Sexless marriage

[lostlover99]

Never done something like this before, taking my personal problem to a bunch of unknown people. But i guess I have hit a wall and have no choice.

 

Me and my wife have been married for almost 31 years, we still look and feel young, beach body fit and in love with each other. our son has grown up to be a responsible professional and is on his own, building a nice career in Infrastructure engineering.

 

Everything looks good? Yes it was till 4 years back. A perfect relationship, ideal marriage and social status, living a dream life style in San Francisco.

 

But on sexual front, things started to slow down after her menopause, naturally. I gave 3 years, but then she declared that she does not want to engage in any sexual intercourse as she does not enjoy. I was hurt and told her. i felt rejected. But i thought it will change after some time. but it hasn't. This is going on for last 10 months now. I suggested medical treatment, which she refuses as there is cancer history in her family. She wants me to 'adjust'. In short, go through the pain till my libido ends (does that ever happen to a man?). Meanwhile, to distract myself, I started a healthy routine, including exercising (I have been running 100 miles a month and enjoying it). I am getting fitter and now the problem is my libido is going sky rocketing. More torture. Looking at me, she did the same and looks even more hotter, and even more torture for me.

 

Some close friends advised release in Vegas... but wont be able to as I have never cheated on her. I know I will die because of guilt.

 

I think about it 24 hours. Feel rejected everyday. I pull myself up thinking about severe problems of people in other parts of world. (like not knowing when a bomb will drop on their heads). For that hour, my problem really looks tiny. But as the time passes, stress goes up. Its affecting my health. First time in my life, my BP was found to be high. My physician of 22 years told me it is because of stress (because everything else is 100% good). Cant tell him the truth because my wife tells him she is the happiest person in life (her physician is same) and everything is perfect.

 

I have started loosing interest in our marriage. That means I have started losing interest in small chats with her, going on dinner dates, the small romantic stuff we used to do all the time. That does not mean I have started looking at other women. I wont be because I cant leave my wife so other women thingy wont go anywhere.

 

Catch 22?

 

Any ideas? Any help? Pl remember, I wont leave her. 100%.

[dichotomy]

Never done something like this before, taking my personal problem to a bunch of unknown people. But i guess I have hit a wall and have no choice.

 

Me and my wife have been married for almost 31 years, we still look and feel young, beach body fit and in love with each other. our son has grown up to be a responsible professional and is on his own, building a nice career in Infrastructure engineering.

 

Everything looks good? Yes it was till 4 years back. A perfect relationship, ideal marriage and social status, living a dream life style in San Francisco.

 

But on sexual front, things started to slow down after her menopause, naturally. I gave 3 years, but then she declared that she does not want to engage in any sexual intercourse as she does not enjoy. I was hurt and told her. i felt rejected. But i thought it will change after some time. but it hasn't. This is going on for last 10 months now. I suggested medical treatment, which she refuses as there is cancer history in her family. She wants me to 'adjust'. In short, go through the pain till my libido ends (does that ever happen to a man?). Meanwhile, to distract myself, I started a healthy routine, including exercising (I have been running 100 miles a month and enjoying it). I am getting fitter and now the problem is my libido is going sky rocketing. More torture. Looking at me, she did the same and looks even more hotter, and even more torture for me.

 

Some close friends advised release in Vegas... but wont be able to as I have never cheated on her. I know I will die because of guilt.

 

I think about it 24 hours. Feel rejected everyday. I pull myself up thinking about severe problems of people in other parts of world. (like not knowing when a bomb will drop on their heads). For that hour, my problem really looks tiny. But as the time passes, stress goes up. Its affecting my health. First time in my life, my BP was found to be high. My physician of 22 years told me it is because of stress (because everything else is 100% good). Cant tell him the truth because my wife tells him she is the happiest person in life (her physician is same) and everything is perfect.

