Is it ever okay to meet up with an ex for lunch? (UPDATE)

[Versacehottie]

Sure, it's all innocent until your BFs buddy sees you meeting with another guy and he mentions it to your BF. Now what? How do you explain that?

 

 

What are you going to say when he asks, how was your day? What did you do?

 

 

What if he texts you while you are meeting your ex and asks if you can meet him for a quick coffee because he misses you?

 

 

This is really bad advice. Be honest about meeting exs, as you have been so far.

 

we will have to agree to disagree. In the context that the ex is only a friend at this point, how is he different than any other guy friend? All guys that someone might see me hanging out with at lunch can be explained--since it would only be innocent catching up with a friend. If it is an innocent meeting, it's explainable.

 

Needless to say, that wasn't my advice in daisy's situation as she has already told her new bf who is not cool with it. So she should honor that. She also said she wished he was a bit jealous sooooo that would be not the best reason to pursue a meeting with the ex--if telling the current and having him jealous about it is part of the purpose of the meeting.

[Versacehottie]

3) I think the subject of resolve is necessary. Some people need "closure" with an ex for them to know that that chapter in their lives is well and truly closed - so they meet up for lunch, or they go have coffee. But as my boyfriend told me last night, " you've managed this long without him, I think that chapter in your life is closed just by the share amount of time that has passed. If he was serious about making amends due to his previous behaviour ( he use to be a jerk. Even though he was just a kid and so was I at the time) then he would have made amends a life time ago.

 

I agree with your bf--no closure is necessary. People who say closure aren't being honest with themselves. They need an answer that they will never get. There are feelings still there or a need to have the last word. There is still emotion attached to the relationship, its outcome and the meetup. You know the chapter is closed as you have a new boyfriend and the sheer length of time presumes that it is. Your worded statement above is you giving yourself 'closure" if you choose to view it that way.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

we will have to agree to disagree. In the context that the ex is only a friend at this point, how is he different than any other guy friend? All guys that someone might see me hanging out with at lunch can be explained--since it would only be innocent catching up with a friend. If it is an honest meeting, it's explainable.

 

Needless to say, that wasn't my advice in daisy's situation as she has already told her new bf who is not cool with it. So she should honour that. She also said she wished he was a bit jealous ooooh that would be not the best reason to pursue a meeting with the ex--if telling the current and having him jealous about it is part of the purpose of the meeting.

 

It's not an over-riding factor- like OMG, please be jealous- it's my issue of feeling like no has fought for my honour before. But then I have had to fight for my own honour, having to do life on my own for so long with no knight in shining armour to come to my defence. But on that note, he has fought for my honour by checking on my emotions and caring about my feelings and wellbeing. No guy has ever cared. His response to me seeing this guy was not out of jealousy, although he did think it was weird of him. But more, is this going to bring you any resolution or healing? If not, then don't go. If you think you can and you have clear enough boundaries than good. Even if I felt like I did want to meet up with him, and I felt like my boundaries were encroached upon, then my boyfriend said suggested then I just say thank you and leave. There are options. But he did remind me, that this guy had plenty of opportunities to " meet up and do lunch" and now that he is choosing the time to resurface and decide to meet up for a spot of lunch is a bit bizarre. But he's not ripping his hair out and thinking the absolute worse like " this guy still has the hots for my girlfriend and wants to make a move on her". He just thinks it's weird. As I would think it's weird if his ex-girlfriend suddenly turned up and said: " Hey would you like to go out for a coffee sometime?" I'd probably reacting less calm then he is now! I'd be like B----, mind your own business and go away" so for him to act as calmly and as kindly as he is, says lot about this character. I didn't really mean it when I said " I want to make him Jealous" I just know that sometimes, there are hurts in me that still resurface from time to time, and maybe they are resurfacing because of this invitation for lunch with the ex. Stuff happens. But I know overall, I have such an amazing, kind, calm guy who thinks I'm the right kinda girl for him. I just think of all those guys who passed me up, and how NOT right they were for me. The wait may have caused a lot of pain, but I do think overall it made me a lot stronger than a lot of others I know out there who have waited for like only a year or two.

[kendahke]

Question: Is it ever okay, to meet up with an ex for lunch ( even if you broke up with this guy almost 15 years ago) while your beginning a new relationship with someone else?

