Feelings about Not Starting a Family

[BC1980]

I wasn't quite sure where to put this thread. I wanted to see how some others who are in or have been in my situation feel about not having children. I turned 36 last week, and I'm not married and have no children. Throughout my 20s, I never really thought much about getting married and starting a family. When I was 29, I met a man that I dated for 3 years (I have multiple threads about this relationship on LS), and we planned to marry. His first wife died young, and he was a single dad to one son. I found myself really stepping into the role of mothering his son and felt I could be content not having children of my own if I married this man. We did talk about having children, and we left the possibility open. However, when he broke up with me, he did say he knew I still thought about having children, but he felt that part of his life was over (he was 49 at the time). I was 32 at the time and was so consumed with grief and disappointment that I didn't give thought to much else.

 

So fast forward to the past year. It has really hit me that I haven't gotten married and started a family. Most of my friends are pretty much done having kids, and I'm realizing I missed that entire part of life. I know 36 is young, and I could still have children. But I also know I might never have children. That thought is very sad to me, and I've been having difficulty coming to terms with the idea. I feel very fulfilled in other parts of my life, but that part seems lacking. I do get lonely because I am not dating anyone. I miss being in a relationship. My parents are getting older, and I can't help but think of what will happen when they die one day. Will I be left alone with no family? That thought seems very scary to me.

 

I'm just looking to hear from anyone else who feels this way or who feels that they don't fit the typical mold of having a spouse and children as their nuclear unit. How did you deal with these feelings? I sometimes feel that I don't fit in with my friends. It's weird around the holidays too. My cousins and friends are doing fun Christmas stuff with their kids, and it makes me sad that I can't be a part of that with children and family of my own.

[Blanco]

It's in the back of my mind, for sure, though I wouldn't say I'm concerned about it just yet.

 

I'm in my early thirties and was in a situation similar to you, OP. She had two young children from a previous relationship and I came to love them as my own.

 

They changed my mind about even having kids, but once that happened, I knew I probably wanted at least one of my own. As the relationship pressed on, it became more apparent that this wasn't going to happen. It wasn't the reason why we split up, but it was another sign that our relationship didn't have a solid future.

 

So that's been over for a couple of years, and I've spent that time regrouping and just trying to shore up the weaknesses I've had that can become detriments within a relationship.

 

It's been beneficial, but it also means that I've added a couple years on to my age and found myself further away from a family life than I was in my late twenties. It's an odd feeling. Like I dropped my note cards for a speech I was making, picked them up, only to realize that they're now out of order.

[BC1980]

I am sorta in the same boat as you. I am 38, divorced with no kids. Sure, I could probably find some young girl and get her knocked up if I was really in a rush to do so, but that isn't exactly solid decision making. There are very few women around here that are like you, in my age bracket with no kids that is. Most have already had a few, and either should not, or will not have any more. I am seeing a woman now, around my age with no kids, but this is because she had some physical problems when she was younger that make it very difficult for her to get pregnant. She would have to see a doctor and pay out a bunch of cash to make it happen. So, yeah, I feel where you are coming from. Definitely.

 

It's a weird feeling. I didn't start feeling this way until the past year. I certainly never worried about any of this in my 20s. It's like I just woke up one day and realized that I am getting older. I'm past my prime to get married and start a family. So I feel like I am grieving the loss of that in some way. I'm coming to terms with it. And that's not to say that I can't have a good life without marriage and kids. I do have a good life and am happy overall. But I still feel like I missed out on something, and I'm coming to terms with that.

[BC1980]

It's been beneficial, but it also means that I've added a couple years on to my age and found myself further away from a family life than I was in my late twenties. It's an odd feeling. Like I dropped my note cards for a speech I was making, picked them up, only to realize that they're now out of order.

 

Nice analogy It took me two years to get over my ex, and, during that time, I was so focused on moving on and doing what I needed to do to accomplish that, I never considered anything else. When I finally realized I didn't think about the relationship much anymore, I found myself at a loss with what to do next. It was like, "now what?" How does the story continue?

[thefooloftheyear]

If its not in the cards for you, then it may be a downer, but it won't define you as a person...I love my daughter with every fiber in my body and thank God she is here...despite the circumstances..I don't know where Id be without her..

