Forgiveness of affairs

[kiyoma]

I see affairs are generally forgiven, specifically by men and the marriage survives. But would women forgive LT EA/PA of the WH, say of 4 years?

[RecentChange]

I am sure there are women who have, but I don't think I could. Four years is a long time to continually lie to your loved one.

 

I forgave my husband for his affair - it was 6 weeks! Certainly not 6 years.

 

I also have cheated and been forgiven, it was a sexual fling that lasted several months. I would not expect or even ask to be forgiven for a several year long EA / PA

[ladydesigner]

I am leaving my stbxwh because he had a 3 year LTA. I couldn't forgive and he never put in the work to help me heal.

[Mrs. John Adams]

To speculate proves nothing in my opinion....unless you have experienced it how would you know what you would do?

 

My husband says I crossed his line...but he still wanted me....so lines change as we are confronted by situations.

 

I can certainly say...no I would never forgive my husband if he had a 4 year affair....but thankfully..I have no idea what I would do.

[BoaConstrictor]

It's really hard to know. Four years. Was the contact daily? Weekly? Monthly? Yearly? Technically if someone slept with someone once a year for four years -- say at a work conference or something -- that would be a four-year affair, but that would be much different then a weekly meet-up on the sly, or an emotional affair with hundreds of texts daily for four years.

 

But I don't think anyone can truly know until they are faced with the situation.

[elaine567]

But would women forgive LT EA/PA of the WH, say of 4 years?

 

Some will, some won't.

It depends on many many different factors.

it is impossible to predict how your wife would react, as some who say that cheating would be a deal-breaker will stay, and others who say they would always want to work things through, divorce immediately.

 

I think a 4 year affair, would be very difficult for most women to ever forgive.

Of course staying married and forgiving may be two entirely different things.

[drifter777]

Not sure where your getting your information but it's not factual. Most men AND women try to reconcile with their cheating spouse. As we know it doesn't always work out. Men are more likely to divorce their WW after the initial shock of d-day wears off and they realize they cannot forgive.

[DKT3]

Statically speaking women are 7 times more likely to take back a WS. Honestly men actually rarely stay in the marriage after being cheated on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I see affairs are generally forgiven, specifically by men and the marriage survives. But would women forgive LT EA/PA of the WH, say of 4 years?

 

I think more women than men forgive but to answer your question, to me it is not so much about forgiveness as if one person had a relationship for years with an outside person, how can you just go back to the marriage like nothing happened? To me you just need to move on.

 

My friend's mother had an affair with her husband's best friend for 5 years. The husband discovered it, the mom ended it, they rug swept it and went on like nothing ever happened. They only talked about it for one day. Needless to say, my friend (actually an ex friend now) has massive problems with relationships. And the husband developed severe migraines where he had to sell his business and live in a dark room most of the time. No one could figure out what was wrong, the doctors said he was fine. I mean, really?

 

I never got that at all.

[BluesPower]

I think that is a long time.

 

But here is the deal, if 2 people actually love one another I think you can get over almost anything. But it is subjective.

 

But if you really are not in love, or just kind of in love, I don't think you can get over much.

 

But this stuff is just individual. I really don't care about my wife's affairs except her attitude and behavior afterwards. And believe it or not, there are worse things than affairs. I have lived that too.

 

But the worst of all of it IMHO is realizing that the only woman that you have ever really loved actually does not love you. That is where I get off the train.

 

Does she care about my affairs? I don't really think so. Which kind of leads me to the point above.

[understand50]

I see affairs are generally forgiven, specifically by men and the marriage survives. But would women forgive LT EA/PA of the WH, say of 4 years?

 

kiyoma,

 

I do not think your first part is are l question. No most men divorce wifes, or dump girl friends who cheat. I think you real question, and more to the point is "But would women forgive LT EA/PA of the WH, say of 4 years?" IN this case generally the longer the affair the higher risk of divorce, but in the end it depends on each couple. Most will split, but some do reconcile.

 

If this is a question about yourself, you need to dig into yourself and decide what you want. What makes sense for you. Myself, I think I would find it vary hard to forgive my wife if she engaged in a years long affair. When confronted, I may change my mind, so I hope never to have that chance. In any case, there is hope, both if you stay, or if you divorce. Life will get better, and you will persevere.

