Left with so many questions

[TimmyC]

Today was another difficult day in my life I got a text from the gf saying "I've been thinking a lot and I just want to be single. Don't call or text me anymore." That was early this morning, not exactly the most ideal text to wake up to.

 

I feel hurt, but I have so many questions. Up until this point her communication was starting to decline more and more yesterday was the first night I didn't get a single text or call for the entire day. So after she sent this wonderful text I asked her to please be honest, was there someone else and received no response.

 

Ever since she said she was going on this business trip and got her old job back she's acted distant and snobby. Before this point she was going to the bar with some guy she claimed was his best friend and she claimed his wife was there with them but when I called she "couldn't talk." Then she said her niece was in the hospital and she was on her way to visit her and I mentioned I wanted to come be there for her emotionally and she told me I couldn't because her family would be there. And when she described her niece being on life support there was no emotion. I'm guessing this was a lie..

 

 

Here is the background story which I've posted before:

 

So during my grieving process I met this beautiful woman at work. She was going through a divorce and was in a similar situation to me, (The guy was verbally abusive). We got close to each other and things were going so well. She met my family and here is where things got a bit strange. She would not let me meet her family or friends. (I know its the classic textbook definition of possibly being a fling) but she claimed it was because her kids were not comfortable which I understand, and she was afraid of what her friends would think since the divorce had been a little over a year ago. I overlooked that and things became more bizarre. I added her on fb and she did not want the relationship to be public, she went as far as not commenting on a few of my things when I had me and her picture up. (First red flag)

 

Fast forwarding to now, she had undergone a hysterectomy recently and has been completely different. about 2 weeks after she started to not call me as much, or text me, and her excuse was that her children were not comfortable with her talking on the phone (Red flag number two) At this point I love her so much I understood. Lastnight I sent a text saying I couldn't take it anymore and the only response I got was a hi, and her thanking me for ending things with her and she told me I didn't need to text her back.

 

I informed her that I wanted to give her back the ring she bought me and the love notes because I didn't feel comfortable about throwing them away. She agreed to meet, tears were exchanged and she told me she didn't want to let me go and we got back together.) Later that night we got a room and planned on spending time together but she said her kids were worried about her and she had to rush back home.

 

Additional information:

 

*I have never been to her house, the older kids are not ready to meet me.

*She has gone from wanting to get a place with me to wanting me to get a place so she can visit.

*Shes gone from super loving and jealous to not caring much at all.

*I only get maybe two or three texts a day

*Whenever we do meet up, it is in hotel rooms.

*I have not met her friends and when they do call I have to be quiet.

*When she is at home the phone "hangs up" randomly

*She has had a hysterectomy and I realize that may impact her moods

*We have broken up and gotten back together on multiple occasions.

*She's gone through a tough divorce with an emotionally abusive man.

*She's also been battling cancer

*I have spoken to her youngest son once.

*She is an older woman in her late 30's

*She has told me she wants to spend her life with me.

 

What do I do, how do I feel? Some odd feeling tells me I was "the other man" and now that her life is back together she's phased me out.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry this has happened to you, OP.

 

I agree that she probably has a boyfriend (or husband) and you were the other man. There were plenty of warning signs that something was wrong.

 

Please, don't let someone keep you a total secret in the future. There is usually a reason a partner is kept separate from everyone in their significant other's life, and it's virtually never a legitimate one.

[OatsAndHall]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this... But, you need to ask yourself if you actually want the answers to those question, my friend. I had many, many questions about the months that led up to my separation and subsequent divorce. But, at the end of the day, the answers to those questions won't erase the past.

 

And, to be very honest, there was a lot of sneaky stuff going on right before we split, it painted a pretty clear picture for me and I was just lied to when I confronted her about it.

[TimmyC]

Thank you guys for your support and advice. I think I should definitely stop wondering about the truth and remember to look it for the red flags in the future. I'm honestly just so heartbroken I don't want to date anymore. This is the second really bad relationship that I have gotten out of but only this time I realize it was worse than my other one. I've put up with so much. She's broken up with me and gotten back together so many times, she's said she's hated me told me to go F myself one day when we had a disagreement over her being distant. I'm just such a broken person right now....Again

[ExpatInItaly]

You have more power than you think, OP.

