How important is attraction?

[rainrhonda]

I have a good guy friend that I have known many years. We have fun hanging out, being affectionate, and many same interests. We do like eachother on more than a friendship level. And he treats me very well. I enjoy his company and personality. Plus, he's known me so long and so well that I can be myself with no worries of judgement.

 

Only reason I haven't taken it to a more serious level...I don't find him very attractive to look at. I don't get that exciting feeling just by looking at him, but I do seem happy when with him.

 

So the dilemma is obvious, I guess. I have always dated men that I find pretty hot, I would even consider him probably the least unattractive of all of them. I would hate to pursue a bigger relationship and then end up hurting him, or ruining a friendship. But if I don't, there could come a day I regret not trying.

 

So I don't know what to do. I know he'd make a wonderful partner and I do care about him. But I honestly don't find hin very pleasurable in appearance, at all. Guess if I think anything is cute about him, it's all in his personality. But certainly don't get any feelings based on his looks alone. Would I be settling in a sense? I mean, most people find their partner attractive. I could see myself loving him dearly, but not loving anything about looks. It doesn't make sense. Looking for guidance. Thanks.

[basil67]

Do you desire him sexually? This is pretty much where your answer lies.

 

And what about his feelings for you? Does he want a relationship with you? If he does and you don't, you'd be better off releasing him so thathat can find a girl who loves him.

[LargoLagg]

I have a good guy friend that I have known many years. We have fun hanging out, being affectionate, and many same interests. We do like eachother on more than a friendship level. And he treats me very well. I enjoy his company and personality. Plus, he's known me so long and so well that I can be myself with no worries of judgement.

 

Only reason I haven't taken it to a more serious level...I don't find him very attractive to look at. I don't get that exciting feeling just by looking at him, but I do seem happy when with him.

 

So the dilemma is obvious, I guess. I have always dated men that I find pretty hot, I would even consider him probably the least unattractive of all of them. I would hate to pursue a bigger relationship and then end up hurting him, or ruining a friendship. But if I don't, there could come a day I regret not trying.

 

So I don't know what to do. I know he'd make a wonderful partner and I do care about him. But I honestly don't find hin very pleasurable in appearance, at all. Guess if I think anything is cute about him, it's all in his personality. But certainly don't get any feelings based on his looks alone. Would I be settling in a sense? I mean, most people find their partner attractive. I could see myself loving him dearly, but not loving anything about looks. It doesn't make sense. Looking for guidance. Thanks.

Don't get romantically involved. Love puts attraction goggles on your eyes. If it hasn't yet, it's not love. He deserves to be loved. So do you.

[phineas]

so what's the deal?

Is he just ugly in the face or overweight or too scrawny?

 

There has to be something you wish was changed about him.

[rainrhonda]

Do you desire him sexually? This is pretty much where your answer lies.

 

And what about his feelings for you? Does he want a relationship with you? If he does and you don't, you'd be better off releasing him so thathat can find a girl who loves him.

 

He wants a relationship but doesn't pressure me about it or make a big deal of it. He is just laid back that way. And we have been intimate and I enjoy that closeness with him. I just don't think he is very good looking. And we get along so very well. We have never argued about a single thing because we think a lot alike.

[rainrhonda]

so what's the deal?

Is he just ugly in the face or overweight or too scrawny?

 

There has to be something you wish was changed about him.

 

Yeah he is fairly overweight, and terrible looking teeth. But the nicest guy you could ever meet.

[lovestinkss]

Dont do it. I dated a good guy but I knew there was zero passion there. I figured it would come and it never did 3 1/2 years later. I started to want the passion and zest for my partner and ended up cheating because I wasn't true to myself about what I really wanted.

[rainrhonda]

There are times in our heated moments that I look and think I want to be with him. There are times I miss him if we don't hang out for awhile. But on other days, not so much any of that. So I'm clearly confused, maybe I should take that as a sign alone that I am better off keeping him as a friend.

[carhill]

I have a good guy friend that I have known many years. We have fun hanging out, being affectionate, and many same interests. We do like eachother on more than a friendship level. And he treats me very well. I enjoy his company and personality. Plus, he's known me so long and so well that I can be myself with no worries of judgement.

 

Sounds like a wonderful friend. Friendships which stand the test of time are IMO some of life's most valued gifts.

 

Only reason I haven't taken it to a more serious level...I don't find him very attractive to look at. I don't get that exciting feeling just by looking at him, but I do seem happy when with him.

If you don't want to grab him and kiss him like a lover, fuggetabout it. You've had plenty of personal contact, and likely intimate emotional contact and, if he isn't doing it for you, he likely never will.

