Dumped out of the blue. Cold feet?

[ConstantBadMood]

Hello I am a graduate student and my recent ex boyfriend is in the same field. We had been dating for 3 years, barely fighting or having any arguments at all. We were almost the same people, we wanted to do the same exact things, had the same exact hobbies, same exact interests, rooted for the same sport teams, etc. so it was very easy to connect and get along. All of our mutual friends saw us as "above the standard" in a relationship and wanted a relationship like ours. I wanted him to be happy, and he wanted me to be happy. I thought he was too good for me, and he thought I was too good for him.

 

About a year ago (2 years into the relationship), I started applying to specialty training programs, and I asked him how serious we were as a couple. How serious we were would determine how much his opinion mattered to me in deciding where to apply for my program. I asked him, "do you think our relationship is headed towards marriage." He kept saying "I don't know, I think so." I was very angry because I KNEW I wanted the relationship to be heading towards marriage. I asked him why he didn't know and he came up with a list of things that bothered him. For example, one thing he stated was that he believed I had body image issues. I don't think I am fat, but I know that I gained weight during dental school and had been trying to lose some weight. Whenever we go out to eat, I would make trivial comments like, "I feel fat" or "I feel bloated" but I would never actually think I was fat, or actually try to restrict my food intake to an unhealthy amount. Another thing he said was that he didn't think I could take care of myself, and the example he gave was that whenever we were in an Uber and I forgot to wear my seatbelt he would have to remind me. He said that he didn't want his future kids to lose their mom in a drunk driving accident. Lastly, he said that he thought I complained a lot. For example, whenever I come back home from a busy day at clinic, I would naturally tell him (because we are in the same field) about what happened during that day (patients stories, messing up on a procedure, etc.) and he said that that was an expression of negativity. I agreed to work on these things and to see where the relationship goes.

 

A few months of happiness later, I got accepted to a program in a different city, so I pressed the topic of marriage on him again and asked if he would be willing to move to that city. This time he said that he was "99% sure" that he wanted to get married to me and that he is more than willing to move to that city with me and move in with me. He just wasn't 100% sure about marriage and he didn't want to lie to me if he wasn't 100% sure. He said that the 1% of uncertainty was coming from the fact that his family, who lives on the other side of the country, had not spent enough time with me and he just wanted them to know me better. He purchased us tickets to go home to his family so that I could spend more time with his family. We spent about a week there, and I had a great time. When we came back home, he told me that he was now 100% sure that he wanted to get married. However, the way that he said it was very shy and hesitant, so I got some red flags there.

 

The next few weeks, whenever I asked him about marriage, he would say he was still sure. I asked him if the problems that bothered him in the past (body image issues, not being able to take care of myself, complaining) were still bothering him and he said no. He told me that if I wanted to lose weight he would be okay with it as long as it was a healthy amount. And that if I needed to complain, I should do so because he wants to hear about my day. I wholeheartedly believed him. In the coming weeks, we started looking at engagement rings together, and I even sent him a few pictures of the settings that I liked. We spent another week being very happy together, going to shows and concerts, and then he left for home for Thanksgiving.

 

When he came back from Thanksgiving, he immediately broke up with me, stating that "this relationship isn't working out for me." When asked why, he said that he still has doubts and hesitations about marriage, even though it's been 3 years of dating. He doesn't know why he has doubts and hesitations, but its just a "feeling." And if I had to try to get him to tell me details, he would tell me the same thing as he did a year before -- body image issues, not wearing my seatbelt, not being able to care for myself, and complaining. I told him that I did NOT have body image issues (I am very confident about my body, I just wanted to lose a few pounds until I was back to my normal weight), that I CAN take care of myself (I don't ride cars that much so I forget to wear my seatbelt occasionally and that is not reflective of my ability to care for myself), and that he told me he was okay with me complaining about my work day so I did. I asked for an opportunity to show him that I can change, if he clearly told me what it was that he wanted and didn't want. He said that there was no opportunity anymore, he just felt that his "heart wasn't in the relationship anymore" and needed to end it. Later, he told me that when we went to his home city, his mother observed that my ex was always very "stressed out" around me because he appeared to always be checking up on me. For example, when we were swimming in the ocean, a large wave took me over and I started to cough. My ex ran over towards me to make sure I was okay. When his mother saw this happen she said that that was an "act of stress" rather than an act of concern, and that a relationship should not be this stressful. When she told my ex this, my ex agreed that he had been stressed out for a while in the relationship, because he felt like he always had to take care of me. I told him that we always have to take care of each other in a relationship, but he said that even though he knows I can take care of myself, he views me as "helpless" and always feels an irrational excessive need to take care of me, even without me asking.

