a day it looked like she was on a date.. I told her to do whatever she wanted and when she figured her crap out to let me know.. the next night she called. Said she was thinking about me, that I probably hated her and that she still didn’t have all this stuff figured out. But that she couldn’t imagine her life without me, that the connection was undeniable. That she was sorry for ignoring me, for acting crazy. That she knew if she didn’t figure out all of her stuff and soon she risked losing me forever. (I told her that I couldn't be friends, that I would remove her from my life completely) That up until recently she truly had been falling in love with me. She finished when she got to her grandparents house, when I asked why she was staying there she said her parents wouldn't stop pestering her about what was going on between us so she had been staying at her grandparents place (she is very close with them)

 

The next day was a little better, she actually responded to things I would say. But then that night again it looked like she was out on another date. Finally that Sunday (a day after the second time it looked like a date) (before thanksgiving) I got fed up. I told her I didn’t care if she was sick, that I didn’t care if she had plans… that I would be at the cold stone where we first met from 12 to 1.. that all I cared about was if she showed up, that she was playing games, that I refused to be strung along while she tested the waters, to be played with, to be ignored. That she had all this time to go painting, get dinners, get a tattoo but no time to show up and act like an adult. She said “Wow, I guess I just have to accept it, you don’t want me” I called her on it… Told her how dare she, that I’d been fighting for weeks and she’d been treating me like s***. Next day came She didn’t show up.. Messaged me 10 minutes before 1 saying she guess she’ll get ready for me to block her. I told her yes, because I have her every shot, every opportunity, that I didn’t know if it was all a lie, if there I was a rebound, or a filler, maybe she was just a coward who was too afraid to fight, too afraid to talk about her feelings, and in doing so she treated me like s***. That either was unacceptable. She said “So I’m a coward who treated you like s***.”

 

And then I blocked her. I mailed all of the stuff she ever gave me, or that I had of her and sent it back. I sent her parents a letter telling them what happened, they were always so welcoming and supportive to me, and clearly she had been leaving them in the dark as well. So I just let them know I was ending my relationship with her, gave them my contact info if they ever needed to reach out, told them prayers would be appreciated and thanked them for their hospitality. And then I didn’t hear from her…

 

Then thanksgiving I got a text simply saying happy thanksgiving Being civil I responded thank you, happy thanksgiving to you and your family. Once again silence. Then on Wednesday (the 30th of November I believe, so 9 days after the break up) I got a text from her saying Hey, and a picture of us from our second date kissing on a bridge….

 

My Buddy nick sent her a message telling her to leave me alone, to get out of my life, that she had no idea what she was doing to me. She sent me another text saying “Your friends don’t need to message me, sorry I still think about you, the memories aren’t gone, just because we aren’t dating doesn’t mean we can’t talk”…

 

I responded (I probably shouldn't have but I was angry). Telling her she was right and wrong. That just because we weren’t dating didn’t mean we can’t talk. But that a text message saying hey doesn’t cut it. I asked why she sent that picture. I said if she had anything to say that she could show up, that if she wasn’t willing to show up she didn’t want to say it bad enough, and if she wasn’t willing to show up that I didn’t want to hear it. Her only response to that was “I’ve been in Texas for a week and a half.”… when I asked why I got no response.

 

Then I typed out a very long message, I will copy and paste it below so you can read it. I know I shouldn't have sent it, I shouldn't have said anything. The whole play it cool thing, but at this point even though I wanted her to wake up., I knew it was never going to happen, so I unleashed and said everything I wanted to say but hadn't, I twisted the knife

 

"J,

 

