It Feels Like We Broke Up, But We Were Never Dating

[JB4]

Here's the situation: I work at a place year-round (I don't want to go into too much detail on this part), and this guy I have befriended works for an outside organization that uses our facility from November-April.

 

Last year was my first year working there and we would talk occasionally/always greet each other. This summer we started texting each other. Things were about getting to know each other/flirty. We made a couple of bets which resulted in us going to eat together and talking for an hour each time. I feel like I conveyed my interest enough to the point where he would know that I was, but I also tend to shy away from in-person flirting and being touchy. which he was with me the first time we went to eat together. Neither of those times was a date in my mind. The 2nd time we went to eat, he had put it off for a month or so. We didn't go right away the first time, either. As I said, it was a friend thing even though I liked him. We finally went and both agreed that we had a great time. He asked a lot of questions about me, made it a point to sit where we had sat the time before, and the banter and eye contact between us was good. He made it a point to tell me how much he trusted me, how positive I was, how great at conversation I am, and was amazed by how I really know what I want in life.

 

That 2nd time eating together was right when he had started working at the place I work again. Things kind of went downhill from there. We have gotten into a couple little arguments about things. He texted me to set up a meeting for them one night, and I the next time I saw him in person, I asked if he would email me from now on. He got mad and walked away, but ignored my text asking him to talk to me before he left so I could explain further. He apparently didn't get the text until after he left, and then told me to "chill out about it." The next day we were fine. We have had a couple other moments of misunderstanding between us since then, and usually we are just fine the next time we see each other.

 

I am awkward with flirting. He would say something flirty and I would sort of laugh about it and that was it, during his first couple of weeks off. A couple weeks ago, we were texting and he mentioned that he thought I would be surprised by how many of his coworkers know my name (his brother being one of them). Last week, I brought it up again via text and asked if I should be worried. He said I shouldn't be. Then we got to talking and I asked him what he does on the weekends now. He told me that he hangs out with his girlfriend and other friends. I was in complete shock. He had never mentioned a girlfriend to me or anyone else that i work with (they talk to him often. It's a casual workplace). I still don't know if that was his made up way of saying he isn't interested or if he actually has one. I also work with his roommate who has made no indication of him having a GF. I may have made a cutting remark while I was upset, and he said I need to accept it and move on, and to not be unhappy. I said I was disappointed and that I would not apologize for having the feelings that I had (this was the first time it was said outright to him that I had feelings for him). He said I had every right to be disappointed, but that I always get mad at him when I don't get my way or get what I want. I told him he is the same way and that he tends to be not straightforward.

 

That night at work, he came in and looked right at me (like usual). I turned away to ignore him and he just walked the other way. He left without looking at me or saying goodbye. This past Tuesday, he came in and said "Hi, J" I waved a stiff wave, and did not smile. He left and said "Have a goodnight, J." and I gave him the same wave and no smile. During those times, he had been walking with one of his female coworkers and he touched her on the shoulder right in front of me (as he had done to me when we were at dinner together) as if to make me jealous. Tonight, he came in and said "How's it going?" but it sounded like he was saying it to someone he barely knew. I said good and asked him how he was. On his way out, he stopped in front of the doorway to say something to one of his buddies. Meanwhile, another of his buddies kept glancing my way. They both left without saying a word to me. He also dd not even look at me while leaving.

 

I am confused on what to do. I feel like it is my fault we got into mini-tiffs about things, but we both are to blame. It feels like we broke up, even though we never dated. I don't want to lose him from my life, and I have started to come to terms with the fact that he doesn't see me as more than....a friend, at best. At this point, I am more upset about the seeming loss of the friendship, but I also need to cope with my feelings and hurt that I have. I go back and forth between wanting to talk to him and wanting to ignore him. I am not initiating any further texts or conversations at this point. What would be the best way to handle a situation like this? I know I need to move on from having interest in him, but i also do not want us to act like we despise each other, and it feels like a catch-22. Any input i could get would be so helpful

[Gloria25]

Don't get involved with people you work with...period.

[JB4]

Yeah, I learned that the hard way. However, it is a very casual and non-career/professional workplace.

 

I just want to know how to handle these feelings of rejection/knowing that he has a supposed GF that nobody else knows about while still trying to keep things good between us. I don't know if I should ignore him for now, but hurt my own feelings in the process? Let him take the lead on any interactions between us? Try to talk to him at work? I need to move on, but at the same time I want to maintain the friendship that we had between us. I cannot interact with him the same anymore, assuming that he is telling me the truth about having a gf. I just don't want it to stop hurting and to stop being awkward when it was good just a few weeks ago. I'm a little hurt that immediately after telling me about this girl, that I need to move on and accept it. He's right, but maybe he just doesn't care about my feelings. I'm stuck :/

[LookAtThisPOst]

Don't get involved with people you work with...period.

 

Actually, he wasn't a co-worker, he had a diff. employer which makes it less of a problem.

 

For instance, I recall cute women that would come to our window...they were just gophers for a contrator, nothing more...they were just dropping off and picking up permits. That's an example of when it's okay to date them

[Gloria25]

Actually, he wasn't a co-worker, he had a diff. employer which makes it less of a problem.

 

For instance, I recall cute women that would come to our window...they were just gophers for a contrator, nothing more...they were just dropping off and picking up permits. That's an example of when it's okay to date them

 

Even if they have a different employer, if they have to interact with your employer, business location, etc. - it still can cause problems.