 

I have started loosing interest in our marriage. That means I have started losing interest in small chats with her, going on dinner dates, the small romantic stuff we used to do all the time. That does not mean I have started looking at other women. I wont be because I cant leave my wife so other women thingy wont go anywhere.

 

Catch 22?

 

Any ideas? Any help? Pl remember, I wont leave her. 100%.

 

 

She wont change unless - and maybe - if you file for divorce. I also suspect but have no proof, that once single - she would find some libido for many reasons.

 

The situation you describe very rarely changes - you are stuck. Only you can change you or try different things your wife wont.

 

what can you change yourself - well divorce is one, cheating- mistress or professionals is another, porn, or any number of non sexual releases including social activities, exercise, new adventures.Also as you mention your loosing interest in special times and things with her - thats also understandable and to be expected - she should understand she will face loses from her side now that she has pulled away from you.There are also recommendations or studies that show if your wife sees a new you (flirty strong outgoing) with other women showing interest in you - seeing women in new activities - it may rev up her interest in you.

 

You could try dragging her to couples therapy - with a sex therapist - there are sneaky ways to get her to do this - but again we are talking a low probability of it working - because she does not want it to work.

 

You are making a choice not to leave - not to divorce - and not to cheat. So I assume even without sex - there is some benefit to you personally to stay in a sexless marriage. It may help for you to focus on this. Also if you had decades of good sex - you may also wish to focus on that blessing as not many couples had that long of good sex - and understand at some point sex diminishes with age.

Edited December 16, 2016 by dichotomy

[Aesc]

What the two of you are experiencing is not uncommon. Usually it is attributed to a change in hormones. There is plenty of information available on this subject. You are going to have to circumvent her, go around her. If you know her doctor(s) I suggest you talk to them, maybe they'll be understanding and attempt to help you without making it too obvious. As long as her head is OK and it's only hormonal, then it can be treated medically. If her head is messed up too, then the both of you will have to go in for counseling, because it isn't just her problem, it's both of yours.

She might not listen to you, but if her doctor should somehow discover during a supposedly "routine checkup" that she has a "problem," then she might be willing to abide by her doctor's decisions.

Edited December 16, 2016 by Aesc

[dichotomy]

Also what does hormones have to do with caring for your partner ? Yes I am aware it might not mean PIV sex for man or woman suffering from medical conditions - but sex is more than PIV. It could be as simple as kissing and hand action and loving words for your partner who has needs.

 

When ever I hear this I think the person is really saying "since there is nothing in it for me - why should I care about you ?"

[Aesc]

. . . . and understand at some point sex diminishes with age.

 

No, not really the case. Plenty of seniors have full and satisfying sex lives. It's mostly a matter of health. Do you think Jack La Lanne stopped having sex when he got older? I seriously doubt it.

[Mr. Lucky]

My physician of 22 years told me it is because of stress (because everything else is 100% good). Cant tell him the truth because my wife tells him she is the happiest person in life (her physician is same) and everything is perfect.

 

Not sure I understand the benefit of being less than truthful with your doctor. Regardless of his other patients, he's treating you. Level with him.

 

She wants me to 'adjust'. In short, go through the pain till my libido ends (does that ever happen to a man?).

 

Bad news for you - I'm 65 (would guess I have 10+ years on you?), like you fit and active and have the same sexual thoughts, drives and urges I've had all my life. If you're going to sit in the corner and hope those feelings go away, hope you have a high tolerance for pain and a long supply of patience.

 

In short, you and your wife are going to have to deal with this like any other problem. She can't wish this one away...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

Look, I get it that you love your wife. I do.

 

But the reality is that she is unilaterally relegating you to a sexless life for the rest of your days. That's not loving. That's not a partnership. It's disrespectful and dismissive. If she doesn't want sex for herself, that's all well and good, I suppose. But there's nothing she can do for her partner? There's manual, oral, anal... If she's not willing to do any of those things, what are you supposed to think about her care and concern for you? And why would you have care and concern for her?

 

It's already creating resentment in you. That's why you're detaching.

