Effect of cheating on kids

[mikeylo]

I've not been on either side. Happily married for better half of my life. My sister was cheated on but she didn't have any kids at the time with her cheating ex. After reading the threads on affairs, we know the pain of BS. What about kids ?

 

If the kids are underage, you don't tell and they don't understand anything except that something is wrong. But what about kids who are older? How do cheaters face them? How do kids handle it ?

[Justanaverageguy]

Its weird - even in later life it can have a pretty big effect on kids though I'm sure when they are younger its worse. One of my good friends who is in her mid 20's just had her mum cheat on her dad and run off with another man overseas for 6 months. She has since returned and its caused massive family issues.

 

Its really effected her quite deeply even though she no longer lives at home and is a self sufficient grown up. We look up to our parents - in an unconscious way many of us have them as our heroes or something we aspire to. We also understand we come from them and share their genetics. Its very difficult to see them act in immoral hurtful ways that destroy the family unit we grew up with. In some ways we see it as a reflection of who we are as people as well.

 

I know my friend has really struggled with it and its taken a toll on her peronally. She's dreading going home for Christmas this year.

[cocorico]

But what about kids who are older? How do cheaters face them? How do kids handle it ?

 

My H's kids were teens during the A. He sat down with them and explained to them that he'd fallen in love with someone else, and that he was considering leaving the BW so that we could be together, but wanted their input. Hey asked him loads of questions, and the conversation continued over days. They basically gave him their blessing, but asked if they could live with him rather than the BW. Of course he agreed.

 

It wasn't all plain sailing though. The xBW really made things difficult and the kids did struggle with that. It wasn't helped by my encouraging them to maintain a R with her. In retrospect I would do that very differently, just leave them to make up their own minds about whether or not they wanted to see her.

[Midlifecrisis1]

As an adolescent, I was aware that my mom was having an affair with my best friends dad. My brother knew and my best friend and her brother knew also. My dad and their mom did not know. We hung out as families all the time and our parents hung out as couples. My brother and I confronted my mom about it when we were in high school and she basically denied it and said we are children and that adult relationships are complicated. We never told my dad because we didn't want them to get divorced. The affair went on for about 10 years maybe. My dad and the other mom only found out when the other man was on his deathbed. It was long over, so my dad let it go...he knew he had been kind of an ******* during that time in their marriage, so maybe understood her actions?

 

Anyway, my mom never really suffered any consequences and she and my dad are married 52 years now. However, I believe it had a huge impact on me since I seem to have followed in her footsteps. Having an affair, thinking there are no consequences so I don't feel remorse or guilt and feeling justified, believing that even if Dh found out, he wouldn't leave me. Fortunately, my xMM ended things before we could get caught, since he was feeling fear that he could lose everything. Seeing my moms affair has kind of normalized it in my head.

 

It's very unhealthy.

[eightytwenty]

I was 18 when my parents got a divorce. I didn't care about the divorce because I really hated my mother. I just wish my Dad left sooner, but he was one that waited till he had someone else to leave. Crappy but I moved out of their house and went to college and my grandparents.

 

 

Did the divorce affect me after they were married for 16 years? No.

 

 

What effected me is my Dad's girlfriend took top spot for him. He didn't really give two hoots for me, or so it felt. He always took care of her and her kids. If I needed anything he asked what I was doing with my money, and to buy it myself because I was grown. Which I agree to a point, but if he's able to pay for everything for 4 people that he just met, why couldn't he atleast do something for me. While I was paying for my own apartment/college/carpayment. Which btw my car got totaled right before the divorce and my mother didn't let me have a dime of it, and I paid for that car with savings by myself, so they didn't even buy the car just took the insurance money from me! I just couldn't understand why if I asked for a new pair of shoes he wouldn't. Christmas I got 2 presents, and my dad's gf who didn't work and had 3 kids got loads of presents, all paid for with my dad's money, the gf got a 5k ring. Which wouldn't of bothered me because the kids were 10,9,8. But she bought the 2 presents left the 9.99 tags on each shirt and got then x-small that wouldn't of ever fit, one because it wouldn't of even cover my stomach. I couldn't wear them but they were prefect for her daughter so I left there empty handed. I did ask to exchange them but she told me to just give them to her daughter. Told my Dad and he thought I was being jealous, and when his gf called me a fat heifer I really took it to heart. I was 130 lbs and 5'5, I didn't think I was big but it hit me. I didn't talk to my Dad for the rest of their relationship for almost 5 years.

