Is it ever okay to meet up with an ex for lunch? (UPDATE)

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Question: Is it ever okay, to meet up with an ex for lunch ( even if you broke up with this guy almost 15 years ago) while your beginning a new relationship with someone else?

 

I'm in my first proper relationship in 13 and a half years and it looks like he's here to stay! ( finally. Phew. Relief. Weight off of my shoulders) But out of the blue, my ex from all those years ago emailed me to say he's in town and would love to meet up for coffee. I'm curious about him, but at the same time, I want to show my new boyfriend the gratitude, respect and appreciation he deserves.

 

Talking to my boyfriend he said " only if it offers some sense of healing and resolve. But if you have resolved and healed from that relationship, ( which he assumes that I probably have as it was a billion years ago) then there is no sense of going as it doesn't really offer me anything".

 

Part of me wishes my boyfriend was jealous about it! But he sees him as no threat as it was ions ago and we were just kids.

 

has anyone out there met up with an ex while in a relationship? and does it offer any resolve or was it just like " meh".

 

D xo

[LargoLagg]

For me, it confirmed my decision to breakup. I saw the same person I knew before, a little older and acting a little less familiar, but it was her. Nothing important had changed, and I think that's what surprised me the most.

 

You won't know what it offers until you get there.

[Gaeta]

Why in the heck would you meet with someone you broke up with 13 years ago ?

 

 

Why the heck would you risk damaging a brand new relationship for someone you broke up with 13 years ago?

 

And finally why the heck would you tell a brand new boyfriend you like and who looks like he's gonna stick around that you were contacted by an ex?

 

Geez Daisy!! You've been waiting for that special someone for years so F the ex! and concentrate on what you've got.

 

And, don't try to make a boyfriend jealous by telling him an ex contacted you. It's just a huge turn off for men. They're not stupid, he knows you told him to make him jealous.

[GCar]

Depends on the circumstances. I have remained friends with some ex's to the extent of getting coffee once or twice a year or two. They were once important to me. There are no feelings there, and I don't use it to see what I'm missing or not. I don't see anything wrong with it. Some people like to know how people are doing, it doesn't have to mean anything.

[central]

I've stayed friendly with several exes, and when we're in the same town will meet for lunch or dinner. It depends on how and why we broke up - if it was just incompatibility, that doesn't make them bad people or untrustworthy, so an ongoing friendship is possible. And why not meet just to catch up with someone you once liked? Personally, it's a non-issue for me or my wife, who has met them all, and has become friends with some.

 

 

In fact, at my father's funeral, three previous girlfriends showed up - one I had not seen nor heard from in literally 40 years! She was curious (and had known my dad when we dated, so in part was paying her respects), and we spent 5 minutes or so talking. She introduced herself to my wife and other past girlfriends - I didn't even recognize her at first, because her presence was unexpected.

 

 

I'd satisfy my curiosity in your case, and then let it go. Unless you have a very open-minded partner, it's easier that way.

[Miss Peach]

I have stayed friendly only with one ex. I have stayed NC with all my others except for XH when it concerns the kiddo.

 

The one exception I have made are people I've dated where after one or two dates we realized there wasn't enough there. I am still friendly with some of them.

 

If it were me I wouldn't go or I would invite the new BF so both guys know there is no funny business. But I am the type who likes to share all aspects of my life with a partner.

[mikeylo]

Its better not to stay in touch or meet anyone from past relationships.Relationships are difficult anyway.Why add issues to the current relationship?

 

Not worth it.

[Gaeta]

There is a big difference between going to lunch with an ex we remained friends with over the years, with whom we have an on-going friendship that has proven just being friendship over time AND accepting to do lunch with an ex just re-appearing out of nowhere.

[CommittedToThis]

I want to show my new boyfriend the gratitude, respect and appreciation he deserves.

 

Part of me wishes my boyfriend was jealous about it!

 

Hi there,

 

I find these two statements to be somewhat contradictory.

