Left with so many questions

[TimmyC]

I definitely don't have anymore questions lol

 

But it's hard for me to move past this, sometimes I feel ok other times I feel responsible, as if it's my fault. Like maybe I could have been different and changed things to make her love me more. All of this just totally blind sided me and I loved her so much I continued to take her back.

[PLT]

I definitely don't have anymore questions lol

 

But it's hard for me to move past this, sometimes I feel ok other times I feel responsible, as if it's my fault. Like maybe I could have been different and changed things to make her love me more. All of this just totally blind sided me and I loved her so much I continued to take her back.

 

So she bugs you and bugs you until you answer, insults you and your mother, THEN says she loves you blah blah blah until you cave in, and then calls it off again 24 hours later?

 

This person needs to grow the **** up.

 

And you need to remember how she reeled you back in only to **** with your head again. Remember how it felt next time she starts with that BS again. She does NOT love you.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had similar. It's horrible. You don't know which way is up anymore. I went back at least 3 times, maybe more, I stopped counting after a while. All I can tell you is that this WILL continue until you put your foot down and say "NO MORE!", and mean it.

[TimmyC]

So she bugs you and bugs you until you answer, insults you and your mother, THEN says she loves you blah blah blah until you cave in, and then calls it off again 24 hours later?

 

This person needs to grow the **** up.

 

And you need to remember how she reeled you back in only to **** with your head again. Remember how it felt next time she starts with that BS again. She does NOT love you.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had similar. It's horrible. You don't know which way is up anymore. I went back at least 3 times, maybe more, I stopped counting after a while. All I can tell you is that this WILL continue until you put your foot down and say "NO MORE!", and mean it.

 

Thank you PLT, you are right. I guess I need to have thicker skin and realize things won't get better. I felt guilty about ignoring her too because she has cancer and part of me is wanting to think that's why she is treating me this way because she is ill, but it's getting harder and harder to justify her behavior. My heart is honestly so broken without her but your right I must accept that she does not love me.

[PLT]

Thank you PLT, you are right. I guess I need to have thicker skin and realize things won't get better. I felt guilty about ignoring her too because she has cancer and part of me is wanting to think that's why she is treating me this way because she is ill, but it's getting harder and harder to justify her behavior. My heart is honestly so broken without her but your right I must accept that she does not love me.

 

With all due respect to her, having an illness does not give her the right to treat people the way she has treated you so far. Yes it's tough for her. Yes, it's scary for her, but that isn't your fault so you should not have to bear the brunt of her anger.

It's really not a case of being thicker skinned. I think you are being a bit harsh on yourself. It's natural, we all do it. Like I said, I've been there, and I went back when everyone was telling me not to. I then went back again, and kept that I was seeing her a secret so I didn't have to hear my friends and family tell me it would all just happen again, but of course it did happen again.

 

Every time it happens it feels worse, because you start beating yourself up for falling for it. I went back numerous times, only to be hurt, belittled, humiliated, and my head messed with even worse than I had the time before.

 

Don't be me.

[Bromeo]

Timmy,

 

Listen to the good people on here, we all have been through the ringer. If you don't think so, read plt's saga, and if you want a real laugh, read mine.

 

Mine played game after game. She was confused, uncertain, thought things wouldn't change, game after game after game. When I went to see her, then she announced she had a new boyfriend. Right....

 

Honestly, brother, you are letting this woman devalue you as a person. You, as I did, are allowing a level of treatment that is shocking. I lost myself chasing, and it sounds like you are too.

 

Unless you get the emotions under control, you've got to back off a bit. Tell her you need space and time, and see if she respects that.

 

You are being taken for a ride. I was too, and you have to be strong enough to get off.

 

Dave

[bluefeather]

Ah! I had a strong feeling this would happen, but I did not want to say it! Didn't want to get your hopes up saying that she might come back. I swear, the same thing has happened to me too lol for real. And with more than one girl, so I obviously have not learned my lesson yet hahaha. I don't mean to make light of your situation, it's just after a while, I just started to see this process as a joke. It helps me to laugh about it

 

I try now not to take things as seriously. Look at it this way: you had a taste of what it would be like to have her craziness AGAIN. What does it bring you? More heartbreak!

