i broke NC, here are my reasons and story

[CrazyCatlessLady]

So, a little bit of background info abt me: Had a pretty effed up life as a child and teenager, so been battling chronic depression, anxiety, self-harm tendencies, eating disorders and PTSD for over 10 years. Had multiple suicide attempts since age 12 (23 now). I've left the toxic environment but still has been having a lot of problems. I have dated several guys, only been with two. The last one is the one I've only ever loved and trusted, and also the only one that ended up dumping me. This story is gonna be about him.

 

We met on Tinder 6 months ago or so, neither of us were looking for anything, but after the first date, it was clear that we couldn't just leave it as that. He pursued me strongly, waited etc, seemed like an all-around charming guy. For about a month, we were inseparable but then I had to leave for 10 weeks because of a job. He promised he would wait for me, and he did. We communicated almost every day throughout that, he was still lovely and said things like "he never felt so strongly abt someone" and heavily hinted at being in love. I didn't say anything like that. I was really stressed throughout these times, the job sucked, so we had like 2 fights from misunderstandings. I felt unsupported at times, like when I got robbed and he didn't really seem to take that seriously even tho I was shattered, but we mostly miscommunicated. He forgot my birthday (and two months later when the topic came up, his response was "well you were far away", and I left it at that though it really hurt me that he just didn't care at all), and let my fave plant die that I trusted him with, wasn't bothered by that at all, but these were the worst things still. So, we were good. I thought him saying how all his exes were "cunts" that cheated on him, was a red flag, but I also felt sorry for him, so ignored that.

 

Fastforward, I come back to the country. I took an extra long an expensive journey just so I could see him earlier by few hours... Meanwhile, he was training a client and even after had to go in to his job for "15 mins" to talk to his boss. I took it hard because he already had to ask me when am I arriving, after I told him the day repeatedly, but then he requested it as his day off, so what was that about? Seeing him again was so sweet though, I tried to play it down, even though the 15 mins were actually 2 hours... I was ill and he didn't tell me what's up so I texted him that I'm leaving, to which he left and we made up. Later that day we had a wonderful evening with his friends (a couple), one of the things I loved most about him that he was always openly affectionate in front of his mates as well. He ended up telling me he's been in love with me for over a month.

 

A week later we had a misunderstanding that turned into an fight on snapchat, and he ended up dumping me there. I blocked him everywhere, was crushed, tried talking to him even afterwards. First he would ignore me, then reply. Then, after a week, he texted me saying I should get my stuff from his. I did, and when we met, we both apologised (I started though), he promised he'd never do this again, made up. I told him I loved him and didn't want to lose him. Next meet after this, he apologised again and admitted he shouldn't have handled things the way he did.

 

After that, we started seeing each other less than less as his job became more and more busy, like inhumane busy, 100+ hours eventually. I took this really hard and told him that in person after asking him to meet for "talk", and that I felt like he wasn't that into me anymore, and that the only reason we're still together is because I fighted for it. We had small fights, but we always did, we are two very different people. I also told him I'm ill (I never told him the details mentioned above), I've had family and job and school troubles, and that might make me a bit more drama and sensitive lately, but he shouldn't take it to himself. He ended up reassuring me that this wasn't the case and he still loved me, he's just emotionally not that open or talkative. That's definitely true, because after this, he's never once asked me how I was doing with any of those issues.

 

The 3 summer months with him (even the long distance) were the most symptom free and happy periods of my life. I even came of my meds, though since September my condition has worsened gradually, and now I'll have to go back on them.

 

For 6 weeks we'd met like 6 times, and only at night for a few hours at either his or my place because his schedule was just so bad. It wasn't a booty call, that I know, but it still felt ****ty, especially that he'd initiate and even reply to my texts less and less. He still always said he loved me and I could visible see him getting more and more ill from his insane working hours - he didn't only not had time for me, but his hobbies, passions, friends, or sleeping at least 4-5 hours a day either. No days off either. Meanwhile, I was feeling ****tier and more anxious by the day, also having no support but constant doubts about him. Around halloween, I was already suicidal. He ended up helping me with a big favour and that was the last I saw him (1st of Nov), because a week later he started ghosting me. It happened after I emotionally texted him a very long and kinda angry msg (second time in 6 weeks, but first one was because of a misunderstanding) asking whether he thinks the way we've been doing is okay, will it change ever (he kept making promises saying his hours would change, he'd leave his job, etc, to no avail, he still works there btw), and that I felt neglected by him, and there came the snappy replies from him. He never replied to my last messages where I apologised for the break out saying I just miss him too much. after trying to contact him abt 3 times, he dumped me in text. He would refuse to take my call, call me, or even see me while returning my stuff from his. He said I could take it from his roommate (didn"t want to go through that again, so I left it at it). Even while he did this, I was the one apologetic and trying to work things out eventually, he said he doesn't need my "needy outbursts" every single week... Bit of an exaggaration, but whatevs. Even then, I said, we were good together, doesn't he wanna work things out, doesn't he have any feelings left? He said he missed me too but he doesnt have time for what I need from a guy (or what anyone needs). That was his only msg to me in a decent tone, so I asked him whether he wants me to leave him alone or still has some feelings left and would work this out... He never replied.