 

A few days after the break up, he came over to my apartment to return stuff and pick up his own. We talked about the reasons again, and he said that his decision has not changed. He said that he is scared that he won't find someone as pretty as me, as smart as me, etc. but he just doesn't know if he can see a marriage with me. I felt like I was talking to a robot or a brick wall. So I gave up and asked if we could be friends. At this point his eyes lit up and he said "Yes! That would be the best case scenario!" We discussed what it entailed to be friends with our exes, as neither of us have done this before. We agreed that we could text each other whenever we feel like it (If we saw an interesting youtube video etc.) but we probably shouldn't see each other and hang out for a month. Since then, we've been texting each other superficial stuff. It does help dull the pain alot, because it doesn't feel like I am completely losing him, but it also adds to the confusion.

 

I just feel like I lost 3 years of my life. I feel like my ex had a classic case of cold feet and if he had just relaxed and enjoyed the relationship like any normal couple, he could've seen that our relationship was so beautiful. I was TRULY happy in the relationship, and he was always the sweetest, most caring person ever to me. I don't understand how he got so brainwashed by his family's comments during Thanksgiving. He is my best friend in the world, and we are trying to be friends because we truly do respect each other. I fully believe that he is making the BIGGEST mistake of his life. Part of me cannot let him go, and is holding on to hope that he will come to his senses and change his mind so that we can have an amazing beautiful future together. Part of me is trying to move on from him because I know I deserve better.

 

I'm not really sure what to do right now, but I am very confused. I feel like I need a plan of action in order to feel better. I want to know, how frequently to text him (given that we both want to be friends and text each other), when I can start asking to hang out, and when we hang out what to even say... Keep in mind that part of me still wants him to change his mind, but the other part of me is not holding my breath and desperately wants to move on.

 

Thanks for reading!

[ExpatInItaly]

This wasn't an out-of-the-blue breakup, OP.

 

I know you are hurting, but your ex has been showing signs for a long time that he wasn't sure about a future together. I also believe he's reaching for excuses and you should not be so quick to assume that you need to change.

 

You were in a predicament in the ocean, so naturally your partner went to see if you're ok - and this is "an act of stress?" Come on! I think he made that up, to be honest. I can't imagine his mother is that critical of her son trying to see that his girlfriend is alright. What other reaction would a partner have in a situation like that? Using that as another reason to justify breaking up with you is weak. I hope you didn't buy that. Also, you sometimes forget to wear a seatbelt, or comment you feel bloated. And these are reasons to break up? That is a stretch, in my opinion.

 

In my mind, he wasn't as into you as you were into him, and he was grasping at straws for "reasons" rather than being honest about his feelings. If he felt that he wasn't ready to marry, he could have said so. He kept looking for other ways to justify it, and you kept trying to appease him. Sure, there's always room for improvement, but if he is really this intolerant, a marriage (and perhaps a family together) would be a very unhappy one for you. Can you imagine how critical he would be of the way you raise kids? Or run a household together? It would be you jumping through hoops trying to make him happy, but what exactly would he be doing to make sure that you are happy too? I don't think your future together would be as amazing as you'd hoped.

 

For now, don't try to be friends. You won't be able to, when you still have feelings. It will hurt you too much. Go No Contact while you heal. I have a feeling that with time, you will see you probably feel better without him. A man who is really into you wouldn't behave the way he did. Sincerely. This isn't The One for you.

[basil67]

I think he was saying that he wanted to marry you because of all the pressure you were placing on him. I suspect that his heart was telling him otherwise, but he ignored it because he didn't want to let you down.

 

I agree that this wasn't out of the blue. He seems to have been displaying feelings of discontent for quite some time. It also jumped out at me that your profile name is Constant Bad Mood. Interesting choice there.

