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How important is attraction?


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Posted
I've seen quite a number of threads started by women who have been in LTRs with men with a similar problem. The women say the guys treat them incredibly well, adore them, are kind, thoughtful, perfect on paper, etc, etc, yet..... they do not find them attractive and are coming here looking for advice.

 

 

The problem likely will not go away; not in one year, not in five years.

 

Yeah, I've seen this A LOT. Typically, with the ladies because they are usually on the fence because women are typically more about personality than looks.

 

Men are more visual and thus it's pretty black and white when it comes to physical attraction and less on the fence when it comes to these issues.

 

Interestingly, I knew of a woman in my area...she was divorced, had no kids, was on OK cupid or wherever site...said she was married 10 years and did her husbands books/accounting for the business he ran.

 

She told me straight up she was never physically attracted to him even in the beginning. Since I live in a small area, and her friends were all getting married before the legal drinking age...even she jumped on the "Well, I better get married to the guy I dated in high school...just like everyone else in my neighborhood" lol

 

I was thinking, "Wow...in the first year of their marriage...how did that honeymoon go?" Did she lay there like a cold fish in the hotel or on the cruise ship...just tolerating the love making?

 

I knew of another woman like this, was only married like 4 years...had a kid with him...and now divorced and been on the online dating scene for years. She mentioned she was never attracted to her husband from the beginning.

 

I'm curious how women stomach having sex with someone that have wonderful, kind personalities, but...don't find them physically repulsive.

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Posted

Well I don't find him "repulsive"...just not attractive. We also have a history of attraction, frienship and sex in our younger days. So that's a familiar/comfort zone that makes sex welcome

Posted

If you don't find him attractive, why do you have sex with him then? Do you enjoy the sex? Than maybe you do find him attractive. Maybe you just find other men a lot more attractive. It doesn't mean you don't find him attractive.

Posted

You've found him attractive enough in the past to have sex with, but is there something missing? What did it feel like after you had sex with him before? Did it feel like the right thing to do or kind of weird like you should be friends?

 

I'd say think really carefully. You don't have to find him the most attractive guy in the world but there has to be something there. I've dated a few people I didn't find attractive and actually I really regret it. You can really love someone's personality but if you're not feeling attraction, it just doesn't hold together. I've been on the other side of the coin and I'm sure some guys who dated me didn't feel enough attraction. That doesn't do anyone any good because the person who isn't seen as attractive can tell and it wears at the self-esteem.

  • Author
Posted

We have always had satisfactory sex. No, never had a feeling of awkwardness or regret after. I even miss him right now and thinking about him. But, I don't look at him and think...he's so hot...or I can't wait to get his clothes off.. ?...That's how I felt about boyfriends in the past. But I still enjoy physical contact with him. I just don't get a strong feeling of passion when I look at him, but I don't know if that's required to have a happy relationship?

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