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2 months dating. .and now he is ghosting me.. [UPDATE I feel guilty]

Valvale

By Valvale
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Valvale Member

Valvale

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Hello i need your help because i am heartbroken at the moment. On September i started dating this guy ,good looking,caring and sweet...high chemistry .we both are 33 and used to be friends 5 years before .we both came out from fresh brake up of long term relationships. That' s why i was so scared to be hurt and i told him..he was so thrilled on the other hand ..told me to trust him..he hated when i said things like men are players etc...As i slept with him on first dates i feared that he was going to dump me but after that he was even more into me and after that almost acting like a boyfriend (kissing ,holding hands, texting all day and telling me i made him feel good,that he almost made love with me,he loved that i was positive , always smiling ,texted me always what he was doing and asking me how my day was...for 2 months ). only 10 days after we met he said I was helping him to overcome some things of his past . never asked what it was all about. Sometimes we talked about our ex partners ..he said he never felt like really himself with his ex , and i let him be himself , that she is better off and she is pretty and intelligent so she will of course have all the guys she wants . .In 2 months of dating we had sex only 3 times because both live at parents house and both hated Sex in the car. .

So, i can't really say the relationship was around sex..

Anyway I was feeling pretty good although i lost weigh because i was so worried he could leave me..since we were not engaged yet...I felt insecure.

 

.last time we had sex was actually the last time he looked interested...before backing off at the point that now it is 4 days i am not hearing from him .

That night after sex i told him "i have missed you " ..his answer "good" ...good??i took it bad and told him it was not a good answer to give (am i a dog?) .

The Following day he started backing off. No goodmorning texts ,no good night .. coldness, brief answers ..more than once i asked what was wrong .he said he cannot give me the attentions i want and deserve at the moment and he is still trying to get completely rid of his past relationship (sounded weird) and that he is not constant.

So i said if you wanna quit just tell me. .he never said yes ..since then i only saw him 2 times in a month because i have asked him out ..he still kissed me in the car and said we should make a lot more sex ..but we never did..but he was very cold .his messages decreased and now without a word he is ghosting. Last time he showed me interest was last week. .he saw a picture of me on fb and said he so much missed sex with me and since a month had passed withouth us having sex, he wanted me so bad. I said yes you miss me, but only sexually... .he said "ok"(**** answer) ...anyway we arranged to go to a hotel but same day he said he had worked too much and couldn't make it so we didn't see each other and all his lust was already gone.Said he is working so much around christmas. After that he stopped texting me at all.

 

I really can't figure this situation out please give your opinions on it i need them and also the way he is treating me is unbelievable. .he isn't Giving me a closure , he has no respect at all and what should I do ?? I want to tell me how he made me feel ..but should I wait to see if he gets in contact?? 2 months are not 2 weeks ..You have been involved with someone and the person deserve explanations.

Also my Self esteem said goodbye as i ask myself why can't he love me and he could love his hex??,why i wasn't that special ?

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Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

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OP, there is nothing to figure out here. He let you know exactly what he wants from you and you continue giving him that and even chasing after him.

 

I have learnt from my experience that we teach people how to treat us. If you want to be treated with respect, don't accept anything less than that.

 

Doesn't matter why he acts the way he does, the main question for you is: "What should I do to gain self-respect to not accept being a piece of meat for some flakey guy who clearly doesn't care about me".

 

Blocl him and never look back.

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Philosoraptor Established Member

Philosoraptor

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I think you have more things to worry about than this guy.

 

Your self image and self worth seem pretty much non-existent, you have security issues, and you don't seem to have the rest of your life in order either.

 

You'd be best to get yourself straightened out before dating becomes a priority. You don't let anyone value you less than you value yourself. Take time to work on your own self esteem and getting the rest of you, and your life, stable. Only then will you be able to find a more satisfying relationship.

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Valvale Member

Valvale

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I know what you mean but since we had so few sex and he was hanging out with me treating me with respect and caring everyday i thought there were no Red flags. ..also the last night he proposed sex i wasn't sure i was about to go since i really was feeling disappointed a lot!

