Girlfriend and finances, do I let her go?

[Joga_31]

My girlfriend loves me staying over 3-4 nights a week.

 

I still live at home and also help my family financially. I am 26 and live in a expensive city and had a goal of becoming a nurse. But can't seem to pay off my credit card debt due to all the finances. This is preventing me from starting school.

 

Also my girlfriend is very needy and guilt trips me when I can't come to sleep over if I am tired or etc.

 

I have told her to cook for me or better yet we cook together, but she gets so lazy to even get groceries and prefers to always eat out.

 

She even takes the taxi to places that one can get to in 10-15 minutes. This is having serious financial impact on me.

 

Do I need to let her go?

[Satu]

Have you tried discussing this with her?

[Joga_31]

Have you tried discussing this with her?

 

she says ok "lets do this sunday" and then sunday comes and it doesn't happen.

We do split the bill, but I mean if I am staying 3-4 days at her house and meals are breakfast, lunch, dinner, then it's an expensive bill.

 

even if we split the bill.

[Shanex]

You're broke, and she's lazy. Yikes.

 

Let her go, maybe not. Do you like her, physically and romantically ?

[Joga_31]

You're broke, and she's lazy. Yikes.

 

Let her go, maybe not. Do you like her, physically and romantically ?

 

I earn more than her. But she earns like 11 an hour I earn between 13-16 an hour.

I like her physically and romantically and attached to her.

[Satu]

I earn more than her. But she earns like 11 an hour I earn between 13-16 an hour.

I like her physically and romantically and attached to her.

 

You have to take a much firmer stance with her.

 

"I can't afford this. Its driving me into debt, and I don't want to go there. This eating out every day has got to STOP."

 

Say it like you mean it, and stick to it.

 

Be assertive.

 

 

Take care.

[Joga_31]

You have to take a much firmer stance with her.

 

"I can't afford this. Its driving me into debt, and I don't to go there. This eating out every day has got to STOP."

 

Say it like you mean it, and stick to it.

 

Be assertive.

 

 

Take care.

 

I was doing a check of my finances with my father and the food expenses are totally killing me, part of it is me and other part is her.

 

I need to be more disciplined and I will remind her as well.

[bachdude]

Sit down with her and go over your goals, what you need to do to get there, and that it is going to entail some sacrifices with eating out, etc.

 

 

Just say you won't be able to pay for all the night's out at the restaurant.

 

 

See what her reaction is. She may not like it but she will respect you for it.

[Joga_31]

So I spoke to her about this issue of eating out constantly.

She says that she does not cook for herself which I already know.

 

I know she listened to what I said, but I don't think anything is going to change. She said she tried to buy groceries and said last time she did, her meals sucked and that cooking is time consuming.

 

I think I will have to end it, but it is a very difficult thing to do.

 

This is a dumb situation, but I actually can't afford this lifestyle she lives. She said she has back up money because her parents from hong kong will give her cash which is true, but my parents are broke like me hence why I help them.

Edited December 16, 2016 by Joga_31

[Poppyolive]

Why don't you buy the groceries together and cook together? There's lots of great you tube videos, i'm sure, to help with cooking. Recipes are easy to follow. Take turns. Write up a menu plan for the 3-4 days you spend there. The other days she can eat out. Walk places, take transit. She can get a cab on the other days.

 

Breakfast cereal/toast/eggs

Lunch soup/sandwiches

Dinner veggie stirfry

Fruit & popcorn for snacks

[Joga_31]

Why don't you buy the groceries together and cook together? There's lots of great you tube videos, i'm sure, to help with cooking. Recipes are easy to follow. Take turns. Write up a menu plan for the 3-4 days you spend there. The other days she can eat out. Walk places, take transit. She can get a cab on the other days.

 

Breakfast cereal/toast/eggs

Lunch soup/sandwiches

Dinner veggie stirfry

Fruit & popcorn for snacks

 

I love your optimism, it's contagious

 

I see you live in BC. I do too in Vancouver actually.