 

I'm not suggesting you divorce. But I think you seriously need to sit her down and communicate that a sexless marriage for the rest of your life is not going to work and not an option. It's a completely unreasonable, selfish, and unrealistic request. And if her attitude is going to be this disrespectful "you just need to suck it up and get over it" approach, then she shouldn't expect much respect coming her direction either.

 

The reality is that these things almost never improve, at least not short of a dramatic refusal on the part of the denied spouse. You'll find the same story time after time where the denied spouse tries every patient approach in the book, only to be dismissed and slowly lose their mind. You're seriously going to have to lay down an ultimatum that something has to give. Either she respects the fact that you still have a healthy libido and want to stay faithful and she helps you do that. Or she agrees to sex therapy to at least try to make some headway. Or she agrees to others doing the job she refuses to do. But I'd make it clear that decades more of what has happened for the last 10 months is not an acceptable option.

 

If she doesn't respect any of that and maintains the same position, then I think you need to seriously reevaluate how much this woman respects and values you and reconsider that notion about leaving her. Divorce papers would send a powerful message about her need to either take this problem seriously or she's actually going to lose her marriage over it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Look, I get it that you love your wife. I do.

 

But the reality is that she is unilaterally relegating you to a sexless life for the rest of your days. That's not loving. That's not a partnership. It's disrespectful and dismissive. If she doesn't want sex for herself, that's all well and good, I suppose. But there's nothing she can do for her partner? There's manual, oral, anal... If she's not willing to do any of those things, what are you supposed to think about her care and concern for you? And why would you have care and concern for her?

 

It's already creating resentment in you. That's why you're detaching.

 

I'm not suggesting you divorce. But I think you seriously need to sit her down and communicate that a sexless marriage for the rest of your life is not going to work and not an option. It's a completely unreasonable, selfish, and unrealistic request. And if her attitude is going to be this disrespectful "you just need to suck it up and get over it" approach, then she shouldn't expect much respect coming her direction either.

 

The reality is that these things almost never improve, at least not short of a dramatic refusal on the part of the denied spouse. You'll find the same story time after time where the denied spouse tries every patient approach in the book, only to be dismissed and slowly lose their mind. You're seriously going to have to lay down an ultimatum that something has to give. Either she respects the fact that you still have a healthy libido and want to stay faithful and she helps you do that. Or she agrees to sex therapy to at least try to make some headway. Or she agrees to others doing the job she refuses to do. But I'd make it clear that decades more of what has happened for the last 10 months is not an acceptable option.

 

If she doesn't respect any of that and maintains the same position, then I think you need to seriously reevaluate how much this woman respects and values you and reconsider that notion about leaving her. Divorce papers would send a powerful message about her need to either take this problem seriously or she's actually going to lose her marriage over it.

 

Exceptional post! Please take note of it OP.

 

As someone who was married for 20 years and spent about 8 of those completely sexless because, like your wife, my husband made the decision for the both of us that sex was no longer important, I can tell you that it WILL taint EVERYTHING in your life the longer this continues.

 

I remained faithful to my husband until the bitter end despite having had plenty of opportunity and desires to stray if only for sex. I'm glad I didn't because I don't think I could have lived with myself especially since I still loved my husband but it was HELL to be rejected over and over again when all you want to do is connect physically with the one person you chose to spend the rest of your life with.

 

I still get emotional thinking about that time of my life.

 

I just want to tell you that it doesn't matter what you do to save this aspect of your marriage because if your wife isn't on board and on the same page about safeguarding your marriage, it won't work. Trust me. It's that simple.

 

At the VERY least, you need to sit down and have a very brutal and very honest conversation with your wife and see how she responds. Hopefully she'll realizes just how serious this issue is in terms of how vulnerable your marriage will become if she continues to choose to ignore the potential threat and refuses to work with you on making this aspect of your life better.

