To anyone beginning or thinking of having an A with a married partner

[jennifernyc84]

Get out while you can!!!

 

I can assure you, there is no greater pain in the universe that one can physically feel without dying.

 

You become delusional. Like a shell of what you used to be. You become a liar. You become a thief. You become desperate like a drug addict, you'll do anything for one more hit.

 

It's lonely. It's cold. It's scary. You feel like a reject.

 

It's nice to hear them say "one day", but what about all the "not today's".

 

You put your life on hold, while they're out with their wives/husbands and kids.

 

You spend holidays alone. Birthdays? those are for spouses. But maybe you'll get the next weekend.

 

Whole other couples post pictures and share happy moments with friends, you have to keep your relationship quiet because you can't let anyone else find out.

 

It's absolut hell for your ego, or confidence. It makes you a terrible untrusting person.

 

If you don't believe me, read my threads.

 

My advice is get out while you can. I had so many people tell me the same. But I didn't listen. Just like you probably won't.

[freengreen]

I listen to Pink's Just like a Pill... it strikes like a thunder.

 

what you said is true. Mine was an EA, not any lesser pain, trust me. He was just a normal guy ( almost) but I gave him a cape. While I sometimes get angry because he wasnt so noble, othertimes I think it makes it easier to wean off an affair.

 

After everything now I feel I dint have all real feeling either but definetly not so 'prize' minded as him. I think he always played accordingly to get a specific outcome. I was bloody foolish but not as outright fake. I was carried away and I the epiphany is hitting me now . YET, I remember his banter ( i cant figure out why but I think it will fade soon).

[notmyselfnow]

Get out while you can!!!

 

I can assure you, there is no greater pain in the universe that one can physically feel without dying.

 

 

No greater pain? Nah. Being betrayed is worse.

[BoaConstrictor]

No greater pain? Nah. Being betrayed is worse.

Have you experienced both? I would think only someone who has experienced both would be able to comment on that, and even then, the circumstances might be different enough to belie comparison.

[GollumsNightmare]

Raising my hand. Experienced both.

 

No comparison. Sorry.

[BTDT2012]

Raising my hand. Experienced both.

 

No comparison. Sorry.

I agree with you.

[aileD]

Have you experienced both? I would think only someone who has experienced both would be able to comment on that, and even then, the circumstances might be different enough to belie comparison.

 

Just a quick comment on that and I don't want to take over OP thread. WS and AP both agree to be in the affair. They make a choice to do it. Yes, for sure the pain is real . Of course it is and it's bad as you read here all the time. But I'm some sense, it was always a possibility when AP decides to get involved. They know they're not going to get holidays and public time and will have to keep secret.

 

The BS pain? They didn't have a choice in this at all. They already had a life they thought was real it it was ripped away from them and they had no control over it. There is nothing worse than that I think.

 

Anyway. OP. Still very proud of you. You have come a long way. You're doing the right thing for yourself and I know you are going to flourish. I can see you have it in you. Stay strong !

[RecentChange]

Raising my hand. Experienced both.

 

No comparison. Sorry.

 

I have experience both.

 

I didn't fall for my married other man, so that wasn't any heart wrench or pain, he didn't have that sort of power over me - I knew to keep my emotions out of it.

 

Now - comparing the pain I felt when my husband cheated years ago, to the pain I felt when I realized how badly I had hurt him with my own cheating - it's kinda a toss up.

 

I think his cheating was long enough ago that my memories of the pain at the time have perhaps lessened, but both sucked.

[jennifernyc84]

No greater pain? Nah. Being betrayed is worse.

 

Oh I don't doubt that for a second. It must me beyond comparison. I'm sorry if I offended you in any way.

 

But I was specifically addressing people who are single, and find themselves compelled to a married partner.

 

I've never been in your situation so I can't comment on that. But being lied to repeatedly over the corse of time is like being killed over and over.

 

All I'm saying is it hurts

[Foreverago]

Here's the thing that people who willingly enter affairs don't seem to get, and this is for everyone and while I acknowledge your pain-again, I've been there-there is plenty of life things that are more painful than the selfish choice to screw around with someone who is taken and not leaving.

