Struggling with wife's generosity to others

[WorriedOne]

My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have a 4yo daughter. Since we have been married, my wife has been increasingly generous with her time (our time) in the support of others and refuses to provide even a courtesy heads-up to me before offering to do these things. Two quick examples from the past 2 weekends:

 

1. My wife volunteered to host her co-workers (45+ people) Christmas party at our house this weekend without talking to me first. Our entire weekend has been consumed with preparation.

 

2. My wife regularly offers to babysit her brother's daughter, often overnight, without talking to me first. This favor has never been returned by my brother-in-law to watch my daughter; my wife says she would never ask him to do it as she would worry about push-back from him. The same applies to her mother whom often babysits this same niece but has never, once, offered to babysit our daughter. On many occasions when my mother-in-law watches my niece she "needs help" from my wife.

 

When I express my frustration about these things with my wife she immediately resorts to two responses:

 

a) "I am anti-social and we have nothing else better to do, so why not?" My response is that I am not even close to being anti-social (I work in sales!) and that since we both have big families and full-time jobs, our time together is precious to me.

 

b) "Why do I need to ask your permission? If I told you about these things in advance you would just say no". My response is that I won't necessarily say no, I just feel like I deserve the opportunity to provide input.

 

QUESTION: Am I just being a miserable, petty a-hole? I honest-to-God do NOT want to control my wife or tell her what to do with her free time, but I just feel like we barely spend any time together as it is (she works weekends and up until 7pm during the week) and for her to circumvent me with how we plan our free time is disrespectful. She is extremely sensitive and gets so mad when I try to address these things it will literally result in her being mad at me for days, no matter how delicately I try to present my feelings. It's a lose-lose situation for me.

Edited December 18, 2016 by WorriedOne

[road]

She goes on the offense against you as her defense. Your request to be asked first is normal. To expect to be asked first all the time is unrealistic because sometimes there will be an exception to the rule that has to be made.

 

 

There is no defense for your wife's behavior. All you can do is to let her stay home while you go out to do some form of hobby or recreational activity. For you both work long hours. So let her spend hers babysitting.

[mikeylo]

She could be deliberately trying to not spend time with you. Have you thought about that ? What could be the reason ? She might have brought it up in the past and you dismissed or she hasn't told you. Either way, you need to get to the bottom of it.

[WorriedOne]

Road - I totally agree, I don't expect to be told in advance every single time as that's not practical. I'm not a controlling creep.

 

Mikeylo - I suppose that is possible. But in most of those cases she is doing stuff with me and not without me.

[Brieanna]

b) "Why do I need to ask your permission? If I told you about these things in advance you would just say no". My response is that I won't necessarily say no, I just feel like I deserve the opportunity to provide input.

 

So she admits to intentionally disrespecting and hijacking your time.

 

Our entire weekend has been consumed with preparation.

So she hijacks your time, and you participate in the hijack. You are incentivizing her to behave this way.

 

Why should she respect your time or input into your own desires on how to spend your time?

She benefits via payoff... You participate in what she designed.

 

You want to change this...

Start respecting your own time.

Stop allowing her to reap the benefits of her behavior.

 

I honest-to-God do NOT want to control my wife or tell her what to do with her free time, ....

Sure, cause you respect her?

Yet allow less for yourself?

 

Or maybe you are a guy and therefore trying to be overly politically correct to the point of actually enabling her to not respect you? Idk about that but thought I'd throw it out anyway.

 

........

 

IMO, I would set a boundary on my SO hyjacking my time.

Next time it was tried...

"Sounds like helping out for the Christmas Party is important to you dear. I had plans to [insert something] (go fishing, relax in bed all day being a bum, visit my sister, etc) so will be doing that this weekend, as planned. I'll be sure to stay out of your way though so you can do what is important to you."

 

Yet, it sounds snarky, I would polish it up I hope.

Edited December 18, 2016 by Brieanna

[mikeylo]

She is avoiding alone time with you. Look into it.

[carhill]

Souring the milk. Know it well. If you want to play chess with a master, you have my best wishes.

 

Long ago, though he didn't give me much else on the woman front, dad shared with me that once the accounting begins with bullet point lists like in your OP, the marriage begins to end. He was married for life to my mother so I took that in and watch for it in all relationships, in myself.

 

Sounds like you live a fast-paced, high pressure lifestyle. Some folks like that. It does have costs though. Everything we do in life is a choice, save for that one finality. Examine your choices and the results. New year's resolutions and all that.

[Alamo657]

When I express my frustration about these things with my wife she immediately resorts to two responses:

 

a) "I am anti-social and we have nothing else better to do, so why not?" My response is that I am not even close to being anti-social (I work in sales!) and that since we both have big families and full-time jobs, our time together is precious to me.

