VirgoMoon Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 We've been working together for a few months, and he always seemed to display what seemed like obvious signs of flirting. He would look at me as he walked by, maybe "flirty" comments, talk to me, etc. A couple of weeks ago he invited me into his office because I was stressed, he could tell, and he told me that his office was free for me to talk if I wanted. And I did. We talked a bit about my life and his life. The following week, everything was great. He was still flirty, we still talked. Coworkers kept saying that he seemed to like me, which felt nice because I like him, too. Last Wednesday (Dec. 7), one of my co-workers thought it would be cute to ask him if he wanted to take me as his +1 to the Christmas party we were having that Friday, to which he responded, "what are you talking about? why would I do that?" - and then after that, he began acting strange. He would avoid making direct eye contact with me, talked to me less than usual, wouldn't tease me like he usually did, etc. This went on for the remainder of Wednesday, and all of Thursday and Friday (although he did say "hey" at the Christmas party on Friday evening). But other than that, he wouldn't talk to me or look at me unless it was directly related to work, and I did the same thing - figuring if he wanted to talk, he would. Not to mention, it was very painful for me not knowing why he was suddenly avoiding me. On Monday of this week he still wouldn't communicate with or look at me, same on Tuesday. On Wednesday I decided to ask him if everything was alright, and decided to take the high road and apologize if I did anything to upset him. He seemed to take it well, and we chatted for a bit. He said that I seemed to not want to talk to him, and I mentioned that my only reasoning for being quiet was because he suddenly began giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment - to which he disagreed. Fine, whatever, everything seemed solid on Wednesday when we left work. Then Thursday, the silence began again. Yesterday was the same. He was chatting with others, but wouldn't say a word to me unless directly related to work. He even flirted with a couple of other girls in front of me, one of whom he never cared for much in the past (in fact, this is the same girl who asked him if he would take me as his +1 to the party). Maybe I'm reading too much into things. I don't know. I know something is off, and he is acting different, but for the life of me I don't know what happened. I do know that this isn't somebody who I should want to date, but at the same time . . . it really bothers me. I still care about him, and still wonder what I could have possibly done wrong. Maybe I was just misinterpreting things all along and there was never anything there, not even a friendship.
butterfly84 Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 He sounds maybe unsure of things and i bet since you work together it also makes it more difficult - because if he did try something and it did not work out then you guys will still see each other all the time at work. You mentioned you talked about 'life' with him. Do you know for sure if he is single?
Author VirgoMoon Posted December 17, 2016 Author Posted December 17, 2016 He is separated, but not officially divorced. I'm sure he still has feelings for his "ex" wife, but he also states that they have both moved on in other directions. He's not ready to be in love again, I know that - but he has already been dating again, although as far as I know, he is currently dating nobody.
smackie9 Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 You were a distraction, and the flirtation wasn't anything more than that. When you suggested to go to the party as a couple, that made him realize he wasn't ready to go there, or just didn't want to.....it got too serious too fast so he backed off...flirting with other coworkers in front of you was his way to say "I'm not looking". Sure he might be dating but that is only casually, or for sex. Dating doesn't mean he is interested in a relationship. 4
Author VirgoMoon Posted December 17, 2016 Author Posted December 17, 2016 You're right, I likely was just a distraction. But FWIW, I didn't suggest going to the party at all. Coworkers did that without my knowing it until afterwards. 1
CommittedToThis Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 Hi VirgoMoon, Could it be you misinterpreted his initial actions? You used in quotes, "flirty", which to me indicates perhaps maybe there is some question on your part. Maybe he was just facilitating workplace harmony, is he nice to everyone? Maybe when you asked him to the party it caught him by surprise and his thoughts turned to workplace regulations and rules? It seems weird to me how he would flip on you like that just because you asked him to the Christmas party. In any case his response to you was humiliating and condescending and he's continued to give you the cold shoulder so that's probably it as far as he's concerned. He could turn out to be a sociopath and is grooming you for some kind of subservient future in which you will play the starring role. Either way I encourage you to disregard your feelings for this guy, if only because it's not a great idea to have personal relationships with co-workers. Respond to him in kind, keep distracted, maybe go on a date with someone else, and eventually your feelings for this rude co-worker should fade with time. All the best.