 

As for meeting with your ex, I would invite your current BF to come along if he wants. Are you comfortable with that?

[bachdude]

If you want to show your new boyfriend respect then don't go. He clearly isn't crazy about it. He said himself that unless you need healing or something to resolve then he doesn't see the need for your going. So there, you have his opinion.

[Versacehottie]

Question: Is it ever okay, to meet up with an ex for lunch ( even if you broke up with this guy almost 15 years ago) while your beginning a new relationship with someone else?

 

I'm in my first proper relationship in 13 and a half years and it looks like he's here to stay! ( finally. Phew. Relief. Weight off of my shoulders) But out of the blue, my ex from all those years ago emailed me to say he's in town and would love to meet up for coffee. I'm curious about him, but at the same time, I want to show my new boyfriend the gratitude, respect and appreciation he deserves.

 

Talking to my boyfriend he said " only if it offers some sense of healing and resolve. But if you have resolved and healed from that relationship, ( which he assumes that I probably have as it was a billion years ago) then there is no sense of going as it doesn't really offer me anything".

 

Part of me wishes my boyfriend was jealous about it! But he sees him as no threat as it was ions ago and we were just kids.

 

has anyone out there met up with an ex while in a relationship? and does it offer any resolve or was it just like " meh".

 

D xo

 

So excited you have a new boyfriend. Good for you! I know you have a tendency to overthink. I would (and have!) met up with ex-bf's. I would recommend you do the same thing--HOWEVER, you already told your new bf about it rather than keep this innocent thing to yourself. He's not cool with it so unfortunately I think the right thing to do is most likely not see your ex. Did you tell him TO try to make him jealous? I don't think couples need to share EVERYTHING. You have to be careful of the seeds you plant with another person, i.e. your new bf, because you never know what damage they may cause. If it's truly innocent and not meant to provoke jealousy, then he wouldn't really have needed to know, would he?

 

BTW, I never have met up with ex's to get "resolve". I agree with your bf on that. I only met up for curiosity, friendship, enjoy memories kind of thing or because there were still feelings, i.e. maybe we would start dating again. IMO, the having resolution is unnecessary--you can give that to yourself--especially if it was 15 years ago! What is there really to resolve???

 

anyway good luck. btw, if you don't see the ex it should be for mutual respect reasons (with your current bf) not because he told you so (didn't really sound like he did too much/at all).

[bachdude]

HOWEVER, you already told your new bf about it rather than keep this innocent thing to yourself. He's not cool with it so unfortunately If it's truly innocent and not meant to provoke jealousy, then he wouldn't really have needed to know, would he?

 

 

Sure, it's all innocent until your BFs buddy sees you meeting with another guy and he mentions it to your BF. Now what? How do you explain that?

 

 

What are you going to say when he asks, how was your day? What did you do?

 

 

What if he texts you while you are meeting your ex and asks if you can meet him for a quick coffee because he misses you?

 

 

This is really bad advice. Be honest about meeting exs, as you have been so far.

[CommittedToThis]

I don't think couples need to share EVERYTHING.

 

I agree with this in the context of a brand-new relationship ie. less than 3-6 months old. I'm not sure how long the OP and her new man have been together.

 

However once you reach a more serious stage -- and only the couple themselves know when and what that means -- then it's time for secrets about old flames showing up and wanting to meet to come out.

 

As I move forward in dating, any woman who shows a propensity for keeping secrets gets left behind.

 

I recently dumped a woman who told me, 2 weeks into some serious dating, that she was "a Scorpio, and Scorpio's like to keep their secrets. I would never keep a secret that would hurt or shame you, however."

 

I know in the grand scheme it's no big deal but her comment stuck with me and I filed it away; she pulled something more annoying a week later and that's when I ended it.

 

So yeah, the more serious the relationship, the less the need to keep secrets. For me, anyway.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Why in the heck would you meet with someone you broke up with 13 years ago ?