 

The crappy part is that someone who is as smart and level headed as you, BC, may never get to live that experience(you as well. eniigma),..I have no doubt you would be a wonderful parent/mother,,I know it may not be much consolation, but raising kids properly is extremely hard and much harder than I imagined...

 

You never know where life will take you...For all we know, it may happen...Either way, you will be fine, I am sure..Keep your family close and enjoy this life to its fullest...

 

I wish you all the best:)

 

TFY

[Justanaverageguy]

33 in the same boat. I'm divorced without kids. Its weird as I never thought too much about kids but always expected I would have had them around now. I never craved to have children - but just expected I would when I found the right girl.

 

Life sometimes throws us some curve balls though - got divorced 2 1/1 years ago and I guess my first instinct was not to jump back into another serious relationship. I feel like now I've had some time on my own and doing less serious relationships I would like to find something a bit more serious and perhaps kids will be a part of that.

[Ronni_W]

But I still feel like I missed out on something, and I'm coming to terms with that.

Hi BC1980...

...and many hugs. For me, your post would be quite fitting for the 'Spirituality' sub-forum, in a 'the-meaning-of-life' way.

I'm closer to 60 than most any other number, also not in a relationship and childless, but by choice; so, a different perspective, for sure.

 

Your sense of "missing out on something" in this life really resonates with me, but, for me, my sense of it has more been that it's some internal 'thing' that was absent.

In the past two or so years, I came across a book titled, 'Master Keys to Personal Christhood', and it was like some huge cloud got lifted. "AHA!" (said I to myself), "Maybe this is pointing to what I've been struggling with for most of my life." It sort of brought home that, just maybe, the facts of my current outer circumstances - especially what I'm still perceiving as much more 'negative' than positive - are part of my life's 'bigger picture'; so, I'm in the process of working it from this angle. This whole 'journey' has, though, taken me more within myself and more withdrawn from the 'things of this world', including family and friends.

 

If any of this makes sense or stirs something within yourself, feel free to PM me. (Although, I quite realize that it's not a usual thing; in fact, sometimes I feel like I've gone quite mad .)

 

I'm past my prime to get married and start a family. So I feel like I am grieving the loss of that in some way.

Yes, indeed, when we get to a point where life seems to have taken us to a 'Plan B', instead of our original - even if not clearly-formulated - vision for our life, then it is a loss. I do acknowledge you for your courage to look at it and deal with it, rather than just try to pretend it away or cover it over through some type of outer activity that won't, ultimately, bring any lasting peace.

 

BUT. If I may, I'm not going to agree with you that you are "past your prime" in any way - not for making the difference that you are meant to make in this world. (Yes, I get that there may, at a point sooner than later, be biological constraints on having a healthy and safe pregnancy, but...)

In any event, I hope that you're okay with me disagreeing with you, on that?

 

Wishing you all the best,

In Light.

Ronni

[No_Go]

I'm in the same boat as you. I haven't really thought about kids at all till 27-28 (hah, I haven't really dated by then), the though of a family started getting more serious around 30. I dated for nearly 2 years a guy that I thought I'll have family with, but we broke it off recently - so here I am - 32, no kids, no RL.

 

I though about egg-freezing so I keep it as an option in the future if I get into a proper RL and I'm too old. I may not be able to do it because of some health issues... If you can, why don't give it a try? It's going to buy you good 10 years (or more) of fertile time... Uterus doesn't age significantly, and the eggs will stay in the age of extraction.

 

I wasn't quite sure where to put this thread. I wanted to see how some others who are in or have been in my situation feel about not having children. I turned 36 last week, and I'm not married and have no children. Throughout my 20s, I never really thought much about getting married and starting a family. When I was 29, I met a man that I dated for 3 years (I have multiple threads about this relationship on LS), and we planned to marry. His first wife died young, and he was a single dad to one son. I found myself really stepping into the role of mothering his son and felt I could be content not having children of my own if I married this man. We did talk about having children, and we left the possibility open. However, when he broke up with me, he did say he knew I still thought about having children, but he felt that part of his life was over (he was 49 at the time). I was 32 at the time and was so consumed with grief and disappointment that I didn't give thought to much else.

