Dealing with anger for what your ex did?

[kel224]

Hey All,

 

I wanted to hear about how others process the anger over hurtful stuff an ex did. I started a thread a few weeks ago about my breakup, but here's a condensed rundown:

 

3 years together, then my ex-girlfriend broke up with me just shy of 2 months ago. We had just moved in together officially 3 months before that, and she was even showing me engagement rings about 1.5 months before the breakup. She made a new guy "friend" sometime around then. She started hanging out with him more and more at his place, then broke up with me and blamed everything on me. For a few weeks, I was eaten with guilt thinking everything was my fault. But then I slowly pieced together that she left for this guy friend, and started sleeping with him in my bed within days (if not weeks before the breakup). They started a cohabitating relationship not even a month after ours ended. She has been telling me ridiculous lies and stories to try and cover her tracks, and so far I just haven't responded to them at all. She even brought him with her to collect some things of hers from me when I tried to be decent and return them.

 

 

It eats at me that she thinks I'm naive enough to believe all of her lies. Like, she thinks her hands are clean and that I have no idea what really happened. I'm on 4 weeks no contact, but sometimes I'm so tempted to write her and tell her I know what she did and realize the kind of person she is. I trusted her with everything in me, and it's been hard coping with all of this. First, the heartbreak, which I was dealing with pretty well. But then after learning what happened, the feelings of being used, replaced, disrespected and forgotten about have been really hard. Earlier, I was in denial thinking she might realize how much she hurt me and at least apologize. But I'm not holding my breath that she'll ever even pause to think or care about my feelings. My therapist thinks there's a good chance of narcissistic personality issues going on inside of her.

 

I hope that her behavior comes back around and bites her in the ass eventually. I'm sure others here can relate. How do you cope with the anger and resentment of betrayal?

[Arieswoman]

kel224,

This is a tough situation and you have the sympathy of a lot of people on this board.

 

I hope that her behavior comes back around and bites her in the ass eventually.

 

In my experience it always does, but don't waste time waiting for the Karma Bus to pay her a visit.

 

How do you cope with the anger and resentment of betrayal?

 

By making it work for you.

 

Anger is energy, and you can use that to empower yourself.

 

So you could hit the gym, redecorate the house, dig the garden, start that project you've been putting off for months.

 

Sounds trite I know, but this is a time when you have the energy to get loads done.

 

It's difficult at first when you can't sleep and your brain is on overload, but gradually it does get better.

 

Stick with your therapist and you'll be able to get through this.

 

And for goodness sake don't contact her, it will only set back your healing.

 

Good luck x

[BAcK]

Like grieving, even the anger issue is a phase. You will be angry, hateful and disgusted by her. Infact this proves that you are moving on. Use this anger in a positive way.

Now work on yourself. And do not let her influence you.

Everyone tries to justify their acts by blaming others. So just keep in mind that she is just trying to shift her guilt on you.

And do not wish for anything bad to happen to her. This will keep you from moving on. On the contrary, you should concentrate on yourself.

[mrs rubble]

Go ahead and write that letter, decide later if you want to deliver it or not, either way it will make you feel better.

I did that many years ago, after an ex dumped me I wrote a really angry condescending letter to him and I actually posted it. I ran into him in the super market many years later and he mentioned the letter, he didn't hold any grudge over it, in fact he laughed about some of the low blows I dished out and said he deserved it.

[HorseLuck]

Dealing with the rage phase now. Working out helps when nothing else will, watching comedy and writing whenever I feel like there's something else I need to say to him (but remembering it won't get me anywhere by opening that door again.) He's a liar/cheater as well so I feel your pain.

I've even opened my text message just to write and then erased it. It surprisingly helps alot. Also, having a pet around can really help lift your spirits as well as friends. Make sure you go out and enjoy the holidays, even if you're reluctant to do so at first. It's great that you have a therapist, btw.

Edited December 14, 2016 by HorseLuck

[CDJ]

How do you cope with the anger and resentment of betrayal?

Sorry to ready about this, mate. Sounds utterly horrible.

 

I think my situation was/is similar to yours in terms of themes and feelings. To cut a long story short, my ex basically duped me into coming round to her flat two weeks after breaking up to deliver her birthday presents and to talk, only to then find her in bed with someone. She blamed me for turning up without confirming (untrue - it was her idea), then was full of apology (but claiming it was a complete accident) and finally went into total denial about what happened.