 

For me, no. Certainly not one on one without my new partner.

 

First off, I don't deal with my ex. He's my ex for a reason.

 

Secondly, meeting my ex for an intimate lunch to crawl inside each other's heads is out of the question for me. What I'm doing with my life now isn't any of his business and it's not my job to satisfy his curiosity. And I have no more effs to give about how he's doing in his life. I forgive him and I'm done with him.

 

I see nothing to gain by it.

Edited December 14, 2016 by kendahke

[bachdude]

Thanks! I'm taking a while to adjust as everything is so new. I'm trying really hard not to screw this up! So I have never had a heated discussion or argument with him. I wouldn't ever want to either. He's being patient with me which is new too. He likes feeling appreciated all the time as his ex five years ago, took him for granted a lot. So he appreciates that I waited a long, long time as he says he's never felt so appreciated and respected before. He also thinks I'm cute and funny, and he says he likes that he feels like he's taking the lead in this relationship as it makes him feel quite masculine ( his words not mine).

 

I may have a lot to learn when it comes to communication and sex and all the rest but he said he would rather have a novice, someone who appreciates new experiences that come with dating, than someone whose had years of experience, believing that they have nothing to learn or gain.

 

I regularly pinch myself and every time my phone buzzes alerting me to a text message from him, I smile, even if it is " Just leaving the house, I'll be there in 15 minutes". I smile extra big if he even asks me what I want like " do you want me to pick anything up from the supermarket?" that may be like normal coupley stuff to plenty of people out there, but I have never experienced anyone interested in what I want or would like before, or even my opinions. So I am grateful. Really grateful.

 

I can't quite believe it!!!!

 

 

I don't even know you but I am really happy for you!

 

 

I think respect and appreciation are so important.

 

 

It sounds like you two are off to a great start!

[bachdude]

we will have to agree to disagree. In the context that the ex is only a friend at this point, how is he different than any other guy friend? All guys that someone might see me hanging out with at lunch can be explained--since it would only be innocent catching up with a friend. If it is an innocent meeting, it's explainable.

 

Needless to say, that wasn't my advice in daisy's situation as she has already told her new bf who is not cool with it. So she should honor that. She also said she wished he was a bit jealous sooooo that would be not the best reason to pursue a meeting with the ex--if telling the current and having him jealous about it is part of the purpose of the meeting.

 

Oh yes, I realize it wasn't meant for Daisy and her present situation.

 

On one level I can understand what you are saying. A friend is a friend. I wouldn't get my SO's input before seeing one of my other friends so why do I have to say anything about seeing an ex, who is just a friend?

 

However, seeing exs is a touchy subject for many and has the potential for a great deal of misunderstandings, especially if it is kept a secret, evidenced by the many threads on LS.

 

And I'm a bit of a convert to this position. It's born out of experience and reading the countless threads on the subject. I have never been with a woman who was totally cool with me meeting up with an ex.

 

Sure, maybe particularly enlightened, Zen master, maharishi, Buddhist monk types are cool with it, but much of the population isn't there yet. And you seem to understand this too because you said it is best to keep it a secret. But a secret has it's own issues as I mentioned in my other response.

 

So best to be open about it.

[Versacehottie]

Oh yes, I realize it wasn't meant for Daisy and her present situation.

 

On one level I can understand what you are saying. A friend is a friend. I wouldn't get my SO's input before seeing one of my other friends so why do I have to say anything about seeing an ex, who is just a friend?

 

However, seeing exs is a touchy subject for many and has the potential for a great deal of misunderstandings, especially if it is kept a secret, evidenced by the many threads on LS.

 

And I'm a bit of a convert to this position. It's born out of experience and reading the countless threads on the subject. I have never been with a woman who was totally cool with me meeting up with an ex.

 

Sure, maybe particularly enlightened, Zen master, maharishi, Buddhist monk types are cool with it, but much of the population isn't there yet. And you seem to understand this too because you said it is best to keep it a secret. But a secret has it's own issues as I mentioned in my other response.

 

So best to be open about it.