[Giggle]

I tend to agree. My mom caught my dad on a dating site. We all knew how miserable they were together. We did, thank gawd finally, when they did divorce. My dad immediately had a new woman. The new woman treated my brothers still at home like juvenile delinquents. She isn't even nice to my dad, but what she wants goes. He has changed so much since meeting her that he is no longer our dad. It's sad.

 

My kids roll their eyes and say their dad is an idiot but I'm awesome. New woman caused rifts and distance.

 

Id say it's far more dependent on how it drives your life. If kids are priority than its not hard on them. If the new person is your world and the old person is hateful, then it tears at the kids.

[mikeylo]

Its very sad indeed. The actions and behaviour of parents is something that children have to live with.Its nothing new but the cheaters and people with immoral behaviors dont even think about their kids then how are they going to think about their BS !

 

One of my acquaintances, a single dad of a boy. A big time flirt with random hook ups with random women. His son, now , 18 , is doing the same. No respect for girls.No responsibility of any kind.Nada. Exactly how the dad behaved.He cant stop his son now even though he realizes what he is doing is immoral. He tried.The reply he got : dad , you do the same with women.

 

Cheating leaves bigger scars and I too have heard of children repeating the pattern when WS got away easy.

[mikeylo]

I was 18 when my parents got a divorce. I didn't care about the divorce because I really hated my mother. I just wish my Dad left sooner, but he was one that waited till he had someone else to leave. Crappy but I moved out of their house and went to college and my grandparents.

 

 

Did the divorce affect me after they were married for 16 years? No.

 

 

What effected me is my Dad's girlfriend took top spot for him. He didn't really give two hoots for me, or so it felt. He always took care of her and her kids. If I needed anything he asked what I was doing with my money, and to buy it myself because I was grown. Which I agree to a point, but if he's able to pay for everything for 4 people that he just met, why couldn't he atleast do something for me. While I was paying for my own apartment/college/carpayment. Which btw my car got totaled right before the divorce and my mother didn't let me have a dime of it, and I paid for that car with savings by myself, so they didn't even buy the car just took the insurance money from me! I just couldn't understand why if I asked for a new pair of shoes he wouldn't. Christmas I got 2 presents, and my dad's gf who didn't work and had 3 kids got loads of presents, all paid for with my dad's money, the gf got a 5k ring. Which wouldn't of bothered me because the kids were 10,9,8. But she bought the 2 presents left the 9.99 tags on each shirt and got then x-small that wouldn't of ever fit, one because it wouldn't of even cover my stomach. I couldn't wear them but they were prefect for her daughter so I left there empty handed. I did ask to exchange them but she told me to just give them to her daughter. Told my Dad and he thought I was being jealous, and when his gf called me a fat heifer I really took it to heart. I was 130 lbs and 5'5, I didn't think I was big but it hit me. I didn't talk to my Dad for the rest of their relationship for almost 5 years.

 

I'm sorry what happened to you but this is about after divorce and having a new gf / bf. There is no cheating involved.

[mikeylo]

I tend to agree. My mom caught my dad on a dating site. We all knew how miserable they were together. We did, thank gawd finally, when they did divorce. My dad immediately had a new woman. The new woman treated my brothers still at home like juvenile delinquents. She isn't even nice to my dad, but what she wants goes. He has changed so much since meeting her that he is no longer our dad. It's sad.

 

My kids roll their eyes and say their dad is an idiot but I'm awesome. New woman caused rifts and distance.

 

Id say it's far more dependent on how it drives your life. If kids are priority than its not hard on them. If the new person is your world and the old person is hateful, then it tears at the kids.

 

Was the new woman the AP or someone else? Blending families is not for all.Its a delicate balance and needs good parenting skills.

[l8estnews]

My father left us when I was 13 years old. He went to his OW. Mom was crushed, and I saw her pain, I was crushed too. Mom finally told us the truth that my father's "business trips" every 2 weeks for 3 years was actually spent in the house of the OW and her 3 kids which is just 1 subdivision away from us. I was very angry. I was very close to him... I even adored him so much. I am his cupcake and he was my "Moonshine." He reached out to us, his kids, but I was too angry to relent. There was one time that he asked us to meet at a restaurant, and with the encouragement of my mom ("He's still your dad," she says) I went. Me and my sister were waiting in once of the cubicle watching a girl (who I learned was 11 years old at the time) playing in the "Fun Place" of Mcdonald's accompanied by her mother when my father went in. I was about to forgive and ran to him crying when suddenly the girl who's playing in the Fun Place beat me up to him screaming "Dad!!!" towards my dad. My world collapsed. I never felt such hatred and rage in my entire life. I was thinking, all those times when I was missing my father during his business trips, he was playing "Father" to someone else's kid. The betrayal was immense. I ran past him outside the front door, he screamed my name after me but I never looked back.