What i would really like to do is to tell him to f#ck off of the planet now but i was asking you if you think he was on a rebound

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Valvale Member

Valvale

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I really so no Red flags with this guy and i think my Self esteem could be lowered now yes it is but since he as always treating me well and we even had so few sex that i can't really say that was his purpose , two months are long to be interested to someone with so few intimacy. .i really tought he was caring about me. .that only Red flag i can see is that he was on a rebound

VeveCakes Established Member

VeveCakes

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He said he isn't done with his ex...so they are either working things out or going through something right now.

 

You may have also backed him off when you complained about his answer "good". Don't try and tell people how they should react to things you say, it comes off as controlling. I think you might have took that the wrong way.

 

He isn't available for you right now other than for sex. Is that what you want from him?

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Valvale Member

Valvale

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The sex has been so few i can't even Think it was sex. .but don't you Thinl that even though i backed him off, if he was into me he should't care about that thing and caring anyway ?also i think that if he wanted it to end , it would show great respect AND maturity to give a closure?

VeveCakes Established Member

VeveCakes

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No, there are a lot of cowards out there who just ghost or fade. Read the forum, there are stories of hundreds of them.

 

I dated someone 6 months and we were in love and he ghosted me. No rhyme or reason.

 

It just happens. It sucks, and we have to learn how to deal with it.

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introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

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Where are you from, OP? I find it odd that you are both in your 30's and both still live at home, forcing you to have sex in the car. :eek:

 

Are you from a culture where you live at home until marriage? Where "good girls" don't have sex until marriage?

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Valvale Member

Valvale

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We live in italy and no it's not a question of culture but instability of young people in our country at the moment. ..I live at my parents because i don't have a job right now .he lives at her parents because his father died 2 years ago and he wanted to stay close to his mom

leogirl876 Established Member

leogirl876

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It sounds like to me his attraction has lowered a lot because he knows he has you. There's a lot of power in pulling back and even walking away. Do that and see if his attraction goes back up and he starts chasing again. If he chases, there's your answer, if not, you have your answer. But be a challenge to him, masculine energy grows on challenge.

joseb Established Member

joseb

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"Anyway I was feeling pretty good although i lost weigh because i was so worried he could leave me..since we were not engaged yet...I felt insecure."

You need to work on this insecurity. It will kill most relationships.

 

How long were you single after the relationship?

 

Sounds like you were both on the rebound.

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Valvale Member

Valvale

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Hi! Thanks for replying. .i left my boyfriend in august and started dating this guy in September ..i know i know but I was tired of my relationship i was the one who left.

The fact i was scared this new guy would leave me was because before my ex , i had a terrible experience in dating a guy that had used me and didn't want to happen again. ..also as i left my boyfriend i didn ' t really want to date any body and this guy was so on me that i got convinced and happened that i fell for him.

What do you think about his behaviour?

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Valvale Member

Valvale

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I have been dating this guy for 2 months.Going out and textING every day..goodnight good morning , interested on my everyday life etc.. Both same age 33.

I thought it was going very well , he was very into me .he said he even felt he wanted to go so fast with me because he felt to , but there was no need and we could take it slow.. anyway he was the one who made me assume that we could have had a real love story soon.

To make it brief , one day he started the slow fade : decreased in texts , reappearing after two days , very few communication. I tried to ask what was wrong he said he is like that , he is strage and that he can't give me the attentions i deserve now (i didn't ask for more)and he is still making efforts to get completely rid of his past relationship .but he didn't say he wanted to close with me he said everything was fine.

Now he has disappeared. ...I am not texting him ..he would answer though..i know him , but i know that he is not looking for me.

Thing is, i had started to have feelings for him , and sometimes i miss him , others i feel so angry because he is closing withouth even telling me! And he said he would have talked to me in that case. I feel so hurt , i don't know why this happened and I feel i need a reason to have myself a real closure. Or at least text him what i feel and that he treated me like s*it.A friend says don't do it ,just move on but i feel so hurt i feel i have to say something to him.

