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Struggling to trust new girlfriend :( [update: Girlfriend cheated - how to end it]

HumanMachine

By HumanMachine
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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
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I went through my girlfriend's phone and found that she had been talking to her ex. She set the chat to 'no alerts' meaning it wouldn't ever pop up on her phone.

 

He asked her to meet up and she said:

 

"I don't want to upset *me* so i'm going to have to pass, plus you remember what happened last time"

 

He repled

 

"No problem"

 

This tells me that she has met up with him since we started our relationship and slept with him.

 

I asked her to her face this morning "are you sure your ex isn't still contacting you?" She looked me square in the eyes and said "no I promise, I'd tell you anyway".. bearing in mind she had been talking to him yesterday.

 

How do i proceed with this? Straight to NC?

 

My answer depends upon how badly do you need her and this relationship...

 

For me, the moment that I got the urge to read her email, that would have told me that my relationship is doomed. That urge came from someplace. Having read it, I would have printed out the correspondences, written that I was done with her, then put that where she could see it and then block her every which way I could.

 

She premeditatively carried on communication with her ex behind your back for the duration of your relationship. I don't think I'd be really concerned about her feelings or how "confused" she's going to say that she is when you confront her. And people are only confused when they are in a relationship but are giving entrée to someone else at the same time.

GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

Posted
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She lied about talking to her ex but nothing about the situation says she cheated.

That "last time" could have been before you two were together.

Nothing says she slept with him too.

 

Lots of assumptions here.

 

You can have a talk with her or break up with her but seeing as you snooped theough her phone without her knowing, I can't see it ending well either way.

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winny Established Member

winny

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What made you to check her phone?

doyathinkso Established Member

doyathinkso

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She's not going to talk honestly with you so what's the point to broaching another conversation.

 

Just ghost her.

 

If she manages to track you down and starts asking you about what's going on just tell her "I know, and now you know I know. You know?"

BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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GoreSP, Maybe you want to read that a little closer.

 

I won't give me record again, suffice to say, she is sleeping around.

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fireflywy Established Member

fireflywy

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Doesn't matter why you looked through the her phone.

 

1. Communicating with ex (People need to burn their ships)

2. They most likely met up once before.

3. You asked her about it, she lied about communicating.

4. Lied again about telling you if she had.

 

2 lies in one conversation. Your instincts to check were right. Let her walk.

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ElizabethIII Established Member

ElizabethIII

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You checked her phone as you suspected something.

 

Tell her it's over and dont tell her why.

 

Dont give her the closure of knowing why. She can stew in it.

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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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What made you to check her phone?

 

I don't actually know, i could just feel something was up

Whitestar Established Member

Whitestar

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I don't actually know, i could just feel something was up

 

Always trust your intuition

 

There were "Red Flags" from the first with my ex gf which I chose to ignore. It was the very same issues that came up at the end of the relationship 3 years later.

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sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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It's not concrete proof she's cheated, but she's obviously lying. If she wanted to meet up with him, she could have done, but she declined because it would upset you.

 

You can simply say it's not working for you ... you know she's been meeting up with her Ex and you don't trust her.

You can say it it text it.

 

Then NC.

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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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It's not concrete proof she's cheated, but she's obviously lying. If she wanted to meet up with him, she could have done, but she declined because it would upset you.

 

You can simply say it's not working for you ... you know she's been meeting up with her Ex and you don't trust her.

You can say it it text it.

 

Then NC.

 

If she messaged him saying "no i have a boyfriend, i don't want to meet you" or something along those lines then MAYBE i'd feel differently.. however she didn't even say no, just that she couldn't because it would upset me :(

gorf Established Member

gorf

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After she so convincingly lied to me earlier? No chance!

 

Convincingly? Well you let it be that way by not calling her out on the spot. Not sure why

  • Like 1
OnlyHonesty Established Member

OnlyHonesty

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You know what you need to do. This thread only exists because like so many in bad relationships, you are afraid of walking away.

 

This is one of the most common issues, being unable to enforce boundaries by taking permanent action.

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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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You know what you need to do. This thread only exists because like so many in bad relationships, you are afraid of walking away.

 

This is one of the most common issues, being unable to enforce boundaries by taking permanent action.

 

Agreed! But like a lot of things in life.. easier said than done!!

  • Like 1
somecamel Established Member

somecamel

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I was in a similar situation a few years back and I done the same as you but I took it a step further and become obsessed with monitoring the situation, I'd hacked her Skype, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and even had a spyware program on her laptop so I could see each and everytime she was contacting him.

 

I regret the lengths I went to in my spying and 3 years later, I understand why I done it but it brought nothing but pain.

 

She's lied to you already and she will lie to you again and you'll be made out to be the person that done wrong by looking at her phone.

 

It's a horrible situation to be in but only you can ensure that at the end of this 'You'll be ok'.

 

I don't know how long you've been with this girl but you need to start making arrangements for the end of this.

 

You'll get a lot of support from the guys here as your emotions can really cloud your judgement in these situations.

Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

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OP if the conversation was literally what you posted here, I read it as she turned down meeting him for you. I have no context as to what last time was but it does sound like something happened though it doesn't mean it was when you two were together.

 

Having said that I would have been not able to handle the lying. If she said something like he contacted me and wanted to meet up and I told him no I could see how there may be some innocence here but since you know she lied that would be break up worthy for me.

