Should I just let him go?

[alicyn]

Long story short, two months ago my guy friend that I've known since college days invited me to a party and introduced me to his roommate.

 

This never happens to me, but it was a like a cupid effect and I had an instant crush on his roommate. A really big crush. The next day I asked my friend to ask him if he'd be interested in going out, and he said yes. I was over the moon excited, and we setup a date to go out.

 

We went on 2 dates and I thought everything was going great. We went out on the town, hung out at my house, and did yoga together. I thought we discovered so many shared interests etc. etc. ....Then he didn't text me for about 5 days straight, and I was wondering why he hadn't asked me out again. He finally texted me and apologized, and said that he was "rusty" from not dating anyone for a long time. I chalked it up to that and let that slide. So we setup the third date.

 

By the 3rd date well one thing led to another and you get the idea. We slept together but I didn't feel guilty about it. He told me that I was beautiful and he even invited me to his work's Christmas party which was 2 weeks away.

 

He texted me almost every day and everything seemed really cool and low pressure. Except the following weekend we were supposed to make plans and he blew me off because he had something else going on. I was extremely upset because I had a nagging feeling that he was avoiding me and didn't want to hang out. I tried to play it cool though and decided to wait it out.

 

Then the weekend after that, he texted me and said he wanted to make plans on Saturday, but not Friday because he was going to my friend's birthday party (his roommate). I was very hurt that he didn't invite me to the party, and I was also upset that our mutual friend didn't invite me either! I could not figure out what the hell was going on.

 

In my anger I sent him a text to the effect of, "I'm not someone that you only see when you are just bored or lazy! I've had enough of this and your attitude!". To this he replied "I totally understand your point of view...". And that was it. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks.

 

For days I've been telling myself that he is a jerk and doesn't care about dating me. I really want to move on from this and start dating someone else, but I'm constantly wondering why this didn't work out. I mean, he was attracted to me and said so, he said I was smart, and we had a lot of shared interests. It made absolutely no sense to fall apart like this.

 

I didn't think I was being clingy or anything, I played it cool as possible. I'm angry that he treated me this way but I still have a crush on him for some stupid reason! Should I just move on or is there a chance that he is still interested? I would like to get some closure on how he feels but how, without being humiliated?

[gulfball]

You deserve to date someone who physically can't wait to see you again. Believe me.

[winny]

Your anger was unnecessary and you pretty much over reacted.

[alicyn]

Your anger was unnecessary and you pretty much over reacted.

 

Yes, I think I did overreact a little. But I was upset for a reason. He basically cancelled plans to see me and then excluded me from that party, which to me is a big signal that he doesn't care. I would just like to know WHY. We had a decent connection and there was physical attraction...why did he walk away so quickly? It drives me mad that I have no idea !

 

Also he is still on my Facebook and he hasn't deleted me, but I wish he would!

[Satu]

snip

 

This never happens to me, but it was a like a cupid effect and I had an instant crush on his roommate. A really big crush. The next day I asked my friend to ask him if he'd be interested in going out, and he said yes. I was over the moon excited, and we setup a date to go out.

 

 

It looks like your interest in him was greater than his in you. "Instant crushes" are very often a one-sided thing.

 

He didn't really do anything wrong.

 

 

Regarding Cupid:

 

 

“Love goes by haps; Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps.”

 

- Much Ado About Nothing – Act 3, Scene 2.

 

 

Take care.

[Nowty V]

Yes .. Just let him go.

 

He is not responsible for your hopes of him.

 

Chalk it down to experience and don't get caught like this again.

 

Examine your motivations, your prejudices, your hopes.

 

Own your life; and feel the warmth of enjoying it

 

Your anger was allowed, but are you angry at him, or yourself?

Edited December 17, 2016 by Nowty V

[winny]

You should be more upset with your college friend for not inviting you rather than this guy. And maybe it was a guys night out or something and they didn't want females... who knows..!! Without knowing you said something harsh.

Guys have known to do much worse and classy and smart women would maintain a dignified silence (which speaks louder and clearer than any words ever can) and move on rather than sending angry messages.

Next time in similar situation keep your cool. If you felt you were intentionally ignored then do you think you being angry about it would accomplish anything?

I have been ghosted many times, ignored, manipulated and played with... much worse than this and if there is something I have learnt is that even in rejection you maintain your standards and dignity. If you were genuine you have nothing to worry.

[loverboy69]

I've learned the hard way about sending angry messages (text,email,voicemail)

 

I no longer send messages out of anger. I just chill and allow myself to calm down because you never know when you're going to say something you regret.