 

Yes, this was a painful experience. No doubt about it. But now you know that the next time you see warning signs, you need to leave. This woman has taught you that your bad feeling about this relationship was correct. You have learned you can trust your instincts.

 

Instead of labeling yourself broken, spend that mental energy trying to identify what it was inside you that told you to stay and continue to tolerate this type of relationship. What is it you were trying to validate or soothe by hanging on to what was clearly not going to end well? What did you tell yourself to justify staying?

 

These are sincere questions. It hurts, but there are some important lessons to be learned here if you allow yourself to see what your role was in perpetuating this cycle. (Meaning, she wouldn't have been able to toy around with you so much if you had stopped enabling it) That will also permit you to start developing the strength needed to run in the opposite direction if you ever encounter malarkey like this again.

[Sweetfish]

Thank you guys for your support and advice. I think I should definitely stop wondering about the truth and remember to look it for the red flags in the future. I'm honestly just so heartbroken I don't want to date anymore. This is the second really bad relationship that I have gotten out of but only this time I realize it was worse than my other one. I've put up with so much. She's broken up with me and gotten back together so many times, she's said she's hated me told me to go F myself one day when we had a disagreement over her being distant. I'm just such a broken person right now....Again

 

 

Sounds like a woman that has her own little "Reverse Harem" a group of males that satisfy her needs individually.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what happened. Yes, not the ideal way to wake up.

 

She is just not feeling the same as you about the relationship. There could be lots of reasons and you will probably never know what they are. I would advise against even bothering to try to find a reason, because it will drive you crazy. Matters of the heart are not really subject to reason.

 

You ask if there is another guy - there might be but she might not be with him, ever. Suddenly realising you are interested in other guys can be a turning point in a relationship and is a sign that things are not as strong as they could be. It can happen to any of us to, we can leave or be left. No-one is immune. It is painful I know, but you could just as easily fall for someone you like better in a short while. The heart makes its own choices.

[TimmyC]

Well I blocked her number through my carrier, incase she tries to text me to get back together again. I suppose that's a start. I keep reading that text over...and over...and over. And it's just killing me, I don't know where I went wrong. Why was I so stupid, I wasted 4 months of my life.

[Stercrazy]

Well I blocked her number through my carrier, incase she tries to text me to get back together again. I suppose that's a start. I keep reading that text over...and over...and over. And it's just killing me, I don't know where I went wrong. Why was I so stupid, I wasted 4 months of my life.

 

No it wasn't a waste. You learned not ignore the warning signs and that you deserve better. Take some time for yourself and be single. Embrace it. Once you are comfortable then you will ready to meet your equal.

[bluefeather]

sorry dude. :hug: forget her and find someone better.

[TimmyC]

I'm not sure if shock has set in, but I'm starting to feel so much worse today, I stayed in bed all day today. I continuously stared at the last text she sent me, those cold words...

 

I've been thinking a lot, and I want to be single.

Don't text or call me anymore...

 

I keep trying to wrap my head around what I did wrong, how I could of saved the relationship. I don't understand how it's so easy for her to not care about me, and how it's hard for me to stop loving her. I guess in the end I hope she is happy with whomever she is with now.

[staggerlee71]

Its not shock, you feel rejected. There is not a whole lot anyone can tell you to feel better. You kind of have to feel crappy for a while and process what has happened. My first 30-60 days were just spent trying to figure out what I did wrong. I must have googled and read the internet.

 

After I got tired of searching for answers, which just caused more questions, I joined the gym and strapped up and got on with my life. I was NC from jump and did not talk to her for 5 months. I'm 6 months single and I am finally getting centered.

 

I did talk to her finally(dec 1), which didn't set me back, but I am not ready to have her in my life.

 

I now feel that the breakup had a lot to do with her and not me. Some things I did didn't help but it was going to happen.