 

If not, you will be faced with some extremely difficult decisions to make regarding your relationship. I came face to face with it and I chose to end my marriage as a result. It was a very painful decision but one that had to be made and I have no regrets about it today.

 

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

 

Good luck.

[dichotomy]

Lostlover99,

 

 

I also wanted add - I have been in a low sex marriage most of my marriage. In the last 5 months we have gone completely sexless.

 

I know why I stay married and I will for the immediate future. It has other benefits to me and others I love.

 

But I won’t go completely 100% sexless for ever - I won’t. I don’t care what arguments can be made against me "cheating" because I can't cheat my wife out of something she has stopped being involved in it and does not want anymore. Cheating implies "taking away something someone wants, or has an expectation they own/have a right to - or promise to have soon" ......It’s like you can't "steal" something that has been deliberately abandoned on the curb. However, I expect and hope my own sex life will at least return back to low sex - and I wont be faced with this choice.

 

Just something for you to think about - if you wont leave your wife - for what ever reasons - then you have choices to make and to live with them.

Edited December 16, 2016 by dichotomy

[central]

You're in a tough position. Is there any affection or other intimacy in your marriage, or is it just the sex that is gone? If she is still affectionate and wants that contact, deny it to her, completely, so she may get some idea of how rejection feels. Then, you may be able to negotiate for some kind of sexual intimacy - it probably won't be truly satisfying, but may be sufficient to preserve the marriage. If there is NO real affection from her, then I see only two escalating options:

 

 

1) negotiate an open marriage, so you can get your needs met elsewhere, guilt-free (whether this be via escorts or non-professionals you meet some other way), and if that does not work

2) divorce

 

 

I prefer option 2, as it provides you total guiltless freedom to live your life as you wish, and it frees you to find someone else - many of your best prospects would be put off by you being married, so it's best to NOT be married.

 

 

Option 1 can work if you can readily find partners who are accepting of your marital status. Eventually, you may still meet someone for whom you develop feelings, and that could lead to divorce anyway.

[oldshirt]

No, not really the case. Plenty of seniors have full and satisfying sex lives. It's mostly a matter of health. Do you think Jack La Lanne stopped having sex when he got older? I seriously doubt it.

 

Yeah, but I doubt if the chicks he was laying the lumber to were anywhere near his age.

[oldshirt]

There have been many good insights and suggestions thus far in this thread.

 

You have expressed your concerns to her and she basically said this is how it is and how it is going to be and that you are just going to have to live with her no longer wanting to have a sex life with you.

 

Here are the possible options of how you live with it -

 

- suck it up and live a life as roommates and spank to porn a lot.

 

- negotiate some kind of open marriage where you get your sexual needs met outside the marriage with her knowledge and consent.

 

- get your needs met outside the marriage without her knowledge and consent.

 

- divorce and go on the dating market.

 

All of those have their own advantages and disadvantages.

 

All of those options are viable. Yet all will also have an associated cost and risk vs benefit ratio.

 

What I would urge is that you make whatever will be the best solution for YOU.

 

She has kind of lived her life and was a good wife and mother and now just wants to do her own things and play with the grandkids.

 

You are the one that still has the zest for life and wants to have a love and sex life. That means that one way or another, that love and sex life will be without her as she no longer wants one with you.

 

She probably still wants to maintain her lifestyle and stay in the marital home and have cocktail parties with your established marital friends.

 

That is what she stands to lose if you leave.

 

You stand to lose your sexuality and your romance and intimacy and passion if you stay.

 

My suggestion is do what is best for you as she has chosen her path and there for must accept the risks associated with that path.

[lostlover99]

She wont change unless - and maybe - if you file for divorce. I also suspect but have no proof, that once single - she would find some libido for many reasons.

 

The situation you describe very rarely changes - you are stuck. Only you can change you or try different things your wife wont.

