Sexless marriage

[Mr. Lucky]

she declared that she does not want to engage in any sexual intercourse as she does not enjoy. I was hurt and told her. i felt rejected. But i thought it will change after some time. but it hasn't. This is going on for last 10 months now. I suggested medical treatment, which she refuses as there is cancer history in her family. She wants me to 'adjust'. In short, go through the pain till my libido ends (does that ever happen to a man?).

 

You've gotten some good advice but I wanted to be clear on the issue. Does her refusal - and your angst - center around intercourse? Is she willing to be involved in - and are you willing to accept - manual and/or oral sex?

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

1. Always focus on the team.

 

2. Share your feelings and ask her for solutions. Engage her. Listen.

 

3. Don't issue ultimatums. This is not to be confused with inaction. Take action, yes, but refrain from 'unless xxx, I xxx'. No threats.

 

On the medical stuff, unless you already have legal authority to discuss her medical condition, become conversant with HIPAA and how it can impact the doctor stuff for spouses. I ran into this as a caregiver and learned how it can apply to spouses too.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks. I have started forming a strategy. First, doctor. Second, direct talk. third, may be papers. Hope it wont go that far.

 

This sounds like a solid plan to me. Hold yourself to it. Good luck.

[lostlover99]

Exceptional post! Please take note of it OP.

 

As someone who was married for 20 years and spent about 8 of those completely sexless because, like your wife, my husband made the decision for the both of us that sex was no longer important, I can tell you that it WILL taint EVERYTHING in your life the longer this continues.

 

I remained faithful to my husband until the bitter end despite having had plenty of opportunity and desires to stray if only for sex. I'm glad I didn't because I don't think I could have lived with myself especially since I still loved my husband but it was HELL to be rejected over and over again when all you want to do is connect physically with the one person you chose to spend the rest of your life with.

 

I still get emotional thinking about that time of my life.

 

I just want to tell you that it doesn't matter what you do to save this aspect of your marriage because if your wife isn't on board and on the same page about safeguarding your marriage, it won't work. Trust me. It's that simple.

 

At the VERY least, you need to sit down and have a very brutal and very honest conversation with your wife and see how she responds. Hopefully she'll realizes just how serious this issue is in terms of how vulnerable your marriage will become if she continues to choose to ignore the potential threat and refuses to work with you on making this aspect of your life better.

 

If not, you will be faced with some extremely difficult decisions to make regarding your relationship. I came face to face with it and I chose to end my marriage as a result. It was a very painful decision but one that had to be made and I have no regrets about it today.

 

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks. Since you are a woman who has/had been married for 20 years, I have a question for you. This is the question which bugs me all the time and have no idea who can answer.

 

A person invests 30+ years in a relationship, stays in love, stays dedicated, loyal and truthful, works hard to make his spouse happy, makes sure his kids get best education and settle and start their lives debt free, sacrifices all his personal desires to make his family happy, behaves nicely in spite going through several pressures in professional life. Basically takes all the **** in the world to make sure his family is in good shape. Doesn't his wife get that? Yes, I am not Elan Musk or Larry Ellison, dont have billions etc. but still can afford a good life style in a place like California. Isn't my character worth billions? Isn't that a desirable quality for women?

[lostlover99]

You're in a tough position. Is there any affection or other intimacy in your marriage, or is it just the sex that is gone? If she is still affectionate and wants that contact, deny it to her, completely, so she may get some idea of how rejection feels. Then, you may be able to negotiate for some kind of sexual intimacy - it probably won't be truly satisfying, but may be sufficient to preserve the marriage. If there is NO real affection from her, then I see only two escalating options:

 

 

1) negotiate an open marriage, so you can get your needs met elsewhere, guilt-free (whether this be via escorts or non-professionals you meet some other way), and if that does not work

2) divorce

 

 

I prefer option 2, as it provides you total guiltless freedom to live your life as you wish, and it frees you to find someone else - many of your best prospects would be put off by you being married, so it's best to NOT be married.

 

 

Option 1 can work if you can readily find partners who are accepting of your marital status. Eventually, you may still meet someone for whom you develop feelings, and that could lead to divorce anyway.

 

I tried giving cold shoulder ... I guess it hurt me also, along with her.