 

She promised me a meeting and answers but of course never gave them to me, instead cutting me out for good. The more questions I asked (and the more I began to work out) the more defensive she became and she flipped the situation to the point where I was the one apologising to her! Over time I then began to work things out for myself: that the guy was someone she knew (who I'd been suspicious of and asked her about when we broke up), that she had done what she did that day deliberately (which I previously hadn't been able to accept) and that she'd moved on in her mind long before we broke up (I'd suggested a few times we break up but she always talked me out of it, which I see now was just her manipulating and using me).

 

Like you, I feel used, replaced, disrespected and forgotten about (and it's been 15 months since it happened). I too was in denial thinking she might realise how much she hurt me and might apologise.

 

Based on my experience and how some parts relate to yours, my advice is to not send her that letter. Write it for your own therapy and catharsis, but please do not send it, because: a) she probably won't read it, or at least certainly won't respond to it; b) it will give her the satisfaction that you are weak (you're not, but that's how she will see it) and that you still need her.

 

If you write to her you'll then start hoping and waiting for a response, and that lack of response will just make you feel even worse.

 

Generally speaking and to answer your main question - I've no idea how to deal with the anger! So, I'll be watching this thread for help and advice. I feel angry that she did what she did and got away with it, but I also feel angry at myself for making it so easy for her to hurt me (I ignored so many red flags beforehand). But I can't reiterate this enough - don't do anything that empowers her and weakens you, because that will just make you feel so much worse. Trust me.

[kel224]

So far, the anger has actually been great for the gym. I used to be super fit before starting grad school and dating her. School/her started literally the same day and my lifestyle changed dramatically. So now I'm getting back to the old me. It's a lot easier to do that last sprint on the row machine thinking about what a b***h she turned out to be. I picture her face the first night after the breakup, when she told me she cares about me on her way out the door. I realize now she was on her way to stay with him that night.

 

I also feel angry at myself for making it so easy for her to hurt me (I ignored so many red flags beforehand)

CDJ, I'm with you on this one my friend. Honestly, a lot of this anger is towards myself for being in denial when alarms went off. When together, I remember thinking how manipulative she could be towards others, and how she could be to people. I was naive enough to think she'd be any different towards the person she "loves" if things didn't work out. I also had that gut feeling when she first started talking about this new guy friend of hers. She got defensive when I asked which side of town he lives on, as she was going to his place to "play video games" a few weeks before the breakup. During the breakup when I even asked if there was someone else, she put that fake face on and said of course not...

 

It sounds like you went through a relationship with a very similar personality as my ex. As my Dr. put it, "you can't fix that kind of crazy". They just can't stand something about themselves deep down, and they'll manipulate people to twist them to their needs. When their needs aren't met, they'll toss you like a stone and never pause to think about how you feel. It also makes me question what the last 3 years were. To be honest, I often feel like I meant little more than the prospect of having a ring on her finger so she could check that box off her to-do list. She was talking about marriage and moving in together after only 6 months, which seemed fast for me. And she was engaged once at only 19. I don't judge people that move quick like that, it's just not my style for something as big as marriage.

 

And like you, I tried to breakup once. It was actually only 3 months into the relationship because I was having doubts about if I was ready to open up fully to someone. I've been burned in the past, so that was a hurdle for me initially. She talked me out of it.

 

This morning on the way to work, I passed her car at a red light. We work in the same research building. Her new guy was driving and she was in the passenger seat. I think she saw me and then looked down at her phone to avoid me. Honestly, they looked pretty unhappy for a couple that's only been together 1-2 months.

Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[kel224]

I'll be good and not send the letter. I have my dignity still, which I'll keep reminding myself. At this point I think she'd have to be a fool to think I don't know what really happened. Sometimes I need reminders of how bad an idea it would be!

 

Does anyone have personal success stories after going through something like this (being left for another, lied to and blamed for it all)?

[VienneseCoffee]

Hi, that's a horrible story.

 

I'm still dealing with anger myself over an ex that strung me along until he started dating a new woman. It isn't as bad as what you went through, and he didn't tell me he was seriously seeing someone else as he was trying to get back together with me. I guess you could call that a lie of omission? He did blame me saying said it was my depression and anxiety that drove him away. I was depressed because we broke up! It's all so frustrating.

 

I was pretty pissed off about a month ago and I still have some resentment I am carrying around. I know it isn't healthy. I have been focusing on mindfulness meditation to try and keep myself focused in the present moment. I'm not really a religious person but I know in AA they ask for help from God to remove the resentment.

[kel224]

Sorry to hear about your douche of an ex, VCoffee. Some people just can't stand being alone until they find someone.

 

Sometimes I wish I were religious! I haven't given meditation a real shot yet, though I did do that for the first few days after the breakup when it was hard to get through the day at work. It helped then, so I'll try giving that a chance again when all the negativity washes over me.

