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Well, I guess I got the closure I needed...


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Posted

This is horrendously long but I need to get it all out and could use a little support.

 

The History:dated my most recent ex for six months going into it knowing he was going to go back to his home province for the winter until our work started up again in the spring. Fell in love with him. We were planning for the future. There were some personality clashes and some jealousy issues. Knew he had issues with a few of his previous exes still even years later. Thought he would get past them. Broke up a week ago because of the distance and because he didn't see a future with me and apparently he was all messed up because of these ex issues. I thought it was the mother of his child he wasn't over, but apparently I was wrong. Read on.

 

The Present:decided to send him a text telling him I was blocking him off Facebook for now until I could get over my feelings for him and then we could go back to being friends. Looking back, I feel like a goddamn fool for sending that. Oh, how he must've laughed! So I blocked him on FB. I went over to the house of a couple who are our mutual friends for dinner and we were talking about him and how upset I was about it when they dropped the bombshell that he was going to date one of his exes again who he had dated in high school. He had told me about this chick before. They had an incredibly toxic disfunctionally obsessive relationship, and it had got to a point where he considered seriously driving her out into the forest and putting a bullet in her head just so nobody else could have her (his exact words). Wonderful. She lives in his hometown where he is now at again and apparently she's still a psycho and has multiple children from different dads.

 

It became clear that she is the reason he didn't want to be with me. I have a good job,albeit seasonal, that I'm good at, have no kids, no addictions besides cigarettes, cooked for him (and damn well, I might add), loved him and wanted a future with him, have goals besides spitting out kids, have my sh*t reasonably together, am responsible and have strong priorities, and I think that I'm a pretty decent and caring person. But I guess I wasn't skinny enough and she is. And she'll let him put in her butt when I never did and he was obsessed with it. Sorry about the vulgarity, I'm just angry, upset and venting. Bear with me.

 

It hurt so much hearing about all this that I got sick to my stomach and was on the verge of a panic attack. It was just such a shock. My friends are the best people in the world and they talked me down from it. They comforted me as I cried the last pieces of my heart out and then we got to talking more about him. I found out a whole lot about the person he was when I wasn't around, none of it good, and that he had told a load of lies to all of us. I realized I never really knew him and that he is a wanna-be womanizing liar of a dog. My MO for relationship partners apparently, as can be seen by the last 3 long term relationships I've had.

 

I just don't understand why I'm never the one chosen? Why I'm always coming in last to other women? I may not be stick thin but I'm by no means overly overweight. I'm not drop dead gorgeous but neither am I a hideous gargoyle. Why am I never good enough for anyone?

 

Anyway, after all that, I've made the decision to cut him from my life in every way possible and not just Facebook. I blocked his number on my phone and deleted all his pictures. There's another couple that are mutual friends of ours and I'm going to tell them that I don't want to hear anything about him because I'm done and I just don't care to have him as a part of my life anymore. I would never make them pick sides, I just don't want to hear about him. There will be no him and I being friends in the future.

 

Speaking of which, The Future: I'm going to go in for counselling tomorrow. I think I have some pretty deep rooted self esteem issues and I'd like to find out why it is I keep ending up with men like this because I'm obviously the common denominator here. I'm going to try to beat down my social anxiety and join a gym and put all my hurt and anger into getting into shape. I'm going to go and try to meet new people and do new things. I really want to just overhaul my whole life and really try to get the best out of it. Even after all the pain I just went through I'm glad that my friends told me about this because it really put to rest all of my doubts and what-ifing and has helped me to define a course of action that is best for me and will lead to happiness in the end. There's a chance that I will have to see him again at work in the spring but I'm holding out hope that by that point I won't care anymore. It's still 5-6 months away.

 

Well, if you made it through my novel I appreciate it. If you don't have any advice for me I could really use some supportive words that I'm doing the right thing and that I'm not as worthless as I feel right now. Wish me luck and keep fighting the good fight, people.

Posted

He wanted to take his ex into the forest and shoot her in the head so that nobody else could have her. Why in the name of god did you not run away from this guy when he said that?! That is toning short of terrifying.

 

I'm glad you're starting therapy. Get to the bottom of why you'd accept such a man. And remember, it can only get better from here.

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Posted
He wanted to take his ex into the forest and shoot her in the head so that nobody else could have her. Why in the name of god did you not run away from this guy when he said that?! That is toning short of terrifying.

 

I'm glad you're starting therapy. Get to the bottom of why you'd accept such a man. And remember, it can only get better from here.

 

I've asked myself that more times than I can count in the last little while. I think I just brushed it off as a 17 year old's youthful passion and willfully deluded myself when he claimed that he was a lot different now at the age of 35. But thinking back on some things he has said and done throughout our relationship, I've realized that there may be something not completely right with him emotionally or mentally. I am relieved that he's out of my life now, but I wish I could understand why it still hurts so much.

 

Thank you basil. You're advice and support is so, so appreciated.

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