 

I don't blame the guy here. In his mind he might think you're some crazy lady who came off as controlling. You only went on 3 dates at this point and in his mind it's just casual.

 

I don't blame you either. You were just upset and said what was on your mind.

 

Chalk it up as a learning experience. We've all been there. Good luck.

[introverted1]

You already let him go when you sent the angry break-up text, which he accepted without resistance.

 

There's nothing left to do here.

[Redhead14]

Yes, I think I did overreact a little. But I was upset for a reason. He basically cancelled plans to see me and then excluded me from that party, which to me is a big signal that he doesn't care. I would just like to know WHY. We had a decent connection and there was physical attraction...why did he walk away so quickly? It drives me mad that I have no idea !

 

Also he is still on my Facebook and he hasn't deleted me, but I wish he would!

 

Listen, you two were not "officially" a couple, far from it. After only 3 dates, a dating partner wouldn't expect to be invited or part of everything. It doesn't matter that you've been friends for years.

 

He may enjoy spending time with you and be attracted to you, but that doesn't mean he is in love with you, seeing you as the "one" nor does going on three dates mean that it's a relationship or that he owes you anything . . . he simply isn't that closely bonded to you as you may think. That's not his fault, it's not your fault. It is what it is. People can't MAKE themselves want you nor do they flip a switch to decide they don't want you.

 

Your behavior at this point pretty much guaranteed that he would move on. There isn't much you can do to make someone want you, but there are things you can do that would cause them to not want you, that's for sure.

[anika99]

I agree with the other poster. This early in the game you really can't have expectations. 3 dates isn't a relationship, it's still the very early phase of getting to know each other and this early on it should be very chill with no pressure. You sounded like an angry gf in the text you sent him but you're not his gf.

 

Maybe he didn't feel the same spark you did or maybe he just really doesn't want a gf because he likes the freedom of doing what he pleases but he also likes to get laid from time to time. Don't take his rejection personally, it probably has nothing to do with you. However, don't be in too big of a hurry to define a new dating relationship as anything other then having a pleasant time with another person. You should probably have at least 10 dates with someone before you start thinking in relationship terms.

[OatsAndHall]

Yes, I think I did overreact a little. But I was upset for a reason. He basically cancelled plans to see me and then excluded me from that party, which to me is a big signal that he doesn't care. I would just like to know WHY. We had a decent connection and there was physical attraction...why did he walk away so quickly? It drives me mad that I have no idea !

 

Also he is still on my Facebook and he hasn't deleted me, but I wish he would!

 

He probably didn't have the ability to invite you to the party.. And, it's not his obligation to do so even if he did. Plus, he made it clear that he wanted to see you that weekend, he just had other plans on Friday night. To be honest, I wouldn't respond well to that kind of text message, even if I was in a solid relationship with someone.

 

You can wait for him to get a hold of you but I wouldn't hold my breath.

[alicyn]

I agree with the other poster. This early in the game you really can't have expectations. 3 dates isn't a relationship, it's still the very early phase of getting to know each other and this early on it should be very chill with no pressure. You sounded like an angry gf in the text you sent him but you're not his gf.

 

 

I don't agree with this. Yes I was angry, but I did not imply that we were anything more than just dating. If you date someone you deserve to be treated with some respect, and at least want to see the person once a week!

Both times he cancelled plans with me or indicated that he didn't have time for me because he had something else to do - clearly the tables were turned and he had the upper hand. A guy is supposed to chase the woman, not the other way around! I felt this imbalance and called him out on it. I'm not his doormat.

 

I guess it's clear that he wasn't that interested. I wish he would have just told me to my face instead of stringing me along.

 

If he's so arrogant that he can't accept a reactive text message from me after blowing me off, then I don't want him anyway! Good riddance!

[elaine567]

... he didn't text me for about 5 days straight, and I was wondering why he hadn't asked me out again. He finally texted me and apologized, and said that he was "rusty" from not dating anyone for a long time. I chalked it up to that and let that slide.

 

That was your basic mistake right there and then you compounded it by sleeping with a guy who was only lukewarm at best about you.

Don't do that again

[OatsAndHall]

I don't agree with this. Yes I was angry, but I did not imply that we were anything more than just dating. If you date someone you deserve to be treated with some respect, and at least want to see the person once a week!

Both times he cancelled plans with me or indicated that he didn't have time for me because he had something else to do - clearly the tables were turned and he had the upper hand. A guy is supposed to chase the woman, not the other way around! I felt this imbalance and called him out on it. I'm not his doormat.