[Logo]

The anger will go away, gradually. It will fade and all you'll be left with is indifference. You'll settle into a new routine, your daily life, and from time to time, memories of good times together or memories of her betrayal will pop in your head and you'll brush them off as quickly as they appeared and carry on with your day.

[BluesPower]

Just imagine how hard if would be if you actually married someone like him/her.

 

Even though it does not feel great right now, think about that bullet that you dodged.

[CommittedToThis]

Does anyone have personal success stories after going through something like this (being left for another, lied to and blamed for it all)?

 

I spent 10 years figuring out I was in a relationship with someone likely suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. When I Google'd NPD I was astounded to realize this is what had been happening to me.

 

I'm a success story, I split 16+ months ago and life is great. The best thing is NO CONTACT with the PD ex.

 

The coolest thing is now you know to ACT on the red flags, early and decisively.

 

All the best.

[gulfball]

The best way to get revenge is to ignore her (even if she reaches out), pretend like she never meant a thing to you, and to move onto someone new. Show this ex what she lost!! Let her feel guilty for what she did on her own. Show her that she didn't break you.

[CDJ]

When together, I remember thinking how manipulative she could be towards others

 

I also had that gut feeling when she first started talking about this new guy friend of hers...During the breakup when I even asked if there was someone else, she put that fake face on and said of course not.

 

They just can't stand something about themselves deep down

 

When their needs aren't met, they'll toss you like a stone and never pause to think about how you feel.

 

She was talking about marriage and moving in together after only 6 months, which seemed fast for me.

 

Christ, I'm starting to wonder if I've opened a window into a parallel dimension!

[tinytiger87]

OP,

 

you just have to realize that you're never going to get that true explanation or any kind of honesty from her. Its always easier to just either ignore you and your feelings completely or tell you a bunch of lies in the hopes that you will believe them. I struggled with the same thing after a terrible breakup this year (involving a pregnancy with her ex during the last few weeks of our relationship), but it doesn't do you any good to hold on to that resentment. I'm not saying you have to be friends with her, but at this point the only person your anger is hurting is yourself.

 

Find some way to focus on you. I started going to the gym, lost about 30 lbs and have bulked up. People say that I look fantastic (one of my friends described my chest as "a WALL, that straight girls love to press up against" lol), but that's not the only thing I have improved. I have become a better housekeeper (a clean place always helps your attitude), I am cooking more than I used to, ive bought new clothes and have redesigned my wardrobe. There are many ways to focus on you, but the end result is what matters.

 

In my case, after she moved away to another state, I found out that she was at my work while I was on my lunch break yesterday, in all her 8.5 months pregnant glory. I used to fear seeing this, thinking it would send me right back into the tailspin from earlier this summer. I had a small moment of panic when I found out she had been there, but honestly after about 5 minutes, I laughed it off. She doesn't define me anymore, and neither should your ex. besides, the girls up at the cash registers told me she looks horrible and that kind of helped too lol

 

Hope you find your way, OP. I understand where you're at.

[kel224]

I'm feeling today that I'm on the right track dealing with this properly. Still some really rough times, but its leveling out.

 

2 months out-I can say I'm proud of how I handled the breakup. I walked away without begging (before finding out about other dude), and without saying anything regretful (after finding out about new victim-basically told her she lost my respect then I bowed out without responding to her lies). I've been no contact for just over a month now which is awesome-got a lot easier after realizing what she did. I'm back to my pre-relationship weight and looking good in my new clothes. Back to my old hobbies as well.

 

We've walked past each other a few times, and I haven't even looked her way. Everyone who has seen them together so far (me included) thought they looked pretty unhappy. I do understand that it's not healthy to wish her anything bad. I do miss the person (illusion maybe?) of who she was before any of this surfaced, and I hope that girl finds happiness. But dang it felt good seeing them looking like that.

[kel224]

@ CDJ-It's eerie how similar our stories are. Looked through some of your posts and saw you were even in/considering grad school. I'm halfway through-this kind of breakup isn't particularly good for my productivity!

[tinytiger87]

way to go man. the best way to really stick it to her is to show her that you are a better person now than you were with her. even then, that's just a side effect. what's most important is how YOU feel about YOURSELF. You're not letting her define who you are anymore, and that is the most liberating feeling in the world.

 

Glad to hear that things are going well!

[RyanO1991]

I echo what others have said - use the anger as a driving force to make a good life for yourself.

 

I'm in a new house with a new job and a new car - life is better than ever and I would never have got these things if my ex hadn't done what she did.

 

And things do have a habit of coming back round, even if it takes a while. I won't go into details but it certainly did for my ex.

 

Shame her by deciding what you want and going out and get it. Think about yourself now.