 

Let's say you have a falling out with one of those "gophers for a contractor". They might go to your employer and report you because while you don't work for the same employer, they gotta come to your place of business to pick up/drop off their permits and may see you as a problem to/for them.

[Gloria25]

Yeah, I learned that the hard way. However, it is a very casual and non-career/professional workplace.

 

I just want to know how to handle these feelings of rejection/knowing that he has a supposed GF that nobody else knows about while still trying to keep things good between us. I don't know if I should ignore him for now, but hurt my own feelings in the process? Let him take the lead on any interactions between us? Try to talk to him at work? I need to move on, but at the same time I want to maintain the friendship that we had between us. I cannot interact with him the same anymore, assuming that he is telling me the truth about having a gf. I just don't want it to stop hurting and to stop being awkward when it was good just a few weeks ago. I'm a little hurt that immediately after telling me about this girl, that I need to move on and accept it. He's right, but maybe he just doesn't care about my feelings. I'm stuck :/

 

It's hard to be friends with someone who has someone already (even if they're making it up). I've tried that and you end up getting hurt.

 

I say be "friendly"...like, if he's walking by, give him the greeting of the day and maybe a quick "How's your day/weekend/etc?"...but don't seek him out.

 

If/when he wants more - don't worry, he'll come to you. Even with the shyest guys, when they are ready, they make the effort to come your way.

 

In the meantime, I know you're hurting cuz I'm hurting from a dude too, but if you push it you're gonna push him a way and remember, he HAS someone (and even if he's making it up - he's doing it for a reason, like him not being ready to date now), so you can't force him to make a decision. If one day they fall out, then ok, let HIM, come to you when he's single and available. Cuz really, being "friends" with him right now isn't bad to get to know each other, but you're getting hurt cuz you want more and it's putting him in an awkward position to be untrue to his SO. If one day he's single and available - you two can date and even open up more without the pressures and awkwardness of him already having someone.

 

So, also in the meantime, don't hold your breath. You have to be ready to accept that he just might not come back your way. So, cry, grieve and be "friendly", but stop pursuing him.

 

Well wishes

[JB4]

Thanks, Gloria.

 

It is hard not to get my hopes up, but I know that moving on for now is my best option. I hate to say it, but it seems like my interest will never go away or may linger for some time. I will certainly miss my random chats at work with him, because I feel like even that would be crossing over the line. It will certainly hurt for some time, but I will just have to do my best to be friendly while keeping a distance.

 

Is it wrong of me to not say hi first if he doesn't greet me? It certainly hurts if he ignores me when he leaves or comes in (he would not have ignored me just a couple of weeks ago), but I am wondering if maybe I should be saying hi or bye first sometimes, or maybe he just doesn't care enough. I am guessing he realizes that I may be taking it pretty hard, and is maybe trying to give me time and space to work through these feelings...but in my overthinking mind, it makes it seem like he hates me.

[Gloria25]

Thanks, Gloria.

 

It is hard not to get my hopes up, but I know that moving on for now is my best option. I hate to say it, but it seems like my interest will never go away or may linger for some time. I will certainly miss my random chats at work with him, because I feel like even that would be crossing over the line. It will certainly hurt for some time, but I will just have to do my best to be friendly while keeping a distance.

 

Is it wrong of me to not say hi first if he doesn't greet me? It certainly hurts if he ignores me when he leaves or comes in (he would not have ignored me just a couple of weeks ago), but I am wondering if maybe I should be saying hi or bye first sometimes, or maybe he just doesn't care enough. I am guessing he realizes that I may be taking it pretty hard, and is maybe trying to give me time and space to work through these feelings...but in my overthinking mind, it makes it seem like he hates me.

 

Oh gosh, where do I begin?

 

In my situation, I don't know if I can ever speak to him again cuz I still don't know what he wants and if I can trust him again. I also wonder what would "I" do if like you, I see him? Should I say "hi" first and get into trouble or leave it up to him to make that move. And, if he makes the move, then I'm still scared to respond to him, cuz again, don't know if he wants me and/or even wants to speak to me anymore.

 

I mean, he said "sorry", but I don't trust him yet. I don't know what to do. Also, I miss our chats too and hope that in the future, I could simply have chatted with him dI'm really hurting all over. Hurting cuz of the loss of our friendship; and, hurting cuz someone I thought I trusted and was getting close to me - could do something to hurt me like this.

 

I'm not sure if he's taking a breather - as I am too. If I don't think I'll say "hi" to him until I clarify what he did/said that got me into trouble and what he wants. Cuz, he already is capable of probably letting me say "Hi', then turn on me again.

 

In your case, I say, before you be the first one to greet him with something as simple as a "Hi", look at him, look at body language...hopefully if you can get a read on him, then yes, say "Hi" and smile. I don't think someone can take a professional/realistic "greeting of the day and spin it into you harassing him; and, hopefully you saying "Hi" isn't interpreted by him as you getting on one knee and proposing marriage to him. I mean, it's polite and professional to give the greeting of the day.

 

Take care and well wishes

[preraph]

You can't really resolve it. You just have to refocus yourself. Sorry you're feeling so bad about it. Hope you'll stay busy with friends and just meet someone new and forget about it. That's best. Good luck.