 

b) "Why do I need to ask your permission? If I told you about these things in advance you would just say no". My response is that I won't necessarily say no, I just feel like I deserve the opportunity to provide input.

 

She is extremely sensitive and gets so mad when I try to address these things it will literally result in her being mad at me for days, no matter how delicately I try to present my feelings. It's a lose-lose situation for me.

 

She openly despise and criticize your character ("you're antisocial"), wether its true or not.

 

The marital house, is basically HER house and you don't get to say that you want quiet time in your own home.

 

So basically, your wife isn't in love with you anymore, and you've been relegated to being a doormat.

 

All the name calling and accusations are only there to hide deeper problems : her selfishness, lack of empathy and respect toward you, and ultimately, that your marriage is , emotionally at least, over.

[Noirek]

I would never ask my husband's permission to babysit anyone's kids as I would be doing all the work if I was the one that offered. I think perhpas the babysitting issue is more to do with you feeling it is a onse sides favour and in this particular case you are taking offense over not her actions but your BIL and MIL. An exact amount of days in the last couple of months (including length of time for each stay) would give a better picture.

But, I would definetly make sure my husband was on onboard with inviting 45+ coworkers into our home for an evening. "Our home" being a kep componant to this. Thats a lot of work and people in a home.

 

What are some other examples?

[Lady2163]

As far as family is concerned, this is her normal and her role in the family.

 

I'd try to explain to her how since you live under the same roof, these things impact YOUR life. I bought a new house a while ago. I've been busy unpacking and fixing some glitches. It is the nicest house in my family of 14. I specifically said no to hosting Christmas and was then told I was hosting Christmas after two other family members got together and "decided" it. I refused and said, "call me crazy, but I should get to decide what happens in my own house."

 

Now as for scheduling things. When I was married, a friend would call me on Monday and ask if I wanted to go do, XYZ. I'd stop right there and say to husband, "are we doing anything Saturday?" The answer was always no, so I'd make plans to go shopping. Saturday morning rolls around and husband would casually suggest going to a movie or doing something. Then he'd pout or throw a temper tantrum because I had plans and wouldn't cancel.

 

Don't be one of those.

 

Also, if either one of you is volunteering for any kind of service organization or community service group or even church leadership those can become invasive and detrimental to family life. It doesn't look THAT good on a resume!

 

It sounds like your wife could need constant positive feedback and constant attention from all facets of her life.

 

If talking to her about it doesn't help, then I'd try the micromanaging your schedules. If she blows you off for other people, you might consider counseling.

[Lady2163]

I would never ask my husband's permission to babysit anyone's kids as I would be doing all the work if I was the one that offered. I think perhpas the babysitting issue is more to do with you feeling it is a onse sides favour and in this particular case you are taking offense over not her actions but your BIL and MIL. An exact amount of days in the last couple of months (including length of time for each stay) would give a better picture.

But, I would definetly make sure my husband was on onboard with inviting 45+ coworkers into our home for an evening. "Our home" being a kep componant to this. Thats a lot of work and people in a home.

 

What are some other examples?

 

Unless you're babysitting while your husband is out of the house for the entire time the children are there and he couldn't tell anyone else was ever there, it does affect him.

[aileD]

Your wife sounds like a caring soul who does kind things for other people out of the kindness of her heart and without expecting anything back.

 

That's a rare woman. You need to look for the good in her and appreciate that. You are overlooking it now because it's inconvenient to you.

 

Sure there's boundaries (45 people party should be talked about) but she shouldn't need your permission to babysit her neice---who is also YOUR niece and part of your family. I babysit my sisters niece all the time without asking MY h and it's fine because she's just part of our family and does what we all do like she was our kid

 

Are you being unreasonable in some areas? Maybe take stock of yourself and find out what you are really concerned with as opposed to what you're just bitching about.

 

Will any of it matter a year from now?

[WorriedOne]

Just to be clear, the babysitting thing is done on a Fri or Sat night, and is done typically at my house (I help out). I don't have a problem with it, my niece is very easy.

 

I think I am more upset with the fact that nobody in her family reciprocates the babysitting than the fact that she doesn't ask me. But that's her family dynamic and I have no input into that.

 

I do love and appreciate my wife's caring soul but it just seems that it is virtually impossible to get alone time with my wife because she has over-committed to everything else in her life. I have had long, calm, and loving conversations with her about this topic but it never leads to anywhere but her being very upset.

 

Her social life is important, I don't want to impede it. I take responsibility for not planning things in advance- perhaps that is my fix for this.

[salparadise]

I think you need to adopt a new, non-confrontational assertiveness mode. She is viewing your time, energy, preferences as an extension of hers. She is taking the liberty of committing you to whatever it is that her family expects, or whatever other requests are made of her. She sees you as an extension of herself rather than as a separate autonomous individual.