 

Hmmm, well Daisy's guy is pretty close to a zen master about it. He's not jealous and has a pretty reasonable attitude about it compared to most people even though he doesn't think there is much of a purpose to it. I guess I relate to that, since I typically think like he does. I agree with him that there is not much closure to gain, if any and at same time wouldn't be jealous about it, most likely. Daisy has said she kinda wants closure for herself so if she had pure intentions about that and thinks she has a good chance of getting that from meeting the ex for the lunch, it might benefit her current relationship or just her as a person. For that reason (not the only one I listed), i think there would be a reason to meet the ex and no reason to divulge it to her current bf in her case. But since she already did tell him, I think he is part of the decision now because she included him in it essentially--i think her current relationship will benefit more if she doesn't go and kinda "honors" what her now bf has said; a show of faith. He's not demanding or insisting on it but it would be nice to show him because he's included now.

 

It often comes up on this board too--two pretty distinct camps of should you tell your partner everything or is it ok to keep some of your thoughts & activities to yourself. I don't see certain things as "secrets" because my personal opinion is that, for me, you don't have to tell everything going on in your mind or your life. Doing that still doesn't stop cheating, etc. People are gonna do what they are going to do. Full disclosure isn't going to stop anything. Actually I've seen couples who now make the full entire disclosure EVERYTHING a new issue to battle over in their relationships. At a certain level, IMO, you just have to trust the other person to do the "right" thing no matter what situation they encounter (new people, ex's, whatever). I have never had a desire to monitor or be monitored. Nor feel like I was being dishonest to wrap something up from a previous relationship if I needed it for myself and my intentions were pure. But I agree lots of people feel as you do. Like you, I am very happy for Daisy, she's been waiting for this guy for a while and he sounds good.

[lovechunker]

I don't mean to be mean, but you are in a your "first proper relationship in 13.5 years" and you're willing to risk screwing it up by meeting with your ex from 13 years ago. You been watching the notebook too much. Move on.

[lovechunker]

@bachdude

 

definitely not a good idea to keep secrets man. You'll either have to bury that deep inside yourself and live with the lies or you're relationship is gonna blow in your face. Don't recommend it. That's not wise bro. If you've got the balls to meet with an ex than you better do your SO the decency to be real with them and own up to it. Some people just don't get it. I've got a buddy who does this all this time and then he complains about how his wife is so needy and I'm like "hmmm, maybe if you didn't keep all these random chicks in your life that you used to hook up with you're wife wouldn't be paranoid and needy."

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I don't mean to be mean, but you are in a your "first proper relationship in 13.5 years" and you're willing to risk screwing it up by meeting with your ex from 13 years ago. You been watching the notebook too much. Move on.

 

If you've read other previous threads- you'd know that I'm not going to meet up with my ex. My boyfriend isn't concerned that I would " screw it up" even if I did decide to meet up with him. He is just more concerned about how it effects me. Is there anything to gain? is there any point? those are the questions only I can answer, not even my boyfriend can. He'd be supportive either way, but I later today he did say " I'm glad you chose not to as I think the safest option for your heart is to stay away. Not that he is Dr Evil. Just that you could spend a better hour of your time doing more productive things than having lunch with a guy that treated you badly and let you go almost 14 years ago. If you went and had lunch with him and you realised that I'm the much better person and much better for you and that we are better together, I'd be happy. If you decided not to go and realised I'm the much better person and much better for you and that we are better together, I'd be even happier, because it goes to show, you don't need a light lunch and an possibly awkward conversation and experience in order to realise that. You declining would demonstrate that you knew that already".

 

 

I later messaged my ex in a friendly but firm decline. My boyfriend said I didn't even need to respond to it, but if it made me feel better than that was fine. I said that I am in a great new relationship and I am very happy and out of respect for him and our new relationship, I think it would be better we don't meet up, even as friends. Two reasons, it's been too long and even though it was a long time ago, we did have a history together. I however wish you all the best, and I hope you have an enjoyable Christmas and time with friends and family. I hope you can understand and I wish you all the best. Regards, Daisy.

 

I showed my boyfriend, he approved and I sent it off. My boyfriend then said " well I hope that gives him the message! Perhaps he will learn next time he contacts his list of ex-girlfriends that he can't be so presumptuous! Quite personally, I hope that's the last time both of us hear from him again". I felt smug for all of 10 seconds, like a silent and subtle " piss off ex" , but then I realised my boyfriend is just the best and is the most patient person ever, and I felt incredibly grateful like I had seriously lucked up and upgraded.