[ainoviere]

Agree with the others that this wasn't out the blue. He hasn't been feeling it for some time (probably since year 2) and the reasons he gave you were just excuses to end it.

 

As much as it hurts right now, he's saving you pain in the long run. You shouldn't need to convince someone why you should be married or stay together.

 

I suggest you go no contact. Staying in touch will just make it easier for him to detach from you. I suggest you two only reconnect again (assuming you want to) once all the romantic feelings are gone and the thought of him being with someone else will not upset you. This is also ironically the best way to get him back - you total absence will force him to decide whether he wants you in his life (but on mutually acceptable terms) or not at all.

[ConstantBadMood]

Thanks for the responses everyone. Yeah I agree that there were clear warning signs that I decided to ignore. But I ignored them because I thought they seemed trivial. He also did seem to be VERY into me, but just not sure about marriage this whole time, which adds to the confusion.

 

He seems to be genuinely interested in being friends with me in the present. Once in a while, he still snap chats me, texts me as if everything was normal. I think for the both of us, it helps to dull the pain because its not like we are losing each other from our lives completely so suddenly. However, it does add the the confusion and I keep wondering what this predicts about our future chances of getting back together.

[CupCakess]

Thanks for the responses everyone. Yeah I agree that there were clear warning signs that I decided to ignore. But I ignored them because I thought they seemed trivial. He also did seem to be VERY into me, but just not sure about marriage this whole time, which adds to the confusion.

 

He seems to be genuinely interested in being friends with me in the present. Once in a while, he still snap chats me, texts me as if everything was normal. I think for the both of us, it helps to dull the pain because its not like we are losing each other from our lives completely so suddenly. However, it does add the the confusion and I keep wondering what this predicts about our future chances of getting back together.

 

Well you guys seem to be young. It is possible he does/did love you, he just doesn't think he should get married so early. I presume you are in your mid 20's maybe?

[ConstantBadMood]

Well you guys seem to be young. It is possible he does/did love you, he just doesn't think he should get married so early. I presume you are in your mid 20's maybe?

I'm in my mid 20's and he is 30. That's why he is feeling the pressure to get married. I feel pressure as well, but I also know that in the present, I want to be with him, so why wouldn't I want to be with him in the future?

 

He knows that he wants to be with me in the present, but he just doesn't know if he wants to be with me in the future. I don't know how that makes any sense...

[CupCakess]

I'm in my mid 20's and he is 30. That's why he is feeling the pressure to get married. I feel pressure as well, but I also know that in the present, I want to be with him, so why wouldn't I want to be with him in the future?

 

He knows that he wants to be with me in the present, but he just doesn't know if he wants to be with me in the future. I don't know how that makes any sense...

 

First of all, you have to consider all options, one being that he might not have been honest about why he wants to break-up. I mean, there is no certainty that he is telling the truth.

 

However, assuming he is being honest, then he doesn't seem to think you will make a good spouse/mother/etc. and there has to be a reason as to why he thinks that. Maybe you guys disagree on some topics about how you would raise the kids, stuff like that. Maybe you told him stuff about your past that scvared him (like cheating on an ex-bf). Stuff like that. If you are still in contact you can try talking about why exactly he feels this way.

[kztar]

OP I can relate because I went through a VERY similar situation.

 

He even told me he didn't think i was the "one". Like a dummy, i thought that he was going through a relationship crisis and I guess I was in denial. I couldn't believe that he was unhappy for any reason when we had achieved such a beautiful relationship. So for months, the signs were right in my face and I refused to see.

 

Truth of the matter is he was unhappy and that was something that I could not change because his unhappiness was not coming from me but from himself.

 

Anyways I learned that when those signs are there is best to acknowledge them and save yourself some time and pain. He was saying yes to everything you were saying because im sure he cares for you and does not want to make you feel bad, what he doesn't understand is that him leading you on will only be more hurtful in the future.

 

Like the other posters said he gave you excuses to break up with you. I do not think you should be friends with this person right now. Take time to heal and be gentle to yourself. If a friendship develops later on in the future thats something else. Don't force anything.