  • Like 2
GoreSP Established Member

GoreSP

Posted
Posted
If she messaged him saying "no i have a boyfriend, i don't want to meet you" or something along those lines then MAYBE i'd feel differently.. however she didn't even say no, just that she couldn't because it would upset me :(

 

So she cares about how you'd feel about it.

How is that a bad thing?

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
Agreed! But like a lot of things in life.. easier said than done!!

 

actually, change is the easiest thing in the world to effect. You do it, it's done.

 

the decision to change is what's hard because deep down inside, you don't want to change in that direction: you want change according to wanting what/who you want, not change in the sense that you will be without sexual access and will have to go without sex for a period of time until you meet and click with someone new..

  • Like 1
  • 3 weeks later...
  • Author
HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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Rather than a story; i'll use bullet points..

 

Gf had me and another guy fwb before we got together

We started rship

I said that I want the other guy out it the picture completely, she agrees

2 months later he pops up on whatsapp, general chit chat

I end it, she cries and begs for me back, I give her a chance, she blocks him and shows me

2 months later (today) he pops up again on whatsapp, again general chit chat

I packed her things whilst she was asleep, when she woke up I told her to leave, she refuses

Cue waterworks, screaming, begging

 

She claims that she can't just cut people out of her life (where as i can), and that they never ended things on bad terms so don't understand why they can't be friends

 

I gave her an ultimatum - me or him

 

She picks me, proceeds to block/delete him off everything (again..)

 

I feel pathetic just typing this..

lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

Posted
Posted

First of all - I like you very much, man. I like your clear unambiguous attitude, your vision, and your moral view.

 

The 2 times he popped up on her whatsapp - how did you find out about it? Did she tell you? Or did you snoop? Did she try to hide it?

  • Like 1
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HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

Posted
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First of all - I like you very much, man. I like your clear unambiguous attitude, your vision, and your moral view.

 

The 2 times he popped up on her whatsapp - how did you find out about it? Did she tell you? Or did you snoop? Did she try to hide it?

 

 

Thank you

 

Initially it popped up on her phone whilst she was asleep, so unashamedly I had to dig deeper, as I am about to book a vacation for us both to go on next month.

 

Admittedly I lied about snooping through her phone, I said that I had a bad dream and it put thoughts in my head about them two still talking. She at first lied, then I asked her to swear on a family member's life that she wasn't still communicating with him, she then crumbled.

 

She went back to sleep. I am downstairs regretting my decision to give her another chance.

Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

Posted
Posted
Thank you

 

Initially it popped up on her phone whilst she was asleep, so unashamedly I had to dig deeper, as I am about to book a vacation for us both to go on next month.

 

Admittedly I lied about snooping through her phone, I said that I had a bad dream and it put thoughts in my head about them two still talking. She at first lied, then I asked her to swear on a family member's life that she wasn't still communicating with him, she then crumbled.

 

She went back to sleep. I am downstairs regretting my decision to give her another chance.

 

 

Cut the strings... she lying to you and thats not a good start

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted (edited)
She claims that she can't just cut people out of her life (where as i can), and that they never ended things on bad terms so don't understand why they can't be friends

 

I gave her an ultimatum - me or him

 

 

She told you––believe her. Some women have the need to cultivate orbiters. It's just that simple, and there's nothing you can do about it. They have poor boundaries and thrive on being woo'd by multiple men. Their sense of self-worth is based on maintaining backup males. They're often more invested in orbiters than the primary relationship and are willing to risk it all. It's always at the expense of the primary relationship.

 

In this case, it's someone she used to bang, she refers to him as a "friend," and doesn't understand why you won't just accept it! The "waterworks, screaming, begging," and multiple instances of this guy popping back up tells you how important it is to her. It isn't a one-time behavior, it's a personality feature.

 

I began dating a woman once who said her ex-boyfriend was her best friend. They had made plans to travel abroad together before she and I got together. So one day she explains all of this to me and asks how I feel about her going on her trip... said she really wanted to go but she'd cancel if I wasn't comfortable with it. I told her, no, absolutely don't cancel on my account. I canceled her instead. Life's too phukking short to deal with other men sniffing around and the woman encouraging it. Just choose women who don't have this need.

Edited by salparadise
  • Like 4
Alamo657 Established Member

Alamo657

Posted
Posted
Rather than a story; i'll use bullet points..

 

Gf had me and another guy fwb before we got together

We started rship

I said that I want the other guy out it the picture completely, she agrees

2 months later he pops up on whatsapp, general chit chat

I end it, she cries and begs for me back, I give her a chance, she blocks him and shows me

2 months later (today) he pops up again on whatsapp, again general chit chat

I packed her things whilst she was asleep, when she woke up I told her to leave, she refuses

Cue waterworks, screaming, begging

 

She claims that she can't just cut people out of her life (where as i can), and that they never ended things on bad terms so don't understand why they can't be friends

 

I gave her an ultimatum - me or him

 

She picks me, proceeds to block/delete him off everything (again..)

 

I feel pathetic just typing this..

 

You're doing the right thing by setting your boundaries unambiguously.

But you're doing the wrong thing by giving her a third chance, because it seems she will never respect them.

hercules22 Established Member

hercules22

Posted
Posted

yeah i will be real careful i would cut ties for good after the 2nd chance

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