 

So fast forward to the past year. It has really hit me that I haven't gotten married and started a family. Most of my friends are pretty much done having kids, and I'm realizing I missed that entire part of life. I know 36 is young, and I could still have children. But I also know I might never have children. That thought is very sad to me, and I've been having difficulty coming to terms with the idea. I feel very fulfilled in other parts of my life, but that part seems lacking. I do get lonely because I am not dating anyone. I miss being in a relationship. My parents are getting older, and I can't help but think of what will happen when they die one day. Will I be left alone with no family? That thought seems very scary to me.

 

I'm just looking to hear from anyone else who feels this way or who feels that they don't fit the typical mold of having a spouse and children as their nuclear unit. How did you deal with these feelings? I sometimes feel that I don't fit in with my friends. It's weird around the holidays too. My cousins and friends are doing fun Christmas stuff with their kids, and it makes me sad that I can't be a part of that with children and family of my own.

[BC1980]

If its not in the cards for you, then it may be a downer, but it won't define you as a person...I love my daughter with every fiber in my body and thank God she is here...despite the circumstances..I don't know where Id be without her..

 

The crappy part is that someone who is as smart and level headed as you, BC, may never get to live that experience(you as well. eniigma),..I have no doubt you would be a wonderful parent/mother,,I know it may not be much consolation, but raising kids properly is extremely hard and much harder than I imagined...

 

You never know where life will take you...For all we know, it may happen...Either way, you will be fine, I am sure..Keep your family close and enjoy this life to its fullest...

 

I wish you all the best:)

 

TFY

 

Thanks. That is such a nice thing to say. We can only control so much. If I have learned anything, there is so much in life that does not turn out "to plan."

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Edited December 15, 2016 by BC1980

[BC1980]

33 in the same boat. I'm divorced without kids. Its weird as I never thought too much about kids but always expected I would have had them around now. I never craved to have children - but just expected I would when I found the right girl.

 

Life sometimes throws us some curve balls though - got divorced 2 1/1 years ago and I guess my first instinct was not to jump back into another serious relationship. I feel like now I've had some time on my own and doing less serious relationships I would like to find something a bit more serious and perhaps kids will be a part of that.

 

I tried to date immediately after my last relationship ended, and I couldn't. I just wasn't over it, and I couldn't see myself with another man. I had a hard time feeling attracted to another man for months after that relationship ended. I ended up deciding to focus my efforts on going through the natural grieving process and focusing on starting a new life. I have been on a few dates here and there over the past few years, but nothing clicked. Heck, I had an offer of FWB with an ex from further in my past, but I didn't take him up on it because he's married. I don't want to be the side piece to a married man. But I sometimes think about it because I miss the physical intimacy.

 

I can't believe that I will have been single for 4 years next year. The fact is that time passes no matter what. Time doesn't wait for you to grieve and move on. Times doesn't wait of you to get your shiz together, so you can date again. But I still have a lot of good years left in me and will hopefully meet someone I can connect with down the line.

[BC1980]

Hi BC1980...

...and many hugs. For me, your post would be quite fitting for the 'Spirituality' sub-forum, in a 'the-meaning-of-life' way.

I'm closer to 60 than most any other number, also not in a relationship and childless, but by choice; so, a different perspective, for sure.

 

Your sense of "missing out on something" in this life really resonates with me, but, for me, my sense of it has more been that it's some internal 'thing' that was absent.

In the past two or so years, I came across a book titled, 'Master Keys to Personal Christhood', and it was like some huge cloud got lifted. "AHA!" (said I to myself), "Maybe this is pointing to what I've been struggling with for most of my life." It sort of brought home that, just maybe, the facts of my current outer circumstances - especially what I'm still perceiving as much more 'negative' than positive - are part of my life's 'bigger picture'; so, I'm in the process of working it from this angle. This whole 'journey' has, though, taken me more within myself and more withdrawn from the 'things of this world', including family and friends.

 

If any of this makes sense or stirs something within yourself, feel free to PM me. (Although, I quite realize that it's not a usual thing; in fact, sometimes I feel like I've gone quite mad .)

