Wanting suggestions for situation I seem to be stuck in

[mrada34]

So it's been almost a full 8 months since my last breakup. Things got so weird and hard during between us during it. I admit to have gotten a little clingy at the end. I really wanted things to work out for us and wanted to work on our complications, but it took me a long time to learn that she really didn't want to continue, for whatever reason she had. And I had to respect it. It really shook me up, though. I don't really know what's going on with me. It's like I know the relationship is over. And even though I even believe in my heart too that she really isn't good for me, I still can't seem to stop living in my past mistake that I made of appearing too needy and bothering her trying to fight to keep the relationship alive. I want more than anything to just reach out and say "hey. I'm sorry for making things so hard between each other." or something like that. I mean, it has been quite a long time for things to cool down. But she's made it very clear she doesn't want to talk with me again. And I do want to respect that wish of hers as well. But I don't know what to do about it. I can't go through a single day without it constantly protruding my mind. Things only got weird between us because I made it so for not leaving her feelings alone when she asked for them to be and for our relationship to end. I just feel like I'm in a rut. And though it has gotten better, it still gets my mind and heart racing when I think about it. It's even affected my relationships with friends and other people as well. I feel like I'll be misunderstood if I put too much care into something now. But I also feel like I'll be misunderstood if I put too little of care into something. I just don't want to make the same mistake that I made with her ever again. But I know that this isn't a very healthy way of living my life either. So, was just wanting to a) rant and vent some frustration and b) see if anyone had any suggestions on what I could or should do about this almost obsession of mine to at least make things not so weird between me and her. I'm usually not a very needy person. But for some reason I just am with this and it's confusing and concerning me very much.

[LostOnes05]

Sorry you're going through this. I know it sucks. But absolutely do not contact her. It will make you look weaker and give her more reason to not want to talk. If you must, write a letter with everything you would say if you had the chance. But never send it. The letter is for you to let it out so that you can move on. Continue no contact and get working on you. Get back in the gym, find new hobbies, etc. It will be difficult but you can overcome it.

[spiderowl]

I can understand you wanting to make things better again, if you felt they went weird, but as she is not talking it is not possible. You could write all this down, tell us even. Perhaps you are trying to understand what happened and that is why you want to make it right between you because that would mean it was all understood and resolved. It is hard when you don't understand what happened.

 

It is difficult when someone cuts off. That is the end for them but not for you; you still want to interact with them. I suppose it is a primitive instinct for people living in a group; no one person can afford to have 'enemies' within that group because (a) it puts them more at risk; and (b) it can bring shame on a person. I am talking about feelings in a primitive group rather than a romantic relationship but similar things can apply.

 

I read recently that guys are better at 'making up' than women, maybe because they feel the need because of team work when hunting (going back to that primitive feelings thing). If you have the instinct to make up and it has been thwarted, then you are bound to feel distressed and lost. Maybe writing it down and writing what you want to make better between you and how you would resolve it would release some of those frustrated feelings. I am not suggesting you send her a letter or any communication but just a way of helping you to feel that you are resolving these feelings in some way. Then to put it behind you and move on if possible.

[mrada34]

I can understand you wanting to make things better again, if you felt they went weird, but as she is not talking it is not possible. You could write all this down, tell us even. Perhaps you are trying to understand what happened and that is why you want to make it right between you because that would mean it was all understood and resolved. It is hard when you don't understand what happened.

 

Maybe that's it. Not sure. The truth concerning that is that I'm still not really sure what went wrong. I have my suspicions though. I think that her final verdict on me came from a misunderstanding. I really liked her. My main form of showing affection to someone romantically is through words. I don't feel I'm overbearing with them or anything and, honestly, try to keep myself in check because I know there's a point when it gets to be too much. She was the type of person who didn't take compliments very well though. I thought it was very cute at first because, you know, she got shy when I would say something flirty or compliment her in some way. But I didn't really *need* or ever ask for reciprocation. All I ever asked was for her to be her because that's the person who I fell for. But still, she never really responded well when I tried to do "boyfriendy" stuff with her. (Couldn't think of a better phrase.) She opened up later in the relationship with me that she wasn't very good with relationships or conveying feelings and that she has been struggling with depression through most of her life. I knew that would maybe take a blow to us, but I thought we would still make it because even after she said that, still all I told her was that all I wanted from her was her and to just be a little part of her life as we kept moving forward. Things still, obviously, didn't work out. When she left she said that a) she never really felt the way I did about her and thought she could fake it til she made it and b) that she would never be able to support me emotionally. It was just weird to have someone say, "I'm not good enough for you" and that be the reason they left. I assured her that she, indeed, was and was confused why she felt the way she did. But that's all I ever received. "She just wasn't on the same emotional level as me." I don't know. The thing I really regret, though, was fighting for it after she put it to an end. And not respecting her wishes at first. It took me a longer time than necessary for me to finally say, "ok. I respect your decision." But things got so weird and hard in between that time. It made me feel ashamed to think that I came across too emotionally needy for someone, when I didn't mean to come across that way. And now, I've made such a fool of myself that I feel I've scared her off forever and completely lost respect in her eyes. (Which shouldn't be important, I know. But it still hurts to think that I caused it.) Anyways, that's my rant on it all. Don't know if that shed anymore light on it or not.