What would you do?

I know many people have been ghosted after 3 or 4 dates. .it is always a very bad treatment but . ..we have been in this relationship for 2 months !!and he is treating me like nothing ever happened. .how can u do that ??

I feel i want to text him what i feel (not insulting)and in that case i know i will put a big END and he is not coming back ! On the other hand i am curious to see if I Say nothing and just leave him be, if he is going to come back in the future. .it's just my own curiosity and probably little hope.

Thansk for answering

Edited by Valvale
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Valvale Member

Valvale

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Hi

Have been dating this guy for two months. We are both 33.

All was going great, he talked about a future of the relationship and he texted everyday for all the 2 months.the interest was full.

Suddenly his attention dropped drastically after one night i had sex with him ..no it wasn't our first time and we didn't have a lot of sex( in 2 months only 4 times ).

I asked what was wrong he said nothing but I insisted he said he is like that. .he has ups and downs and also he can't give me the attentions I deserve now (i haven't asked for more ). Also that he is still trying to get completely rid of a past relationship. (You only know this after 2 months???)

I asked him do you want to quit he said nothing .

Texted again but more and more less since today i am not hearing from him in a week.

Do you think this is a good behaviour? I feel so hurt ,played and rejected )

At least give the respect of a closure to someone who you dated for 2 months ...it was not casual, it was not one night stand. He made some positive talks about us. I feel I want to tell him how bad he has treated me.

kidm Established Member

kidm

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Is the same guy you slept with on the first date and who kept hinting he wanted more sex from you but you both live your parents so you didn't have sex as often? I don't think there is any mystery to his disappearance. He wasn't over his ex and was looking for something casual and when the casual part wasn't happening as much as he wanted and you started developing feelings, he bailed. It's not always the case but generally if you are looking for a long term committed relationship hold off on the sex for awhile and let the guy prove himself. This is is not to say he would t have bailed if you had waited several months before having sex but it tends to be a good way to weed certain guys out. Chock it up to life experience and move on. Unfortunately I doubt it's going to make any difference if you reached it to him and let him know he treated you poorly. Maybe writing it out may be therepetuic. Best wishes.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Hi

Have been dating this guy for two months. We are both 33.

All was going great, he talked about a future of the relationship and he texted everyday for all the 2 months.the interest was full.

Suddenly his attention dropped drastically after one night i had sex with him ..no it wasn't our first time and we didn't have a lot of sex( in 2 months only 4 times ).

I asked what was wrong he said nothing but I insisted he said he is like that. .he has ups and downs and also he can't give me the attentions I deserve now (i haven't asked for more ). Also that he is still trying to get completely rid of a past relationship. (You only know this after 2 months???)

I asked him do you want to quit he said nothing .

Texted again but more and more less since today i am not hearing from him in a week.

Do you think this is a good behaviour? I feel so hurt ,played and rejected )

At least give the respect of a closure to someone who you dated for 2 months ...it was not casual, it was not one night stand. He made some positive talks about us. I feel I want to tell him how bad he has treated me.

 

.he has ups and downs and also he can't give me the attentions I deserve now (i haven't asked for more ) -- What do you mean, "I haven't asked for more". You are doing that right now. You want more communication from him, he's not giving it to you. So, let it go.

 

he is still trying to get completely rid of a past relationship

 

He was telling you to move on but you weren't getting the message and kept trying to pull him back in. He stopped responding/reaching out because he has nothing more to say.

 

I don't think he treated you badly. He was enjoying the time he spent with you apparently, however, he's realizing that he's still suffering the affects of ending the previous relationship. It takes a long time sometimes. He may have tried to push himself to move forward and get out there and date to take his mind off of things and maybe got in over his head, which may have become overwhelming.

 

He told you he wanted you to move on, you just didn't want to accept or wanted to believe he was "wrong" about what he's feeling. Date other people.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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He more or less told you what happened when he said he is still dealing with his past relationship. This means he's not ready for anything with you.