 

Option 1 is complicated. I dont know how to have 'sex' only relationship or arrangement (Pro is not my cup of tea). And since I have never indulged in casual sex, I tend to think it is just a fantasy. I mean, I have no clue how to even approach a woman for a one night stand.

 

I am fully aware of option 2. there are tons of good women out there who would jump on me just because I am a good husband material. Whats the point? I am a good husband even now. That does not put my wife on fire. What are the chances that other women, after couple of years, will continue to give me the pleasures I seek?

[lostlover99]

There have been many good insights and suggestions thus far in this thread.

 

You have expressed your concerns to her and she basically said this is how it is and how it is going to be and that you are just going to have to live with her no longer wanting to have a sex life with you.

 

Here are the possible options of how you live with it -

 

- suck it up and live a life as roommates and spank to porn a lot.

 

- negotiate some kind of open marriage where you get your sexual needs met outside the marriage with her knowledge and consent.

 

- get your needs met outside the marriage without her knowledge and consent.

 

- divorce and go on the dating market.

 

All of those have their own advantages and disadvantages.

 

All of those options are viable. Yet all will also have an associated cost and risk vs benefit ratio.

 

What I would urge is that you make whatever will be the best solution for YOU.

 

She has kind of lived her life and was a good wife and mother and now just wants to do her own things and play with the grandkids.

 

You are the one that still has the zest for life and wants to have a love and sex life. That means that one way or another, that love and sex life will be without her as she no longer wants one with you.

 

She probably still wants to maintain her lifestyle and stay in the marital home and have cocktail parties with your established marital friends.

 

That is what she stands to lose if you leave.

 

You stand to lose your sexuality and your romance and intimacy and passion if you stay.

 

My suggestion is do what is best for you as she has chosen her path and there for must accept the risks associated with that path.

 

That is a nice consolidation. Not very exciting future in any case. Thanks a ton though. It has definitely helped me bringing some clarity by all the posts here. Appreciate your time and advice.

[carhill]

OP, regarding the investment thing, a marriage is a partnership that can change or end at any time. Sure, for some folks, they're holding their spouse's hand when they die after a life long marriage. Heck, some even die themselves shortly thereafter. However, plenty of others change their mind for any reason, or no reason at all. Both men and women are independent entities and neither are beholden to anyone any more or for any length of time beyond what they choose.

 

Scary version? Your apparently sex-eschewing wife could meet someone tomorrow, all of a sudden enjoy sex again and file for divorce next week and never look back nor care if you live or die. People do it every day. There's billions of us and none are important in the big picture of the planet even though we might think we are. We're all disposable and mortal.

 

You had some good times, apparently had/have a family, and enjoyed/enjoy love and companionship. Those are pretty cool gifts. Long on the other side now, I remember the good times from my past M as the gifts of life they were, just like life's other gifts. Gifts, not guarantees. Cherished without defining the totality of life. Each day is a new beginning.

[lostlover99]

You've gotten some good advice but I wanted to be clear on the issue. Does her refusal - and your angst - center around intercourse? Is she willing to be involved in - and are you willing to accept - manual and/or oral sex?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hmmmm ... good question .... to be very frank with you, dont know but I suspect if she would jump on me after I suggest

[lostlover99]

OP, regarding the investment thing, a marriage is a partnership that can change or end at any time. Sure, for some folks, they're holding their spouse's hand when they die after a life long marriage. Heck, some even die themselves shortly thereafter. However, plenty of others change their mind for any reason, or no reason at all. Both men and women are independent entities and neither are beholden to anyone any more or for any length of time beyond what they choose.

 

Scary version? Your apparently sex-eschewing wife could meet someone tomorrow, all of a sudden enjoy sex again and file for divorce next week and never look back nor care if you live or die. People do it every day. There's billions of us and none are important in the big picture of the planet even though we might think we are. We're all disposable and mortal.

 

You had some good times, apparently had/have a family, and enjoyed/enjoy love and companionship. Those are pretty cool gifts. Long on the other side now, I remember the good times from my past M as the gifts of life they were, just like life's other gifts. Gifts, not guarantees. Cherished without defining the totality of life. Each day is a new beginning.