 

I tell you this because you will have some work to get through this but you will feel much better if you allow yourself time to ride this out. months of time. Everyday try and find sometime doing something other than thinking about her. as the days go by, you will think of her less and less and will not look for answers.

 

Hang tough!! enjoy your holiday with friends and family as best you can. Things will get better for you.

[bluefeather]

Totally normal what you're going through right now, Timmy.

[Been]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Been there.

Yes 9 times out of 10 there is another man. And deep down you can feel it.

I'm almost positive in your case that's what it is. And the reason you never met her friends is she didn't want Anyone knowing about you-people would have asked questions she didn't have the answers to.

You don't want the answers to the questions you have trust

On that. She doesn't treat you the way you should be treated and that's all you need to know. Sometimes in order to move on its easier to not know EVERYTHING-it doesn't change anything.

You will feel bad for awhile. The only way to get through it in my opinion is let the hurt inspire you to do great things-school,the gym etc. Change something in your life for the better.

Right now she has to not exist to you. Don't let her talk to you because she will manipulate the situation to meet her needs. And you will fall for it because of the state your in.

[TimmyC]

So she called me today... And confirmed my worst fear. She's working things out with her ex husband.

[Sweetfish]

So she called me today... And confirmed my worst fear. She's working things out with her ex husband.

 

 

Sucks man... but it was so predictable. Sorry for your loss

[TimmyC]

You guys are so right... I blocked her number and she called from different number again today saying she didn't really get back with her ex husband she wanted to see how I would react, then she said she loves and cares for me but doesn't want a relationship right now. Is this something out of the twighlight zone. I'm only 24 but this seems a bit immature, is she playing with my head? Guys what do I do, I'm at such a loss

[bluefeather]

You guys are so right... I blocked her number and she called from different number again today saying she didn't really get back with her ex husband she wanted to see how I would react, then she said she loves and cares for me but doesn't want a relationship right now. Is this something out of the twighlight zone. I'm only 24 but this seems a bit immature, is she playing with my head? Guys what do I do, I'm at such a loss

 

oh noooo get away from her. she is lying!!! ahhh! run! red flag red flag!!!

[Latino4Lyfe]

...Yeah man looks like she's trying to feed you breadcrumbs and make you her plan B instead. Don't fall for it, stay away from her. She is bad news.

[PLT]

You guys are so right... I blocked her number and she called from different number again today saying she didn't really get back with her ex husband she wanted to see how I would react, then she said she loves and cares for me but doesn't want a relationship right now. Is this something out of the twighlight zone. I'm only 24 but this seems a bit immature, is she playing with my head? Guys what do I do, I'm at such a loss

 

Just wanted to see how you'd react?!?! That, my friend, is full on, hardcore mind games. This is NOT a nice lady. You are being manipulated.

 

Get yourself as far away from this woman as you can. She is not the one for you. If you fall into her mindf*** trap you will have nothing but pain to come. Have absolutely NO contact with her. If she calls from an unblocked number, just hang up. If she starts getting stalkery, call the police.

 

Oh, and if she loved you and cared for you, she wouldnt be trying to manipulate you. She does not love you. She loves the power you give her over you.

Edited December 20, 2016 by PLT

[TimmyC]

Thank you guys again for helping me through this, it's nice to know that this isn't all in my head. I'm slowly but surely starting to realize she is a dangerous and manipulative woman.

 

She told me to burn the love letters she has written me, I'm guessing that was a last ditch effort to hurt me. And I think I'm going to change my number at this point. It really sucks because this woman was worse than my last ex and we've only dated for four months vs two years. I didn't realize true evil exists until I met this woman. Thank you guys for listening and checking up on me to hear me complain. It's nice to have a support group when I feel so alone.

[PLT]

Thank you guys again for helping me through this, it's nice to know that this isn't all in my head. I'm slowly but surely starting to realize she is a dangerous and manipulative woman.

 

She told me to burn the love letters she has written me, I'm guessing that was a last ditch effort to hurt me. And I think I'm going to change my number at this point. It really sucks because this woman was worse than my last ex and we've only dated for four months vs two years. I didn't realize true evil exists until I met this woman. Thank you guys for listening and checking up on me to hear me complain. It's nice to have a support group when I feel so alone.