 

I guess it's clear that he wasn't that interested. I wish he would have just told me to my face instead of stringing me along.

 

If he's so arrogant that he can't accept a reactive text message from me after blowing me off, then I don't want him anyway! Good riddance!

 

Wow..

 

You really need to learn to control your temper. He isn't arrogant: he's an adult. In fact, this post reeks of your own arrogance... A guy is supposed to chase you? The hell with that. He's supposed to be just suck it up and deal with a "reactive text"? The hell with that, times two.. And you actually think there's such a thing as an "upper hand" in a healthy relationship? Strike three.

 

I imagine your the type of woman who has that Marilyn Monroe meme that states "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" on your Facebook page some where. I've got news for you, NO ONE needs to put up with reactive, angry behavior from ANYONE.

 

It's a plus that you've said "good riddance" because he did so a long time ago. And with good reason.

[Redhead14]

I don't agree with this. Yes I was angry, but I did not imply that we were anything more than just dating. If you date someone you deserve to be treated with some respect, and at least want to see the person once a week!

Both times he cancelled plans with me or indicated that he didn't have time for me because he had something else to do - clearly the tables were turned and he had the upper hand. A guy is supposed to chase the woman, not the other way around! I felt this imbalance and called him out on it. I'm not his doormat.

 

I guess it's clear that he wasn't that interested. I wish he would have just told me to my face instead of stringing me along.

 

If he's so arrogant that he can't accept a reactive text message from me after blowing me off, then I don't want him anyway! Good riddance!

 

 

You have quite a "tude" on you. A guy isn't "supposed" to chase a woman and, he certainly won't chase a woman unless he really, really wants her and, a woman doesn't get all pissy with a guy who doesn't chase her and breaks a date with her. She simply decides not to accept anymore dates from him and moves on. Good luck with your entitled dating journey . . .

[smackie9]

He met someone he had more of an interest in.....that would explain why you weren't invited to the party. Your friend didn't want any drama at his party because the dude was bringing a date.

 

After sleeping with you is probably when he met the other girl, and like most cowards, didn't have the ballz to break it off properly. He isn't an idiot, he knew you had expectations, he just chose not to be a man about it.

 

As for communicating, cut out the angry texts. Just be straight forward and ask if he was still interested in seeing you, and if not you are ok with that, just let you know...no drama. If you let them know you are not going to cause trouble, that usually opens the door to honesty.

[Terry8889]

First problem here is that you already gave him the milk and cookies after only 3 dates so the guy lost interest because you cut the excitement of getting to know you short. Guys like to chase and only after 3 dates you not only slept with him already but you also got invested enough to send an angry text as if you were in a solid relationship. You were not even an official gf, what do you expect? He probably thinks he dodged a bullet with you.

[angel.eyes]

I guess it's clear that he wasn't that interested. I wish he would have just told me to my face instead of stringing me along.

 

His actions told you he wasn't that interested even before you slept with him. He never strung you along or hid his intentions. They were clear from his actions. He had blown you off twice at that point. He wasn't "rusty." You were on the backburner while he pursued other options. When they didn't pan out, he reconnected with you, and you opted to sleep with him. Sleeping with him isn't going to get him to change his mind about taking you seriously.

 

He was looking for a casual hookup. You weren't. Next time figure that out up front, and then watch the person's behavior to make sure their actions and words line up.

 

Getting angry with him, when his agenda was pretty consistent the whole time, is a little pointless. Of course you have a right to your emotions, but I don't think they served any purpose here. Instead learn from the experience, so that you don't repeat the same mistake.

Edited December 18, 2016 by angel.eyes

[winny]

First problem here is that you already gave him the milk and cookies after only 3 dates so the guy lost interest because you cut the excitement of getting to know you short. Guys like to chase and only after 3 dates you not only slept with him already but you also got invested enough to send an angry text as if you were in a solid relationship. You were not even an official gf, what do you expect? He probably thinks he dodged a bullet with you.

 

Sleeping with him on the 3rd date is no reason for a guy to treat her bad unless thats what he was after in which case she is better off without him and she dodged a bullet.

Even he gave up his milk and cookies and frankly what remains for the gal to want anymore??? Just that OP was into him as a person... which makes her the better person here.

[HereNorThere]

A more experienced person would have made sure you're on the same page before you sleep together. If he promised you exclusivity, then you'd have a decent argument. Your anger issues arent going to serve you well in the dating world. You need thick skin to make it in this game.