So I'm just going to make myself clear. I only have 15 minutes so what you get is what you get at the end of it. I am not going to pretend that I am not curious as to why you are in Texas. I am not going to lie to you, I never have, and I never will. You still haunt me, I wake up every morning at 2-3 am and cannot fall asleep because every time I close my eyes I see you.. But I am not going to ask you any more questions, because trying to get an answer from you is like trying to get water from a stone. And I am no longer going to try and figure out why all this happened. Because I will think myself to death. Why what seemed like the perfect relationship turned out like this. Because I wanted the future with you.. I wanted to cook the breakfasts and the dinners, lift together, I wanted to take out the trash and you put in a new bag. I wanted to start your car on cold mornings so it was warm when you went out. I wanted to change the oil in your car and buff out the scratches. I wanted to share every pineapple I had for the rest of my life with you. I wanted the couples bible study, I wanted to hunt, to pray, to laugh, to cry, to triumph, to grow... I don't know why you sent that picture... I don't know if you are still just stringing me along... if you are still looking for attention. Or if you are coming to terms with the fact that, in my opinion, you made the biggest mistake of your life. And I say that not because I am the best guy on the planet. I am not the fastest, the strongest, the smartest, the richest... But because, I cared more for you than anybody else on this planet ever will. That's a promise.

 

And I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that still wanted to be with you. Because there is. Every time I hear a car door I hope its you. Every time I round the corner coming home I hope you are sitting there, ready to fight for this. And I would by lying if I said that if you did show up, that I wouldn't be tempted or moved to try again. But I doubt that you are willing to make the changes that I would require in order to take that second chance. And the main thing is I don't want to change you, I don't think anybody should ever try to change another person, but I believe that people can change themselves willingly for the person that they care about. I won't waste my time typing out the list here, and yes there is a list, because I have limited time, and because this might be the last contact I ever have with you. But simply put J, you would have to move heaven and earth....

 

But this I will say. This was your decision... I may have been the one to officially end things but it was a line in the sand, a last chance, a final stand to the way you had been treating me.. and you didn't show... the way you treated me could be, and by some definitely is, considered abusive. I poured my heart out day after day, and you gave nothing back. I did everything in my power to get make it work. I tried to be your rock, when everything else in your life was changing, was scary, was confusing. I always let you know right where I was... but you didn't treat me like a rock. You treated me like an anchor. When the seas got a little rough you dropped me... you dropped me in to the cold, dark abyss that was the end of our relationship. But you kept me attached. I had no idea what was going on above the surface, with only the faintest tug at my heart with the occasional snap that didn't mean anything. And I love you, I truly do, and I want you to be happy... I wish you would have been happy with me, or stayed happy with me. You were the woman of my dreams, our relationship was like I built it in a computer. But something changed, I don't know what flipped the switch in your brain. I don't know if you were afraid, if you were confused, maybe you sabotaged this out of that fear... But the way you handled it, the way you treated me, proved that you are either incapable or unwilling to have a loving, mature, biblical, respectful relationship. And I had to leave... because I couldn't stay... the strong, honest, loving, biblical, communicating J I knew disappeared and was replaced by one who was cold, avoidant, scared, among other things... The girl I fell in love with, the relationship I had built with your help, was no longer there. I don't know where it went... maybe I never will. But I spent 3 weeks, basically half of our relationship searching for it. But I told you more than once that if we ever broke up that I couldn't be a part of your life. That you couldn't be a part of mine. You knew that all along... and this you trying to talk to me, sending me those pictures, it isn't fair. And its not like I won't cherish those memories, its not like they mean nothing to me, in fact they mean the world to me, and so did you. I have to get back to work... So the texts... no go... if you want you can leave a voicemail, I will listen. Maybe someday you will show up at my door to move heaven and earth, to make the changes I would need you to make. But until that day.. if it ever comes... you need to let me go... you need to let me heal. So if this is the last time you hear from me, just know I do love you, I always will, even if I'm not always IN love with you. I will pray for you J"

 

 

Her only response to that was “Literally Crying” within 7 minutes of when I sent it.. I haven’t heard from her since… No texts.. No calls. No shows.. She one day did watch my snap story (a week after that last text from her) but when I realized she could still see it I blocked her, apparently I had only deleted her and her re-adding me (after that last text convo) meant she could see my story.

 

 

I checked back on her social media.. I try to resist, blocking her on everything etc. Even deleted her phone number, all the pictures etc. And at one point I got access to her Instagram through a back up account. Tons of new pictures, lots of guys commenting about her looks etc. There was a guy who commented on one with heart emojis, kissy faces etc. a tattoo guy at the place she would get her ink, massive gauges and gauges in his nose too, face and neck tattoos, smoker (she hates smoking, would ream her parents any time she saw evidence they did it) She would like all of his facebook posts, said he wished he was in texas the same time she was etc. But this couldn't have been the guy she went to dinners with, the tattoos would have been there.