 

Yes, indeed, when we get to a point where life seems to have taken us to a 'Plan B', instead of our original - even if not clearly-formulated - vision for our life, then it is a loss. I do acknowledge you for your courage to look at it and deal with it, rather than just try to pretend it away or cover it over through some type of outer activity that won't, ultimately, bring any lasting peace.

 

BUT. If I may, I'm not going to agree with you that you are "past your prime" in any way - not for making the difference that you are meant to make in this world. (Yes, I get that there may, at a point sooner than later, be biological constraints on having a healthy and safe pregnancy, but...)

In any event, I hope that you're okay with me disagreeing with you, on that?

 

Wishing you all the best,

In Light.

Ronni

 

Thank you for your thoughts. I struggle with my religious beliefs. I made a thread on that too! Today, I wondered if maybe I am simply scared of the future, and I see having a husband and children as a stabilizing force. Maybe I am looking for something else entirely. It's interesting to consider. Since my last relationship, I have struggled with the idea of permanence in relationships and feelings. A lot of what happened caught me off guard, and I have wondered if I can feel safe or trust anyone in a relationship again.

 

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[BC1980]

I'm in the same boat as you. I haven't really thought about kids at all till 27-28 (hah, I haven't really dated by then), the though of a family started getting more serious around 30. I dated for nearly 2 years a guy that I thought I'll have family with, but we broke it off recently - so here I am - 32, no kids, no RL.

 

I though about egg-freezing so I keep it as an option in the future if I get into a proper RL and I'm too old. I may not be able to do it because of some health issues... If you can, why don't give it a try? It's going to buy you good 10 years (or more) of fertile time... Uterus doesn't age significantly, and the eggs will stay in the age of extraction.

 

I have honestly never thought about freezing my eggs. I wonder if I am thinking about children because it's slowly becoming something out of reach? I think there is more to it than that, but I also think that things become more attractive when you can't have them.

[carhill]

My parents are getting older, and I can't help but think of what will happen when they die one day. Will I be left alone with no family? That thought seems very scary to me.

Ha, ha, my parents were older when I was born so I didn't have that many years to consider the realities. Yep, if you're an only like I am, boom done, alone. Scary? IDK, to me not really. We're all alone when we die. I couldn't assuage my parent's suffering or death, though while they were cognizant and conscious maybe being there helped. IDK. Same with any other loved one who's died. We all die alone. No one can accompany us down that path in any meaningful way. I made peace with that, and being alone. FWIW, there's no prison more brutal than being alone in a marriage. Not in my experience anyway. Pass on that forever. Done.

 

I'm just looking to hear from anyone else who feels this way or who feels that they don't fit the typical mold of having a spouse and children as their nuclear unit. How did you deal with these feelings?

No guarantees in life and even the best laid plans can go sideways.

I sometimes feel that I don't fit in with my friends.

Yup, especially when they're gushing about their grandchildren and great grandchildren, I know!

It's weird around the holidays too. My cousins and friends are doing fun Christmas stuff with their kids, and it makes me sad that I can't be a part of that with children and family of my own.

You, or I, can be a part of anything we want to be a part of, or none of it. We have free will. Tomorrow I'll decorate a nice little Christmas tree with some of the same ornaments I used to decorate it with as a child. Put some lights up. Write out and mail some Christmas cards. Why? Because I want to, for me. It gives me pleasure. I don't care what any passers by think of the modest home in the forest with the lights or what friends with their broods think of the divorced guy sending them a Christmas card. I like doing it, so I do it. What do you like doing? Do it. In the big scheme of things, others aren't that important. You can make them important, sure. That's a choice. Heck, I'm going to take some carrots across the street tomorrow morning now that the rain has let up and feed the horses. Why not? That's what life's about, living.

[Springsummer]

I though about egg-freezing so I keep it as an option in the future if I get into a proper RL and I'm too old. I may not be able to do it because of some health issues... If you can, why don't give it a try? It's going to buy you good 10 years (or more) of fertile time... Uterus doesn't age significantly, and the eggs will stay in the age of extraction.