 

I never looked back for the next 10 years. I shunned him completely.

[eightytwenty]

I'm sorry what happened to you but this is about after divorce and having a new gf / bf. There is no cheating involved.

 

 

He cheated on my mother with this new gf. It's on the first line.. "but he was one that waited till he had someone else to leave"

[mikeylo]

The stories are heartbreaking !

 

The ' like ' button is just an acknowldgement and not that I like the stories.

[wmacbride]

My kids were pretty small when my husband had an A. I thought we could keep it from them, but kids are often more perceptive than we give them credit for, and they knew what was going on ( they heard about it form our neighbors daughter- it was a complicated situation).

 

They asked me about it, and I lied to them about what was going on. I hate that I did that. After he got back home again, we sat them down and talked about what had happened. he took full responsibility,and let them know that he was very sorry for hurting them and me.

 

 

I always find is strange that people in affairs are so convinced the kids will never find out.

[Ursa]

My parents are still married, and decades have passed. They have repaired their marriage, and grown old together. So, frankly, I kind of wish I didn't know what I know...but I do. I guess it humanizes my dad at this point, but when I was in my teens and 20s, it tore me up, to know that he cheated on my mom when I was young, and that she almost left him. I had idolized my father and their marriage to some degree and worried for a while about the soundness of my own perceptions.

 

Now, we all get along well. I mean it's been a long time so I'd be kind of a psycho if I went around freaking out about it constantly. But...I clearly remember a time my dad was on a business trip, and my mom couldn't reach him, and the hurt and suspicion that flickered visibly through her like a flame. And now I am married to a man who travels frequently for business, and he is a wonderful person and I trust him, I do, and we are close and we have a different marriage than my parents had and he is not the same man my father was and it's not the 70s or 80s to boot, but...yeah, I have lingering anxieties about his traveling and my marriage that I might not have so viscerally if it weren't for my dad and his affair (s?).

[Justanaverageguy]

 

Anyway, my mom never really suffered any consequences and she and my dad are married 52 years now. However, I believe it had a huge impact on me since I seem to have followed in her footsteps. Having an affair, thinking there are no consequences so I don't feel remorse or guilt and feeling justified, believing that even if Dh found out, he wouldn't leave me. Fortunately, my xMM ended things before we could get caught, since he was feeling fear that he could lose everything. Seeing my moms affair has kind of normalized it in my head.

 

It's very unhealthy.

 

I don't want to be rude or dismissive. No doubt your mothers affair had an effect on you. But you certainly can't blame your mother for your actions.

 

In these types of situations I often quote a story about twins. If we were to use yours as an example - one had an affair one didn't. When both were asked why they behaved the way they did in their marriage - the first said because I saw my mother have an affair she set an example for her to follow - the second said the same except that she set an example she knew she knew she didn't want to follow and made a conscious effort not to do the same thing. Both cite their mother as the reason they behave the way they did in their marriages .... but with opposite results.

 

Your parents definitely shape you - but at the end of the day you determine in what way. You are responsible for your own actions - and I think its only when we take ownership of this we are empowered to make positive changes.

Edited December 15, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

[Midwestmissy]

My kids were aged 8-15 and they knew when I did, because kids are savvy and smarter than we think. It affected the older ones a lot, my son lost all respect for his dad, and has often said his biggest fear is that he'll turn out like him. They watched the emotional abuse and watched me fall apart, alone. It was so bad, and I had no control over my vomiting, inability to function, etc. My wh feels it every day. Those kids worshipped him and when they saw how he treated me, the adoration was gone. And with the oldest, he's since left for school without that respect back on the table. The things that those kids said to him through their tears was heart wrenching. And proof that they had more sense than he did. He had convinced himself that the affair affected no one, so no big deal. And for sure he wasn't hurting the kids. Lunacy.

 

It made wh realize a) how selfish and blind he'd chosen to be and b) he took time away from those kids for the A and he can't get it back, ever - and our oldest is gone and an adult, and wh squandered the time he had left with him. That boy will more than likely never live with us full time again. So it's gone.

