She says she still loves me

[ISeeAPatternHere]

I met this girl at my place of work. We've worked together for about 8 months, but we didn't really become friends until about 3 months ago. We became pretty close, she'd always try to swing past me when I'm cleaning or something and talk for a second or say something to brighten the mood if it was a slow day and not much going on. We started talking a bunch and sort of flirting, but casually. I'd started developing feelings for her, but I could never tell if she was interested in me back since she called everyone her "best friend" and was super chatty with everyone. One of my co-workers one day broke the ice between us and it turns out we'd both been into each other for a while, but never had the nerve to say anything because we didn't want to ruin our friendship.

 

The biggest issue was she still lives with her parents and her parents are super strict and unappreciative towards her. She is always trying her hardest to impress them, but nothing seems to be enough. When it comes to her social life, they lose their minds if she so much as talks to another guy, let alone date him. We got together about a month and a half ago after deciding it was worth it, despite her parents. I took her to lunch whenever I could, we hung out on our breaks at work, but we could never find times to hang out normally because of her parents. I know she never lied about her parents because I've talked to her friends who testify how her parents are (they have a tracking app on her phone and become absolutely livid if her phone dies because they can't track her), and her parents have come into our work and were simply not the most pleasant people to interact with (very demanding, stern, etc.) so I have to say I wholeheartedly believe her.

 

She would tell me about her issues whenever she needed to, even things you wouldn't normally tell most people, so I know she trusted me. I'm an "emotional" guy, you could say. However, with her and some of the things she was going through, I did my best to hide my problems so she wouldn't have to worry. Now, I'm a bad liar. She could always tell when I was just brushing off her "what's wrong?" and would tell me that it was a two-way street. Eventually, I ended up telling her things, but I told her before how awkward it was for me, seeing as how the "manly" thing to do is to bottle it up and truck on, but she expressed how she's always hated that attitude of "manning up". She told me she liked sentimental guys that showed emotion and affection.

 

I have to mention that I've been depressed for several years. I don't much like who I am, I don't have much self-worth, and I don't think I deserve much of what I have. People call me "selfless" because I'm always looking out for others, which is true to an extent, but also I know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless, and do my best to make sure no one else ever has to feel that way. With her, I made sure she knew what she meant to me. People are going to say I got too clingy, however she was the one who would apologize back if she thought she was getting too clingy and I wasn't. I apologized once to her after I had to get something off my chest and said how sorry I was for being emotional and clingy and she said something along the lines of "Are you kidding me right now?

 

You're always there for me when I need it, when I'm breaking down and I'm feeling like the world is going dark. I'm the one dumping all my frustration and sadness on you, and yet you're the one apologizing? If anything I'M the clingy one..." That was the moment I realized that we could both go to each other with things that we really needed to get off our chest, yet I always put her first, watching her mood to see if she was in a good place to be able to listen. Obviously I wasn't going to spill my problems if she herself was not having a great day. I always put her first in that regard. Things were great, other than not being able to spend a lot of time with each other. We were fairly intimate, when we could be... After about a month and a week, she started falling back a bit. (I always made sure I wasn't breaking any boundaries or making her uncomfortable, I made sure I kept that line of communication wide open.)

 

I couldn't figure out what was going on. She wouldn't text me as much (also, her parents closely monitored her phone and text messages, so she kept a secret phone that had a texting app and she connected it to her Wifi for snapchat and texting). I figured this was just because of school at first (taking hard classes that can require upwards of 6 hours a night of homework) and trying to sneak around her parents. After a while, she told me the stress of not being able to spend time was getting to her (and I expressed it got to me at times too, but I wanted to keep trying because I believed in us). She told me she needed time to think and wouldn't even kiss me at that point, only hugs. She said she really wanted to make things work, but after about a week of thinking, she and I talked and she said that what she hid from me was guilt.

 

She had been feeling so guilty what she was putting me through (which was worth it for her, I just haven't expressed why I was into her, that wasn't the topic of this piece), the guilt of sneaking around her parents, and the stress of never being able to spend time with me because she truly did love me. We were comfortable using "love" to describe how we felt about each other. I know it sounds premature, and she mentioned it when she once said to me, "take this however you want, but you're the kind of guy I'd want to marry... The kind of father I'd want my kids to have. You're selfless, always looking out for other people and thinking of them. You're funny, smart, caring, handsome.... (she went on, naming off different occasions where I'd demonstrated these things). Back to the "ending of things", she said it was overwhelming her, as well as her homework weighing her down and work keeping her busy all the time.