 

Being betrayed emotionally, physically and spiritually by someone you built a life with. Seeing your family fall apart. Cancer. The illness of a spouse or beloved family member. Your child going missing. Losing a child to death. Losing your parents before their time. Sexual abuse as a child. The list goes on and on.

 

The great thing here, and what I hope you take from this: is lover heart break, while it does hurt in the moment, is not at all the end of the world. You chose poorly like a lot of us did, but it's not going to kill you. You'll cry and you scream about the rejection but then you'll move on and you'll love again.

 

I'm married now. Happily so. With a child and a home and celebrations and just honest living. If you would've asked me while I was in the midst of being a mistress that life would change, I wouldn't have believed you. Not fully. But here I am telling you that you will live and love again. And this whole mistake, unless you choose to stay in it emotionally forever, will be one of the things you got through but it won't even be in the top 20 of your life experiences when you are at the end of your own life. Not even close. It'll be a blimp of a bad dream.

 

Just breathe. Block. Walk away and get to living.

[jennifernyc84]

Here's the thing that people who willingly enter affairs don't seem to get, and this is for everyone and while I acknowledge your pain-again, I've been there-there is plenty of life things that are more painful than the selfish choice to screw around with someone who is taken and not leaving.

 

Being betrayed emotionally, physically and spiritually by someone you built a life with. Seeing your family fall apart. Cancer. The illness of a spouse or beloved family member. Your child going missing. Losing a child to death. Losing your parents before their time. Sexual abuse as a child. The list goes on and on.

 

The great thing here, and what I hope you take from this: is lover heart break, while it does hurt in the moment, is not at all the end of the world. You chose poorly like a lot of us did, but it's not going to kill you. You'll cry and you scream about the rejection but then you'll move on and you'll love again.

 

I'm married now. Happily so. With a child and a home and celebrations and just honest living. If you would've asked me while I was in the midst of being a mistress that life would change, I wouldn't have believed you. Not fully. But here I am telling you that you will live and love again. And this whole mistake, unless you choose to stay in it emotionally forever, will be one of the things you got through but it won't even be in the top 20 of your life experiences when you are at the end of your own life. Not even close. It'll be a blimp of a bad dream.

 

Just breathe. Block. Walk away and get to living.

 

 

I agree with you totally.

 

But you don't know the whole story. I loved him before he was married. Before he even knew his wife existed. I knew him from the time we were kids and I loved him even before I knew what that even meant.

[Foreverago]

I read your previous post. In the end, it does not matter how long you've had feelings for him. He didn't choose you. That's all that there is. You are prolonging your pain, no one else. You WILL move on, and what's around the corner is way more interesting and exhilarating than staying in your self imposed hell.

 

My exMM was my very first kiss and sexual experience. It doesn't matter. Zero. Zilch. He can be off growing mushrooms out of his ass for all I know and care. I came here as a lurker years ago during that time and stopped back in to share a few months ago how things change. I checked back in recently to see how someone who's story I followed was doing now that she's been NC for months. She's gone now, I'm assuming and hoping well into the moving on stage.

 

This pain will pass. It always does.

[OneLov]

Ah, the Pain Olympics. So who wins the gold medal again?

 

Sorry OP, I ran out of things to shame you about. Please post more so I can invalidate your subjective experiences with my little to no knowledge of your individual circumstances. I will make sure to be real backhanded, so it can be published under the auspices of being in the spirit of this forum. It's not trolling if it's not funny--South Park taught me that!

 

Come on. I'm ready. Fire it up!

[William]

For members wishing to discuss the particulars of the thread starter's relationship milieu related to affairs, please see this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/605698-will-i-ever-his-1-a

 

For general comments, feel free to make them in this thread, moved to GRD because of the general nature of the topic. Thanks!

[eye of the storm]

...But you don't know the whole story. I loved him before he was married. Before he even knew his wife existed. I knew him from the time we were kids and I loved him even before I knew what that even meant.