 

I wish you luck........

[DKT3]

I think more important then the length of the affair, is how the wayward spouse handles themselves after its discovered. I honestly believe that is why more women take the husband back. Men tend to be less emotionally attached, despite what many OW/MW would like to believe. This allows him to re-engage with his wife and toss the other woman under the bus. While MW tend to protect OM, disregard the husband and get stuck in an emotional no man's land.

[BTDT2012]

Before I was faced with the reality of a long term affair I would have said no.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The thing is...we can sit here all day speculating what we would do if??? and when push comes to shove...we may do what we predicted we would never do.

 

there are too many variables ....

 

You do what you have to do when it happens to you. There is no right or wrong answer. what one person can tolerate may not be what another person can tolerate and in the end it doesn't matter.

 

Today i have thought a lot about whats the right way and whats the wrong way.

 

For those of us who experienced infidelity pre internet....we did not have forums to tell us how we are supposed to handle infidelity. We just plowed through doing the best we could do. We all make mistakes along the way.

 

If it works for you and your spouse...then who is to say you did it right or wrong.

 

Infidelity is horrible...if it lasts one day or 1460 days...if it is a PA or an EA...it still destroys and changes who we are.

[ladydesigner]

I think more important then the length of the affair, is how the wayward spouse handles themselves after its discovered. I honestly believe that is why more women take the husband back. Men tend to be less emotionally attached, despite what many OW/MW would like to believe. This allows him to re-engage with his wife and toss the other woman under the bus. While MW tend to protect OM, disregard the husband and get stuck in an emotional no man's land.

 

This part is HUGE! I took my stbxwh back after DDay 1,2,3... and even after False R. It was his treatment of me during and post A that has affected me more than the A itself.

[ladydesigner]

The thing is...we can sit here all day speculating what we would do if??? and when push comes to shove...we may do what we predicted we would never do.

 

there are too many variables ....

 

You do what you have to do when it happens to you. There is no right or wrong answer. what one person can tolerate may not be what another person can tolerate and in the end it doesn't matter.

 

Today i have thought a lot about whats the right way and whats the wrong way.

 

For those of us who experienced infidelity pre internet....we did not have forums to tell us how we are supposed to handle infidelity. We just plowed through doing the best we could do. We all make mistakes along the way.

 

If it works for you and your spouse...then who is to say you did it right or wrong.

 

Infidelity is horrible...if it lasts one day or 1460 days...if it is a PA or an EA...it still destroys and changes who we are.

 

Mrs. JA you are so invaluable here. Your posts always bring tears to my eyes. I really wanted my M to work, but sometimes it just doesn't Like you have said many times both people have to want it bad enough and unfortunately we did not want it bad enough at the same time.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mrs. JA you are so invaluable here. Your posts always bring tears to my eyes. I really wanted my M to work, but sometimes it just doesn't Like you have said many times both people have to want it bad enough and unfortunately we did not want it bad enough at the same time.

 

I know you wanted it...and you did everything you could. Sometimes...it just isn't enough.

 

Why does it work for some and not for others? I don't know. God I did so many things wrong...

 

I asked John tonight...(I have cried all day...even now...sometimes it is just overwhelming)..why did you stay?

 

he said because i love you...and I knew if I left...it would be forever because that's who i am....and i did not want to be without you. Now what can I possibly say to that?

 

There are so many things we should have done differently..but we did not know any better...we just kept going.

 

Sweetheart...You are so dear to my heart...I know how much you wanted this to work...forgive yourself love...you did your best....and you cant do it alone.

 

so many here are quick to judge...and the truth is...we are all in the same boat...just passing around the life-preserver trying to keep our heads above the water.

 

Here's my hand love...grab on

[aileD]

Four years assuming it was intense and a relationship and bond formed? I would try to forgive. But I don't know if it would be possible . I guess it would depend on H level of regret, and commitment to R. There would have to be a lot of soul searching to consider it

[elaine567]

Four years assuming it was intense and a relationship and bond formed? I would try to forgive. But I don't know if it would be possible . I guess it would depend on H level of regret, and commitment to R. There would have to be a lot of soul searching to consider it

.. or a lot of money involved...