 

Letting go anything is the toughest thing one can do .... I understand

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thanks. Since you are a woman who has/had been married for 20 years, I have a question for you. This is the question which bugs me all the time and have no idea who can answer.

 

A person invests 30+ years in a relationship, stays in love, stays dedicated, loyal and truthful, works hard to make his spouse happy, makes sure his kids get best education and settle and start their lives debt free, sacrifices all his personal desires to make his family happy, behaves nicely in spite going through several pressures in professional life. Basically takes all the **** in the world to make sure his family is in good shape. Doesn't his wife get that? Yes, I am not Elan Musk or Larry Ellison, dont have billions etc. but still can afford a good life style in a place like California. Isn't my character worth billions? Isn't that a desirable quality for women?

 

I feel your pain. I felt the same way myself as a woman, wife, mother and lover.

 

I've shared my story a few times on here already. The rejection, especially after years of it and me trying everything and anything to capture my husband's attention, wreaked serious havoc on my self esteem and self worth.

 

Thankfully I was smart enough to seek counselling even if it was for just me (my husband despised marriage counselling). I knew I needed to try and make sense of all of this and maybe even make peace especially after spending YEARS blaming myself for not being good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, sexy enough, just enough period, for my husband.

 

I've done a TON of work on myself even long after I left my husband and although I've come a very long way in building back up my my self esteem and self worth, I still struggle sometimes and can be triggered by certain things that bring me right back to feeling unworthy again.

 

It's a hard thing to come to terms with and overcome when you still love your partner.

 

 

I can tell you that my ex and I managed to have a very honest and open conversation after our divorced was signed. He didn't want the divorce but didn't exactly fight me on it either. He cried to me and apologized over and over again for not realizing just how important sexual intimacy was to our marriage, to any marriage. He said he should have gone to marriage counselling like I begged him to and work much harder at fixing and keeping our marriage together.

 

Hearing him say those things was bittersweet but it changed nothing at that point. It was far too late. It gave me closure necessary for me to move on from him and carve out a life of my own and on my own terms.

Edited December 16, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[Mr. Lucky]

Isn't my character worth billions? Isn't that a desirable quality for women?

 

Unfortunately, not a relevant question. You don't want the affection of women, you want a specific woman. You'll have to deal with the fact her agenda is different than yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Noirek]

The fact she outright told you sex is over and she wasn't going to find a way to fix it speaks volumes. She has taken full control of that part of your life and locked you out.

 

I think you need to be just as direct back. You still want to have sex with your wife. You want to find a way through doctors and therapy to make it happen again. You guys are standing on opposite sides.

 

I would reconsider asking her to open the marriage. If anything, it may slap her awake. This is on her and her unwillingness to seek help.

 

I would also consider doing the dread ultimatium. I think it is okay when you are dealing with someone who has taken taken something off the table with no willingness to discuss.

 

Its killing your marriage like cancer. I understand you don't want divorce but this isn't a season she is going through. This is her saying sex is done forever. And that is dark and depressing.

[hannahph]

First of all, I am sorry you have been put in this situation. Sex is a big part of marriage and intimacy. I do not think turning to porn or adultery will do anything but hurt you. Also, threatening her with divorce papers will only drive her further away emotionally. It sounds like you really love and care for her, at least you both have become more healthy and fit haha! But seriously, I think you need to sit her down and communicate how important sex is not for lust and release, but for love and communion with each other. I know there are times I did not want to have sex, but I wanted to do something for my husband, and ended up enjoying it when I was open. Try to be empathetic and think if you didn't want to and only she did, putting yourself in her shoes. Maybe compromising to not have sex as often could be an option, like every few weeks or so? But cutting it out completely is hurtful and a bit selfish. Best of luck!

[dichotomy]

Physical pain? Less Desire to engage in sexual activity? These are the common traits in a post menopausal women, as I have researched. And she does hold hands and kiss. My dog also does the same whenever he sees me.

 

Her affectionate gestures adds more to my frustration and resentment. Hope you understand what I am trying to say.

