Is this leading anywhere?

[penguins1010]

This will be a long read but I am in desperate need of advice so here goes:

 

 

I meet someone 4 years ago online on POF. I have never meet anyone that intrigued me or kept my interested the way she has. We have only meet in person twice and that has been over a year ago. I have tried several times to stop talking to her but we always end coming back to each other even though it is only by phone. I feel we have meet each other for a reason but at the wrong time in our lives and wonder if the timing will ever be right. I want to move on and date again, but I can't seem to shake her. No one has ever felt so right to me. But then I feel silly because I don't think we will ever be and I feel I am being held back by all of this but I don't know how to let it go. So many things in our lives are so similar. Such as things we are going thru, significant dates of things that have happened. It's like we feel the same things at the same times. I was never one to believe in things like this but I somehow feel that our souls are connected. And I don't know what it is about her but I just can't get excited about anyone else no matter how much I want to. I feel totally in love with this person that I don't think I will ever have.

 

 

Has anyone else went thru anything similar to this? I have never in my life felt so connected to someone and it makes me feel so silly because it's like I'm putting my life on hold for someone that isn't even here. Thanks for the read.

[Lorenza]

Why can't you try dating each other? Does she live somewhere far away from you?

[kendahke]

This will be a long read but I am in desperate need of advice so here goes:

 

 

I meet someone 4 years ago online on POF. I have never meet anyone that intrigued me or kept my interested the way she has. We have only meet in person twice and that has been over a year ago.

 

Why has a year gone by and you haven't met up again? Why can't you two make a plan to meet and do it?

 

 

I have tried several times to stop talking to her but we always end coming back to each other even though it is only by phone. I feel we have meet each other for a reason but at the wrong time in our lives and wonder if the timing will ever be right.

 

If you've only met her twice and that was over a year ago, then you're actually building an artificial construct around who you think she is and not who she really is. Your imagination has filled in the blanks and that may be no where near close to being who she actually is. Phone calls are not good enough to maintain interest and grow a relationship. You two need to have way more face-to-face interaction; otherwise, all you really are are electronic pen pals-by-cell phone.

 

I want to move on and date again, but I can't seem to shake her.

 

Then do it. Change is never hard to do. You just do it. The decision to change is what's hard.

 

No one has ever felt so right to me.

 

that usually is the case when one has been given the space and time to construct who they wish for the person to be instead of having in person contact with who they really are.

 

But then I feel silly because I don't think we will ever be and I feel I am being held back by all of this but I don't know how to let it go. So many things in our lives are so similar. Such as things we are going thru, significant dates of things that have happened. It's like we feel the same things at the same times. I was never one to believe in things like this but I somehow feel that our souls are connected. And I don't know what it is about her but I just can't get excited about anyone else no matter how much I want to. I feel totally in love with this person that I don't think I will ever have.

 

You're totally in love with who you think she is. You haven't spent any in-person time with her in over a year.

 

Has anyone else went thru anything similar to this? I have never in my life felt so connected to someone and it makes me feel so silly because it's like I'm putting my life on hold for someone that isn't even here.

 

Yeah and when it happened to me, it was because of a catfish. The mind is a very powerful thing. It will convince you of things that really have no basis in reality.

 

Your first task is to get some frequent, in-person interaction going on with her.

[penguins1010]

You are probably right. I have constructed the perfect partner that I have always dreamed off in my mind and she has probably done the same thing. I guess I need to just stop pretending and actually focus on someone that I can see in person. I know she is not a catfish and she is who she says. But she just has a lot of baggage and I don't know if that will ever go away.

[kendahke]

You are probably right. I have constructed the perfect partner that I have always dreamed off in my mind and she has probably done the same thing. I guess I need to just stop pretending and actually focus on someone that I can see in person. I know she is not a catfish and she is who she says. But she just has a lot of baggage and I don't know if that will ever go away.

 

Why haven't you two seen each other in over a year?