[BetrayedH]

I haven't seen the statistic that men are 7 times more likely to leave. That feels extreme to me.

 

What I have seen is that the vast majority betrayed spouses do make at least an initial attempt to reconcile. As I recall, it was 85% of men and over 90% of women.

 

The most significant factor I have seen when it comes to reconciling has to do with whether or not there was a voluntary confession (versus a discovery). At the two year post-Dday mark, twice as many remained married if a voluntary disclosure had occurred. If the affair was instead discovered, only 35% remained married (and I recall that only half of them reported being "happy."). I don't know of any other variable that has this much of an impact but reliable stats are notoriously difficult to come by.

 

In my view, you've got the best odds if the betrayed spouse is a woman and if you've voluntarily confessed. Of course, I suspect demonstrating remorse with real actions is also a pretty big deal.

[aileD]

.. or a lot of money involved...

 

Maybe! Personally I wouldn't stay for money. I couldn't fake it

[LargoLagg]

Tonight, my wife was reading some texts from my best man, who texted her to find out if I was OK. I forgot to reset the ringer on my phone after church (Sunday), and so I didn't pay any attention to calls and texts for days.

 

When we were talking about that, she said that she was dreading the "A" word - Alzheimers. I said, "Oh, I thought you were going to say 'affair' or 'adultery'"

 

She laughed heartily, and said "OMG, I am so beyond that" then quickly added, "maybe I shouldn't say it that way."

 

I said "I think I get what you mean. It would not be so important now as it was a long time ago. 'Take my husband off my hands for a few months! PLEASE!' "

 

She laughed and said "yes, something like that."

 

Did I just get an informal hall pass?

 

You know, after a while (married for a long, long, long time, before you ask), marriage feels like it really is forever, whether you like it or not!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Tonight, my wife was reading some texts from my best man, who texted her to find out if I was OK. I forgot to reset the ringer on my phone after church (Sunday), and so I didn't pay any attention to calls and texts for days.

 

When we were talking about that, she said that she was dreading the "A" word - Alzheimers. I said, "Oh, I thought you were going to say 'affair' or 'adultery'"

 

She laughed heartily, and said "OMG, I am so beyond that" then quickly added, "maybe I shouldn't say it that way."

 

I said "I think I get what you mean. It would not be so important now as it was a long time ago. 'Take my husband off my hands for a few months! PLEASE!' "

 

She laughed and said "yes, something like that."

 

Did I just get an informal hall pass?

 

You know, after a while (married for a long, long, long time, before you ask), marriage feels like it really is forever, whether you like it or not!

 

Yes it does...we are coming up on 45 and I was 17 when we married...so I cannot imagine not sharing my life with this man. I know his thoughts...his expressions...his hurts...and his joys.

 

While infidelity changes you...it does not define who you are.

 

and he is my best friend...and my lover...

 

and he always will be

[dichotomy]

My wife had an EA but it was complicated and painful EA.

 

I suppose stereotypical for me as a man - if it was an actually sexual on top of EA I would not have stayed.

 

In any case I dont think I ever really forgave her -in part because she was late with only partial remorse. So I just kind of processed it and learned to live with the loss.

 

But to the point of this thread - Duration - I caught my wife fairly early after the wedding. If it (EA) had gone on for years after our marriage - I would have ended the marriage. Long term EA or PA are very difficult things. Its also rare I think that an EA can go on for years without it slipping into sex at some point. So the length of the affair I think matters to the decision to stay married.

Edited December 15, 2016 by dichotomy

[JohnAdams]

I remember in years prior to my wife's affair discussing affairs just as a general topic of discussion. She said if she ever had an affair she knew I would never forgive her but she would forgive me if I had one. Interesting that knowing or at least thinking this, she did indeed go forward and have an affair. I did forgive her, but, I do think it took years to really do it as I was not sure what forgiveness was as she was not sure what remorse was.

 

You do not know what your reaction to an affair would be until it happens to you. In reality, my line was crossed, I would have also have said I would not have forgiven an affair. So, when I read would you forgive a one year affair, a four year affair, I would think not, but, I forgave more than I thought possible. So, I would never say what the line is.

 

It is interesting to speculate, but reality is often very different. Would I tolerate a second affair? I do not think so and I do not want to find out, but I have learned you never know until it happens to you.