 

Let me reverse it for ya - you suffer medical induced ED, heck maybe prostate cancer gets your prostate (but not your life) and it kills the nerves down there, or they give you drugs to suppress your testosterone to treat the cancer. Or you fall down a flight of stairs and your lower disc severs and below the waste your gone - paraplegic . Now your wife cries and says she misses sex with you -has needs - wants an O - what do you do ? Your peckers gone out of action.

 

Hell _ for my love - I know what I do - I go down on her with my mouth - or use my hands and fingers to get her off, buy a bunch of amazing toys and use them on her, or just hold her and kiss her while she does her self smiling with joy and telling her how sexy and amazing she is - recalling all those sexy past times we had - help her still have orgasms even if I can't - because she is my damn wife and I am going to take care of her !

 

I suspect you would do the same for your wife..... wouldn't you ?

 

Well she wont.

 

 

My wife still wants hugs and kisses and foot rubs - while saying no to me in the bedroom. She tries to hug and kiss me and hold my hand. I have lost interest in that -and now she feels rejected.

 

I understand you.

Edited December 16, 2016 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

Thanks. Since you are a woman who has/had been married for 20 years, I have a question for you. This is the question which bugs me all the time and have no idea who can answer.

 

A person invests 30+ years in a relationship, stays in love, stays dedicated, loyal and truthful, works hard to make his spouse happy, makes sure his kids get best education and settle and start their lives debt free, sacrifices all his personal desires to make his family happy, behaves nicely in spite going through several pressures in professional life. Basically takes all the **** in the world to make sure his family is in good shape. Doesn't his wife get that? Yes, I am not Elan Musk or Larry Ellison, dont have billions etc. but still can afford a good life style in a place like California. Isn't my character worth billions? Isn't that a desirable quality for women?

 

This is the trap countless husbands fall into.

 

Those things you mentioned above make you a good person and a great husband and father and good productive member of society.

 

But they do not make you hot and sexy and they do not necessarily make anyone horny for you.

 

Sure you could pull the, "...you owe me!.." card and she could take off her clothes and spread her legs and let you masturbate with her body to keep you from dumping her. .....but is that really what you want?? You don't seem like that kind of person to me.

 

Sexual attraction and desire are free-standing entities that don't necessarily have anything to do with someone's goodness or depth of character. Want proof of that? Look at all the women that want to hook up with Charles Manson and Tex Watson and David Ramirez et al in prison. Those are horrible people and yet they make women's jay-jays drip.

 

You being a successful man and a good husband, father and citizen make you a good man, husband, father and citizen. But won't make her desire you sexually if she doesn't.

[oldshirt]

Thanks. I have started forming a strategy. First, doctor. Second, direct talk. third, may be papers. Hope it wont go that far.

 

That is a good plan.

 

I suggest you check out the books and website by author and blogger Athol Kay. His book "Married Man Sex Life Primer," Lays out a much similar plan.

 

His books and blogs and forums are all about married men getting their sexy back and trying to regain their wive's sexual attraction to them.

 

Some people are success, some are not.

 

The basic premise of Athol Kay's plan is to improve yourself to the point that any other woman of equal or greater status of your wife will find you desirable (but not so that you can cheat).

 

Then once you are at a point where you can replace her, then you clearly state your discontent and lay out exactly what kind of marital life you want to have and give her the option of stepping up to the plate and meeting your expectations, or of moving on without her and leaving her behind while you start a new life with someone(s) else.

 

From your description, you are already at a point where you could likely date a number of attractive and sexy women many years younger than your wife without much effort. She is in fact quite replaceable. You are already at a point where you could give her options and if she chooses an option that is not acceptable to you, you could walk away or bring home women to bang in the spare bedroom while she listens. (I'm not suggesting anyone would do such a thing of course, just saying that you have many different options at this point)

 

For her, seeing a doctor and seeing if hormone replacement therapy is an option or not is a very viable first step for her.

 

Some women miss their declining mojo very much and eagerly seek HRT in hopes of restoring some of their previous libido and mojo.

 

Your wife on the otherhand sounds like she perfectly content to see your sex life fading out of view from the rearview mirror. If that is the case she may not seek medical attention and even if she were to go on HRT, it may not effect her desire for you at all.