 

what can you change yourself - well divorce is one, cheating- mistress or professionals is another, porn, or any number of non sexual releases including social activities, exercise, new adventures.Also as you mention your loosing interest in special times and things with her - thats also understandable and to be expected - she should understand she will face loses from her side now that she has pulled away from you.There are also recommendations or studies that show if your wife sees a new you (flirty strong outgoing) with other women showing interest in you - seeing women in new activities - it may rev up her interest in you.

 

You could try dragging her to couples therapy - with a sex therapist - there are sneaky ways to get her to do this - but again we are talking a low probability of it working - because she does not want it to work.

 

You are making a choice not to leave - not to divorce - and not to cheat. So I assume even without sex - there is some benefit to you personally to stay in a sexless marriage. It may help for you to focus on this. Also if you had decades of good sex - you may also wish to focus on that blessing as not many couples had that long of good sex - and understand at some point sex diminishes with age.

 

Thanks for the reply. There are two main reasons for 'not to leave'.

 

One, i still like her, like to do things for her, to make her happy, and most important, still attracted to her.

 

Second, I am not sure if it is worth going through the pain. I invested 30+ years in this relationship and had a blast for most of it. And other than the sexual thing, everything else is still great. What is on the other side? I dont know. Really, it is a bird in the hand or 2 in the bush situation, isn't it?

 

Basically I am also hoping that my drive will diminish after some time but I am scared what if it doesn't? There has been no change since we met 35 years back.

[lostlover99]

What the two of you are experiencing is not uncommon. Usually it is attributed to a change in hormones. There is plenty of information available on this subject. You are going to have to circumvent her, go around her. If you know her doctor(s) I suggest you talk to them, maybe they'll be understanding and attempt to help you without making it too obvious. As long as her head is OK and it's only hormonal, then it can be treated medically. If her head is messed up too, then the both of you will have to go in for counseling, because it isn't just her problem, it's both of yours.

She might not listen to you, but if her doctor should somehow discover during a supposedly "routine checkup" that she has a "problem," then she might be willing to abide by her doctor's decisions.

 

Thanks for the reply. I think I should try that. What I got to lose? Doctor will know there is gap in the way we both are thinking. I guess, he should know.

[oldshirt]

Lostlover99,

 

 

I don’t care what arguments can be made against me "cheating" because I can't cheat my wife out of something she has stopped being involved in it and does not want anymore. Cheating implies "taking away something someone wants, or has an expectation they own/have a right to - or promise to have soon" ......It’s like you can't "steal" something that has been deliberately abandoned on the curb.

 

While I have a hard time ever condoning adultery, I will concede that if someone has voluntarily declared that they no longer wish to have a sex life with someone - then they waive their right to their partner's sexual exclusivity.

 

Noone has the right to exert abstinence onto another person.

 

It is her right and prerogative to retire her sexuality, but she does not have the right to end yours.

 

She has no right to expect you to live a life of celibacy because she is done with sex.

 

She has no right to expect your abstinence and she really has no right to expect you to remain in the marriage.

 

She has waived her right to your sexual exclusivity.

 

As far as I am concerned you can do whatever you think is best for you whether that means spanking to porn, divorcing her, negotiating some form of open marriage or diddling your secretary.

 

She has determined her fate and is walking her path and has declared her intentions to you. Now it is your turn to determine the rest of your life.

[carhill]

Heh, this is how the locals knew Jack and Elaine. You could see his house from 41 on the way into Morro Bay if you knew what to look for. I guess he could've been laying the lumber to young babes but he seemed pretty devoted to his wife/widow, who's still around and promoting fitness.

 

OP, the bottom line is you're making choices for your own life. You own you. You're saying you won't have an affair and you won't 'leave her'. That's on you. Own it. If you need help adapting to the life that your adult choices have made, OK, that's cool. It's available. IMO, and I'm probably around the same age as you, I'd accept my own choices and move forward and be the person I want to be, for me. If you're a loving and devoted husband, be that, for you. Be your own savior. Accept that your wife's choices and how she expresses her feelings are outside of your control.