 

So the dilemma is obvious, I guess. I have always dated men that I find pretty hot, I would even consider him probably the least unattractive of all of them. I would hate to pursue a bigger relationship and then end up hurting him, or ruining a friendship. But if I don't, there could come a day I regret not trying.

You can control your regret. IMO, stick firm to your style and don't waver. Don't play with him. BTDT with plenty of women. They seemingly are clueless about the havoc they wreak on the sincere love and attraction of a man. Don't be them. Please.

 

So I don't know what to do. I know he'd make a wonderful partner and I do care about him. But I honestly don't find hin very pleasurable in appearance, at all. Guess if I think anything is cute about him, it's all in his personality. But certainly don't get any feelings based on his looks alone.

IMO, gotta have looks you like. Doesn't matter if anyone else in the world likes. Just you.

Would I be settling in a sense? I mean, most people find their partner attractive. I could see myself loving him dearly, but not loving anything about looks. It doesn't make sense. Looking for guidance. Thanks.

Yes, IMO, you'd be settling, and at a level that is unhealthily elemental and injurious to both your emotional health. I say that having had numerous female friends who both loved and valued me greatly but not as a lover. Some of my most memorable moments of life have been with such people because, yup, they were sincere, honest, and loving. Be them. Sure, if you change your mind, and you can at any time, act on that, but go with the real. Don't settle or fake it or think it. Thanks!

[dpass]

Don't date someone you aren't attracted to, it won't work out.

 

I dated a woman for a while who was great and everything I could ask for on paper. Only thing was that I wasn't attracted to her. She wasn't hideous, overweight, etc. just not my type. Eventually I grew an attraction for her but it was to the point that I didn't find her unattractive, I never looked at her and thought "holy ****, she's sexy".

 

And that isn't fair to the partner. Everyone deserves to be with someone who thinks they are attractive. How would you feel if you were with a guy, madly in love, and he said he wasn't attracted to you?

[rainrhonda]

There is also that I knew him when he was much younger and cuter. But I was once that also. We have both changed a bit in our growing ages (we are 40 and met in our 20's). So in a way, I still think of him as that younger cuter guy and perhaps that is what motivates any attraction I might feel at all. But in reality, he is nowhere near as attractive as he used to be. For all I know he thinks the same of me and we could be on the exact same page with eachother..lol.

[phineas]

There is also that I knew him when he was much younger and cuter. But I was once that also. We have both changed a bit in our growing ages (we are 40 and met in our 20's). So in a way, I still think of him as that younger cuter guy and perhaps that is what motivates any attraction I might feel at all. But in reality, he is nowhere near as attractive as he used to be. For all I know he thinks the same of me and we could be on the exact same page with eachother..lol.

 

How much have you gained?

does he even care that at his age being overweight leads to health issues?

I know i'm aware and getting back into my avi shape.

 

my experience is telling someone to lose weight does not usually go well but you could probably use the health angle or get yourself on a regimen or pick up walking or hiking and ask if he wants to go with.

[KatZee]

If you find ANYTHING attractive about him, you can work with that. You don't have to love everything, but you have to like at least SOMETHING.

 

If you are completely unattracted to him, don't do it. It won't ever matter how well he treats you, in the end you'll wind up resenting him because you'll be missing fundamental ingredients for a truly fulfilling relationship.

 

I once dated a guy I never found attractive. He was a nice guy so I decided to give him a shot. I figured over time something would grow. 2+ years later, still nothing, and at this point, resentment was an all time high. I actually feel bad that I stayed with him as long as I did. He loved me and wanted to marry me, and for me to have his kids. All I did was look at him critically and give him an attitude b/c I was so unhappy no matter what he did.

 

If you like one or a few things, over time the rest of him will become attractive or at the least, tolerable and not unattractive.

[bachdude]

I've seen quite a number of threads started by women who have been in LTRs with men with a similar problem. The women say the guys treat them incredibly well, adore them, are kind, thoughtful, perfect on paper, etc, etc, yet..... they do not find them attractive and are coming here looking for advice.

 

 

The problem likely will not go away; not in one year, not in five years.

[imaginarium]

When I was 20 I dated a guy I didn't find attractive. Like your dilemma, really nice guy, treated me great, we had tons in common. 2 years later, I just wanted to be with someone I WANTED. I loved him, for sure, but wanted the whole package and we broke up.

 

Almost 15 years have passed since we met. We became friends, then best friends. We've lived together at points. I'm sure if I wanted a relationship he would take one, but I never let it get more than friendly. He's got a good job, he's responsible, reliable, honest. A truly great friend. But all these years later, I still don't have any attraction like that. It's never grown.