 

The answer is the same one you said to her - YOU DESERVE BETTER. But that is the answer that you struggle to believe. That's ok. Many people struggle with this as well, myself included. But it helps to realize it. That person has a problem of her own, but so do you. Don't focus on her issues. Focus on yours, which is that you let certain people walk on you. And after they do it, you ask for more. You asked for more when you took her back. Heck, you asked for more when you spoke to her.

 

Please forgive me if I sound harsh, but I am also telling this to myself as I tell you, because I too am going through an issue of my own with an old ex that I need to let go of...

 

LEAVE HER THE F*** ALONE! Get out of her life. She has shown through her actions that she does not desire you. You need to respect that and step out of her life completely. Even if the opportunity happens to present itself yet again, and she wants you back, yet again, you cannot go back. Trust me, there is some lady out there sooooo much better for you. And she is waiting for you. I tell you, there is some gorgeous woman out there who wishes to love you fully and completely and would never do something like this to you. Imagine this amazing woman in the future looking at you in the present, waiting for you to come pick her up... Waiting for you to notice her! But every time you have contact with the ex, it just pushes her further and further away from you.

 

Don't let that ex get in the way of the woman of your dreams!

[TimmyC]

Happy holidays guys thank you again PLT and Bluefeather for you guys helpful and supportive replies.

 

Today I'm not doing so well. It's been about 3 days since she has tried to reach out...somehow I think it's finally over... but instead of feeling relieved I feel quite the opposite. I spent the entire Christmas alone and crying on my couch. I feel so empty inside and so defeated how is it fair that it's so easy for her not to care about me but I'm stuck caring about her. I have so much bitterness and hatred towards her and it's destroying me. I hate myself for missing her so much. Once again I'm stuck feeling as if my life isn't worth living in fact even more so. Le than before. I don't want to live my life like this anymore.

[bluefeather]

Happy holidays guys thank you again PLT and Bluefeather for you guys helpful and supportive replies.

 

Today I'm not doing so well. It's been about 3 days since she has tried to reach out...somehow I think it's finally over... but instead of feeling relieved I feel quite the opposite. I spent the entire Christmas alone and crying on my couch. I feel so empty inside and so defeated how is it fair that it's so easy for her not to care about me but I'm stuck caring about her. I have so much bitterness and hatred towards her and it's destroying me. I hate myself for missing her so much. Once again I'm stuck feeling as if my life isn't worth living in fact even more so. Le than before. I don't want to live my life like this anymore.

 

yup yup, felt similarly before and have spent a Christmas alone too. it sux I'm sorry dude

 

ugh, the sad thing is that I'd say there is a pretty good chance that it's not finally over. though you would be lucky if it was, even though I know you wouldn't see it that way.

 

How is it fair? It's not. But that's not what life is about. But you got dealt this certain hand. Now what are you going to do about it? You got knocked down. How long you gonna lie down on the floor? Tell you what, you take all the time that you need. Because all the words in the world won't be as good as the experience you are getting right now. It's like I finished reading a book, and you are at the middle of the book where something really crazy/bad happens. All I can say is, "Dude, it gets better, trust me. Keep reading!" lol

 

The girl's nothin. There's like a billion more of them hahaha. Your anger and hatred is totally understandable, though. I've been there and also go through occasional lows. It happens, but when it does, I learn from it, and it goes away quicker every time.

 

Some random crazy wants to shut you out? Just shrug your shoulders and be like "meh. ok, peace."

 

After all the sh** I have been through, crazy's just not my type anymore.

 

edit: oh and Merry Christmas!

[Redhead14]

I definitely don't have anymore questions lol

 

But it's hard for me to move past this, sometimes I feel ok other times I feel responsible, as if it's my fault. Like maybe I could have been different and changed things to make her love me more. All of this just totally blind sided me and I loved her so much I continued to take her back.

 

Like maybe I could have been different and changed things to make her love me more. -- Take the pressure off of yourself by thinking you have "control" over things like this. It's a lot of work to be someone you're not or trying to be some kind of chameleon to accommodate dating partners. The fact is that whatever you do that is different from who you really are, will be hard to maintain for very long.

 

Just learn to accept that you can't be everyone's cup of tea and that a good partner for you will be attracted to and accept you the way you are.

 

I loved her so much I continued to take her back -- You didn't love HER, you loved who you wished she would be.