 

I think she is insecure and the more friends, the more likes she gets the better she feels, she doesn’t realize that they are just objectifying her, that they don’t really care about her… and it kills me. I tried every day and did every day tell her she was so beautiful, sexy, attractive, cute, how much she meant to me, that I was happy to have her, couldn’t wait to see her. (She used to do the same for me, would write me little "Im thinking of you" "I can look at another guy and not be attracted to him at all, you're all I want" "Any time I see a cute couple, think of a date idea, I think of you" Would send me pictures saying She's all mine, that she wanted to see me ASAP. on and on, you guys all know the routine... I believe its part of your job in a relationship to make your partner feel attractive, feel wanted, she used to say that she wanted to see me ASAP, that she couldn’t wait to see me. Used to call just to talk, not necessarily about anything but just to be on the phone with one another) Because she is so strong, so beautiful, that I wish she knew.. I wish she understood and acted like the only person who’s approval matters is God’s.. and I know I say that while I’m tearing myself down every day over this girl… She was not my first relationship, but the first person I have ever thought I could build a legitimate future with. She seemed so genuinely interested in the same goal.

 

And my mind runs with possibilities.. that shes out there right now with another guy or guys.. doing the things we used to do. Sending pictures for attention, doing acts for attention… That maybe her ex husband (or still husband) came home and is trying to make it work. Even though she told me she was seeking the divorce and no-contact… that maybe she’s hung up on him. That maybe I didn’t mean anything to her, after all the letters, talks of the future, meeting her parents (first boyfriend to really meet them apparently, she said that they had only met one of her boyfriends and it was for about 5 minutes), grandparents knowing about me and being invited to the family holidays, planning a Christmas trip together etc. all the times she drove here, all the sparks in her eyes every time we looked at one another, all the laughs and the smiles, all those little moments. That it was all fake… that I didn’t mean anything. I wonder if she kept the box of stuff I sent back, if its tucked in the closet or under the bed, or if she just tossed it. She kept the pictures of us long enough to send it to me that week later. But then again its been 3 weeks since then. The pictures of us together are still on her facebook/instagram.. maybe she's just too lazy to take them down, maybe she hasn't even thought about them.

 

I wonder if maybe I wasn’t in good enough shape (I am in no way in bad shape, abs slightly visible, athlete my whole life, but I'm not ripped either). She lifts every day, likes pictures of fellow lifters when they are at the gym, or in situations where their gym life shows off their physique. But if she wanted somebody who lived in the gym she knew that wasn’t me.. so how did I pass the first few dates… She once said she likes guys with dark hair blue eyes… that’s what she is attracted too.. She said maybe that made her shallow but she is just attracted to what she's attracted to. So if she had such a check list and that kind of physique was on the list, it doesn’t make sense that I’d pass the test. We would work out together, go on runs, do abs etc. even the last day I saw her she said she would share her supplements with me. So obviously a huge part of her life and I knew that, and I had always wanted to get in even better shape but had no motivation, she motivated me, she gave me the kick in the ass, and I was seeing results (still am, although I lost 10 lbs after the break up due to loss of appetite)

 

She knew about my financial situation 2 weeks in, I didn’t want there to be any surprises… I told her my current work situation, my savings, my debt etc. she seemed fine with it. Obviously not ideal, I didn’t think it was ideal, still don’t. It bothers me to this day... I don't know what I want to do but I am a Cum Laude grad, with national competition 1st place under my belt, Oxford Distinguished Scholars term where I was given the 1 scholarship out of 8 or so selected that year, was told I would be a B student by the professor we worked with. Interned at a major radio station in the twin cities (a major market) I hope to own my own business someday. But she said that she wasn’t going to marry for money. Although it was still a factor, it always is, and I agreed. But she never brought it up, never mentioned it again. I even told her I’d get a second job and work some extra shifts to save up the money to pay my half of a trip we wanted to talk after new years. I wasn’t mooching off her, never let her buy me anything that was expensive etc. We always split commuting and dinners etc. and took turns. I didn’t know she had an inheritance and it doesn’t matter. After my second date with her we stopped at a Red Wing Shoe store I wanted to get measured.. their boots cost close to 300 dollars. She was taking notes of the style I liked, of my size. I told her she isn’t buying me a pair of boots, she said she wasn’t going to put a price tag on me. I told her 50 bucks max.. So it couldn’t be that she thought I was just in it for her money.