 

 

Why the heck would you risk damaging a brand new relationship for someone you broke up with 13 years ago?

 

And finally why the heck would you tell a brand new boyfriend you like and who looks like he's gonna stick around that you were contacted by an ex?

 

Geez Daisy!! You've been waiting for that special someone for years so F the ex! and concentrate on what you've got.

 

And, don't try to make a boyfriend jealous by telling him an ex contacted you. It's just a huge turn off for men. They're not stupid, he knows you told him to make him jealous.

 

He isn't jealous at all. I told him because I wanted to be honest with him. But yeah, he just said if you need to, but if there isn't any reason to don't. So I guess I'm not going to. Simple as that.

[bachdude]

He isn't jealous at all. I told him because I wanted to be honest with him. But yeah, he just said if you need to, but if there isn't any reason to don't. So I guess I'm not going to. Simple as that.

 

Wise decision.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

And we have kept friendly via social media ( the ex and I) well wishes and thank yous and well done's etc.... so he isn't the sorta person that would just SHOW UP out of no where. I'm also friends with one of my ex's ex's. Her and my ex had lunch together some 5 years or 6 years ago. They resolved their differences, if in fact they had any. I think personally, I have realised that I don't need a lunch or coffee to resolve an issue just like my supportive boyfriend has told me. The hatchet has been buried, it buried itself through time and space.

 

My boyfriend did incredulously sorta said " why now?" ( about the old boyfriend wanting to meet up for coffee) insinuating that the timing was strange and peculiar. But then he is a spiritual man, and he did say " sometimes when we finally move on, our old flames seem to unexpectedly recall us and try and get into contact with us as if they "know" that their old sexual tie has been severed and they have started a meaningful relationship with someone else".

 

My boyfriend appreciated me letting him know. But is a kind man, and that's why he said " if it's good for your heart and for healing, then by all means, keep a healthy boundary and go for old time's sake. But don't go if it leaves you feeling weird and strange and opens up old wounds".

 

He's good like that

[imaginarium]

I have exes I've stayed friendly with over the years. Part of that was developing a friendship. And it slowly changed from a romantic feeling to a platonic one.

 

When I met up with my ex from 15 years ago, I was not prepared for the intensity of feelings we still had. We broke up and went separate ways as teenagers, and as soon as we saw each other we knew it wasn't over. He was ending a marriage of 5 years, I've dated a lot of people. It's been over a year and the feelings are just as intense, and I'm not the only one I know that has experienced this.

 

I wouldn't walk into that unless you're ready for a mess. It can turn into one.

[Gaeta]

And we have kept friendly via social media ( the ex and I) well wishes and thank yous and well done's etc.... so he isn't the sorta person that would just SHOW UP out of no where. I'm also friends with one of my ex's ex's. Her and my ex had lunch together some 5 years or 6 years ago. They resolved their differences, if in fact they had any. I think personally, I have realised that I don't need a lunch or coffee to resolve an issue just like my supportive boyfriend has told me. The hatchet has been buried, it buried itself through time and space.

 

My boyfriend did incredulously sorta said " why now?" ( about the old boyfriend wanting to meet up for coffee) insinuating that the timing was strange and peculiar. But then he is a spiritual man, and he did say " sometimes when we finally move on, our old flames seem to unexpectedly recall us and try and get into contact with us as if they "know" that their old sexual tie has been severed and they have started a meaningful relationship with someone else".

 

My boyfriend appreciated me letting him know. But is a kind man, and that's why he said " if it's good for your heart and for healing, then by all means, keep a healthy boundary and go for old time's sake. But don't go if it leaves you feeling weird and strange and opens up old wounds".

 

He's good like that

 

I am glad you met a good man that's grounded. You don't need to meet with that ex, especially not at this time with a new man. I am glad you are making the right decision.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I am glad you met a good man that's grounded. You don't need to meet with that ex, especially not at this time with a new man. I am glad you are making the right decision.