 

Plan some activities, night out at the movies or whatever when you expect the babysitting chore to get dumped on you... put it on the calendar well ahead so there's no question. Then when they try to preempt your plans, just say no and point out that you have already made plans.

 

You'll probably have to talk about it, and when you do be calmly assertive. I think this is what's lacking. The assumption is that you'll go along with anything because you're a nice guy. But what's actually happening is your life is being subjugated to everyone else's plans on day at a time. Explain to your wife that she's not to commit your time, or your home, for other people's convenience without talking to you first. Explain that from this day forward, these decisions will necessarily involve you!

[BettyDraper]

She openly despise and criticize your character ("you're antisocial"), wether its true or not.

 

The marital house, is basically HER house and you don't get to say that you want quiet time in your own home.

 

So basically, your wife isn't in love with you anymore, and you've been relegated to being a doormat.

 

All the name calling and accusations are only there to hide deeper problems : her selfishness, lack of empathy and respect toward you, and ultimately, that your marriage is , emotionally at least, over.

 

This. A couple should consult each other before making any big plans.

Your wife is completely self centered and she clearly cares more about helping others than her husband. This has to stop and you're the only person who can teach your wife that she cannot only think of others. Marriage counseling might be necessary if your wife refuses to have empathy for her husband.

 

I am quite extroverted while my my husband is truly antisocial-he rarely sees his friends and he has admitted that he is socially awkward. I still consider my husband's needs while enjoying my busy social life. I don't go out every weekend and I always ask my husband if he has any plans for us before I make any with a loved ones. In return, my husband will attend some social events with me and he'll also appear at a few of his company parties only because I think that it's good for his career to do so.

[mrs rubble]

Just to be clear, the babysitting thing is done on a Fri or Sat night, and is done typically at my house (I help out). I don't have a problem with it, my niece is very easy.

 

I think I am more upset with the fact that nobody in her family reciprocates the babysitting than the fact that she doesn't ask me. But that's her family dynamic and I have no input into that.

 

I do love and appreciate my wife's caring soul but it just seems that it is virtually impossible to get alone time with my wife because she has over-committed to everything else in her life. I have had long, calm, and loving conversations with her about this topic but it never leads to anywhere but her being very upset.

 

Her social life is important, I don't want to impede it. I take responsibility for not planning things in advance- perhaps that is my fix for this.

You could always organise a surprise outing for you and your wife and organise for her mom to help out with the babysitting...it might just start a new trend.

[whichwayisup]

Your wife sounds like a caring soul who does kind things for other people out of the kindness of her heart and without expecting anything back.

 

That's a rare woman. You need to look for the good in her and appreciate that. You are overlooking it now because it's inconvenient to you.

 

Sure there's boundaries (45 people party should be talked about) but she shouldn't need your permission to babysit her neice---who is also YOUR niece and part of your family. I babysit my sisters niece all the time without asking MY h and it's fine because she's just part of our family and does what we all do like she was our kid

 

Are you being unreasonable in some areas? Maybe take stock of yourself and find out what you are really concerned with as opposed to what you're just bitching about.

 

Will any of it matter a year from now?

 

I agree with partial parts of this post, your wife is certainly and kind and giving person, but with that said, she needs to let you know too, not just spring on you about a party with 45 people. Couples are supposed to communicate, seems like your wife doesn't have great communication skills with you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Her social life is important, I don't want to impede it. I take responsibility for not planning things in advance- perhaps that is my fix for this.

 

Might be a win/win. Take responsibility for getting a calendar and sitting down together at the beginning of the month, block out some days together. You don't need specific plans, just "this Saturday night" or "this Sunday afternoon", we're going to do something together. Those dates should be sacred, no other plans...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Els]

When I express my frustration about these things with my wife she immediately resorts to two responses:

 

a) "I am anti-social and we have nothing else better to do, so why not?" My response is that I am not even close to being anti-social (I work in sales!) and that since we both have big families and full-time jobs, our time together is precious to me.

 

b) "Why do I need to ask your permission? If I told you about these things in advance you would just say no". My response is that I won't necessarily say no, I just feel like I deserve the opportunity to provide input.

 

QUESTION: Am I just being a miserable, petty a-hole? I honest-to-God do NOT want to control my wife or tell her what to do with her free time, but I just feel like we barely spend any time together as it is (she works weekends and up until 7pm during the week) and for her to circumvent me with how we plan our free time is disrespectful. She is extremely sensitive and gets so mad when I try to address these things it will literally result in her being mad at me for days, no matter how delicately I try to present my feelings. It's a lose-lose situation for me.