 

I wonder if that text and that picture was her trying to get back together… and me scolding her, me finally unloading all my thoughts shut her down… I wonder if I won or lost because she sent the last text.. she watched my story (something she said she never does because she doesn't have time, she has 180+ people on snap.. she told me one day when I said she didn't have to send me snaps she put in her story, that I would watch it. She said "Oh I don't watch stories, I don't have time for all those" yet she went and watched mine after re-adding me.. guess my story was set to public) but I poured my heart out yet again and got nothing in return. I wonder if she really did cry.. I don’t believe she was literally crying in that moment… but maybe at night, when she was alone.. when she was in bed and I wasn’t there to hold her, to comfort her when she wakes up every night to the same nightmare of the car crash, when I would pull her close to me whisper that it was all right, she'd nuzzle in as tight as possible, pull my arm around her, kiss it and drift back to sleep. I hope she cried...

 

I wonder if she thought I was too controlling. The week we first started dating she told me she was going to Palm Springs with her cousin for spring break.. I said oh that sounds like fun, and she looked at me and asked me what I thought of it. I was honest, said I wasn’t fond of the idea. That even though I trusted her completely the whole reason people go to warm places for spring break is to get drunk and hook up (something her cousin is prone to do) And that even though I trust she would reject every guy, that I would be sitting at home wondering how many guys tried to hit on and sleep with my girlfriend. That I understand she gets hit on as a beautiful woman, but I think its important to not put ourselves in situations where temptation, or a higher concentration of that behavior takes place. But that we had just started dating and that I couldn’t tell her what to do, that if she did go I wouldn’t be mad. A week later she told me that she wasn’t going to go, she said that me voicing that opinion was asking her not to go, and she wasn’t going to go against my wishes. I wonder if that played a role.. I thanked her for understanding. But now I think maybe she realizes she wants to go, that I was limiting her freedom.

 

She had mentioned to me that her thought was that when your in a relationship you don’t need contact with the opposite sex, that when she saw her male friends that she refused hugs etc. out of respect for the relationship, something I thought was a little harsh but agreed to. I see nothing wrong with giving a friend of the opposite sex a hug. There were a few times that I told her I was uncomfortable with some of the things a guy commented on her pictures, flirtatious and sexualized comments. She said he was just complimenting but as a guy it was clear to me. I told her that it was inappropriate and he should be told that. That anybody who doesn’t respect that you're in a relationship doesn’t respect you.. Once again I thought that was being reasonable, that if a woman had made the same comment on one of my pictures I know for a fact she would have brought it up (One of our mutual friends was a girl I once talked to, had a mutual interest, met once and not chemistry so stopped talking, no big deal... it bothered her that she was still my friend on facebook and wanted me to delete her. We never talked, weren't really friends so I did so because I didn't really care)

 

I told her at one point it bothered me that she added so many strangers, especially guys. People she has never met that simply add her because she is attractive, that the fact that it bothered me as her partner should matter more to her than any number of strangers she has never met or never talked to before. And I didn't say it because I was jealous I don't think (at this point I was still the one she was talking to all day long, the one she was calling just to talk, the one she was driving too and running the see when she got here) but because I saw that she found value in that meaningless number... that she was being objectified, that she had an unhealthy relationship with that self-esteem that comes from social media and I was trying to get ahead of that.

 

 

I wonder what she tells people.. if I’m just another one of her “crazy” exes… if she tells people the truth.. (even if its a version where she isn't such a sh**** person) She refused to go to anybody for advice on anything, I don’t know why… that’s such a bad mentality to have. She would just refuse, she wanted to handle everything on her own. Wouldn't talk to her parents, her grandparents, any body, about any thing.