 

I thought about just saying to the ex "Given our history ( even though it was a long time ago) I don't think it is a very wise decision to meet up even as friends. Mainly out of respect for my new partner, as we are in the beginning stages of our relationship and I am very fond of him. I wish you all the best however, and I hope you enjoy your time while your with your friends and family while your visiting. I hope you understand. Take Care. Regards, Daisy".

[PogoStick]

Why does there need to be any resolve? Why can't it just be fun to catch up with someone from 15 years ago, learn and discuss how you've both changed over the years. Why do you think there are high school reunions?

[Gaeta]

Why does there need to be any resolve? Why can't it just be fun to catch up with someone from 15 years ago, learn and discuss how you've both changed over the years. Why do you think there are high school reunions?

 

Because Daisy took a long long long time to get over that ex. He is also the only long term relationship she's had before being single for an even much longer time so....she needs to let this die She has been looking for a good man for a long time, now he's at her door. She needs to concentrate on that.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Why does there need to be any resolve? Why can't it just be fun to catch up with someone from 15 years ago, learn and discuss how you've both changed over the years. Why do you think there are high school reunions?

 

I see your point but, it's more the time+distance+ change= no sense.

The timing is way off; I haven't been with my guy for that long, and he isn't showing signs of leaving, I wouldn't want as Gaeta says damage something so awesome before it has ever begun.

The timing is eerie and bizarre. I think if I were, to be honest with myself, there are a few reasons why I wouldn't want to;

 

1) Out of respect for my new relationship. I have so much gratitude ( I have waited a long time and been single a long, long time) why stuff up something that I have only dreamt and prayed for, for so long? This is the guy who put an end to my prolonged suffering, being romantically starved for so long. And he seems trustworthy. He is worth the wait, so, therefore, worth the respect, I show him, by NOT entertaining the idea of a "light lunch and catch up". He deserves that much courtesy at the very least.

 

2) My boyfriend is respectful. He didn't assume I would be swept up by this old flame from my past, nor does he believe that my ex-wants anything other than catch up with an old love/friend. However, my boyfriend is mature and caring enough to consider my emotions and well-being first and foremost and asked ME if it was worth it. If it would be in MY best interests. Considering the time that has passed and finally being in a new relationship. As previously stated, sure, he thinks it's wacky that my ex-decides to say" let's go out for lunch "when he had plenty of opportunities while I was still single, but he knows spiritually that sometimes occurrences ( such as old flames getting in contact with us) once we are happy and moved on, is a common situation that a lot of people encounter. It does happen. Or as my boyfriend said, " perhaps he saw a picture of us together and saw the caption that someone posted of " cute couple" and decided to get into contact. In that is the case, yeah, forget about it, absolutely.

 

3) I think the subject of resolve is necessary. Some people need "closure" with an ex for them to know that that chapter in their lives is well and truly closed - so they meet up for lunch, or they go have coffee. But as my boyfriend told me last night, " you've managed this long without him, I think that chapter in your life is closed just by the share amount of time that has passed. If he was serious about making amends due to his previous behaviour ( he use to be a jerk. Even though he was just a kid and so was I at the time) then he would have made amends a life time ago.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I see your point but, it's more the time+distance+ change= no sense.

The timing is way off; I haven't been with my guy for that long, and he isn't showing signs of leaving, I wouldn't want as Gaeta says damage something so awesome before it has ever begun.

The timing is eerie and bizarre. I think if I were, to be honest with myself, there are a few reasons why I wouldn't want to;

 

1) Out of respect for my new relationship. I have so much gratitude ( I have waited a long time and been single a long, long time) why stuff up something that I have only dreamt and prayed for, for so long? This is the guy who put an end to my prolonged suffering, being romantically starved for so long. And he seems trustworthy. He is worth the wait, so, therefore, worth the respect, I show him, by NOT entertaining the idea of a "light lunch and catch up". He deserves that much courtesy at the very least.