smackie9 Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 You're right, I likely was just a distraction. But FWIW, I didn't suggest going to the party at all. Coworkers did that without my knowing it until afterwards. Even worse......he realized his flirting was misinterpreted by you and everyone in the office. He didn't want to draw that kind of attention to himself......now it makes even more sense why he flirted with the two other coworkers. 1
Terry8889 Posted December 18, 2016 Posted December 18, 2016 To be honest idk why you are even wasting energy giving so much thought at the situation. Are you really that desperate for a relationship? doesn't matter what his intention where before what matters now is his actions which are clearly sending you a message that he is not interested in dating you. He probably flirts with all girls he finds attractive but thats it, it doesn't mean he wants a relationship. I think you looked way too much into it.
Fair Posted December 18, 2016 Posted December 18, 2016 He may just not know what he wants and is acting on whatever mood assails him on a particular day where you're concerned. Anyway, he's a coworker, bad BAD idea to date him. And even if you didn't work with him you don't want a guy who blows hot and cold. That always means he's just not that into you. 1
Author VirgoMoon Posted December 18, 2016 Author Posted December 18, 2016 Far from desperate for a relationship. I just thought I felt something there, and there wasn't really any doubt that he was flirting - but yes, perhaps that's just his nature to flirt with anybody and everybody. For me it's just upsetting when people (whether potential dates, friends, or family) go cold for seemingly no reason. I'd prefer if people just said what was on their mind, even if it might hurt my feelings. Plus, this wasn't really behavior I expected from a 50-year-old man. Perhaps it is time to move past these feelings though. He is making it clear that there is no interest on his part, even if there was initially.
Fair Posted December 18, 2016 Posted December 18, 2016 A lesson - just because they're flirting, doesn't mean they are "interested". Even if they're attracted to you it doesn't necessarily mean they're interested. This is a mistaken assumption a lot of us make and then become bewildered when he doesn't actually pursue us. 3
smackie9 Posted December 18, 2016 Posted December 18, 2016 Hopefully he has learned a lesson that his flirting isn't so harmless and playful.....IMO it is inappropriate for the workplace environment, so unprofessional. 2
alicyn Posted December 18, 2016 Posted December 18, 2016 If he's not officially divorced then it means he has some mental baggage and you were a distraction to help get his mind off of it and have a little fun. He was toying with your feelings and your friendship which is seriously unprofessional in the workplace. I would give him the cold shoulder from now on and don't fall for his games.
OatsAndHall Posted December 18, 2016 Posted December 18, 2016 Why is everyone assuming that this guy was just using the OP as a "distraction" or acting with deception? He chatted with her, plain and simple. What some people define as "flirty" is just simple conversation for others. I have a very dry and sarcastic sense of humor and have had my fair share of women assume I was hitting on them when I let that sense of humor come out. I doubt if he had any ill intentions as he reacted the way he did when someone mentioned taking her to the Christmas party. A guy that was looking for a "distraction" probably would have jumped at the chance to take her to that party. There's the black and white here: the guy is separated from his wife, has been chatting with a co-worker and had the opportunity to take her out but shut that down in a hurry. And, to boot, he backed way off on communication afterward as he probably saw that this was going headed towards a messy place. To the OP: you BOTH dodged a bullet here because of his actions. Do you really want a relationship with a co-worker who is still married? 1
preraph Posted December 18, 2016 Posted December 18, 2016 Yes, you misinterpreted things and then by letting other coworkers know there was some interaction between you and him, you embarrassed him in the office. Look, some people just have a type of personality where they seem flirty because they're just outgoing. I have noticed that in many offices I've worked in, we become so familiar with each other that we just carry on and do wink-wink things just to alleviate the boredom of being at work or even sometimes to confuse a coworker who seems nosy. And some people are just like that with everyone. It's really just being social -- and even some people who aren't naturally social know it pays dividends to act social at work and make everyone like you. He bailed as soon as he got a whiff you were taking it serious so as not to further mislead you. Limit your contact (and office gossip) now to just being polite and professional when you need to interact with him for work, nothing more, no more trying to "talk it out." He doesn't feel there's anything TO talk out because he doesn't share your feelings, so he doesn't want to deal with it. Awkward, huh? It happens. Just move on and try to forget about it. 1
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