 

I told her it wouldn't make things easier on me, but if she really needed to, fine, but I didn't want us to grow apart. She told me that's the last thing she'd let happen. She said that as soon as her parent's recognize what she does for them and let up on her or once she moves out, she wants to get back together. I asked her why she'd move out as soon as she got the chance instead of taking advantage of a rent-situation. Her answer was simple: to spend time with me. She told me she'd move out and get away from her parents in order to be with me. I said okay. My issue is that she is so stuck on pleasing her parents, she's forgotten about the other people in her life. I'm trying hard to figure out if her parents even CAN be pleased, if that makes sense... Anyways, for the first week of us being apart, she's been taking some "space", which is hard because I work with her and I really want to interact with her.

 

She told me the other day that despite how she may act, she truly does still love me, and she tells her friends she does too. She says that sometimes it's just easier for her to push people away, and I told her I didn't want her to do that to me. She just doesn't express it in the way she used to, even pre-relationship. She doesn't try to brighten my mood (and she says that she's bad at showing me she cares, at least right now). I know Christmas is her favorite time of the year, but this Christmas is hard on her for several reasons. Even though she's still in that "I need space" stage, I've been doing my best to find something dorky to brighten her mood (we both enjoy dorky humor) to send her along with a small message letting her know I'm thinking of her and that I believe in her, just every now and then. I don't expect her to reply or engage, I just want her to know I haven't forgotten her or lost interest, because I think she's amazing.

 

I got her a mug with quotes from her favorite writer, Edgar Allen Poe (she's crazy about English literature) along with some of her favorite flavored hot chocolate to compliment the mug. I want to write her a small note saying I hope things are looking up for her, but I know I'm very emotional right now, so I don't want to say too much or too little.

 

I've said so much about her, this "break up" (I hate calling it that because that's a term you use when two people aren't meant to be, and that's not the case I feel. I think we just felt into the best moments of our lives at the worst times) has destroyed me. I'm always thinking, worrying about her. I know she suffers from depression as well as a result of neglect from her parents. I don't want to go too much into detail, because I believe that even in anonymity, that's still confidential, and she's told me it's not something she wants anyone else to know. Anyways, I'm always scared when I'm driving because now I get these sudden urges to floor it and pull a hard left when driving home to crash my car into the sound barrier for the freeway.

 

No one else involved, just me. I tell myself I wasn't enough, that I'm never enough. I tell myself there's something wrong with me, and she used to tell me how amazing I was... Not anymore. I don't want to get over her because that's not the note things ended on. I cry myself to sleep to songs about either it not being worth living or 90's "break up" songs, or love music. I've become a stone wall at work, the one place that used to be super fun and enjoyable for me. Now I'm always lost in thought thinking about how great things were, her laugh, her lips, her hands touching mine....

 

Everything about her personality, our conversations. Even as I write this, I can't contain the cold knot in my chest. I need some serious advice. People say to give her time and space, but what about me? What do I do for her and what do I do for me? I feel like I've lost a huge part of me suddenly, without warning, and for a dumb reason.

 

So my questions are, could she still love me? Why does she do the things she does? Please ask for clarifications if you need some, I've been up all night (6 am and I worked until 2 am last night) and I'm pretty obviously emotional. Also, what should I do for her, and what must I do for me to keep myself from over-analyzing things and not think of myself as worthless in this situation?

Edited December 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added paragraphs, please use them

[smackie9]

After the holidays when family stuff settles down, she will have time to reflect on her life......there's a possibility she will just say f it and make things work with you. You just need to play it kool, be strong, and don't let her see you waver. Stop messaging her, let her come to you....shut off that mushy stuff.

 

The less available you are, the more desirable you become. So don't sweat it. And please never invest your feelings like that...I don't care if you are an "emotional" guy....snap out of it. She is just a girl, there are others out there you can and will meet that will be more amazing than she is. If you think like that you will survive anything.

[Sweetfish]

After the holidays when family stuff settles down, she will have time to reflect on her life......there's a possibility she will just say f it and make things work with you. You just need to play it kool, be strong, and don't let her see you waver. Stop messaging her, let her come to you....shut off that mushy stuff.

The less available you are, the more desirable you become. So don't sweat it. And please never invest your feelings like that...I don't care if you are an "emotional" guy....snap out of it. She is just a girl, there are others out there you can and will meet that will be more amazing than she is. If you think like that you will survive anything.

 

hope he follows thru as most don't