 

(there is even a very real risk she may get her mojo back but her horniness will benefit some other guy instead of you)

 

So bottom line is your plan is valid, but you need to ready to deal with her choosing not address the issue, and ready to deal with if she is simply no longer interested in a sex life with you regardless of what is said or done.

 

And of course, none of this can be idle threats or simple huffing and puffing and chest-thumping. If you threaten to leave her and she calls your bluff and you don't take action, then she simply owns you and you become her footrub boy and live the rest of your days as an emasculated puppy dog.

 

You actually have to be ready, willing and able to actually pack your stuff and move on before you even bring that up as an option. Anything else is just being a slimy, manipulative worm and if she calls your bluff, you are done for.

[dichotomy]

 

(there is even a very real risk she may get her mojo back but her horniness will benefit some other guy instead of you)

 

 

Very often (but not always) the case - after divorce the woman suddenly finds her mojo again or engage in certain activities that were off the menu in marriage.

 

But I have also talked to people who have said their low sex spouse continued to be low sex as a single person. If I divorced over low or no sex marriage - I think I would prefer to find this was the case.

 

\

[road]

Very often (but not always) the case - after divorce the woman suddenly finds her mojo again or engage in certain activities that were off the menu in marriage.

 

But I have also talked to people who have said their low sex spouse continued to be low sex as a single person. If I divorced over low or no sex marriage - I think I would prefer to find this was the case.

 

\

 

 

 

Does not matter what a wife does after the divorce for the husband is not married to her at that point.

[elaine567]

... she declared that she does not want to engage in any sexual intercourse as she does not enjoy.

 

Why doesn't she enjoy?

Did she say why?

Did she ever really enjoy sex?

 

Menopause does not necessarily mean the death of sex, something else is going on here.

 

Very few will decide to give up totally on something they basically like doing.

 

Some just use the menopause as an excuse, to get out of having to put up with unsatisfying sex, or get out of having sex with men they are no longer attracted to... etc. etc.

The menopause can also give some the courage to say they are actually low drive/no drive and that they only did it FOR HIM in the first place and now they would rather not - for all sorts of reasons.

For some married women it is really no skin off her nose to give him "what he wants", even if she is not 100% in, even if she doesn't like doing it all that much, but add in a bit of discomfort, some health concerns, some resentment, some life stresses, and sex may seem a trivial need, even an immature need.

"My mother is dying here, and YOU want a BJ, grow up!"

 

In her fifties, women start dealing with life and death issues, ageing parents, dead people, ill people, her own mortality, the death of her 'fertility'... it is all very serious stuff, sex is then put on the back burner.

She is also dealing with her own ageing, society tends not to be particularly kind to the older woman, especially as regards sex. A "trying to be sexy" 50+ woman is often seen as a figure of derision or disgust...

 

She also goes through the empty nest, the stresses of parenthood, the responsibility for the whole family often lands squarely on her shoulders, she is the one they come crying to, the one they get angry with when life goes pear-shaped, she is the one the ageing parents and grandchildren are dumped on.

To cap it all her ovaries let her down too, and she feels like "c..." and she thinks she looks like "c..." too.

She shuts down the sex a bit, she then rather likes being "left alone", and one day she goes "no more", she reaches her tipping point.

 

Of course not all women are like this, some sail through the menopause, some just love sex no matter their age, they are completely confident in their sexuality, and some will always fully investigate different ways to get round the "issues" that come with ageing for men and for women. They are determined to provide a satisfying sex life for themselves and their partner.

[oldshirt]

Why doesn't she enjoy?

Did she say why?

Did she ever really enjoy sex?

 

Menopause does not necessarily mean the death of sex, something else is going on here.

 

Very few will decide to give up totally on something they basically like doing.

 

Some just use the menopause as an excuse, to get out of having to put up with unsatisfying sex, or get out of having sex with men they are no longer attracted to... etc. etc.

The menopause can also give some the courage to say they are actually low drive/no drive and that they only did it FOR HIM in the first place and now they would rather not - for all sorts of reasons.

For some married women it is really no skin off her nose to give him "what he wants", even if she is not 100% in, even if she doesn't like doing it all that much, but add in a bit of discomfort, some health concerns, some resentment, some life stresses, and sex may seem a trivial need, even an immature need.

"My mother is dying here, and YOU want a BJ, grow up!"

