shr Posted December 18, 2016 Posted December 18, 2016 Yesterday I confessed my feelings to a friend and got rejected. I'm not an active member on this forum, but since I had no one to talk about this and get a clearer picture I decided to get an advice from you guys. Sorry to completely bore you, I need to vent out or I will go crazy. I'll try to keep it short and on point. I met this man through mutual friends four years ago. As an introvert I never allowed my self to open up and let people come into my life until him. I've seen my mother hurt and crying during nights and after my parents divorce I promised myself to never fall for anyone or get into serious relationship. This guy used to push me to meet and hangout with him all the time. He would give me surprise visits on my campus and after I graduated would regularly stay in touch and ask me to meet him. Couple of years into our friendship and I started to like him for his ideas, his opinions, his thought process and how respectful and kind I thought he was towards people in general. I was completely smitten by him. He would compliment me for my personality and looks, claimed that he never met a girl before with so much pride and confidence, said I should allow myself to fall in love and open up my heart because I am very kind and I've kept my self hidden and locked up because I do not want to be hurt..etc... I started developing feelings for him. I started to like his attention and felt a pang of jealousy when I saw him being comfortable around other girls, touch them or even hug them. And because of this there have been couple of times when I decided to pull back and cut the friendship because even I didn't like my insecure self and each time he would insist and apologize if he did something to make me back off. There is more to the story but I finally got tired of my own feelings and after a month of no contact decided to send him a long text without any confession and just that I think it's best we go our separate ways and it would be unfair for me to walk away without letting him know. He said he's not ready to part ways but then later said somehow he sensed that I am going to vanish from his life very soon that is why he was making up his mind to loose that connection we had emotionally. I thought this would be the right time to confess so I summed up the courage and told him I have feelings for him and he deserved to know in so many words. After three hours he said "Amen. Your words sounds like prayers to me. " Honestly I was craving for something more from him. So instead I said I am not expecting an undying love confession, but I do deserve a mature response from someone who is as talkative as he is... His words, "I have only been in one relationship my entire life, gave up my career for her. She was my fiance. But she never appreciated any of my gestures. Now I only want to keep my career first. And become something in my life. My ex kept me back in my career. I don't even know if I will ever marry, but if I do that then that relationship will lead to marriage. But I am not sure if that will even happen." This relationship that he is talking about was six years ago. I asked him if I misinterpreted all his gestures, was it always just me and whether I am harboring one sided feelings. he said "I genuinely felt like we connected on many ways but I never allowed myself to feel deeply. This year has been quite a shock for me. And now this from you. I need to go to sleep...and a couple more things here and there. (through text) My last text to him was "You're right. I am sorry for overwhelming you with my feelings. You don't deserve that. I hope you have a pleasant night and a great life." He never responded. I feel like I made complete fool of myself. Was I wrong in confessing my feelings? As a woman I shouldn't have done that? I've been trying to stay strong but each time I look back and see how he pulled back immediately after my confession, I feel ashamed. A guy who couldn't stop texting me since the first time we met, wouldn't let me cut the friendship even when I tried so many times has completely gone quiet after my last message. Did I misinterpret every thing he said from the beginning? I wasn't the one to approach this friendship. I never constantly push him to meet me. It was always the other way. During our initial stage of friendship I found it weird that if I avoided him intentionally, he would demand that he wants to hangout. He would constantly be texting me and we would talk about so many different things. I was the one who tried to maintain a safe distance from him in the beginning and yet he would try to get close to me physically. Is it my age and that I am twenty five years old and he's 32? The only question I have been asking myself since then is -What have I done? and now it's extremely hard for me to even let go.
preraph Posted December 18, 2016 Posted December 18, 2016 Did you sleep with him? If you have not slept with him, then given his elaborate explanation of why he's never going to be committed or get serious, I think he was just probably wanting to sleep with you but 1) either truly doesn't want commitment again or 2) not with you. I realize the way he came after you aggressively gives you hope that he was serious, and that is reasonable, but there are guys who will aggressively pursue someone like that because they're a challenge just to sleep with them and are not looking for a real relationship. Bottom line, when a man tells you something like "not looking to remarry" or not ready for commitment or a relationship, there is simply NO reason to think otherwise. You are not the magic pill that will turn him around. And most importantly, once a man tells you they are not ready or don't want a relationship and then you drag them in anyway, they have you in a position where you have to accept all their bad behavior because "I TOLD you I didn't want this." They always have that excuse. He's using it now. Even though he knew that his words would run off any sensible female who was looking for a real relationship that would do the distance, he went into great detail to impress upon you that he was not the guy you hoped. So he was perfectly willing to let you go rather than any type of commitment and he's probably dumbfounded why you're still picking up the phone or texting back and is now marking you down for not having much common sense or being serious yourself, or you wouldn't stick around for this casual noncommital.
Survivor12 Posted December 18, 2016 Posted December 18, 2016 You did what was best for you. His response affirmed that continuing your friendship with him would continue to cause you pain as he is not interested in anything more. I know it hurts. The loss you feel is real & it will take time for you to get past it. Give yourself some time to grieve but don't doubt that you did the right thing.
Author shr Posted December 18, 2016 Author Posted December 18, 2016 Did you sleep with him? If you have not slept with him, then given his elaborate explanation of why he's never going to be committed or get serious, I think he was just probably wanting to sleep with you but 1) either truly doesn't want commitment again or 2) not with you. I realize the way he came after you aggressively gives you hope that he was serious, and that is reasonable, but there are guys who will aggressively pursue someone like that because they're a challenge just to sleep with them and are not looking for a real relationship. Bottom line, when a man tells you something like "not looking to remarry" or not ready for commitment or a relationship, there is simply NO reason to think otherwise. You are not the magic pill that will turn him around. And most importantly, once a man tells you they are not ready or don't want a relationship and then you drag them in anyway, they have you in a position where you have to accept all their bad behavior because "I TOLD you I didn't want this." They always have that excuse. He's using it now. Even though he knew that his words would run off any sensible female who was looking for a real relationship that would do the distance, he went into great detail to impress upon you that he was not the guy you hoped. So he was perfectly willing to let you go rather than any type of commitment and he's probably dumbfounded why you're still picking up the phone or texting back and is now marking you down for not having much common sense or being serious yourself, or you wouldn't stick around for this casual noncommital. Thank you. I truly appreciate your feedback. No, I did not sleep with him. A friend of mind told me a couple years ago to not get physical with him as he is bad news. And I refused to convince myself that the guy who is so respectful could ever do something like that 1
Author shr Posted December 18, 2016 Author Posted December 18, 2016 You did what was best for you. His response affirmed that continuing your friendship with him would continue to cause you pain as he is not interested in anything more. I know it hurts. The loss you feel is real & it will take time for you to get past it. Give yourself some time to grieve but don't doubt that you did the right thing. Thank you for your encouraging words. I'll keep them in mind 2
preraph Posted January 13, 2017 Posted January 13, 2017 Hope you'll start getting out with friends soon and leave him in the dust.
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