 

Is it wrong for a guy to sleep with a girl that he knows is more into him than he is into her? If he didn't set the record straight first, a little scummy, but it's not complete jerk status. It's a technicality that dudes will use though, so look out for yourself.

 

I do think that sometimes people test potential long term partners for clinger status. Some people have enfulfment fears and need space between interactions for a while. This is something both genders do. If you play it cool, it usually passes and you'll have a clearer picture of where you stand. This guy had already made future plans with you so I'm a little unclear on why you bit his head off?

 

P.S. - Closure is a myth. Digging up Grandma for one last hug isn't going to make you feel better. Let it go and move on.

[winny]

Yes, I think I did overreact a little. But I was upset for a reason. He basically cancelled plans to see me and then excluded me from that party, which to me is a big signal that he doesn't care. I would just like to know WHY. We had a decent connection and there was physical attraction...why did he walk away so quickly? It drives me mad that I have no idea !

 

Also he is still on my Facebook and he hasn't deleted me, but I wish he would!

 

alicyn - Listen to me... and listen good.

 

NO MAN is worthy of you losing your sanity over him. NO MAN.

His actions or inactions should in no way create such turbulence within you. You are into yoga and stuff... find your inner peace. Operate from that place. You are angry because you are linking your sense of self worth with how he treats you or behaves. When you cut this link, you wouldn't care what he does or doesn't. Whether someone invited you to their party or texted you back on time or asked you out or not.... nothing will affect you. You will never react from a place of insecurity. You will only send out vibes of absolute fulfillment within yourself. So for next time --- people will again break you but you learn to react different. Take care. And yes he wasn't worthy of you. Dont giving him so much importance by thinking about "why".

[OatsAndHall]

Sleeping with him on the 3rd date is no reason for a guy to treat her bad unless thats what he was after in which case she is better off without him and she dodged a bullet.

Even he gave up his milk and cookies and frankly what remains for the gal to want anymore??? Just that OP was into him as a person... which makes her the better person here.

 

 

So.... Setting up a date for a Saturday night because he had plans on a Friday is treating her badly? The guy made the effort but the OP threw a tantrum (yes, A TANTRUM) and drove him off. She had no reason nor right to fire off a nasty text. In fact, she wouldn't have a right to send him a polite text in regarding her "frustration" in this situation as he didn't do anything wrong.

[alicyn]

So.... Setting up a date for a Saturday night because he had plans on a Friday is treating her badly? The guy made the effort but the OP threw a tantrum (yes, A TANTRUM) and drove him off. She had no reason nor right to fire off a nasty text. In fact, she wouldn't have a right to send him a polite text in regarding her "frustration" in this situation as he didn't do anything wrong.

 

I'm beating a dead horse at this point, but, I do regret sending that text. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have sent it.

 

But the text wasn't that nasty, and he even acknowledged it as "I understand" which means he knew where I was coming from. If he was really interested he would get over it by now and give it another chance. It's clear that he was waiting for a chance to bail out and I gave it to him (way too easily).

 

Ugh I feel frustrated that I fell for this trap but next time I need to get off cloud nine, and like someone else said, I have to wait 10 dates to figure out where the things truly stand. I never thought it was so complicated.

 

I am still talking to my college friend and I asked him if he said anything to him. My friend said that he hadn't heard a single thing from him regarding us going out. I think it's odd that he's been so secretive about it but whatever, I don't care about figuring it out anymore.

[OatsAndHall]

I'm beating a dead horse at this point, but, I do regret sending that text. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't have sent it.

 

But the text wasn't that nasty, and he even acknowledged it as "I understand" which means he knew where I was coming from. If he was really interested he would get over it by now and give it another chance. It's clear that he was waiting for a chance to bail out and I gave it to him (way too easily).

 

Ugh I feel frustrated that I fell for this trap but next time I need to get off cloud nine, and like someone else said, I have to wait 10 dates to figure out where the things truly stand. I never thought it was so complicated.

 

I am still talking to my college friend and I asked him if he said anything to him. My friend said that he hadn't heard a single thing from him regarding us going out. I think it's odd that he's been so secretive about it but whatever, I don't care about figuring it out anymore.

 

Honestly, I think you need to take a step back and look at your attitude towards men and dating in general. The guy doesn't have to get over anything as he didn't do anything wrong. You didn't fall for any trap: you'd probably still be dating this guy if you had chilled out, wished him well that Friday night and went with him on Saturday. And, he isn't being secretive about anything. He's choosing not to share anything about the two of you with people.