 

In her fifties, women start dealing with life and death issues, ageing parents, dead people, ill people, her own mortality, the death of her 'fertility'... it is all very serious stuff, sex is then put on the back burner.

She is also dealing with her own ageing, society tends not to be particularly kind to the older woman, especially as regards sex. A "trying to be sexy" 50+ woman is often seen as a figure of derision or disgust...

 

She also goes through the empty nest, the stresses of parenthood, the responsibility for the whole family often lands squarely on her shoulders, she is the one they come crying to, the one they get angry with when life goes pear-shaped, she is the one the ageing parents and grandchildren are dumped on.

To cap it all her ovaries let her down too, and she feels like "c..." and she thinks she looks like "c..." too.

She shuts down the sex a bit, she then rather likes being "left alone", and one day she goes "no more", she reaches her tipping point.

 

Of course not all women are like this, some sail through the menopause, some just love sex no matter their age, they are completely confident in their sexuality, and some will always fully investigate different ways to get round the "issues" that come with ageing for men and for women. They are determined to provide a satisfying sex life for themselves and their partner.

 

Elaine brings up many good points and there is probably a lot of truth to all of this.

 

But when you compare all of this to a 50something man, 9 guys out 10 will say, "I still feel like I did in my 20s/30s etc.

 

I will turn 53 in a couple months and while I don't have the wind to do any hard jackhammer thrusting for a long time like I used to and it takes a little more stimulation to bring me to full erection and it takes more time to recharge between orgasms these days, I can sincerely say that my interests, desires and over all sexdrive are basically the same as they were 20 and even 30 years ago.

 

Both of my parents got sick and died within two months of each other a few years ago - I still wanted to make love to my wife and still woke up with morning wood each day. My aunts and uncles are in failing health. I still desire sexuality. My best friend lost his son in college a year ago. I still wanted to have an active and healthy sex life. My 14 year old daughter was found to have a hip disorder and will require surgery. I still want to have a hot, sweaty encounter when the opportunity presents it'self.

 

All these other issues are occurring to me at this stage in my life and it has not decreased or lessened my mojo one single bit.

 

As I said earlier in the thread, I hope to cop one last feel off of the hospice nurse as I lay gurgling on my death bed. If I'm going to be judged at the pearly gates, I might as well show up with wicked grin on my face and something good to be judged about LOL

 

But my point is, men's sexualities are not decreased by those things. If anything, the added stress just makes us want a little fun diversion and distraction that much more.

 

I think what you say is accurate. I do think those things all break down a woman's libido and interest in sex. But they do not negatively affect a man's sex drive.

[oldshirt]

I think this is all one of the major factors in why we see men in their upper 40s/50s/60s with much younger women. A younger woman simply has more mojo left in her.

 

The men that have younger women are the ones that can.

 

There are lots of couples like the OP that had a full life together and the wife was sexually responsive and active and a good wife, mother and partner throughout the years but time, menopause and life stressors have killed off her mojo and she is now basically a roommate.

 

The guy has some choices to make. Does he keep her around and keep her warm and safe because she has been a good companion and partner over the years and because she provides a number of other benefits?

 

Or does he salvage what is left of his vigorous years and try to find someone younger that still has a number of years of mojo left?

 

Many guys of this age try to balance both and keep the wife around but try to squeeze in what experiences and opportunities they can. That is certainly frowned upon by many circles, but when you still feel alive and vigorous and still want to live a life of passion and intimacy and your spouse truly would rather cut coupons for her next trip to the store, every cell of you body is screaming to get out and live life while you still can.

 

I'm not saying that that is 'right' or just or fair to either spouse. I am just that is the reality.

[Timshel]

I think this is all one of the major factors in why we see men in their upper 40s/50s/60s with much younger women. A younger woman simply has more mojo left in her.

 

Not true.

 

The men that have younger women are the ones that can.

 

 

There are lots of couples like the OP that had a full life together and the wife was sexually responsive and active and a good wife, mother and partner throughout the years but time, menopause and life stressors have killed off her mojo and she is now basically a roommate.

 

This happens...kind of. What it really means is that she is taking him for granted.