Edited December 15, 2016 by Daisy-oliviaWentcher

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

So for those who know, I am in my first adult and real serious relationship since my ex-boyfriend. My ex, however, was someone who I dated 13 and a half years ago. I have dated since my ex, had flings, but nothing stayed.

 

I guess you could call me unlucky or fussy or both, but now finally I have found my first proper boyfriend since, and I am all the more grateful, and I show my partner how grateful I am in any way that I can. It's still a lot getting used to, calling someone my 'boyfriend' even though it's been about a month and a half almost. We have made it official. We were friends forever first before he admitted one night after a few drinks that he has always loved me. When he told me this, I was shocked and went into a bit of panic mode, and then I was slightly angry at him! I asked him" why didn't he tell me much, much sooner?" It could have saved me a lifetime of singleness and painful rejections and guys who only wanted one thing! He said, he knows that he should have, but he was worried that I would reject him! After I had simmered down, we talked about it, and I said " well, you better help me make up for lost time then, in that case" in which he promised he would.

 

In that month in half, some weird things have happened, one of which my ex from almost 14 years ago contacted me. My boyfriend wasn't jealous just thought it was strange that a guy who apparently didn't care enough about me before decided to communicate with me now. And see me for something so lame as a "coffee and lunch" We discussed it together, boyfriend and I, and decided that I would not meet up with my ex for lunch- after all, I've finally found someone! What's the point- there is no closure to be had!

I told my ex in a polite, thank you, but no thank you. Too little, too late kind of way. That I was in a relationship, and it's been too long since my ex, and I had last seen each other, and even though we had a history a long time ago, there was still a history, and out of respect for my boyfriend, it's best that we do not see each other.

 

My ex wrote back and said " Although I understand of course, and wouldn' t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, I do find it very sad and disappointing I often make time during the holidays to meet up with old friends, it's something I like to do. Seeing you again over coffee and lunch would mean nothing more to me than meeting up with an old friend. I'm curious to see how you are and how things have been for you. But I understand, take care and all the best."

 

I wrote back and said " My partner is my first partner since you and I broke up. Please understand the seriousness of this. I am glad you understand, and I too wish you nothing more than the best".

 

My ex then wrote back and said " Wow!!!... Okay, in that case, I definitely understand! Best of luck! I hope it works out for you!"

 

My boyfriend was like " you didn't need to confess that I was the first relationship you've had since him- you don't owe him an explanation."

And I said, " you're right I don't. But now since he knows that now, I doubt he will ever ask me out again for lunch!"

 

Later this week, my boyfriend decided to delete all his ex's off social media, including flings and crushes he's had, saying that he wants me to know there isn't anyone he needs to acknowledge before or after me, that he's pretty sure I'm " It". And in response, I did the same. The only people in our lives that we acknowledge that we are romantically connected to is each other.

 

I know it's been a month and a half, and usually I wouldn't move this quickly, but I have known him for several years, and I trust him. I think we feel like we don't want to have anyone else in our lives apart from each other. We would like to get rid of Facebook eventually.

 

Just thought I would share an update. In the holidays, we are going camping together with his little dog, Alfred! So exciting! Just him and me and the dog! I can't wait!

[Gaeta]

It's one thing to delete old flings and exes and it's a different thing to isolate yourself because you are in a romantic relationship.

 

Do you have friends Daisy? do you keep seeing them? do you go out on double date with your BF and your friends?

 

Please do not isolate yourself. It's the very worse thing you can do when you have a new boyfriend. You need to keep on being social, make friends, spend time with family and be out there!

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm happy that you've found someone, but I agree that finding a relationship isn't about shutting off yourselves from the world. Oh sure that happens for the first few months. But I'm not sure why you want to delete Facebook as a result of the relationship.

[Gaeta]

My boyfriend was like " you didn't need to confess that I was the first relationship you've had since him- you don't owe him an explanation."

I think your BF reaction was a little over the top. It's your past and you get to share what YOU feel comfortable sharing. This is what you wanted to share with your ex, your ex's reply was pretty respectful and satisfying. It got you the result (peace) you wanted.

 

Since the beginning your BF tells you it's your decision to meet with him or not, and he trusts you, now he dictates what you should have told or not told your ex......I don't like it.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I think your BF reaction was a little over the top. It's your past, and you get to share what YOU feel comfortable sharing. This is what you wanted to share with your ex, your ex's reply was pretty respectful and satisfying. It got you the result (peace) you wanted.

