enzo1994 Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Hi guys, I recently got broken up with last week. I've been through a bad breakup previously so I went NC basically straight away after the final conversation which he wanted to have the day after to clarify things. I'm feeling really strange. I didn't have a mental breakdown or even shed a tear. If you look at my previous post from two weeks ago, we were having major issues and I was going through severe anxiety every single day because he wasn't putting in effort in the relationship anymore. As soon as he broke it off I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. Like I had clarity. I accepted it straight away. I feel as though I didn't love him as much as I thought I did because if I did I would be devastated and also not treated him with anger like I did sometimes through out the relationship. If he doesn't want to work with me to mend the relationship I can't force him to stay lol. I guess the point of this post is I don't understand why I still thinking about him when I know we don't belong together. We are very different and the things I loved about him initially were no longer there. He was actually the one having a mental breakdown the day after we broke up. He wanted a guarantee if he contacts me in a few months would I be accepting of a friendship with him and maybe if it's meant to be we can be in a relationships again. I told him I can't guarantee anything because I have to look out for myself now as he has been causing me a lot of emotional distress the last two months. We had a long conversation about how he is depressed due to getting fired, family issues money issues and a lot more. He said he needs to be alone to heal himself and I should work on myself in that time too. He said he can guarantee me he will come back (however I don't want to hold onto this cos it can prevent me from moving on and TBH I don't wanna reconcile). He basically doesn't "trust" 'e with his emotions anymore. A few weeks ago this thought devastated me but I even went to therapy to work on my anger and felt like I did everything possible to try show him my eagerness to mend the relationship. I care about him but as I said if this is what he wants then okay. The last message he sent to me was "am I the only one balling my eyes out?" "Just know that I'm doing everything I can to stop myself from feeling this way towards u not only for us but for me too" and "I'm so sorry I'm so broken" and I'm going to go straight to a psychologist tomorrow and get started on bettering myself, if I could never open up to my family or bro like I have with u I can never do it for someone else it's the most devastating thing to not be able to trust someone you love" .. idk lol like I just feel like this is his own journey now and whatever happens happens. Basically I just don't understand when I know I don't wanna be with him anymore and like I've been through a break up where I was IN LOVE with the guy so I know the difference between being sad and heartbroken.. why am I still thinking about it everyday? I mean we had a 6 year friendship as well I guess maybe that could be it? Any tips on controlling your thoughts? Thanks guys 1
Philosoraptor Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 You had a lot of familiarity, so it's normal to still have thoughts. You were together for over a year and a half, so your normal routine involved him. You need to reestablish yourself as a single individual. Focus on yourself and your own happiness. Focus on your hobbies and things you enjoy. Spend time with friends and family. You do need to fill that void of having that singular person in your life that you spend the most time with, and communicate with the most. If you focus on you, you'll find the thoughts of him will start to become further and further apart. 1
Satu Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Basically I just don't understand when I know I don't wanna be with him anymore and like I've been through a break up where I was IN LOVE with the guy so I know the difference between being sad and heartbroken.. *why am I still thinking about it everyday? I mean we had a 6 year friendship as well I guess maybe that could be it? Any tips on controlling your thoughts? Thanks guys Below is a copy and paste of a reply I gave to someone else who asked a similar question. If you had a broken finger, would you try to heal it by not thinking about it? Freud and Jung concluded that most mental and emotional pain comes from conflict and resistance. All you will achieve by trying not to think about this is the creation of tension in your psyche. The thoughts come, but you try to push them away = resistance. You try not to think about the thoughts, but you need to = conflict. Let the thoughts come and go just like any other thoughts. If you don't, they will slam in hard at inconvenient times. Gradually the thoughts are drained of energy and become something of little significance. "What you resist persists." None of that might be relevant to your situation, but some of it might be. Take care.
elaine567 Posted December 15, 2016 Posted December 15, 2016 Read this-> Suppressing the 'white bears' - Meditation, mindfulness and other tools can help us avoid unwanted thoughts 1
Bromeo Posted December 16, 2016 Posted December 16, 2016 OP, Satu is spot on. When the heart and mind disagree, there is conflict and stress. Let those thoughts enter your mind, welcome them in, dwell on them temporarily, and wish them well when they leave. My ex consumed my thoughts for months. I am naturally tenacious, and have a wall full of accomplishments, but I could not reconcile for myself that I lost my hippy princess and she rebounded to some mope that was, basically, not me. It took months of introspection to make peace. Acceptance of change, congruence of thought and action, and making peace with the past will bring happiness. Try it.
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