Break up after 3,5 years of a relationship

[blackgalaxy]

Hello everyone,

 

I need a huge bunch of support

 

I don't know where to begin, we've been together for 3,5 years, he means a lot to me and I love him with all my heart, I have never loved anyone this much, I'd do literally everything for him. We were a good couple - no arguments, a lot of understanding, when we met, we instantly clicked. I knew he is the one, I want him for life, I don't want anyone else... he is literally perfect for me, he's a good guy and I became a better person around him. He taught me so much, I don't know what I'd do without him.

 

We met when I lost my job, I have had so much issues and my life was falling apart. He stayed with me even after discovering about my rough past. I knew he loved me and I know he still does. I was wondering many times what that kind of men do with a person like me. I mean, he'd do much, much better... I am not the same person from the past anymore, but still...

 

Our break up wasn't ugly, he kept it classy, so do I. I was calm and very understanding. However, when I woke up today - it became extremely difficult. I have realized what happened and I don't like it at all. I've started panicking, because he was a huge part of my life, we talked about our future, we had so many plans...

 

I always had a lot of attention from men, he handled it pretty well. I knew he was a little bit jealous, but he knew I was not interested in any of those other guys.

6 months ago I put on weight and became very annoying. I provide a healthy lifestyle so I was shocked about this fact. The doctors still don't know what happened to me and I'm tired of all those doctor visitations and check ups. I know I can't give up and I need to find a cause. The thing is, because I'm always tired, I became irritated. I've got mood swings, this whole situation made me depressed. I know I've changed, we stopped having sex, I didn't want to go out anymore, I became so miserable... I started yelling at him for no reason, I stopped going gym, I was very confident and now... I have a very low self-esteem.

 

He admits that he still loves me but he became tired of all this and don't know how to handle it. He mentioned he still will be for me, but need to take a breath. According to his words, I don't try hard enough to change my situation and maybe he is right because I lost hope. I became lazy and sad, unappreciative and nit-picking. I don't blame him he needs a break from me and all this. But I wish he stayed with me instead of quitting.

 

He said he needs a break, but I don't do breaks so we decided to split. I am devastated, he's everything to me, I love him so much, I stare at his picture and can't stop crying. Why do break ups hurt so much?

 

Do you guys think we still have a chance for reconciliation?

Edited December 17, 2016 by blackgalaxy

[DarrenB]

Truth is, you can't really make your partner feel guilty or blame them for your own doings. Regardless of reason, fundamentally it's only up to you to make those changes. He can't do it, he can only support you and guide you to a certain extent, which I'm sure he actually did.

 

You see, I'm not saying you're entirely at fault, but when we probably are, we have a tendency to blame the other person. They can only do so much, before they do in fact get tired, and the relationship seems to be more of a burden than something to maintain and continue. That's probably what he feels it was like in that remainder.

 

There's commitment, and then there's just motivating and staying with someone to a point where you know that actually you're not benefiting from this at all. Relationships are about love of course, but it can't be one-sided. If someone's not pulling their weight or making unnecessary provocations and negativity, then it's not worth fighting for in the long run. Got to do what's best for yourself, essentially.

 

You have a chance for reconciliation, if you get back to how you were and develop from that point onward. Hoping to reconcile, and wait for him to return which he might not, whilst you do nothing but grieve and feel sorry for yourself is not going to help you, period. You need to do your part. If you really care for him, and want the relationship to work and be mended, I suggest you take a long and hard look at yourself, progress yourself and show him you're able to focus and be who he fell in love with.

[blackgalaxy]

I didn't want him to feel guilty and I didn't blame him for my doings. Yes, he tried to support me, that is, for sure a truth. My fault was focusing on myself mostly, I (not intentionaly) forgot about his needs and that was a mistake. I'm sure he wanted to help me, but he didn't know how. I didn't know it myself to be honest. I need to think of what steps I should take to make my situation better and be able to give him what he needs. I really hope we will get back together.

[AT15]

Sounds like a hormonal thing... Have your doctor check you thyroid, ovaries and vitamin d levels.

 

You'll find balance once you find the cause of the drastic change. Don't beat yourself up. But, as hard as it is, you can't depend on someone to make you a better person. That's a solo journey. I'm sure you will find the strength to confront your medical issues.

[blackgalaxy]

I have had my thyroid checked - it is clear, I have a cyst on my left ovary but for some reason my doctor ignored it. I went to another one and I have to check my female sex hormones. I didn't check vitamin D level, I've done the sugar and ferritin level blood test, it came ok. I have leucocytes and CRP level slightly elevated. From the other medical check-ups I have done abdominal ultrasound examination, CAT scan, X-ray, ECG and 24-hour Holter monitoring. I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure but I don't think this causes my condition. This may be the result actually. I'm halfway through.

[Sweetfish]

I didn't want him to feel guilty and I didn't blame him for my doings. Yes, he tried to support me, that is, for sure a truth. My fault was focusing on myself mostly, I (not intentionaly) forgot about his needs and that was a mistake. I'm sure he wanted to help me, but he didn't know how. I didn't know it myself to be honest. I need to think of what steps I should take to make my situation better and be able to give him what he needs. I really hope we will get back together.