 

I think it's safe to assume he doesn't wish to communicate anymore. It sucks, but it's far better you know that now instead of finding out in another two months that he's still hung up on his ex.

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Valvale Member

Valvale

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HI was dating a guy for 2 months ..we haven't done a lot of sex so it wasn't about that.we only slept together 3 times. I fell for him ..i gave him trust as i told him i had been used for sex in my past. ...

He seemed into me and caring and interested in my life i saw no signs of what was coming ...then one day he started pulling away ,texting less and less. .and instead of leaving him alone and move on i have tried to chase him which made me look desperate.

And last time he chased me for sex i even said yes and arranged for the next day although the next day he just said he was busy and so we didn't meet up.

After that i tried to contact him again and he was so cold. I know it is over but it's not that. ..I feel horrible with myself for not stopping pursuing him when there were first signs he had lost interst .and even accepting sex last time..although he stood me up that night...he is ghosting me and feels even bad .

How can i forgive myself ?? I feel I have to carry this burden all my life.i can't forgive myself. I feell terrible

Edited by Valvale
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Nowty V Established Member

Nowty V

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Don't feel terrible.

 

To err is human, to forgive divine. so said Alexander Pope in an essay on criticism.

 

You made a mistake, that is beautifully human, forgive yourself, we all make them ;)

 

Sorry your relationship didn't work out, life sucks sometimes.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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Don't judge yourself so harshly.

 

Don't judge yourself at all, if you can.

 

Nothing you did came out of any bad intention.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

Take care.

Brieanna Member

Brieanna

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I feel I have to carry this burden all my life.i can't forgive myself. I feell terrible

 

You think you may be catastrophizing this a bit?

"All your life" you think you will carry this???

Why?

 

You think you will be married one day, kids and all, and still be bothered by this?

 

This sounds more like a place you are putting some uncomfortable feelings you already have had, not really source of your feelings.

What really is the issue you are having?

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  • 2 months later...
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Valvale Member

Valvale

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Hello everyone

I still can't get over a guy I have been dating for only 2 months.he seemed so into me but he decided to end our dating all of a sudden saying that he was not ready to give me attentions and basically that he isn't mentally over his past love story. It could be...I am not excluding that...but he never really gave me a closure.

As i am in love i made the mistake to keep seeing him sometimes. And it hurts.also i keep on thinking that if he has stopped feeling attraction for me that's because it's my fault. Everytime we went to restaurants on a date i couldn't eat for the anxiety. .i always left food in the plate and he didn't like it because he loves to enjoy meals....i started thinkin that this is why he stopped dating me ...that he thinks i am not right for him .I never told him that the fact that i didn t eat was because i was so anxious to be with him /in love.

How could i ?? And now I feel guilty for the fact that i couldnt keep him and i'd love to tell him all this stuff and that i liked him but my friend says if I write him telling all the story i am gonna lose my last piece of dignity as he doesnt care anymore.But i feel like I made it fail and not him.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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He can see that your "love" isn't healthy. If it was, it wouldn't keep you from eating. He can see you are unstable. That isn't a trait a dating guy is looking for in a woman. He also knows you're a little deluded because you are acting so in love with a guy you haven't known long enough to know much about. So he knows you are in love with the guy you hope he is and not himself.

 

He probably hasn't had all those exact thoughts but his instincts are telling him something isn't right.

 

You might need some help dealing with low self-esteem and anxiety. I wish you the best.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You got too attached way too quickly. Many people get nervous on a first date & don't eat that much. I know I do. But as you get to know somebody & relax, in healthy relationship you are not to anxious to eat. Food is all about sharing & nurturing. Somebody who can't do that because they are so keyed up all the time, the way you were, has issues beyond the relationship.

 

 

In a happy healthy relationship the other person can see you pig out or be covered in BBQ sauce or eat lobster & seafood with your fingers & find you adorable, not a turn off.

 

 

You need to let him go.

 

 

Then you need to do some deep soul searching to figure out what causes all this anxiety in you. I'm not blaming you or passing judgment but until you relax in your own skin this problem will reoccur & prevent you from finding love.

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