[bluefeather]

Like maybe I could have been different and changed things to make her love me more. -- Take the pressure off of yourself by thinking you have "control" over things like this. It's a lot of work to be someone you're not or trying to be some kind of chameleon to accommodate dating partners. The fact is that whatever you do that is different from who you really are, will be hard to maintain for very long.

 

Just learn to accept that you can't be everyone's cup of tea and that a good partner for you will be attracted to and accept you the way you are.

 

I loved her so much I continued to take her back -- You didn't love HER, you loved who you wished she would be.

 

Thanks Redhead14, that is helpful to me too!

[TimmyC]

Thanks again for everyone's support and thank you redhead14.

 

Today is 6 days NC... I feel a range of emotions right now, mostly anger and hatred. I'm not necessarily sure if it's healthy but It's starting to destroy me. I barely made it through work today and people constantly asked if I was ok and then I just broke. I found myself looking at photos of an old ex that was verbally abusive but not as bad as this girl and she's been happy with a guy since September. So now I feel like I'm the problem is a very sombering feeling... I'm going to be very honest, I've concidered for the past couple of days ending my life. I don't see much to live for anymore. The first heartbreak was bad but this... I can't describe. How can someone be so heartless. I feel like a have no reason to live, nothing keeps me going anymore loosing her was like 20 steps back. Everyone says for me to work on myself and be single but I'm so tired of working on myself. I should of just let her go to the bar and not asked any questions. I should of just kept my mouth shut. I'm sorry for my negativity my soul is honestly just so tired..

[Marc878]

Change your number pronto. At this time you are your own worst enemy.

 

Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[bluefeather]

6 days is not very long. need more time to continue the mourning process.

 

anger is normal. hatred.. experience it, and then let it pass through you/out of you.

 

You had a bad day at work. It happens. No need to beat yourself up over it.

 

This is not the end of the road for you. When your heart breaks, you open it bigger. You can take it. You're a man. You were right to speak up because to speak up is to honor your feelings and express yourself.

 

You've got plenty to live for. The love of your life is waiting for you. But you have to go through a hell of a learning process to get to her. Think of how romantic it will be when you can say that she is worth all of the heartache that you went through just to find her.

[preraph]

I don't know why you can't just accept the truth and are looking for some other reason other than the real one why she broke up with you. She wants to be single, period. It's over. She's moving on and so should you.

[TimmyC]

Because people that just want to be single break it off normally and don't constantly play games and keep trying to get back together, lie, and call from blocked numbers just to break up again.

Edited December 29, 2016 by TimmyC

[bluefeather]

Because people that just want to be single break it off normally and don't constantly play games and keep trying to get back together, lie, and call from blocked numbers just to break up again.

 

They do if they have mental issues.

[Redhead14]

Thanks again for everyone's support and thank you redhead14.

 

Today is 6 days NC... I feel a range of emotions right now, mostly anger and hatred. I'm not necessarily sure if it's healthy but It's starting to destroy me. I barely made it through work today and people constantly asked if I was ok and then I just broke. I found myself looking at photos of an old ex that was verbally abusive but not as bad as this girl and she's been happy with a guy since September. So now I feel like I'm the problem is a very sombering feeling... I'm going to be very honest, I've concidered for the past couple of days ending my life. I don't see much to live for anymore. The first heartbreak was bad but this... I can't describe. How can someone be so heartless. I feel like a have no reason to live, nothing keeps me going anymore loosing her was like 20 steps back. Everyone says for me to work on myself and be single but I'm so tired of working on myself. I should of just let her go to the bar and not asked any questions. I should of just kept my mouth shut. I'm sorry for my negativity my soul is honestly just so tired..

 

TimmyC, you will experience a process very similar to grieving a death. You will go through stages at various times and back and forth sometimes. It's important to let yourself feel those emotions but do it in little bits. Set aside say 1/2 an hour a day to let yourself feel, think, process and at the end of that time, you force yourself to do something else, anything else to distract yourself from it. Over a period of time, you will find that you need less and less time to do that for yourself.

[Hopefuleddie]

No matter how you feeling right now, don't worry, ‘the feeling’ will go away, and you be able to find another person who is willing to stay with you. Don't give up. Please check out this article about dating and relationships. When All The Fish In The Sea Are Belly Up | A Listly List

[keiji]

I'm going to be very honest, I've concidered for the past couple of days ending my life. I don't see much to live for anymore. The first heartbreak was bad but this... I can't describe. How can someone be so heartless. I feel like a have no reason to live, nothing keeps me going anymore loosing her was like 20 steps back.