 

 

Can you tell us about the personality of your ex.. like what he is like as a person his traits and so on? Also, how long was the breakup

Edited December 17, 2016 by Sweetfish

[blackgalaxy]

Can you tell us about the personality of your ex.. like what he is like as a person his traits and so on? Also, how long was the breakup

 

Well, he's honest, trustworthy, helpful, patient, hard working, loving, caring, he loves his family. He always tries to help, he always gets job done, he cooks, he cleans, he takes care of himself, he's stubborn, confident, responsible, realistic, very attentive, easy-going, optimistic. Like I said, we've never argued, we always talked about our issues. He doesn't like lazy people that don't care about anything, he doesn't like headaches, he likes easy life, no drama. I know I was very problematic, even if it's not really my fault. He was fed up, maybe he wants to give me a wake up call, I don't know. We have been messaging the whole evening yesterday, he asked me how I was and so on. The break up was two days ago.

[whatdeww18]

Wow, I am very jealous of you that you have such a wonderful partner.

So, what I am gathering is that he broke up with you and is wanting you to change and is willing to wait for you?

If he said all this, then I do think there is a chance, but that chance depends on you.

 

I think you need to really recognize that if you don't change, you WILL lose him.

Think about all the amazing things you just said about your partner. Are you going to let life and a few problems stand in the way of possibly being with this guy forever? I sure as hell wouldn't let myself do that.

What I think you should propose is a time of low contact, or no contact, and that you will be working on yourself. Seriously.

 

Start by taking a step back and address all the issues that have caused a rift in YOUR life. Not the relationship. If work is stressing you to the point of it being unhealthy, it may be that you aren't finding a good outlet for the stress. I mean, in this day and age, quitting and finding another job is quite the hassle. If you can do this, I wouldn't oppose it in search of something less stressful. Have you tried exercising, I'm talking daily, to help deal not only with the stress but weight? And with that, have you been directing your stress as being released when exercising? For example, going on the elliptical to lose weight is one thing but going on the elliptical to get out the stress of your boss being down your throat and running extra hard because of it is quite different.

 

For your lashing out, have you not been happy with aspects of your life that you need to communicate to someone? Therapist are expensive and the thought of seeking help from a therapist can seem like much for some. If so, have you realized you haven't been having time for your girl friends where you can get all this off your chest?

 

This is just a sample, but take a BIG step back and really see what you have been doing and has it been healthy? What has been causing all your behavior? Write it down and address them so you can keep this guy. And remember, you are an amazing and beautiful person that needs to find herself again. Sometimes, we also get very dependent on a partner that we just have to take a step back to find our independence and that was all we needed to find.

 

Wishing you the best of luck,

-WhatDEWWWWW

[krich1187]

Wow, I am very jealous of you that you have such a wonderful partner.

So, what I am gathering is that he broke up with you and is wanting you to change and is willing to wait for you?

If he said all this, then I do think there is a chance, but that chance depends on you.

 

I think you need to really recognize that if you don't change, you WILL lose him.

Think about all the amazing things you just said about your partner. Are you going to let life and a few problems stand in the way of possibly being with this guy forever? I sure as hell wouldn't let myself do that.

What I think you should propose is a time of low contact, or no contact, and that you will be working on yourself. Seriously.

 

Start by taking a step back and address all the issues that have caused a rift in YOUR life. Not the relationship. If work is stressing you to the point of it being unhealthy, it may be that you aren't finding a good outlet for the stress. I mean, in this day and age, quitting and finding another job is quite the hassle. If you can do this, I wouldn't oppose it in search of something less stressful. Have you tried exercising, I'm talking daily, to help deal not only with the stress but weight? And with that, have you been directing your stress as being released when exercising? For example, going on the elliptical to lose weight is one thing but going on the elliptical to get out the stress of your boss being down your throat and running extra hard because of it is quite different.

 

For your lashing out, have you not been happy with aspects of your life that you need to communicate to someone? Therapist are expensive and the thought of seeking help from a therapist can seem like much for some. If so, have you realized you haven't been having time for your girl friends where you can get all this off your chest?

 

This is just a sample, but take a BIG step back and really see what you have been doing and has it been healthy? What has been causing all your behavior? Write it down and address them so you can keep this guy. And remember, you are an amazing and beautiful person that needs to find herself again. Sometimes, we also get very dependent on a partner that we just have to take a step back to find our independence and that was all we needed to find.

 

Wishing you the best of luck,

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

To the OP, I agree with much of what is said here. He seems somewhat receptive to seeing the new (or old) you. However you lost yourself, get it back, and I believe that you have a decent chance at reconciliation. If you come back or try to come back with anything less than your best self (or unfortunately, your current self) you are selling the relationship short.

[blackgalaxy]

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it.

 

I have decided to focus on myself, I've started working out and I have changed my every bad eating habit. Additionally, I went to see my doctor again and I've done some more examinations. So I have been diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis. Well, I have been truly shocked.

 

We are back together, he apologized me that he gave up on me, I did apologize him, too. Mostly for letting my illnes to affect him, but he stays very supportive, we're good. Everything goes in the right direction, I remain positive, let's hope that everything will work out.

 

whatdeww18, thank you I love him very, very much