[joseb]

It seems like you are jumping the gun to break up over this.

Really all you need to do is stand your ground and say you simply cant afoard it. If she insists on eating out all the time, either let her do it alone or let her pay.

Better though is the suggestion that you two go and buy groceries and cook together.

 

Given that you are so willing to throw in the towel, are there other problems in your relationship too?

[DarrenB]

Letting someone go of whom you appear to love, doesn't seem to be the most appropriate choice. Unless she becomes evidently an immense burden on you of course, then it's perhaps correct to consider breaking up to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of.

 

Just discuss with her what is currently bothering you. I'm sure that you'll both come to some agreement.

[Formerfiveo]

Here's an easy fix - stop staying over at her place.

 

If she's giving you guilt trips and you let her, your problems are much bigger than eating out all the time.

 

Boundaries, man. Boundaries. Set some.

[PegNosePete]

She even takes the taxi to places that one can get to in 10-15 minutes. This is having serious financial impact on me.

How is HER taking taxis having a financial impact on YOU? Are you paying for her taxis? If so, why?

 

I think you need to grow a backbone, and learn to say "no", "I can't afford that" and "I have to save for my future".

 

Financial issues are one of the biggest reasons for relationship breakups. If your spending habits are this different (you are trying to save for the future whereas she is apparently happy to blow everything she has) then your relationship is not going to last long term anyway.

[clia]

My girlfriend loves me staying over 3-4 nights a week.

 

I still live at home and also help my family financially. I am 26 and live in a expensive city and had a goal of becoming a nurse. But can't seem to pay off my credit card debt due to all the finances. This is preventing me from starting school.

 

Also my girlfriend is very needy and guilt trips me when I can't come to sleep over if I am tired or etc.

 

I have told her to cook for me or better yet we cook together, but she gets so lazy to even get groceries and prefers to always eat out.

She even takes the taxi to places that one can get to in 10-15 minutes. This is having serious financial impact on me.

 

Do I need to let her go?

 

Or alternatively, you could cook for her? If you are the one who wants to start eating at home rather than going out, you are the one who needs to take proactive steps to do that. She doesn't want to do it, so why should she be the one to go grocery shopping and have to cook?

 

When you get to her house to stay the night, suggest the two of you go grocery shopping together to get food for meals that week. If she doesn't want to go with you, then go by yourself, get what you want to eat for the week, and then ask her to reimburse you for half the cost of the groceries, if she intends to eat the food you bought. I really don't see why you can't cook some eggs or toast for breakfast or make sandwiches for lunch, or whatever you want to eat. I agree with some of the other posters that you need to grow a backbone. You don't have to go with her when she suggests going out to eat. You can go home or make a sandwich instead.

[OatsAndHall]

A part of me wants to tell you that this is a stupid situation to break up over as, from the surface, it really is. It sounds like more communication is in order.

 

But, always date with two eyes open and see if she is working towards being better with her money. Her lack of responsibility with money would be a red-flag for me. Her not liking cooking is not an excuse to go out to dinner all of the time. I, personally, cannot be involved with a woman who isn't smart with her money. Finances were very divisive in my marriage and subsequent divorce. There were many indications early on that she wasn't good with money and I ignored them.

[VeveCakes]

A part of me wants to tell you that this is a stupid situation to break up over as, from the surface, it really is. It sounds like more communication is in order.

 

But, always date with two eyes open and see if she is working towards being better with her money. Her lack of responsibility with money would be a red-flag for me. Her not liking cooking is not an excuse to go out to dinner all of the time. I, personally, cannot be involved with a woman who isn't smart with her money. Finances were very divisive in my marriage and subsequent divorce. There were many indications early on that she wasn't good with money and I ignored them.

 

especially since she just relies on her parents to fill the bank when she needs it. Maybe she could pay for all your meals when you visit her, since she is rolling in the $.