 

What kinds of obligations does she have going on that she can't meet with you? How far away from each other are you two?

[smackie9]

All you have to do is block and delete........

[kendahke]

The less time you spend building a relationship over the phone and the more time you spend in person with someone you're building a relationship with the better.

[penguins1010]

I live about 3 hours away... Her dad recently passed away and she moved it with him for awhile to take care of him. I know there is a lot going on in her life. But I think she just doesn't want to lose me as a pen-pal so to speak. I'm just someone different outside of her regular circle.

[joseb]

Why did it take three years to meet???

Then just two times in a year?

 

this seems like a serious waste of time and energy.

 

Either date her properly, or move on.

[angel.eyes]

I live about 3 hours away... Her dad recently passed away and she moved it with him for awhile to take care of him. I know there is a lot going on in her life. But I think she just doesn't want to lose me as a pen-pal so to speak. I'm just someone different outside of her regular circle.

 

So basically, you're her free therapist offering on-demand, unlimited phone services/messaging to get her through her day and personal life issues? No surprise that she doesn't want to lose that. To respond to your thread title, this is leading to a gigantic waste of time.

 

You've met twice in four years! I'm sorry, but what you feel is not love, and you aren't soul mates. If either were true, you would both have felt compelled to meet more than twice in the four years you've been communicating. Even couples living on different continents meet more than twice in four years. She wouldn't dodge a third in-person meeting for over a year.

 

Either you meet in person on a regular basis, which doesn't seem to be in the cards, or you quit putting your life on hold indefinitely for her and move on to someone who can actually date you in person on a regular (e.g. weekly) basis. That's the foundation for building a relationship--spending time together...in-person...not phone calls and messaging for four years with two dates thrown in.

 

At some point, please examine why you were okay with this arrangement. Deep down, are you afraid of relationships? Why did you hang around for four years when she stalled like this?

[penguins1010]

You are right angel eyes. I probably am only a therapist, I make her feel good when she is going through hard times. Maybe deep down I am afraid of relationships. I have been hurt so bad in the past and feel like I have wasted so much time and effort with the wrong ones. Something feels right about her and it is probably just all in my mind. Since I don't have to deal with her on a day to day basis I have formed this unhealthy attachment to her. I don't know what I want anymore ugh.

[angel.eyes]

Once burned. Twice shy. It's understandable that you don't want to get hurt again. But avoiding what you truly want--a loving relationship--by choosing a dead-end arrangement such as this phone buddy/pen pal isn't the answer either. You're still wasting time. Think about all the time you're investing in this woman who has no interest in meeting you in person again.

 

From your history, the issue was selecting the wrong people. The solution to that isn't finding the wrong person and never meeting--which is the path you've taken. Rather, it's figuring out how to pick someone who is a better match for you.

 

How were these women from your past wrong for you? What red flags did you overlook with them? Why did you pick them anyway despite the warning signs? What have you learned and how should you adjust your picker when evaluating potential partners?

[penguins1010]

Thanks for the reply angel eyes. I think my problem is I try to make everyone happy and fix things for them. But in the end I am only making myself miserable and leaving myself broken. I need to find someone that compliments me and doesn't only drain me. Someone that is there for me just as I am willing to be for them. Maybe I should take some time for myself and figure out what I truly want in someone. Hopefully this person does exist. I just feel so alone sometimes.

[TheAntiHero]

"But she just has a lot of baggage"

 

You say this and say she's the woman of your dreams?

 

Maybe you should reconsider what you're looking for in a woman.

Edited December 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[angel.eyes]

Thanks for the reply angel eyes. I think my problem is I try to make everyone happy and fix things for them. But in the end I am only making myself miserable and leaving myself broken. I need to find someone that compliments me and doesn't only drain me. Someone that is there for me just as I am willing to be for them. Maybe I should take some time for myself and figure out what I truly want in someone. Hopefully this person does exist. I just feel so alone sometimes.

