Author Torn2015 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Posted December 13, 2016 Thank you everyone did not realize there was a second page of comments until now. Satu I did not grow up in a loveless environment maybe almost to loved I was spoiled by grandparents my mom would get jeoulous. Mom was alchohlic and showed her love more with material Items like gifts and she acted more like a friend than a mom. And I felt they just through around the word "love" or atleast my mom she would say I love you so much so many times a day and half the time she was drunk and I actually asked her once not to say it so much because I felt she was dilluting the word. 2
Author Torn2015 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Posted December 13, 2016 spiderowl: thank you for message it is one that I have to digest. I almost feel like deep down I love but scared to say it because have not said it for so long. I am between loving and not loving. I dont know I dont love her. Its actually kind of driving me crazy and I thought of just moving to another stae and starting over living the life I want to live but I then find myself not being able to totlly leave her. Even this separation I could of moved where I wanted to but I moved where she new I was not out of reach I think we both wanted the option to be back together. 1
Author Torn2015 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Posted December 13, 2016 Satu in regards to growing up in a loveless environment I am not sure if this has anything to do with it but when I was about 13 my mom touched me very briefly inappropriately when she was drunk and I never was close to my mom since to this day i have not gave my mom a kiss or been affectionate with her or my sister or dad now that I think about it . It had an effect on me but I am not sure if its connected to my emotions and love now. I know in my last long relationship I said I love you every day to my x girlfriend but I was not sure if I was in love with her at times but it was not to the extent that it has gotten in this relationship with my wife. 1
Author Torn2015 Posted December 13, 2016 Author Posted December 13, 2016 I was searching books on kindle and found a childrens book called what is love by Etan Boritzer and I thinked it helped me a lot.It said love is a rainbow and in the rainbow is many different types of feelings and that is love and that you should share your toys in the rainbow if you get mad and someone shares there toys with you you feel beter and you share there toys with them. I think this childrens book will really help. Call me crazy but I have to start from beggining. 2
Satu Posted December 13, 2016 Posted December 13, 2016 Satu in regards to growing up in a loveless environment I am not sure if this has anything to do with it but when I was about 13 my mom touched me very briefly inappropriately when she was drunk and I never was close to my mom since to this day i have not gave my mom a kiss or been affectionate with her or my sister or dad now that I think about it . It had an effect on me but I am not sure if its connected to my emotions and love now. I know in my last long relationship I said I love you every day to my x girlfriend but I was not sure if I was in love with her at times but it was not to the extent that it has gotten in this relationship with my wife. Lets just say that that experience was significant, and not without meaning. Reflect upon it. "Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." - Carl Jung Take care. 3
Author Torn2015 Posted December 14, 2016 Author Posted December 14, 2016 Thank you for everyones help I will no longer be checking this forum so please no more comments. Its causing anxiety. Thank you and good luck. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 14, 2016 Posted December 14, 2016 Thank you for everyones help I will no longer be checking this forum so please no more comments. Its causing anxiety. Thank you and good luck. Torn, I hope you do check this forum one more time. I understand your anxiety, but trust me, it's really important for you to push through your anxiety. It seems that it piqued for you after talking about your mother and your history. I can pretty much guarantee you that at least some of your struggles are connected to all that. It's important to deal with the anxiety and learn to tolerate your emotions and face them head on. I agree that you should stop now, because you shouldn't allow yourself to become overwhelmed. But, I hope you will come back for a few minutes here and there and "talk" a little more. 2
Author Torn2015 Posted December 15, 2016 Author Posted December 15, 2016 I am pretty sure I will keep working on my relationship at least for a couple months and spend more time after being seperated for almost four months. I am going to try and show more affection with my wife she knows what I am going through and everything I said on here I have explained to her. Maybe she will decide to leave for good if things do not get better. Maybe there has been some more anxiety in my life because i hardly talked to my mom for five years and her health has gotten really bad so I started texting and talking a lot and I did not feel right and a month ago I told her I am sorry but we can not talk so much. I have not brought up the touching/groping thing in like 12 years because the whole family gets mad and she says she was drunk and she thought I was my dad because I fell asleep in her bed watching TV. But I am not sure I can ever be close to my mom because I feel I never got an answer or closer and I never told my mom I forgive her it would just be something I would need to get over if I wanted to be close to family. but anyways I donot have a lot of energy towards this subject today I am just taking a break from a lot of things and planning a lot of life changes. We live somewhere colder and I have wanted to move somewhere warmer and have it all planned out and wife came with last summer to warmer place and she likes it. In six months I am moving with or without her. I am starting a new life with or without her. 1
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