 

Given the focus at the beginning of the post on status and lifestyle, those are choices too. They have benefits and costs. The balance is individual. For you, apparently, now, the status and lifestyle are worth the lack of sexual intimacy. If so, cool. Accept it. Want more? Yeah, everyone wants more. That's the id talking. Perfectly normal. We think we have the perfect formula to get everything we want and then someone comes along and throws a monkey wrench into that. We make plans and then life happens. Good luck!

[lostlover99]

Also what does hormones have to do with caring for your partner ? Yes I am aware it might not mean PIV sex for man or woman suffering from medical conditions - but sex is more than PIV. It could be as simple as kissing and hand action and loving words for your partner who has needs.

 

When ever I hear this I think the person is really saying "since there is nothing in it for me - why should I care about you ?"

 

Physical pain? Less Desire to engage in sexual activity? These are the common traits in a post menopausal women, as I have researched. And she does hold hands and kiss. My dog also does the same whenever he sees me.

 

Her affectionate gestures adds more to my frustration and resentment. Hope you understand what I am trying to say.

[oldshirt]

Thanks for the reply. There are two main reasons for 'not to leave'.

 

One, i still like her, like to do things for her, to make her happy, and most important, still attracted to her.

 

Second, I am not sure if it is worth going through the pain. I invested 30+ years in this relationship and had a blast for most of it. And other than the sexual thing, everything else is still great. What is on the other side? I dont know. Really, it is a bird in the hand or 2 in the bush situation, isn't it?

 

Basically I am also hoping that my drive will diminish after some time but I am scared what if it doesn't? There has been no change since we met 35 years back.

 

 

Let me ask you a very serious question.

 

should you divorce, is there any reason that you still couldn't be cooperative coparents and cograndparents? Is there any reason that you couldn't be fair and generous and cooperative in dividing the marital assets and properties?

 

Is there any reason that you couldn't still be somewhat supportive and cooperative and help her change a flat tire on the road if she were to get a flat or come to her house to swat a spider if one made an appearance?

 

In other words, you are already going to live a sexless, passionless life with her and will be expected to do those things if you stay.

 

Is there any reason you couldn't remain on friendly and cooperative terms if you were to leave and have a healthy love and sex life with other people and do all of that from two separate homes?

[oldshirt]

 

Basically I am also hoping that my drive will diminish after some time but I am scared what if it doesn't? There has been no change since we met 35 years back.

 

Oh Buddy, that is the worst gamble of all.

 

It never goes away. Your ability to achieve an erection will diminish over time and it will take longer to recharge between orgasms. But the desire and the interest will never go away.

 

Your body will die before your desire to score will.

 

I plan on trying to cop a feel off of the nurses while I am gasping for my last breath on my deathbed. I am hoping my last memory on this earth is getting one last handful of boob as I draw my last breath.

[lostlover99]

Let me ask you a very serious question.

 

should you divorce, is there any reason that you still couldn't be cooperative coparents and cograndparents? Is there any reason that you couldn't be fair and generous and cooperative in dividing the marital assets and properties?

 

Is there any reason that you couldn't still be somewhat supportive and cooperative and help her change a flat tire on the road if she were to get a flat or come to her house to swat a spider if one made an appearance?

 

In other words, you are already going to live a sexless, passionless life with her and will be expected to do those things if you stay.

 

Is there any reason you couldn't remain on friendly and cooperative terms if you were to leave and have a healthy love and sex life with other people and do all of that from two separate homes?

 

Money wise, will give her everything. I dont need much and rebuild everything again.

 

Other answers, I have no clue how will I behave/feel/react. It will hurt.

[lostlover99]

Heh, this is how the locals knew Jack and Elaine. You could see his house from 41 on the way into Morro Bay if you knew what to look for. I guess he could've been laying the lumber to young babes but he seemed pretty devoted to his wife/widow, who's still around and promoting fitness.