 

And I’m angry… part of me wants to just go and shake her and get her to snap out of it.. I know she’s young but she doesn’t have to be dumb.. I am both hoping and afraid that she will get burned.. that she will get used like she was by her last relationships. If I can’t be the one I want to be the one who got away. The one who listened to her.. who took care of her first.. who held her at night.. who started her car on cold mornings.. who never lied to her.. who never cheated on her.. who prayed with her.. who respected her.. who valued her..

 

I wonder if like I said earlier if I meant something, if I was just a rebound or attention to her. But then why would she pick somebody who lived so far away. Why wouldn’t she pick somebody closer? Why make it official and put us all over your facebook and Instagram. Why introduce me to your parents, invite me to your family thanksgiving, talk about marriage, kids, parenting, travel etc. Why write all the letters and create the check list of things to accomplish in our relationship. Why spend so much time driving here all those times, 5 hours round trip over and over again, why reach out to me so much in the car, in the mall, in private etc.

 

And part of me wants to go there so bad.. Wants to drive there, see her in person. Command an answer, even if it would hurt at least I would know… And I’m afraid… I’m afraid that I meant nothing… I'm afraid I’d show up and find her with another guy.. I’m afraid I’d show up and she wouldn’t talk to me, or tell me I’m not good enough. But I don’t understand why she’d throw our relationship away… it was so genuine, so caring, respectful, uplifting, exciting.. why she would throw me away. I wonder if she was really just scared, that it was getting too real, that she runs because she can. Or if she is just a ****ty person… which is becoming my mentality more and more every day. But everything is so mixed signal. But you can’t make somebody fight for you… and you can’t fight for both of you… and I hate it… I hate that it is ruined.. regardless of the reason. At the end of the day she didn't fight, she didn't call, she didn't show up...

[simpl]

Ok, clearly even after that attempt I can't condense this enough at this time with all the thoughts running through my head. Sorry to those that have clicked. Thanks to those who responded.

[simpl]

Blimey, condensed version is a must

 

I read as much as I could endure, and from what I analyzed I think that it all just came down to you probably being more intimately interested, and more romantically invested into her than she perhaps was with you. It also seems as if the compatibility of which you believed was there at the start, gradually depleted into nothing.

 

I think in regards to everything, the only thing you should be doing is not contacting this girl, leaving her to whatever on earth she feels is necessary to do and that you do the same. I think the relationship was exhausted and perhaps long overdue it's expiration. I don't blame you for carrying such attraction and intimacy for someone, we all have feelings and emotions.

 

I think when you're ready, whenever that may be, you should try perhaps wait a while before you become that committed with someone. Wait until you know entirely that you're both suitable for each other and that there's a genuine attraction with no random circumstances that could jeopardize that.

 

Take some time and just unwind. Let yourself rest and the rest will come naturally.

I agree... I guess I didn't realize how long it really was. I just started typing, looking back there is definitely a lot of non-essential info but when I tried to edit it, it says I can't any more. I have contacted them to see if there is a way for me to fix (edit and condense) it or if they can take it down even though I know that's not policy.

[whatdeww18]

Sorry, your post, even in the condensed version, IS JUST TOO LONG....

You put too much detail into everything. I will just ask the more important details that I couldn't really find.

So pretty much, she broke up with you and didn't really say why and stuff?

How long were you two officially together? Seems like one month?

 

Honestly, go no contact. You sent your message. Stop analyzing. Figure yourself out and heal from all this. Sometimes relationships go sour. It seems like you may have gotten clingy when she started pulling back. Figure out what went wrong and fix them for yourself. Not in hopes of fixing them and going back into the relationship. Too soon. Stay in no contact, do not respond to bread crumbs. She will not forget you.

 

Focus on yourself in this tough time. Find your interests, make some goals, go exercise, and realize it's okay to be sad at times. But make sure you are the best version of you. That way, if she does ever contact you for a reconciliation, which may not happen at all, YOU are in the right mind set to tackle it.

 

Best of luck,

-WhatDEWWWWW