 

Are you suggesting that the only thing that kept you going was this person? Seriously? I know how much it hurts now, I was there last January and it was awful, it really was, but I never, ever let that kind of though linger on for too long because it's simply not true. She left you and, not content with that, she's been playing games, testing the waters just to punch you in the stomach when you were off guard again with no regard for your feelings. That's cruelty, pure and simple, and you need to take her off that pedestal you put her into.

 

Her actions and feelings have absolutely nothing to do with you and your worth as a human being. Have you ever ignored a wonderful woman? Probably, and she's not any worse because you didn't give her the credit she deserved. Your current situation is not different.

 

That woman is not worth your time and suffering. You'll have to grieve the "loss" (big emphasis on the quotation marks), true, but in time you'll see it's simple arithmetics: she's not good to you, her behavior has been dreadful and you're better off without her. She's the one who'll be carrying along all that selfishness and cruelty in her backpack, not you, and it will backfire sooner or later.

 

It seems impossible now, but all that resentment you're harboring will soon recede and you'll be able to see her for what she truly is. And the sooner you completely cut contact, the better. You're in a fragile position, basically because you have strong feelings and, your words, she's "heartless". Stay away from her, work as hard as necessary to heal, and aim for the biggest victory here: indifference.

[TimmyC]

Wonderfully written, thank you Keiji. In fact thank you again to everyone that I received support from. I can't express how great full I am that all of you guys have taken the time out of your day to respond and help me through this.

 

I don't know if I'm feeling better today, I feel numb. It's now been atleast over a week since we spoke. I changed he ringer on my iPhone and I don't seem to glance at my phone as much waiting for a call. I'm no longer crying eaither so I guess that's also a good sign. Now though I still blame myself, this is the second emotionally abusive relationship I got out of. Part of me wants to believe it was just bad luck but I think that's what haunts me the most. And the fact that I still love her deep down and I wish I did not.

[bluefeather]

Yeah, this is a great place for support.

 

You're going to have ups and downs. That's part of the process. No need to blame yourself, but you could see it as being observant. Like, now you know certain kinds of behavior that you should not stand for.

[Formerfiveo]

Timmy,

 

I wish there was a time machine that we could give you to speed up the grieving and healing process. It hurts unbearably, and there have been times when I've thought that the best way to end the pain is to end my life. But the happiness that I found after the pain ended completely erased any memory of that pain. Now when I look back at those times, I just laugh.

 

You WILL get through this, and you WILL feel better. Not tomorrow, and probably not next week either, but keep moving forward. Even if you have to crawl, keep moving forward and don't look back.

 

Can you completely block her number? Changing your ringer is only going to make things worse with the temptation to pick up because you'll know it's her.

 

Protect yourself. If you don't, no one else will.

 

I wish you much peace and hope in this new year.

[TimmyC]

I realize I should post this in the coping section but I don't want to make an entirely new thread...

 

Lastnight the thoughts got the best of me and I took a large quantity of ibprofen... I regret that because now it's done nothing but give me a gnarly stomach ache and I'm throwing up anddddd in addition I STILL feel lost and empty... while she is happy with her life.

 

*sigh*

[PLT]

Dude, she is not happy with her life. People who are truly happy with their life don't feel the need to treat other people like dirt. There is something deep inside her that is rotten. You didn't put it there, it's still there, and will always be there unless she faces up to all the hurt she has caused you, and I have NO DOUBT, others.

 

On the other hand you sound like a decent guy, who is emotionally aware. You are a normal person having a normal emotional response to an abnormal situation.

 

Try not to focus on the abuse aspect for too long. Accept you allowed yourself to be treated badly by this person, and vow to not let that situation happen again. Trust me, in a few months, or a year, or 20 years down the line, you may be on a date and she may do or say something that will make the alarm bells ring loudly in your head. Don't do what I did. Listen to your gut that will be telling you, screaming at you to not go any further with this person. I wish I'd listened to my gut 4 years ago. I wish I'd listened to it 3 years 10 months ago, and 3 years 6 months ago. I didn't, and 4 years later my gut is telling me "I ****ing told you so!"

 

Don't be me.

[bluefeather]

keep posting here as you cope if it helps.