 

OP, the bottom line is you're making choices for your own life. You own you. You're saying you won't have an affair and you won't 'leave her'. That's on you. Own it. If you need help adapting to the life that your adult choices have made, OK, that's cool. It's available. IMO, and I'm probably around the same age as you, I'd accept my own choices and move forward and be the person I want to be, for me. If you're a loving and devoted husband, be that, for you. Be your own savior. Accept that your wife's choices and how she expresses her feelings are outside of your control.

 

Given the focus at the beginning of the post on status and lifestyle, those are choices too. They have benefits and costs. The balance is individual. For you, apparently, now, the status and lifestyle are worth the lack of sexual intimacy. If so, cool. Accept it. Want more? Yeah, everyone wants more. That's the id talking. Perfectly normal. We think we have the perfect formula to get everything we want and then someone comes along and throws a monkey wrench into that. We make plans and then life happens. Good luck!

 

Well said indeed! Thanks!!

[lostlover99]

:d

oh buddy, that is the worst gamble of all.

 

It never goes away. Your ability to achieve an erection will diminish over time and it will take longer to recharge between orgasms. But the desire and the interest will never go away.

 

Your body will die before your desire to score will.

 

I plan on trying to cop a feel off of the nurses while i am gasping for my last breath on my deathbed. I am hoping my last memory on this earth is getting one last handful of boob as i draw my last breath.

 

Hmmm ... I suspected that

[lostlover99]

Not sure I understand the benefit of being less than truthful with your doctor. Regardless of his other patients, he's treating you. Level with him.

 

 

 

Bad news for you - I'm 65 (would guess I have 10+ years on you?), like you fit and active and have the same sexual thoughts, drives and urges I've had all my life. If you're going to sit in the corner and hope those feelings go away, hope you have a high tolerance for pain and a long supply of patience.

 

In short, you and your wife are going to have to deal with this like any other problem. She can't wish this one away...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks ... I guess my attempt should be talking to my doctor and spill the beans ...

[Mr. Lucky]

Basically I am also hoping that my drive will diminish after some time but I am scared what if it doesn't?

 

This is something to hope for :eek: ???

 

Trust me, even as your ability diminishes, your drive doesn't...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lostlover99]

Look, I get it that you love your wife. I do.

 

But the reality is that she is unilaterally relegating you to a sexless life for the rest of your days. That's not loving. That's not a partnership. It's disrespectful and dismissive. If she doesn't want sex for herself, that's all well and good, I suppose. But there's nothing she can do for her partner? There's manual, oral, anal... If she's not willing to do any of those things, what are you supposed to think about her care and concern for you? And why would you have care and concern for her?

 

It's already creating resentment in you. That's why you're detaching.

 

I'm not suggesting you divorce. But I think you seriously need to sit her down and communicate that a sexless marriage for the rest of your life is not going to work and not an option. It's a completely unreasonable, selfish, and unrealistic request. And if her attitude is going to be this disrespectful "you just need to suck it up and get over it" approach, then she shouldn't expect much respect coming her direction either.

 

The reality is that these things almost never improve, at least not short of a dramatic refusal on the part of the denied spouse. You'll find the same story time after time where the denied spouse tries every patient approach in the book, only to be dismissed and slowly lose their mind. You're seriously going to have to lay down an ultimatum that something has to give. Either she respects the fact that you still have a healthy libido and want to stay faithful and she helps you do that. Or she agrees to sex therapy to at least try to make some headway. Or she agrees to others doing the job she refuses to do. But I'd make it clear that decades more of what has happened for the last 10 months is not an acceptable option.

 

If she doesn't respect any of that and maintains the same position, then I think you need to seriously reevaluate how much this woman respects and values you and reconsider that notion about leaving her. Divorce papers would send a powerful message about her need to either take this problem seriously or she's actually going to lose her marriage over it.

 

Thanks. I have started forming a strategy. First, doctor. Second, direct talk. third, may be papers. Hope it wont go that far.