 

I've found someone who I love with all my heart, im in love with, that completes my life. I would have missed that if I had settled for a relationship of convenience and affection. And I would have cheated my friend out of the chance to find someone who loves him like that, because that's something I won't ever be able to offer him.

 

I wouldn't settle. It's not fair to anyone.

[bachdude]

He loved me and wanted to marry me, and for me to have his kids. All I did was look at him critically and give him an attitude b/c I was so unhappy no matter what he did.

 

 

OUCH! Yeah, please don't do this to the poor guy!

 

 

Gosh, so maybe this is the problem! Haha

[Imported]

Lets say you start taking him serious and begin dating him and pursuing romantic relations with him. What are the chances that if you see another man that gets your juices flowing and ticks a few of your other boxes, that you will.....go for him and forget about Mr. Noattraction?

 

I'd bet there is a 100% chance of that happening.

 

This is just the guy you're considering....till you find someone better. Do him a favor, just be a friend and move on.

[TheTraveler]

I have a good guy friend that I have known many years. We have fun hanging out, being affectionate, and many same interests. We do like eachother on more than a friendship level. And he treats me very well. I enjoy his company and personality. Plus, he's known me so long and so well that I can be myself with no worries of judgement.

 

Only reason I haven't taken it to a more serious level...I don't find him very attractive to look at. I don't get that exciting feeling just by looking at him, but I do seem happy when with him.

 

So the dilemma is obvious, I guess. I have always dated men that I find pretty hot, I would even consider him probably the least unattractive of all of them. I would hate to pursue a bigger relationship and then end up hurting him, or ruining a friendship. But if I don't, there could come a day I regret not trying.

 

So I don't know what to do. I know he'd make a wonderful partner and I do care about him. But I honestly don't find hin very pleasurable in appearance, at all. Guess if I think anything is cute about him, it's all in his personality. But certainly don't get any feelings based on his looks alone. Would I be settling in a sense? I mean, most people find their partner attractive. I could see myself loving him dearly, but not loving anything about looks. It doesn't make sense. Looking for guidance. Thanks.

 

This is easy. I would keep looking and discard this guy

[GoodOnPaper]

So I don't know what to do. I know he'd make a wonderful partner and I do care about him. But I honestly don't find hin very pleasurable in appearance, at all. Guess if I think anything is cute about him, it's all in his personality. But certainly don't get any feelings based on his looks alone. Would I be settling in a sense? I mean, most people find their partner attractive. I could see myself loving him dearly, but not loving anything about looks. It doesn't make sense. Looking for guidance. Thanks.

 

I don't recommend moving forward with a relationship. With such an attraction imbalance, there might be a chance of things working out if the man was less attracted, but I think it's far more dangerous to a relationship if it's the woman who's less attracted. The average woman is always going to have a lot more no-strings sex opportunities - and therefore, opportunities to stray - than the average man. Being in an LTR won't prevent those opportunities from coming up and if you are not sexually attracted to your partner to begin with, the odds of you resisting all of those other advances are pretty slim.

 

If a man is considering moving forward with a relationship in which he knows he is the one who is less attracted, most likely it's because he struggles to attract women in general - being in an LTR won't change that, so there's not really a threat to the relationship.

[Mystique01]

I have a good guy friend that I have known many years. We have fun hanging out, being affectionate, and many same interests. We do like eachother on more than a friendship level. And he treats me very well. I enjoy his company and personality. Plus, he's known me so long and so well that I can be myself with no worries of judgement.

 

Only reason I haven't taken it to a more serious level...I don't find him very attractive to look at. I don't get that exciting feeling just by looking at him, but I do seem happy when with him.

 

So the dilemma is obvious, I guess. I have always dated men that I find pretty hot, I would even consider him probably the least unattractive of all of them. I would hate to pursue a bigger relationship and then end up hurting him, or ruining a friendship. But if I don't, there could come a day I regret not trying.

 

So I don't know what to do. I know he'd make a wonderful partner and I do care about him. But I honestly don't find hin very pleasurable in appearance, at all. Guess if I think anything is cute about him, it's all in his personality. But certainly don't get any feelings based on his looks alone. Would I be settling in a sense? I mean, most people find their partner attractive. I could see myself loving him dearly, but not loving anything about looks. It doesn't make sense. Looking for guidance. Thanks.

 

 

I think a few years ago, my answer probably would have been slightly different, but after going through a breakup with a guy that I was DEFINITELY attracted to, let me say that my view has changed SIGNIFICANTLY.