 

A month ago, I deleted him from social media and started NC. For a month, I would do everything to get over him, but nothing helped, my depression just got worse too. Over a week ago PTSD-like symptoms started again (I recognise it, had it before so...) so now I can't even sleep at all, it's destroying my life. Even while together, in the last month, I was thinking about breaking up but the way he did it is what ****ed me up. When I looked at his social media he even posted things like his best mate being his only love, after the break up. It made me feel really ****ty. Because of my illness, I can't even be mad at him, just blame myself. Talking to several ppl and thinking abt things over and over again, I know we weren't right for each other, and wouldn't want to get back with him, he treated me really crappily I think(?). But I never got closure, can't move on like this.

 

Yesterday, when I woke up after 3 hours of sleep (like every night lately) sweaty, scared and crying after a nightmare and flashbacks, I noticed that he was online on Skype. I removed him as a contact back when starting NC but he didn't remove me, so he was still in my list. I felt like this was a sign and messaged him saying I would like him to do me a favour that wouldn't be hard on him but would really help me, and if he ever cared abt me that could motivate him to do it... His only reply was: "what?"

It's so passive agressive, I'm afraid if I ask for the favour, he'll just treat me like a leper again, which would hurt me... On the other hand, I wanna ask him to talk to me. I want a grown-up, sit down, short talk, just so I can have some answers and closure finally. In the past, these kinds of talk throughs helped me in similar situations. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't do it though (which would be painful but also a kind of closure I suppose). I think I still need to ask though, for myself.

My question is: is that a bad idea? Should I just save myself the time? And if I message him, how can I put this request in a way that's acceptable?

I really do not want him to think I'm pathethic for having issues still (when clearly he's moved on ages ago and is fine) nor that I want to get back with him and being desperate (neither is true)....

 

I'm seeing my counsellor (after 6 months, finally) tomorrow, but in case she cancels on me again, I wanted some other people's opinion...

 

Please do not judge me. I know ppl here think NC is the end all and be all after BU, but I just thought it might not be the best solution to me..

[Redhead14]

So, a little bit of background info abt me: Had a pretty effed up life as a child and teenager, so been battling chronic depression, anxiety, self-harm tendencies, eating disorders and PTSD for over 10 years. Had multiple suicide attempts since age 12 (23 now). I've left the toxic environment but still has been having a lot of problems. I have dated several guys, only been with two. The last one is the one I've only ever loved and trusted, and also the only one that ended up dumping me. This story is gonna be about him.

 

We met on Tinder 6 months ago or so, neither of us were looking for anything, but after the first date, it was clear that we couldn't just leave it as that. He pursued me strongly, waited etc, seemed like an all-around charming guy. For about a month, we were inseparable but then I had to leave for 10 weeks because of a job. He promised he would wait for me, and he did. We communicated almost every day throughout that, he was still lovely and said things like "he never felt so strongly abt someone" and heavily hinted at being in love. I didn't say anything like that. I was really stressed throughout these times, the job sucked, so we had like 2 fights from misunderstandings. I felt unsupported at times, like when I got robbed and he didn't really seem to take that seriously even tho I was shattered, but we mostly miscommunicated. He forgot my birthday (and two months later when the topic came up, his response was "well you were far away", and I left it at that though it really hurt me that he just didn't care at all), and let my fave plant die that I trusted him with, wasn't bothered by that at all, but these were the worst things still. So, we were good. I thought him saying how all his exes were "cunts" that cheated on him, was a red flag, but I also felt sorry for him, so ignored that.

 

Fastforward, I come back to the country. I took an extra long an expensive journey just so I could see him earlier by few hours... Meanwhile, he was training a client and even after had to go in to his job for "15 mins" to talk to his boss. I took it hard because he already had to ask me when am I arriving, after I told him the day repeatedly, but then he requested it as his day off, so what was that about? Seeing him again was so sweet though, I tried to play it down, even though the 15 mins were actually 2 hours... I was ill and he didn't tell me what's up so I texted him that I'm leaving, to which he left and we made up. Later that day we had a wonderful evening with his friends (a couple), one of the things I loved most about him that he was always openly affectionate in front of his mates as well. He ended up telling me he's been in love with me for over a month.