 

As time passes, we will see how/if they continue to be affected. I'm sad for them.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I don't want to be rude or dismissive. No doubt your mothers affair had an effect on you. But you certainly can't blame your mother for your actions.

 

In these types of situations I often quote a story about twins. If we were to use yours as an example - one had an affair one didn't. When both were asked why they behaved the way they did in their marriage - the first said because I saw my mother have an affair she set an example for her to follow - the second said the same except that she set an example she knew she knew she didn't want to follow and made a conscious effort not to do the same thing. Both cite their mother as the reason they behave the way they did in their marriages .... but with opposite results.

 

Your parents definitely shape you - but at the end of the day you determine in what way. You are responsible for your own actions - and I think its only when we take ownership of this we are empowered to make positive changes.

 

 

You are 100% correct. Growing up I always thought that I would never cheat and that it was just black and white horrible after seeing my mom cheat. For some reason I was weak and didn't really feel like their would be consequences. My therapist says I tend to downplay how very impactful this experience was on me.

[aileD]

My kids were aged 8-15 and they knew when I did, because kids are savvy and smarter than we think. It affected the older ones a lot, my son lost all respect for his dad, and has often said his biggest fear is that he'll turn out like him. They watched the emotional abuse and watched me fall apart, alone. It was so bad, and I had no control over my vomiting, inability to function, etc. My wh feels it every day. Those kids worshipped him and when they saw how he treated me, the adoration was gone. And with the oldest, he's since left for school without that respect back on the table. The things that those kids said to him through their tears was heart wrenching. And proof that they had more sense than he did. He had convinced himself that the affair affected no one, so no big deal. And for sure he wasn't hurting the kids. Lunacy.

 

It made wh realize a) how selfish and blind he'd chosen to be and b) he took time away from those kids for the A and he can't get it back, ever - and our oldest is gone and an adult, and wh squandered the time he had left with him. That boy will more than likely never live with us full time again. So it's gone.

 

As time passes, we will see how/if they continue to be affected. I'm sad for them.

 

 

Very very similar here.

 

13 & 16 years old here. Dad was idolized. 16 year old found out through a friend who's parents saw H and OW together . She told 13 year old.

 

For a year they saw me fall apart because of him. They saw him not come home and knew he was with her. Even when he missed soccer and softball games because of legitimate work, they assumed it was because he was with her. They saw his selfishness first hand. They saw how it broke me. My daughter felt he left for two months and she had to hold everything together. A 16 year old. . That is my fault for being so weak and not shielding them from my pain but kids don't see it that way. They blame him. Thy blame him for our financial problems now because I lost my job due to this

 

Our daughter may never forgive him...I hope she will in time as she matures but it's not going to happen before she leaves for college and that saddens me deeply. He wasted time with his kids. And now he can't get that back and his daughter is going to go off to college hating her dad and it will be so much easier to repair if she were home. But she won't be. And I fear she will alienate me by default too. She didn't want me to stay with him. I'm scared they will never be close again and it hurts me more than anything. And he did that. He allowed it to happen. He put his needs before the health and wel being of our kids. We are supposed to like down and die and sacrifice for our kids and he didn't. But he sacrificed them for HER. He has changed and we are still working on it but that cannot erase the damage and it will be up to our daughter to make the decision to heal that relationship.

 

Our son. Sweet boy. He's just a mess now. He missed his dad so much and spent all his time worrying about if his life would change. If we'd have to move. If we'd have to share holidays. If he'd have to sleep somewhere else half the week. And while our son is happy we are R, he is constantly scared it will happen again. All day "where's dad?" He's at work, he's always at work at 2pm but now he questions it. He hovers in the room whenever there's a disagreement over mundane daily stuff...like he needs to monitor the situation to make sure his dad doesn't leave again.

 

Affairs suck for kids. I hate that this tainted their lives and their relationship

With their daddy.

[Justanaverageguy]

Something different to add - A kind of weird twist on this perspective of how cheating affects kids.

 

My ex-wife was the result of an affair. Her mother and her father were both married to other people (no kids). They were next door neighbors - got into an affair - divorced their old partners, ran off together got married and had her and her brother.

 

Its kind of a different situation to most - a child who was the result of an affair and the mindset it gives the kids is quite different to kids from existing marriages. They never got to see the damaging aspects of cheating - only the subsequent happy family life that followed. It's kind of understandable but she as a result grew up with the mindset - that cheating was acceptable if you found someone better or it was true love etc. Her parents justified their actions through the family life they created after. This justification was imparted onto the kids - if we hadn't of cheated we never would have had this great life together. So there for it was worth it.