 

I researched it a bit.

 

I am still not ready for RL and a kid and I am getting old... I don't want to regret when I have no option.

 

but how troublesome and costly is it to do it?

[Popsicle]

I don't think you're alone. I met an OB/GYN doctor not long ago and she said that much to her surprise, her practice is inundated with women over 35 and up to 50 wanting to have children. She says the number of these women that she sees is astounding.

[BC1980]

Ha, ha, my parents were older when I was born so I didn't have that many years to consider the realities. Yep, if you're an only like I am, boom done, alone. Scary? IDK, to me not really. We're all alone when we die. I couldn't assuage my parent's suffering or death, though while they were cognizant and conscious maybe being there helped. IDK. Same with any other loved one who's died. We all die alone. No one can accompany us down that path in any meaningful way. I made peace with that, and being alone. FWIW, there's no prison more brutal than being alone in a marriage. Not in my experience anyway. Pass on that forever. Done.

 

No guarantees in life and even the best laid plans can go sideways. Yup, especially when they're gushing about their grandchildren and great grandchildren, I know! You, or I, can be a part of anything we want to be a part of, or none of it. We have free will. Tomorrow I'll decorate a nice little Christmas tree with some of the same ornaments I used to decorate it with as a child. Put some lights up. Write out and mail some Christmas cards. Why? Because I want to, for me. It gives me pleasure. I don't care what any passers by think of the modest home in the forest with the lights or what friends with their broods think of the divorced guy sending them a Christmas card. I like doing it, so I do it. What do you like doing? Do it. In the big scheme of things, others aren't that important. You can make them important, sure. That's a choice. Heck, I'm going to take some carrots across the street tomorrow morning now that the rain has let up and feed the horses. Why not? That's what life's about, living.

 

That sounds great. I love to be outdoors. I have a cat but have considered getting a dog one day, so I can walk him/her outside. I can have a companion when I'm outside.

 

I definitely agree with you about the dying part. Working in healthcare, I see people who are sick or in the process of dying. It makes me wonder what will happen when I am in that place one day. Will there be anyone there for me? When I am no longer able to take care of myself or drive, will I commit myself to an assisted living or nursing home? Some people don't have a "contact person" or a ride home. We have to give them a cab voucher to get home. It just makes you wonder, will that be me one day? Because most of the time, it's children taking care of their parents or a spouse taking care of a spouse. You sometimes see a an older sibling or even a niece or nephew. I think all the time about when my parents die, who will be there for me? I have one sister, so we have each other. But is it also wrong to want a family, so someone will be there when I am old and sick?

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[BC1980]

I don't think you're alone. I met an OB/GYN doctor not long ago and she said that much to her surprise, her practice is inundated with women over 35 and up to 50 wanting to have children. She says the number of these women that she sees is astounding.

 

I think that makes sense because people seem to be waiting longer to have children. I feel it has a lot to do with the fact that women now look to have careers, so they aren't looking to get married right away. I certainly wasn't even thinking about getting married in my 20s. When I met my ex, I was 29, and it seemed like the right time to consider marriage and think about kids. I'm not sure I would have been ready before then. Both of my female cousins didn't have kids until their early 30s. I remember some people from high school having kids before 25, and I thought, gosh, that is so young. But looking back, I wonder if that is better in some ways. My mom was 23 when she had me, so I have a better chance of having her around a long time.

[BC1980]

I was thinking more about the initial question I asked, and I feel like I'm struggling a bit because I am entering a new phase in my life. My 20s are now firmly behind me. I've passed the phase where I would get married and start a family during the time people normally do it. My friend with kids are no longer in the stage of having babies anymore. They've moved on to raising their kids.

 

I've entered a phase where I'm thinking more about supporting myself as a single person indefinitely. I'm thinking about my parents dying one day and being without them. I'm imagining what my life would be like when that day comes. Just a lot of weird feelings and questions, and I'm struggling to find my place. Like I'm going through a change and having growing pains. The other day I realized I was 20 years old and in college 16 years ago. I realized that in 14 years, I will be 50. Wow! I can still remember college vividly. Seems like yesterday in a lot of ways. Scary to see how time has flown.