 

 

Honestly ask yourself this question:

 

IF he were to start dating another woman seriously....how would that make you feel? Would you feel absolutely FINE with it? Or would you have a twinge of jealousy?

 

 

Also, how important are outer appearances to you? He could always lose weight, get braces, fix his teeth, get a new haircut, shop for new clothes, etc. But someone cannot easily change who they are as a person deep down in their heart.

 

It seems like you have a GOOD time when you're with him, he treats you well, you genuinely like him as a person, etc... Let me tell you, that does not come easily all the time in a relationship.

 

I would actually rather be with a guy who I was only minimally attracted to, but who treated me kindly, I felt comfortable with, rather than be with a guy who looked like a Greek Adonis, yet who treated me unkindly, was highly judgmental, not really in sync with me, etc.

 

 

OP, if this guy treats you very well....I say continue to spend time with him for a little longer, and see if more feelings develop over time....especially if you genuinely ENJOY your time with him.

 

Also, keep in mind.... Our society puts a LOT of undue pressure and focus on looks and outer appearances, but imo that has made many people skewed in their views and choices for a romantic partner. It's highly deceiving. There is more to attraction than just physical attractiveness. You can be attracted to a person due to their personality, their wit, how they come across, their sense of humor, how they carry themselves, the deep conversations you have with them, etc. There are MANY different forms of attraction, yet our society seems to focus on OUTER physical beauty the most, which I think is pretty sad.

 

How long have you two been dating? I know you said you knew him for over 20 years, but how long have you two been ROMANTICALLY-involved?

 

 

 

 

There is also that I knew him when he was much younger and cuter. But I was once that also. We have both changed a bit in our growing ages (we are 40 and met in our 20's). So in a way, I still think of him as that younger cuter guy and perhaps that is what motivates any attraction I might feel at all. But in reality, he is nowhere near as attractive as he used to be. For all I know he thinks the same of me and we could be on the exact same page with eachother..lol.

 

Let me tell you, looks come and go..... But if he's a genuinely good guy, that's worth his weight in gold as far as I'm concerned. Like I said earlier, my answer may have been different some years ago before going through what I went through.

 

But after being through a nightmare with a guy who was Physically, VERY attractive to me in my eyes, I realized that there's so much MORE to a relationship than "good looks". This guy treated me like dirt most of the time, but because I was so attracted to him, I let a lot of things slide. smh... Never again.

Edited December 15, 2016 by Mystique01

[rainrhonda]

How much have you gained?

does he even care that at his age being overweight leads to health issues?

I know i'm aware and getting back into my avi shape.

 

my experience is telling someone to lose weight does not usually go well but you could probably use the health angle or get yourself on a regimen or pick up walking or hiking and ask if he wants to go with.

 

I am probably 20 lbs more then back then. He is probably 40 lbs more. But neither of us are obese by any means. We are both just heavier. However, it's like he just doesn't carry it well and I just find it very unflattering for him.

 

I don't look at him and want to jump his bones. But I like kissing him and his arms around me, etc.

 

And it's true that better looking guys have always pretty much treated me bad. Or there was a problem clicking with him in some way or another. And I know I won't get any of that with this one.

 

I can see us a best friends taking good care of each other. Ultimately that's what we all want, right. This is a rare feeling to have, I don't know if I have ever felt that about someone.

 

I could keep him as a friend but then, probably would spend another few years hoping for a cuter version of him only for that not to happen and I'm 40....I don't want to be alone in my 40's.

 

So I still just don't know.

Edited December 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[phineas]

so you cuddle and kiss?

are you having sex with him or at least "helping him out" in some way?

 

as a man, i'd only cuddle with a female friend a few times before going for sex and if she declined she got no more cuddling from me.

 

Hell, i might even stop hanging out with her alone.

that's just annoying.

[rainrhonda]

so you cuddle and kiss?

are you having sex with him or at least "helping him out" in some way?

 

as a man, i'd only cuddle with a female friend a few times before going for sex and if she declined she got no more cuddling from me.

 

Hell, i might even stop hanging out with her alone.

that's just annoying.

 

Sometimes yes we have sex other times we just fall asleep cuddling.He doesn't pressure me into sex at all though. Just happens sometimes, other times it doesn't.

[rainrhonda]

There is something about him that must turn me on to some extent. I'm just not sure what that thing is, since it doesn't come from his looks. I don't get butterflies or anything, but it's hard to feel butterflies with someone you have known almost 20 years, I guess.

[phineas]

Sometimes yes we have sex other times we just fall asleep cuddling.He doesn't pressure me into sex at all though. Just happens sometimes, other times it doesn't.

 

as long as you aren't making him your [cuddle-friend].

Edited December 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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