[Shining One]

I'm failing to see what your girlfriend brings to this relationship. You're paying for all of these meals out at her request. What does she do for you? Is she willing/able to contribute to these expenses? Is she willing to compromise in other ways to help you? Personally, I can afford to pay for all of the things you've described thus far, but I wouldn't stand for it. She wouldn't have made it to the girlfriend stage with me.

[Lorenza]

I'm failing to see what your girlfriend brings to this relationship. You're paying for all of these meals out at her request. What does she do for you? Is she willing/able to contribute to these expenses? Is she willing to compromise in other ways to help you? Personally, I can afford to pay for all of the things you've described thus far, but I wouldn't stand for it. She wouldn't have made it to the girlfriend stage with me.

 

He said they split the bill.

 

--

 

I just wonder, how does your gf afford those meals 3-4 times a week? If they take a toll on your finances it must do the same to heirs since she earns even less than you. You need to talk to her about financial responsibility. Eating out so often can't be good for anyone who earns average salary. Tell her she needs to make smarter decisions and that it makes you doubt about her being a good partner in the long run.

[eightytwenty]

If you can't pay for it while your trying to help your family, tell her you can't. Tell her you just can't because you're trying to get ahead and not go backwards with money.

 

 

If she wants to go out and eat with you she can pay, but right now your financial situation isn't going to allow it.

[Shining One]

He said they split the bill.

Sorry, not sure how I missed that. Disregard my previous post.

 

OP, are you able to cook yourself? If so, you should take the initiative. Perhaps the compromise can be she pays for the groceries and you do the cooking.

[bachdude]

The reason she is the way she is is because her parents bail her out all the time.

 

 

She isn't learning to be financially responsible at all.

 

 

If she had to pay for everything herself, I bet she would suddenly take an interest in cooking.

 

 

We are always more careless with other people's money than our own.

[MidwestUSA]

My girlfriend loves me staying over 3-4 nights a week.

 

I still live at home and also help my family financially. I am 26 and live in a expensive city and had a goal of becoming a nurse. But can't seem to pay off my credit card debt due to all the finances. This is preventing me from starting school.

 

Also my girlfriend is very needy and guilt trips me when I can't come to sleep over if I am tired or etc.

 

I have told her to cook for me or better yet we cook together, but she gets so lazy to even get groceries and prefers to always eat out.

 

She even takes the taxi to places that one can get to in 10-15 minutes. This is having serious financial impact on me.

 

Do I need to let her go?

 

See the bolded. That is your goal, get back to it.

 

Sit her down and tell her how she's impacting your goals, both by using you financially, and being demanding of your time.

 

Don't settle for a partner who doesn't support your long term goals. If she's happy making $11 an hour the rest of her life, so be it. But you? Go be a nurse. You'll never lack for a job.

 

Nurse's order.

[Viking]

Sadly, this is pretty common amongst the Asian population in the Vancouver area. The kids are in BC doing school or just working on English while mommy and daddy pay for all their stuff. Housing, food, cars, etc. She is spoiled and doesn't know the true meaning of actually being responsible. She probably thinks it's fun having a boyfriend who pays for a lot of her stuff because she thinks she's landed her man.

 

I'm going to guess that you're either white or first generation born Canadian and your parents are also immigrants. At age 26, most people would be itching to get out of their parent's house, but it is good you're helping them, as they likely have helped you along the way. What I recommend is tell her to start being wise with her money or her parents will cut it off. Sit down and show her how much she earns after taxes (so everyone knows, BC has an insane tax rate, and then taxes on goods). Show her how much she makes after taxes and how much stuff costs after taxes.

 

Something you could do is go to the U.S. and try shopping there for food. It's cheaper and not taxed. Explain the stress that not being able to pursue your goals is causing and what it means for your future. She seems like she's along for the ride as long as you're paying, and that isn't right in an equitable relationship.

 

Finances were part of what killed my last relationship. I saved $34,000 in two years while working and paying all the rent...my ex saved almost zero. Granted, I worked an extra 900-1000 hours overtime...