 

I agree that she should talk to you about her plans first as it is your house as much as hers. Also, her responses sound like she's being passive-aggressive, to be honest. I certainly don't condone that, but on the other hand the passive-aggressiveness appears to be a result of her dissatisfaction with you and your relationship.

 

When you guys spend time together, what do you do? It sounds like she wants to go out, or do social things. Do you two actually do that sometimes, or is it always vegging out at home?

[Jersey born raised]

You have been a member for quite awhile and this seems to be a never resolved issue. Is your wife the original fiancé? Did you ever have children? Finally what happened to the girlfriend?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, what about the adage ' Charity begins at home'? Seems to me the OP is the least important person in the wife's considerations when she offers her time and services to others. OP, why does your wife say you are antisocial? Do you throw stones and bricks at other peoples homes or at other peoples cars passing by your house? Do you go out and vandalize public amenities just for the heck of it? Do you rob or mug people in the neighbourhood? Because that is what an antisocial person would do. You, at worst, may be guilty of being unsociable and nothing more though I don't think you are.

 

My own opinion resonates with that of some of the others in that your wife is treating you with some disrespect and lack of concern for your feelings and opinions. That is not the actions of someone who loves you. She is taking you for granted and her actions reek of an attitude of 'Take it or leave it'. Time for MC and IC for her and possibly you. Something has gone awry in your relationship and as others have said, your wife may be falling out of love with you if she has'nt done so already. The fact that you felt it necessary to come to a forum like this to air your grievances indicates that things are not at all hunky dory in your relationship and something drastic has to be done to steady the ship. Something to chew the cud over. Warm wishes.

Edited December 28, 2016 by Just a Guy

[nomobs]

My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have a 4yo daughter. Since we have been married, my wife has been increasingly generous with her time (our time) in the support of others and refuses to provide even a courtesy heads-up to me before offering to do these things. Two quick examples from the past 2 weekends:

 

1. My wife volunteered to host her co-workers (45+ people) Christmas party at our house this weekend without talking to me first. Our entire weekend has been consumed with preparation.

 

2. My wife regularly offers to babysit her brother's daughter, often overnight, without talking to me first. This favor has never been returned by my brother-in-law to watch my daughter; my wife says she would never ask him to do it as she would worry about push-back from him. The same applies to her mother whom often babysits this same niece but has never, once, offered to babysit our daughter. On many occasions when my mother-in-law watches my niece she "needs help" from my wife.

 

When I express my frustration about these things with my wife she immediately resorts to two responses:

 

a) "I am anti-social and we have nothing else better to do, so why not?" My response is that I am not even close to being anti-social (I work in sales!) and that since we both have big families and full-time jobs, our time together is precious to me.

 

b) "Why do I need to ask your permission? If I told you about these things in advance you would just say no". My response is that I won't necessarily say no, I just feel like I deserve the opportunity to provide input.

 

QUESTION: Am I just being a miserable, petty a-hole? I honest-to-God do NOT want to control my wife or tell her what to do with her free time, but I just feel like we barely spend any time together as it is (she works weekends and up until 7pm during the week) and for her to circumvent me with how we plan our free time is disrespectful. She is extremely sensitive and gets so mad when I try to address these things it will literally result in her being mad at me for days, no matter how delicately I try to present my feelings. It's a lose-lose situation for me.

 

It is called CONSIDERATION, not permission. When you are married, you ASK to make sure it is okay if you are hosting a f*cking party for 45 people (it is YOUR house too! hello! even roommates get a request) or spending the night somewhere else (can someone say cheating with a babysitting excuse). Your wife sounds like an inconsiderate b*tch. You need to set her straight or you will come back to this board with a cheating story. Don't say we never warned you. Nothing wrong with the way you think. She is wrong. You are right. End of story.

[GunslingerRoland]

Your wife doesn't seem to have much respect for you or your time to be honest.

 

One thing I'll say is that why can't you take the initiative to ask your in-laws for babysitting if your wife is scared too for whatever reason? If they push back, you can remind them all the times you've babysat.

[central]

I agree that you wife has little respect for you, your time, or boundaries. If you cannot discuss this calmly and rationally and reach an agreement where you are asked beforehand, then I suggest you fight fire with fire.

 

 

Make your own plans, without consulting her. Have a group over for Super Bowl for example, and expect her to help prepare. When she plans to have a large group over, rather than letting her suck you in to her plans, say you have a golf date, or are going out with friends instead. She can look after your daughter at the same time - she is obviously capable of that!

 

 

You do NOT have to be submissive to her whims. If you become your own man, she may begin to respect you more. More importantly, you'll respect yourself more, and have some leverage to negotiate a mutually acceptable way of handling outside time commitments.