 

Alot of people want to stay friends with someone that dumped them in the hopes of thinking that this will make the other party close enough to remember all the good times and with the hopes that this person realizes how great you were together and try again. Most of these people end up hurt because they realize that what they wanted is not what is happening but rather the opposite. Think about it this way, would you be happy to see him dating someone else? If the answer is no then you should not be friends with him until the answer changes to a yes.

 

Best of luck.

[ConstantBadMood]

Truth of the matter is he was unhappy and that was something that I could not change because his unhappiness was not coming from me but from himself.

 

Thanks this line is actually extremely helpful. I need to copy this down and recite it to myself every day haha. Can you explain what it means by his unhappiness coming from himself? Other posters have said "He isn't as into you as you were into him" but I feel like we were equally into each other. It was just that he had stop signs and I didn't. He also never expressed any kind of unhappiness -- just uncertainty. In your experience, was he just unhappy with something that was completely unrelated to you, but had to do with himself?

[ilovemefirst]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

I would go no contact.

 

Ask yourself, is this the kind of man you want to be with, that got stressed when he thought you were not safe when the wave came at you? If you marry this guy, and something else happens ( thats life), and he bails again? Can you handle that?

 

He seems to be finding excuses not to be with you.But still have you in his life.Try and let go and move on. You deserve better.

[VeveCakes]

Keeping in contact with him is just delaying your pain and easing his guilt.

 

Next thing you know he will have a new gf and you will be cut off and it will be like the break up is fresh all over again.

 

There is no saving this OP. If after three years he doesn't see you as marriage material, nothing is going to change that. You just aren't to be together. His feelings aren't there.

 

Look at his actions. They are where the truth lies.

 

I'm sorry this has happened but you need to accept it and start the process to move on.

[Sweetfish]

Body image? Seatbelt? This relationship was amazing for you? why would subject your self to this..? Not to be rude, but what was your intentions? Doesnt sound like this boyfriend had an allstar personality.

 

Arent you glad you didnt have kids or married and you should maintain your value, by maintaining your body image.

 

Guess whats gonna happen... this fool is going to come back. Thats if you go North Carolina. In this scenario i believe in a month or two he will be back if you cut contact 100%

 

Is that what you want?

 

You can't grow as an indivdual being his friend. Hell you probably wouldnt grow under his dictatorship.

 

This guy is not as great as you think. Im not saying you guys didnt share memories and what not..just under the candy coated lenses he isnt that great.

 

Go NC and watch everything come to view. Its going to be hard.. but you have to folow thru for YOUR own growth. When the cards are in your hands will you take him back... you dont know that answer till you go NC.

Edited December 14, 2016 by Sweetfish

[LD1990]

This dope was feeding you stupid excuses for a year and now you're "friends" with him? Terrible idea.

 

You can't make someone fall in love with you or want to marry you. Maybe he was in love with you, but he sure as hell didn't want to marry you. Come on, you don't wear your seatbelt so he was worried about you dying in a drunk driving accident? Bit of a stretch, don't ya think? And then you hadn't spent enough time with his family - I thought it was you and him in a relationship, not you, him, and his mommy.

 

You're staying friends with him because you still want to be with him. He's staying friends with you because it gives him all the comfort of being in a relationship with you, without any of those pesky responsibilities. The best thing for you to do is go NC.

[Lorenza]

The reasons he gave are very trivial and wouldn't bother him if he was truly in love with you. I agree with other posters - those are just weak excuses as he doesn't seem to have the courage to tell you the real reason behind the breakup (like that he doesn't want a serious commitment or don't feel like you're "the one").

 

Another thing - the only way to be friends with an ex is when both are completely over each other and there are no hopes or feelings left. He wants to be friends with you to relief the guilt of dumping you, as it makes him feel like he's a good person for offering you some breadcrumbs. You want to be friends to still hold on hopes of him "realizing he's making the mistake of his life" and to keep an illusion of him being in your life.

 

But you're gonna be the one losing. He's emotionally checked out and this "friendship" won't harm him. But you're not. You're gonna be the one suffering and it's your healing that is gonna be prolonged. Cut the contact. It's very painful to see how a serious relationship is slowly turning into meaningless chats and leftovers of his care and attention, I promise you that.

[ConstantBadMood]

Body image? Seatbelt? This relationship was amazing for you? why would subject your self to this..? Not to be rude, but what was your intentions? Doesnt sound like this boyfriend had an allstar personality.