 

Many here have been where you are now. Myself included. The break up of my most recent ex was the toughest break up of all, and I'm in my 40's. It lasted 4 years but has been, and still is, so much more difficult than even my longest relationship, which was 12 years, 5 of those married. Mine is a game player and manipulator too, so I speak from experience.

 

The thing I've realised about that sort of person, male or female, is that they simply don't care how much they are hurting you by doing the things they do. There is nothing you can do or say to change their behaviour. All you can do is to protect yourself from it.

 

That means absolutely no contact. Ever.

[bluefeather]

Thank you guys again for helping me through this, it's nice to know that this isn't all in my head. I'm slowly but surely starting to realize she is a dangerous and manipulative woman.

 

She told me to burn the love letters she has written me, I'm guessing that was a last ditch effort to hurt me. And I think I'm going to change my number at this point. It really sucks because this woman was worse than my last ex and we've only dated for four months vs two years. I didn't realize true evil exists until I met this woman. Thank you guys for listening and checking up on me to hear me complain. It's nice to have a support group when I feel so alone.

 

You're not alone! Many people here have been in similar situations too! Just look around lol! I first came here for the same thing - I was hurt and felt alone and needed help too. I learned a lot and am still learning. I know it hurt, but I say keep going. Find someone better who deserves your love!

[TimmyC]

Update:

 

She messaged me again yesterday and we got in a huge fight I finally was able to muster the courage to stand up to her and tell her I'm done with her games and lies and that I deserve better and then she made a comment about how she thought my mother raised me better... And that I'm not a man but just a Boy.

 

It destroyed me to the point I did not speak or reply to her for the rest of the day. Then I get home and order myself some food, I was doing so good not hurting or anything because once she insulted my mother I was done. Then I got the Call...

 

She called me and for whatever reason I awnserd. She was at the Bar upset saying she misses me and needs me back in her life and was sorry for what she did. Like a dumb A... I took her back and then she was texting all these things about missing me and wanting to come see me. An hour goes by then two and three, finally she asks if she can see me tomorrow after work. Well I called her the next morning (Today) and We talked everything was fine then she said she had to take a call, I'm on hold for 20 minutes. Then I finally hang up two hours pass by no call, I called her and no awnser finally I text her to ask if everything was ok and....You won't believe what reply I got...Or maybe you guys will lol

 

She said she can't do "this" anymore. Not even 24 hours and she broke up with me again... I'm so lost and hurt right now. Part of me is starting to resent her especially because of the comment she made about how my mom raised me. I'm emotionally torn right now, guys help what do I do to forget this girl once and for all.

[Redhead14]

Update:

 

She messaged me again yesterday and we got in a huge fight I finally was able to muster the courage to stand up to her and tell her I'm done with her games and lies and that I deserve better and then she made a comment about how she thought my mother raised me better... And that I'm not a man but just a Boy.

 

It destroyed me to the point I did not speak or reply to her for the rest of the day. Then I get home and order myself some food, I was doing so good not hurting or anything because once she insulted my mother I was done. Then I got the Call...

 

She called me and for whatever reason I awnserd. She was at the Bar upset saying she misses me and needs me back in her life and was sorry for what she did. Like a dumb A... I took her back and then she was texting all these things about missing me and wanting to come see me. An hour goes by then two and three, finally she asks if she can see me tomorrow after work. Well I called her the next morning (Today) and We talked everything was fine then she said she had to take a call, I'm on hold for 20 minutes. Then I finally hang up two hours pass by no call, I called her and no awnser finally I text her to ask if everything was ok and....You won't believe what reply I got...Or maybe you guys will lol

 

She said she can't do "this" anymore. Not even 24 hours and she broke up with me again... I'm so lost and hurt right now. Part of me is starting to resent her especially because of the comment she made about how my mom raised me. I'm emotionally torn right now, guys help what do I do to forget this girl once and for all.

 

The title of this thread is: "Left with so many questions". Forget the questions and go straight to the ONE answer: GO NO CONTACT AND STAY THAT WAY FOREVER.