 

Jennifer, you have got to change the narrative in your head. Even though you are trying to NC, you keep talking about your A like its a star crossed lovers fairy tale. "I loved him before... I loved him even before"....you loved him. He doesn't love you. If he loved you before he knew his W existed he would not have married her.

 

I know you are working on separating from him. NC is hard but it is the best tool you have. But to make it easier on yourself, stop painting this as a romance and look at it realistically. It wasn't a great love affair. It was an affair. To him, you were 2nd best. To him, you were an ego boost. You deserve to be more. But only you can decide that. And only you can demand that.

 

As far as pain levels go, I always remind myself, no matter how bad I have it....somebody else has it worse. I don't think we should be having a competition on who suffers more. We should just try to support each other (sometimes with very tough love).

[jennifernyc84]

Jennifer, you have got to change the narrative in your head. Even though you are trying to NC, you keep talking about your A like its a star crossed lovers fairy tale. "I loved him before... I loved him even before"....you loved him. He doesn't love you. If he loved you before he knew his W existed he would not have married her.

 

I know you are working on separating from him. NC is hard but it is the best tool you have. But to make it easier on yourself, stop painting this as a romance and look at it realistically. It wasn't a great love affair. It was an affair. To him, you were 2nd best. To him, you were an ego boost. You deserve to be more. But only you can decide that. And only you can demand that.

 

As far as pain levels go, I always remind myself, no matter how bad I have it....somebody else has it worse. I don't think we should be having a competition on who suffers more. We should just try to support each other (sometimes with very tough love).

 

 

Never said I suffered more than anyone else. I'm just saying I wish i would've known before this mess started, what kind of pain it would be. That's all

 

I know everyone tried telling me, but I guess there's some things you have to experience for your self.

[Gloria25]

If people entered into affairs without expectations of the WS destroying their family for them and keeping their expectations real/in check, there wouldn't be so much heartache.

 

My 6yr guy was not married, but living with his child's mom and, while they weren't married I guess that they could be considered "common law". Anywho, in the six years with him not once did I even ponder him leaving her. I was happy with the time we spent together and happy he was being a dad. And, I actually liked his baby's mother. She was like me, same high school, achiever, professional, independent, great fashion sense/style.

 

Now my FWB. I only got upset about him not leaving her cuz he kept on whining into my ear about her and I'd get upset that he was miserable and sticking with a complete witch cuz he felt sorry for her - instead of me, who treated him well. But wven then I never asked him to leave her - even for me. And, when he'd whine about her, I'd make positive suggestions to help him mend the marriage woes...but he ultimately decided to divorce.

 

So, affairs aren't for everyone. Me, cuz of my fear of getting hurt and low need to see people every day...oh, and me having a "life" (work, relatives, friends, school, etc.), affairs provided me with the part-time companionship I needed. I didn't get delusional with him and I being like Snow White and him deep sixing his wife and/or kids for me. Actually, I was happy that they could get their "family" fulfillment with out them wanting it from me. Also, IMO, it is cruel to break up some home over an affair. So, I'm not gonna place demands on some guy to be with me and ditch his wife/kids. As long as he takes care of my "needs" - we're cool. My FWB would go out with me, bring flowers, etc....kinda like something a guy dating you would do.

 

So, again, lower and establish your expectations when you enter into an affair, keep your expectations in check and hopefully you'll be fine.

Edited December 14, 2016 by Gloria25

[eye of the storm]

Jennifer, I wasn't meaning you were trying to one-up others on pain. It was actually meant to be a general statement on how we shouldn't have the Pain Olympics (love that comment OneLov)

 

Even if someone had told me what I was in for....I don't think I would have believed them. And if I am honest, I don't regret being with my MM. I accept the pain as the price of my relationship. My life is better for having known him. I will never regret that. But, when the relationship started to damage me. I had to let go.

 

It doesn't matter if it is an A or a normal relationship, when it starts to damage you, it is time to go. Words without actions mean nothing.