[CDJ]

@ CDJ-It's eerie how similar our stories are. Looked through some of your posts and saw you were even in/considering grad school. I'm halfway through-this kind of breakup isn't particularly good for my productivity!

Kind of. I was preparing a phd application when I met her, which she subtly talked me out of in favour of instead trying to find a lucrative job "for our future". Towards the end of the relationship she then told me it wasn't about earning more money after all, but about doing something meaningful and "inspiring" (you know, kind of like...a phd!).

 

I think both our exes were narcissists. Someone else in the thread mentioned this and I looked it up, and reading through it I think we can both relate. I'll summarise what I've read; it's actually given me some closure to some extent, and some reassurance, so perhaps you'll find it useful, too.

 

(Sorry for the long post but I think it's really worth sharing in this context)

 

1. The Idealisation-Devaluation-Discard Phases

 

Narcissists tend to subject romantic partners through three phases within a relationship.

The idealisation phase (which often happens most strongly during the early stages of dating of a relationship) consists of putting you on a pedestal.

The devaluation phase is when you’re left wondering why you were so abruptly thrust off the pedestal. The narcissist will suddenly start to blow hot and cold, criticising you, putting you down, comparing you to others and emotionally withdrawing from you. You become convinced that perhaps you are at fault. It is during the devaluation phase that a narcissist’s true self shows itself.

During the discard phase, the narcissist abandons his or her victim in the most horrific, demeaning way possible to convince the victim that he or she is worthless. Unlike ‘normal’ partners, they ensure that you never have closure.

 

2. Gaslighting

 

A technique abusers use to convince you that your perception of their behaviour is inaccurate, that it is in fact your fault or that it never even took place. Narcissists are masters of making you doubt yourself and of making you mistrust your own instincts and interpretations of events.

 

3. Smear campaigns

 

The narcissist will smear you not too long after the discard phase, in order to paint you as the unstable one because: 1) it depicts you as the abuser or unstable person and deflects your accusations of abuse; 2) it provokes you into responding, thus proving your instability to others when trying to argue his or her depiction of you.

 

4. Triangulation

 

Narcissists like to manufacture love triangles and bring in the opinions of others to validate their point of view. Triangulation consists of bringing the presence of another person into the dynamic of the relationship, whether it be an ex-lover, a current lover, a relative, or a complete stranger. The narcissist relies on jealousy as a powerful emotion that can cause you to compete for his or her affections.

 

5. The false self and the true self

 

The narcissist hides behind a ‘false self’, a construct of qualities and traits. You are unlikely to see their 'true self' until you are in the discard phase. This can make it difficult to pinpoint who the narcissistic abuser truly is. You suffer a great deal of cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile the illusion the narcissist first presented to you with the behaviours he or she subjects you to. In order to cope with this cognitive dissonance, you might blame yourself for his or her abusive behaviour and attempt to ‘improve’ yourself when you have done nothing wrong, just to uphold your belief in the narcissist’s false self during the devaluation phase.

[kel224]

That's too bad she talked you out of the PhD, seems kinda selfish of her. It isn't glamorous but it can be pretty fulfilling. I hope you can re-apply if it's something you're interested in. We're both in PhD programs. To be honest, I realize that the stress and amount of time/energy needed for a really rigorous program like mine make it very hard to keep a healthy relationship.

 

5. The false self and the true self

 

^^This^^ As soon as she decided she wasn't getting what she wanted from me, it was kinda like a switch flipped. She was treating me the way she treated people she doesn't like when we were together. Hello red flag! The saying that you don't really know someone until they break up with you seems to apply here. I was in denial for too long-it was hard to accept that the caring person I knew would do or say some of the things she did.

 

3. Smear campaigns

 

A mutual friend who is closer to my ex described her as being very "self-absorbed" right now, so I'm sure she's smearing me all over to justify what she did. I don't think everyone really buys her story though, not if they know the timeline of events like I do. I've met all of her friends, so they know I'm a pretty easy going nice-guy.

[CommittedToThis]

One thing to remember is to differentiate between overt and covert/shy narcissists.

 

The overt ones are easy to spot: Kayne West, Donald Trump, Paris Hilton.

 

It's the covert ones that are truly menacing; mine (hate using that word) was totally shy, acted introverted, was the exact opposite of the typical blow-hard, but in her own way was totally, 100% entitled and superior.

 

That interaction, all 10 years of it, almost killed me, but you know the old saying about that which doesn't kill you.

 

I learned the lessons I was put on this Earth to learn. There's no stopping me now!

 

All the best to you two guys, too, you've been thru the wringer and I know exactly what you've been made to feel. We're stronger than them. Just IGNORE -- opponent destroyed.