 

A week later we had a misunderstanding that turned into an fight on snapchat, and he ended up dumping me there. I blocked him everywhere, was crushed, tried talking to him even afterwards. First he would ignore me, then reply. Then, after a week, he texted me saying I should get my stuff from his. I did, and when we met, we both apologised (I started though), he promised he'd never do this again, made up. I told him I loved him and didn't want to lose him. Next meet after this, he apologised again and admitted he shouldn't have handled things the way he did.

 

After that, we started seeing each other less than less as his job became more and more busy, like inhumane busy, 100+ hours eventually. I took this really hard and told him that in person after asking him to meet for "talk", and that I felt like he wasn't that into me anymore, and that the only reason we're still together is because I fighted for it. We had small fights, but we always did, we are two very different people. I also told him I'm ill (I never told him the details mentioned above), I've had family and job and school troubles, and that might make me a bit more drama and sensitive lately, but he shouldn't take it to himself. He ended up reassuring me that this wasn't the case and he still loved me, he's just emotionally not that open or talkative. That's definitely true, because after this, he's never once asked me how I was doing with any of those issues.

 

The 3 summer months with him (even the long distance) were the most symptom free and happy periods of my life. I even came of my meds, though since September my condition has worsened gradually, and now I'll have to go back on them.

 

For 6 weeks we'd met like 6 times, and only at night for a few hours at either his or my place because his schedule was just so bad. It wasn't a booty call, that I know, but it still felt ****ty, especially that he'd initiate and even reply to my texts less and less. He still always said he loved me and I could visible see him getting more and more ill from his insane working hours - he didn't only not had time for me, but his hobbies, passions, friends, or sleeping at least 4-5 hours a day either. No days off either. Meanwhile, I was feeling ****tier and more anxious by the day, also having no support but constant doubts about him. Around halloween, I was already suicidal. He ended up helping me with a big favour and that was the last I saw him (1st of Nov), because a week later he started ghosting me. It happened after I emotionally texted him a very long and kinda angry msg (second time in 6 weeks, but first one was because of a misunderstanding) asking whether he thinks the way we've been doing is okay, will it change ever (he kept making promises saying his hours would change, he'd leave his job, etc, to no avail, he still works there btw), and that I felt neglected by him, and there came the snappy replies from him. He never replied to my last messages where I apologised for the break out saying I just miss him too much. after trying to contact him abt 3 times, he dumped me in text. He would refuse to take my call, call me, or even see me while returning my stuff from his. He said I could take it from his roommate (didn"t want to go through that again, so I left it at it). Even while he did this, I was the one apologetic and trying to work things out eventually, he said he doesn't need my "needy outbursts" every single week... Bit of an exaggaration, but whatevs. Even then, I said, we were good together, doesn't he wanna work things out, doesn't he have any feelings left? He said he missed me too but he doesnt have time for what I need from a guy (or what anyone needs). That was his only msg to me in a decent tone, so I asked him whether he wants me to leave him alone or still has some feelings left and would work this out... He never replied.

 

A month ago, I deleted him from social media and started NC. For a month, I would do everything to get over him, but nothing helped, my depression just got worse too. Over a week ago PTSD-like symptoms started again (I recognise it, had it before so...) so now I can't even sleep at all, it's destroying my life. Even while together, in the last month, I was thinking about breaking up but the way he did it is what ****ed me up. When I looked at his social media he even posted things like his best mate being his only love, after the break up. It made me feel really ****ty. Because of my illness, I can't even be mad at him, just blame myself. Talking to several ppl and thinking abt things over and over again, I know we weren't right for each other, and wouldn't want to get back with him, he treated me really crappily I think(?). But I never got closure, can't move on like this.

 

Yesterday, when I woke up after 3 hours of sleep (like every night lately) sweaty, scared and crying after a nightmare and flashbacks, I noticed that he was online on Skype. I removed him as a contact back when starting NC but he didn't remove me, so he was still in my list. I felt like this was a sign and messaged him saying I would like him to do me a favour that wouldn't be hard on him but would really help me, and if he ever cared abt me that could motivate him to do it... His only reply was: "what?"

It's so passive agressive, I'm afraid if I ask for the favour, he'll just treat me like a leper again, which would hurt me... On the other hand, I wanna ask him to talk to me. I want a grown-up, sit down, short talk, just so I can have some answers and closure finally. In the past, these kinds of talk throughs helped me in similar situations. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't do it though (which would be painful but also a kind of closure I suppose). I think I still need to ask though, for myself.

My question is: is that a bad idea? Should I just save myself the time? And if I message him, how can I put this request in a way that's acceptable?

I really do not want him to think I'm pathethic for having issues still (when clearly he's moved on ages ago and is fine) nor that I want to get back with him and being desperate (neither is true)....

 

I'm seeing my counsellor (after 6 months, finally) tomorrow, but in case she cancels on me again, I wanted some other people's opinion...