 

Since the beginning, your BF tells you it's your decision to meet with him or not, and he trusts you, now he dictates what you should have told or not told your ex......I don't like it.

 

Well, I think it's more that my boyfriend was more like " you didn't have to respond" you could have just left it at that. Of course, he isn't going to tell me what I should and shouldn't say to anyone, but he's just saying like " you don't have to justify yourself to him or anyone really' I mean he's right, I didn't, but I did choose to say it, so that my ex- boyfriend knew the seriousness of it and not just that I was being petty or silly over a relationship that was almost 15 years old, I just decided to come clean and say, YOU may think I'm being OTT and way too formal about it, but there's a reason, my boyfriend is the first boyfriend since you ( ex) and I need you to know that I am focusing on him and not you. Once I cleared the air, my ex-seemed shocked in his response ( as you would be if you heard that) but understood straight away, and seemed like well in that case- yeah I get it! Best of luck for sure!!!!

 

If I share stuff with my boyfriend, I'm going to have to be prepared to hear his opinions.

 

Later my boyfriend and I had a discussion about it, and we were like ' yeah cool. Sweet and we moved on. We both agreed that it is more than likely that he will never get in contact with me again having heard that information out of respect for both of us.

 

As for the facebook thing, he decided to get rid of his flings and stuff because he says he always wanted to do it if he found the right girl, that was always his choice, that was his way of showing that he was serious. Similarly, it was my choice to do the same, before my boyfriend came on to the scene. But I have always wanted to get rid of Facebook because I have always found it to be pretentious and fake and most of my real friend's text and call not Facebook! Unless I change my settings so that only certain people can find me or even certain friends can share or like or comment or see my posts or anything. But then I have also thought it was just easier just to get rid of it entirely. Again this is my choice.

 

Just to make clear, my boyfriend is NOT controlling.

[Versacehottie]

[quote=Daisy-oliviaWentcher;7163827

I wrote back and said " My partner is my first partner since you and I broke up. Please understand the seriousness of this. I am glad you understand, and I too wish you nothing more than the best".

 

My ex then wrote back and said " Wow!!!... Okay, in that case, I definitely understand! Best of luck! I hope it works out for you!"

 

My boyfriend was like " you didn't need to confess that I was the first relationship you've had since him- you don't owe him an explanation."

And I said, " you're right I don't. But now since he knows that now, I doubt he will ever ask me out again for lunch!"

 

 

Maybe your new bf said you didn't need to say that because it is melodramatic and over the top on your part. Your first response to your ex was fine. But extra statement was too much and presents yourself as damaged goods (again) to say "understand the seriousness of this and it's my first partner since you and i broke up"????? OMG, why not just say "i'm really happy!" that conveys the seriousness of the relationship & that it's a line you don't want to cross. Not that you have the unfortune to never have had a bf all this time and are holding onto the past. That's what your second statement conveys. It's really not the best advertisement for your new bf and probably not how he wants to be seen as some guy who is rescuing you from all of 13 years of damage and hurts. "i'm really happy; he's awesome" conveys that you've moved on from 13 years ago, are not stifled by your long singledom and your new bf is awesome and THAT'S why you are with him.

 

I'm happy for you Daisy, but you've got to drop thinking that being single all this time was a bad thing. You act like damaged goods--it comes out in your speech and your actions. Let it go. You're not damaged if you don't let that be stronger than you are--sometimes it seems like it makes up the core of who you are. If you are going to do that, let it be a positive experience and characterize it as a growth experience and the GOOD fortune because it led you to your new bf, who is exactly right for you (for the present).

 

Good luck with the holidays. I'm with the others about isolating yourselves socially , I think it's a bad idea, but I like your guy and it sounds mostly positive between you two. Merry Christmas

[smackie9]

There's not an ex out there that I would "meet" for lunch. There is only one reason why they would contact me, and well I wouldn't want to go there that's for sure.

 

OP you made the right choice....you shipped his ass off to sea where he belongs.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

There's not an ex out there that I would "meet" for lunch. There is only one reason why they would contact me, and well I wouldn't want to go there that's for sure.

 

OP you made the right choice....you shipped his ass off to sea where he belongs.

You're awesome smackie!