 

The guy has some choices to make. Does he keep her around and keep her warm and safe because she has been a good companion and partner over the years and because she provides a number of other benefits?

 

Marriage.

 

Or does he salvage what is left of his vigorous years and try to find someone younger that still has a number of years of mojo left?

 

This is where we have a difference of opinion. Oldshirt-younger=sexual vitality. Timshel=if a man is attracted to younger, so be it and say so. I have yet to meet a post menopausal woman who is disinterested in sex. I have, however, met such women who are disinterested in sex with their spouse and menopause becomes a convenient dilemma.

 

Many guys of this age try to balance both and keep the wife around but try to squeeze in what experiences and opportunities they can. That is certainly frowned upon by many circles, but when you still feel alive and vigorous and still want to live a life of passion and intimacy and your spouse truly would rather cut coupons for her next trip to the store, every cell of you body is screaming to get out and live life while you still can.

 

I'm not saying that that is 'right' or just or fair to either spouse. I am just that is the reality.

 

OP, the concerning issue as I read your thread is that your wife is not interested in addressing this with her doctor and has made a unilateral decision regarding something that is important to you (and should be to her.)

Speaking plainly, I would call bs on her excuse of menopause without consulting with a physician.

Another poster said, and I agree, if my libido was affected to an extent that having sex with my husband became painful/couldn't muster myself....that appointment would be high on the priority list.

 

It's likely that your wife is not taking your desires seriously.

 

Actions speak louder than words. I would tell her that you are not willing to continue this marriage without sex. If she does have a medical condition preventing her from doing so then it will be verified by a doctor.

 

If she will not make an appointment, pack a bag and hit the road. She has ceased to be a team and has become a dictator.

[lostlover99]

The fact she outright told you sex is over and she wasn't going to find a way to fix it speaks volumes. She has taken full control of that part of your life and locked you out.

 

I think you need to be just as direct back. You still want to have sex with your wife. You want to find a way through doctors and therapy to make it happen again. You guys are standing on opposite sides.

 

I would reconsider asking her to open the marriage. If anything, it may slap her awake. This is on her and her unwillingness to seek help.

 

I would also consider doing the dread ultimatium. I think it is okay when you are dealing with someone who has taken taken something off the table with no willingness to discuss.

 

Its killing your marriage like cancer. I understand you don't want divorce but this isn't a season she is going through. This is her saying sex is done forever. And that is dark and depressing.

 

It is dark and depressing ....

[lostlover99]

First of all, I am sorry you have been put in this situation. Sex is a big part of marriage and intimacy. I do not think turning to porn or adultery will do anything but hurt you. Also, threatening her with divorce papers will only drive her further away emotionally. It sounds like you really love and care for her, at least you both have become more healthy and fit haha! But seriously, I think you need to sit her down and communicate how important sex is not for lust and release, but for love and communion with each other. I know there are times I did not want to have sex, but I wanted to do something for my husband, and ended up enjoying it when I was open. Try to be empathetic and think if you didn't want to and only she did, putting yourself in her shoes. Maybe compromising to not have sex as often could be an option, like every few weeks or so? But cutting it out completely is hurtful and a bit selfish. Best of luck!

 

That has been my approach so far .... understanding, compromising .... I am guessing I am **** scared to sit and talk ... may be in my deepest mind I know the answer and I am scared to face it ...

[lostlover99]

This is the trap countless husbands fall into.

 

Those things you mentioned above make you a good person and a great husband and father and good productive member of society.

 

But they do not make you hot and sexy and they do not necessarily make anyone horny for you.

 

Sure you could pull the, "...you owe me!.." card and she could take off her clothes and spread her legs and let you masturbate with her body to keep you from dumping her. .....but is that really what you want?? You don't seem like that kind of person to me.

 

Sexual attraction and desire are free-standing entities that don't necessarily have anything to do with someone's goodness or depth of character. Want proof of that? Look at all the women that want to hook up with Charles Manson and Tex Watson and David Ramirez et al in prison. Those are horrible people and yet they make women's jay-jays drip.

 

You being a successful man and a good husband, father and citizen make you a good man, husband, father and citizen. But won't make her desire you sexually if she doesn't.

 

Yep, heard it before .... nice men sleep alone ....