JennyWy Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. In the past year that we have been living together, I've noticed some things that really alarm me: 1. Sometimes, he has no manners. He would be having dinner with me or at guests and constantly be reading something on his cell phone. He would never wait for the rest of the guests to sit down, just start eating himself. I find it really rude. 2. when we argue, he gets really stressed and does everything he can to insult me (name calling, humiliation, even once resorted to emotional blackmail). 3. he often starts arguing with me out of nowhere about hypothetical situations. Or even things like politics. He actually takes it seriously and I never do, which gets him even more mad and he starts fighting with me heatedly. I find it ridiculous that we are fighting over it. Anyway, I'm wondering if this sounds like warning signs to anyone? Most of the time he is caring and loving, but I get anxious when I see him act otherwise! Thanks 1
anina27 Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 I would be worried also if I was you. These are all very selfish acts. How old is he? 3
butterfly84 Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 2 & 3 sound verbally abusive to me, or that he doesn't have control of himself. If you're starting to think of things more long term just ask yourself do you want to keep dealing with those things forever - it is rare for someone to change. 5
anina27 Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 Yes, you should be worried. At 28 that is not acceptable behavior. I do agree with butterfly84 in regards to lack of emotional stability. The sad part is they don't get better at dealing with their emotions as they get older just worse. Have a conversation with him and tell him that the pitty arguments need to stop and the way he treats others needs to improve. Do it in a loving way with a soft tone, no yelling or demanding. Watch his reaction, if he gets angry and starts blaming, defensive, etc, I would strongly reconsider a relationship with this person. 2
OatsAndHall Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 Yes, I would be concerned. And, I would ask him to stop. If he doesn't, he goes away. 1
Satu Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 I wouldn't even consider being with him if those behaviours continue. I'd have one chat with him about it, and if carried on, I'd eject him. Take care. 2
CommittedToThis Posted December 17, 2016 Posted December 17, 2016 (edited) I'm not suggesting your BF is Cluster B personality disordered (PD), but in my experience (10 years with a personality disordered woman) anyone who creates tension and arguments out of nothing and nowhere do so with an agenda in mind. The agenda being them using you to justify a Plan B to quell their fears of you abandoning them. I know, it's ridiculous but they're out there, and your BF may be one of them. Here's how it works: PDs fear abandonment, so the closer your BF gets to you, the more he fears you abandoning him. At some point the fear becomes too much so the PD will start lining up a back-up person; once they've found a back-up, the PD will intentionally manipulate you into responding in a negative or angry fashion (or even just disagreeing with them) so they can then say, "See? Girlfriend is yelling at me, she's a bad woman, she's going to abandon me, I'm running to my Plan B before I suffer a narcissistic injury." So they leave (emotionally or physically or both) for the new supply but 9 times out of 10, they're dumped relatively quickly (the way we wish we had done) and next thing you know, that coyote's knocking on your door and you're back in the whirlwind. Childhood issues (abuse, neglect, etc.) are the predicting factor at work; what kind of family does BF come from? If it's messy or dysfunctional, you have reason to be concerned. Listen, these people are insanely manipulative; I consider myself a relatively intelligent and common-sense man and it took me 10 years to figure out that, hey, this isn't what I wanted out of this relationship and she's deliberately playing me. I encourage you to Google "Cluster B Personality Disorder Cycle of Abuse" and if you see anything that looks startlingly familiar, well, you'll know where you stand. Also Google "Out of the Fog", a website dedicated to "victims" (hate that word, I was more like a dupe rather than a victim) of people in relationships with PDs. If you need any help let me know. I've absolutely LOVED spending the past 10 years of my life studying personality disorders, said me never. All the best to you both. Edited December 17, 2016 by CommittedToThis 2
Terry8889 Posted December 18, 2016 Posted December 18, 2016 I used to be in a relationship with a guy similar to yours. I also lived with him for a while. He was very into politics and one day out of nowhere he asked me to fill out an online questionnaire he didn't tell me what it was about but based on the questions it was about politics. The results were that I had conservative tendencies and he was a extreme liberal (apparently) so he made such a fuss about it and got so serious in the discussion I didn't even care or really thought anything about politics. Like your guy he would argue about hypothetical scenarios or problems that never happened. It was very frustrating, he was a immature. I loved him back then but now after 4 years I realized how much of an idiot he was and how I shouldn't have let him treat me like that. He never used name calling though but when we argued he would take a very aggressive tone of voice and get really close to my face like if he was about to hit me. He never did though, but I am glad he is gone forever. btw he was 20 at the time so for your guy to still act like a jerk with the person "he loves" at 28? that is odd. If I were you I'd be getting myself psychologically ready for an eventual break up unless you are willing to put up with his odd behavior for the rest of your life. Good luck!
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