 

2) My boyfriend is respectful. He didn't assume I would be swept up by this old flame from my past, nor does he believe that my ex-wants anything other than catch up with an old love/friend. However, my boyfriend is mature and caring enough to consider my emotions and well-being first and foremost and asked ME if it was worth it. If it would be in MY best interests. Considering the time that has passed and finally being in a new relationship. As previously stated, sure, he thinks it's wacky that my ex-decides to say" let's go out for lunch "when he had plenty of opportunities while I was still single, but he knows spiritually that sometimes occurrences ( such as old flames getting in contact with us) once we are happy and moved on, is a common situation that a lot of people encounter. It does happen. Or as my boyfriend said, " perhaps he saw a picture of us together and saw the caption that someone posted of " cute couple" and decided to get into contact. In that is the case, yeah, forget about it, absolutely.

 

3) I think the subject of resolve is necessary. Some people need "closure" with an ex for them to know that that chapter in their lives is well and truly closed - so they meet up for lunch, or they go have coffee. But as my boyfriend told me last night, " you've managed this long without him, I think that chapter in your life is closed just by the share amount of time that has passed. If he was serious about making amends due to his previous behaviour ( he use to be a jerk. Even though he was just a kid and so was I at the time) then he would have made amends a life time ago.

 

And plus I forgot to mention; did you know that a long term single entering a relationship after being single for forever, that there are a few like anxieties that come into play. It's not smooth sailing nor is it like getting on to a bike and just " knowing" how to ride one after putting it in the garage for like over a decade. The bike also needs new oil, a new bike pump etc... relationships and communication take a lot of practice! and I lack it! I have a supportive boyfriend but even he realises that the wait has been personally detrimental to me in some respects and he understand the pain that I've experienced ( even though not personally) which is why he is asking me the questions of " is this really a good move, considering how long you've waited? Will this serve any purpose for you, for our relationship?".

 

If you've been single for a long time you forget what you've been missing, and everything you do together like taking a road trip or cooking a meal together is a big deal for you- well, in this case, me ( which my boyfriend finds endearing) If this is what it feels to be in a proper, adult, supportive, healthy relationship then I wouldn't want to let this go or jeopardise it anyway ( like meeting up with an ex for lunch). Like a starved and malnourished person, I would cling on to any love that came my way, even if it was like giving McDonalds or Pizza to a starved individual. But it sure feels good to be shown love, to a love-starved person, because I know what I am consuming is what healthy love actually is, and it is nourishing, healthy and safe for me to consume. So, therefore, I am on a constant high of love nutrients, so to speak, and that is why I am totally grateful to him, and I like to show him an abundance of appreciation and thanks for his kindness for any little kind thing he does for me.

[bachdude]

You two sound like a great couple!

 

 

I wish you the best!!

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

You two sound like a great couple!

 

 

I wish you the best!!

 

 

Thanks! I'm taking a while to adjust as everything is so new. I'm trying really hard not to screw this up! So I have never had a heated discussion or argument with him. I wouldn't ever want to either. He's being patient with me which is new too. He likes feeling appreciated all the time as his ex five years ago, took him for granted a lot. So he appreciates that I waited a long, long time as he says he's never felt so appreciated and respected before. He also thinks I'm cute and funny, and he says he likes that he feels like he's taking the lead in this relationship as it makes him feel quite masculine ( his words not mine).

 

I may have a lot to learn when it comes to communication and sex and all the rest but he said he would rather have a novice, someone who appreciates new experiences that come with dating, than someone whose had years of experience, believing that they have nothing to learn or gain.

 

I regularly pinch myself and every time my phone buzzes alerting me to a text message from him, I smile, even if it is " Just leaving the house, I'll be there in 15 minutes". I smile extra big if he even asks me what I want like " do you want me to pick anything up from the supermarket?" that may be like normal coupley stuff to plenty of people out there, but I have never experienced anyone interested in what I want or would like before, or even my opinions. So I am grateful. Really grateful.

 

I can't quite believe it!!!!