 

Arent you glad you didnt have kids or married and you should maintain your value, by maintaining your body image.

 

Guess whats gonna happen... this fool is going to come back. Thats if you go North Carolina. In this scenario i believe in a month or two he will be back if you cut contact 100%

 

Is that what you want?

 

You can't grow as an indivdual being his friend. Hell you probably wouldnt grow under his dictatorship.

 

This guy is not as great as you think. Im not saying you guys didnt share memories and what not..just under the candy coated lenses he isnt that great.

 

Go NC and watch everything come to view. Its going to be hard.. but you have to folow thru for YOUR own growth. When the cards are in your hands will you take him back... you dont know that answer till you go NC.

No offense taken, thanks for the response. Yeah I know it sounds ridiculous and they sound like excuses but I think the main reason why he couldn't see a future with me was because he "constantly felt like he had to take care of me or worry about me" and those specific examples (body image issues, seatbelt, wave in the ocean) were illustrations of that feeling that he is having a hard time describing. I always thought he enjoyed taking care of me too, because he would always happily cook me dinner, help me carry groceries, etc.

 

Yeah I'm starting to lean towards going NC, it's been extremely hard for me to do so. I know everyone wants me to move on and find someone better, but my heart is still having a heart time doing it. Half of me DESPERATELY wants to move on, and the other half of me wants him to change his mind.

 

One of my friends just recommended that I text him and tell him that I am planning on initiating NC with him, and that I will reach out to him in a month or so/whenever I am ready. Do you think that is a good idea? Or should I just go NC and have him wonder what happened to me?

[AT15]

I think your friend has given you good advice.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not tell him you are initiating No Contact and that you will be in touch again in a month or X number of days. Why would he need to know when you will reach out again?

 

Just go No Contact. If he continues to contact you, then I would diplomatically remind him that because he ended the relationship, you need time to heal and would appreciate if he respects that you need space and cannot immediately transition from lovers to friends.

 

As the others have pointed out, being friends right now isn't realistic. You need real time and space to detach. Otherwise, it will hurt all over again if you suddenly discover he's met someone else and set you right back in any recovery you've made. You will need to learn a new "normal", in that you will slowly learn to adjust to life without him.

[kztar]

Thanks this line is actually extremely helpful. I need to copy this down and recite it to myself every day haha. Can you explain what it means by his unhappiness coming from himself? Other posters have said "He isn't as into you as you were into him" but I feel like we were equally into each other. It was just that he had stop signs and I didn't. He also never expressed any kind of unhappiness -- just uncertainty. In your experience, was he just unhappy with something that was completely unrelated to you, but had to do with himself?

 

Hey OP. So, what I mean with him being unhappy with himself was that he had become unhappy with the person that he was becoming. In my situation, he started gaining weight, his job was stressful and he wasn't achieving what he was expecting from the job. He was also doing everything FOR ME, not for himself. Basically when we began dating, he used that strategy to make me fall for him when in reality he was doing more than he normally would for a girl to make me fall in love. At some point, this became an issue because he had brushed off the things that he liked to do to fulfill him as he felt obligated to me.

 

I did not ask him to do anything EVER and sometimes I would even encourage him to do things like go to the gym while I was in his house that I didn't mind and stuff like that. He would choose not to because he thought that this would bother me.

 

He was unhappy with things that were completely unrelated to me but eventually they get annoyed at everything and you become related to the issue if that makes sense? However I must also tell you that maturity plays a vital role here. Some people who have not experienced much, will bail out sooner than someone who has had experience.

 

I totally understand when you say he showed uncertainty because when we are in love this makes it seem like that doesn't mean unhappiness, yet it is.

When someone is uncertain about you, this means is time to let them go. You deserve someone who is more than certain about you nothing less. This will cause uncertainty in YOUR life. Not about the person but about yourself and that is something you dont need.

 

I went through a really hard period of time, judging myself, and uncertain about ME.

 

Be gentle to yourself and TRY and i caps because its easier said than done but TRY to not judge yourself too much and think about what you could of, should of done to improve the relationship.

 

I hope that all this helps and you can see some light. I've been there and it's hard.

 

Keep calm and stay strong.