 

Figure out why you are drawn to fixer-uppers. Your picker is broken if the women you choose for relationships all leave you drained from the fixing that you take on.

 

What is it about women who need help or a guy to fix their life that is so attractive to you? Why are you drawn to this type of woman, and not to all the self-sufficient, capable, emotionally healthy women out there? Until you figure this out, women who can be there for you, won't be attractive to you. You'll look right past them in search of your next project.

[RealGood]

This will be a long read but I am in desperate need of advice so here goes:

 

 

I meet someone 4 years ago online on POF. I have never meet anyone that intrigued me or kept my interested the way she has. We have only meet in person twice and that has been over a year ago. I have tried several times to stop talking to her but we always end coming back to each other even though it is only by phone. I feel we have meet each other for a reason but at the wrong time in our lives and wonder if the timing will ever be right. I want to move on and date again, but I can't seem to shake her. No one has ever felt so right to me. But then I feel silly because I don't think we will ever be and I feel I am being held back by all of this but I don't know how to let it go. So many things in our lives are so similar. Such as things we are going thru, significant dates of things that have happened. It's like we feel the same things at the same times. I was never one to believe in things like this but I somehow feel that our souls are connected. And I don't know what it is about her but I just can't get excited about anyone else no matter how much I want to. I feel totally in love with this person that I don't think I will ever have.

 

 

Has anyone else went thru anything similar to this? I have never in my life felt so connected to someone and it makes me feel so silly because it's like I'm putting my life on hold for someone that isn't even here. Thanks for the read.

 

You are being held back by an online fantasy you created in your own mind. It is a dream world, where you don't really know the person so your mind fills in the blanks your soul wants to see in a partner. Once you understand that, you will see you need to have a real, non-online, relationship that is real.

[RealGood]

So basically, you're her free therapist offering on-demand, unlimited phone services/messaging to get her through her day and personal life issues? No surprise that she doesn't want to lose that.

 

So true. I love this.

[RealGood]

So basically, you're her free therapist offering on-demand, unlimited phone services/messaging to get her through her day and personal life issues? No surprise that she doesn't want to lose that.

 

This is actually the main reason why you see so many online catfish stories or online fake lead-on stories (where they keep engaging without the real responsibilities of a real relationship) mostly led by attention-seeking women with 17 online boyfriends. Watch out and don't let these selfish people ruin your romantic energy and real life opportunities.

[penguins1010]

Thank you all for the great advice. I am going to take some time for me and figure out what is holding me back. I have a lot to give but I also need someone who is willing to give back.

[kendahke]

This is actually the main reason why you see so many online catfish stories or online fake lead-on stories (where they keep engaging without the real responsibilities of a real relationship) mostly led by attention-seeking women with 17 online boyfriends. Watch out and don't let these selfish people ruin your romantic energy and real life opportunities.

 

That depends upon the ages of the people involved. IME, a lot of them are male scammers sitting in front of a computer monitor in Ghana or Benin weaving lies to entrap both men and women.

 

This isn't this guy's problem. He's at least seen the woman with his own eyes. The problem is that she can't be who OP needs because she's got too much going on in her life to devote to a relationship. She gives just enough to keep OP on the hook--and to some extent, this has served OP's purposes since he's let this situation go on without insisting upon spending more time with her. I understand she has a sick father, but I'm sure she's got an hour somewhere in the 365+ days that have gone by where she can meet OP for a coffee and conversation in person.

 

 

What is clear is the this chick doesn't have enough interest in OP for OP to keep this alive. You can't date your imagination--you have to date real people. She isn't real enough for him for this to even be worth his time.

Edited December 20, 2016 by kendahke

[penguins1010]

Your right. I'm sure she has someone else and I just seem like a good idea when things aren't well between them. I'm wasting so much time and effort for not much in return. I've decided it's best if I put an end to this starting today.