 

Please do not judge me. I know ppl here think NC is the end all and be all after BU, but I just thought it might not be the best solution to me..

 

I know ppl here think NC is the end all and be all after BU, but I just thought it might not be the best solution to me -- You and your situation are the very reason NC is the way to go. You struggle with PTSD . . . if you continue talking to him or seeing him on social media, etc., reminders, you will be triggered over and over again.

 

Trust me, a conversation to get closure/finalize the break up will not do what you think/hope it will. There is no such thing as closure FROM the other person. Closure comes from within.

 

If your therapist cancels on you again, you start shopping for another therapist . . .

[whatdeww18]

I'm so sorry and it must be so tough to deal with a break up with all this other stuff going on as well. My heart truly goes out to you.

 

I am really hoping this helps you. Please, I really hope it does. I broke NC when my ex messaged me and we talked a bit casually and I stupidly asked him if I could get some closure. He didn't even really give me an answer that I found satisfactory, found myself having to dig for answers, and I'm only left with more. Leave your wounds as they are and don't dig for any deeper wounds. Please, I am praying for you to be able to meet with your therapist and like the above poster suggested, if he/she cancels, find another. You deserve the help and wish I could do more for you.

 

IT DOES NOT HELP. I just had a nightmare and I thought I had it bad, I can't begin to fathom the depths of pain that you must be in with PTSD and depression. Just focus on remembering how amazing and beautiful you are! Hoping you find some peace and relaxation, my friend

 

With my utmost sincere regards,

-WhatDEWWWWW

[bluepanox]

Do not break NC. It is the worst thing you can do. I have panic disorder and depression. I was doing well with my doctor and one day I thought to myself to break NC. Big mistake I ended up relapsing and now I am working my way back again. This time I deleted my Facebook and blocked it on my computer.

When you are at a point, where you can think of him changing multiple partners and that now he is in a loving caring relationship, and the only thing that comes in your mind is that you need to wash your clothes, then it is ok to break NC.

[CrazyCatlessLady]

Redhead14, thank you for your advice, it was really hard for me to accept but you're absolutely right...

 

Thankfully, my therapist didn't cancel and meeting her actually really helped. I wish I'd have come sooner. After having had 20+ therapists/psychiatrists/psychologists/etc, I really have no energy or motivation to look for an other one... Especially that only two of these ever actually helped (one of them is my current one).

 

Whatdeww18, thank you so much for your incredible empathy and kind words! It really means/meant a lot to me, don't know how to express how much... All the best to you as well!

 

bluepanox I should and am trying to take your advice, thank you for replying! I actually had some quite weak moments when I had to write into notes to myself what I'd write to him... But honestly, he wouldn't agree to meet and even if he did, it'd just lead to further pain. And then again, giving him a piece of my mind about how unnecessarily hurtful he was, wouldn't make him think or feel any kind of guilt at all... I guess that comes with being the kind of person he is.

 

Yesterday I called a friend and I explained to her everything about the BU, telling her who wrote what and so on... And even while I was saying the things I did out loud, I felt ridiculous. Pathetic, even. I realised that if I'm ashamed at how much I fought for him then it means he wasn't worth that much fighting for. Not to mention, all the excuses I made for him in my mind, just sounded desperate when said out loud. It was hard to hear my friend's words and accept that she's probably right, whatever he said he never cared about me. And it's time for me to let go.

So, yesterday, I removed and blocked him on Skype. I'm not blocking him on FB (done that and reversed it before) but I will not look at his profile. Honestly, at this point I'm starting to feel some kind of repulsion, finally seeing clearly how less his words and promises mattered to him, how little he must have cared about me to throw me away so easily.

[jorgeg3d]

I feel for you OP. And as most of us here, we can relate to your situation. I still have trouble having a full nights rest, after about 2 months after the BU. I tend to write everything I'm feeling towards her so that I can let it out, and out of my head. It helps, it really does.

 

But I stupidly broke NC about 10 days ago, telling her that I understand and I'd be here for her regardless of the outcome.

 

Needless to say she hasn't replied to me and it does hurt like hell. I did expect it to happen that way, but again it doesn't serve any purpose. Because people like that have no empathy for others and don't know how to be an adult and talk about things. Because its easier to ignore your issues than face them head on.

 

So I hold my head up high, and keep moving forward. Love yourself and everything else will follow.

Edited December 20, 2016 by jorgeg3d

[whatdeww18]

Of course, it's hard going through any sort of break up and to add all this on top, I can't even put my head around it!

I've been thinking about my pain and remembered I posted here and shot up a quick prayer and thought I would come back and check on how you are doing!

Hope things have been getting better slowly and that you met your therapist

 

Still wishing you the best and a healthy recovery!

 

-WhatDEWWWWW