 

It gave her quite a warped perspective - she has a history of cheating on her partners whenever things got tough and only now she has really lived through that experience of a marriage breakup herself realised how damging it is to herself and also other people involved and family friends etc.

 

Its kind of a weird one - I kind of understand why she is the way she is.

[mikeylo]

Something different to add - A kind of weird twist on this perspective of how cheating affects kids.

 

My ex-wife was the result of an affair. Her mother and her father were both married to other people (no kids). They were next door neighbors - got into an affair - divorced their old partners, ran off together got married and had her and her brother.

 

Its kind of a different situation to most - a child who was the result of an affair and the mindset it gives the kids is quite different to kids from existing marriages. They never got to see the damaging aspects of cheating - only the subsequent happy family life that followed. It's kind of understandable but she as a result grew up with the mindset - that cheating was acceptable if you found someone better or it was true love etc. Her parents justified their actions through the family life they created after. This justification was imparted onto the kids - if we hadn't of cheated we never would have had this great life together. So there for it was worth it.

 

It gave her quite a warped perspective - she has a history of cheating on her partners whenever things got tough and only now she has really lived through that experience of a marriage breakup herself realised how damging it is to herself and also other people involved and family friends etc.

 

Its kind of a weird one - I kind of understand why she is the way she is.

 

What parents do or don't do, the children have to live with the consequences,for better or worse.

[Got it]

I found out about my mom's earlier affair when I was a young adult and they were divorcing. It didn't have any effect on us because their marriage had been miserable for years for a multitude of reasons so other than frustration that it was apparently so early they had issues but continued their marriage for decades longer dragging us along in it.

 

I guess if you idolized a parent it could be impactful but was very well versed in their follies early on so wasn't a major shocker. My parents are humor and I learned as a teenager that adults really don't know much more than teens do and will act accordingly.

 

What has made a world of difference, was with how bad their marriage was, my parents handled the divorce really well and are in a much better relationship now that it is platonic, so we still do holidays and birthdays and vacations together, etc. That goes much farther.

[2.50 a gallon]

Thru high school, my ex BIL and I had been best friends. He was a great father, my two nieces adored him. About 20 years into marriage with my sister he was caught, and they divorced. Neither of my two nieces wanted anything to do with him, he had broken up their happy family. The oldest was old enough that they could not force her to see him. The youngest was forced to until she turned of age. Both turned their backs on him. My oldest niece had two kids, somehow, he made it to their Christenings. The younger niece did not marry until into her 30's, and it was her good Christian husband that wanted her dad to be at the wedding. Wedding day, I had to introduce my ex best friend to his grandkids. Ex BIL had been a 4 year letterman in high school, he had no idea that his grandson had done the same, he never got to watch him play a game. It has been a good 5 years since the wedding, and there has been no contact since.

[Redhead14]

The affect on the children in a home where a cheating parent is involved, is long-lasting. If they are very young, it isn't so much about understanding what's happening, it's about the environment that exists in the home. The offended parent is stressed, anxious and sometimes/usually is somewhat detached from the children. The cheating parent is also. That creates anxiousness, confusion and insecurity in the children. The children often feel that they are doing something wrong and have guilt -- they think it's their fault. If they are exposed to that environment for a long time, they will carry all that into their adult lives. They themselves may become cheaters even though they tell themselves they wouldn't do that. They do it because deep down, since the offended partner may have allowed it, etc., it was a silent signal to the kids that somehow it's OK or a way to deal with a problem in a relationship.

 

There is a saying/attitude that I embrace very deeply -- Children would rather be from a broken home, than in one". I am from a broken home and I can remember the anxiety and worry that I felt when I was young. As far as I know there was no cheating, however, I did feel alone often and I felt as if everything was unpredictable and uncomfortable. However, after my parents finally split up, I was sent to live with my grandparents who provided a very, stable, comfortable and secure home for me and I have thrived since then.

 

Parents need to put their children's needs before their own. It is their responsibility to create the secure and comfortable environment for children. If there is something causing that to be compromised, they owe it to their children to make the necessary adjustments to ensure that the children are safe and secure. If that means, leaving, they should just do it.

 

Staying in a marriage "for the sake of the children" isn't doing them any favors. That is a veiled excuse for not being able to make the break because they "love" the offending partner and aren't strong enough to accept the reality of the situation, are afraid to be alone, can't face the future. Harsh as that sounds, it is, very often, the truth.