What is Love

[Torn2015]

Me and my wife separated about three months ago and we talk everyday almost and are talking about working on our relationship. We have only been married 4.5 years.

 

Neither of us has ever cheated and I am not going to go into to much background because the major question is about LOVE.

 

I have not said I love you to my wife in about three years. I said it in my relationship before her. My family says it with every goodbye. I never felt that deep in love feeling with my wife. I was attracted to her and still want to work out things with her for a couple reasons she is really the most kind hearted caring person you will ever meet she is special, she accepts me for who I am and I am a lot to handle I have ADD I am like a kid sometimes and I am moody. I also trust her.

 

I am not sure if the questioning love thing started because I have anxiety and I overthink everything. And now I dont want to say I love you unless I am 100 percent sure. But when I read about love it says it is actions and I do a lot for my spouse I really care about her and I want the best for her.

 

It is hard to find a good therapist and I have given up we had one for a couple months and she kept pounding that my spouse deserves to be loved. I almost feel that is what drove me to move out because I felt she deserved to be loved.

 

Sometimes I almost feel at the bottom of my chest the words I love you wanting to come out but I just cant say it. Is this a mental illness? Is it a cultural thing I am kind of an unconventional person do other cultures have to say I love you?

 

I have to make a decision if I am going to get back with my wife and not hurt her again how do you decide if you love someone? I feel if you have to decide you dont but I want things to work out. Do i say I love you and its like exposure therapy and I will get more use to saying I love you?

 

Do I leave my wife now that we are separated so she can find someone that says they love her? She is 39 I am 36 I dont want to be in the dating seen again but I can handle leaving if I really had to.

 

She stopped telling me she loved me about two years ago when I stopped saying it but she says she loves me if i ask.

 

Am I to focused on the word love or is this a serious issue.

 

I wonder if it is something we can work on I am not going back to therapy I have decided some decisions you need to make on your own. Well I guess I am curious in some responses to. If anyone has gone through this would help more than people being quick to judge.

 

I know my wife deserves to be loved, she wants to here the words to and that is not asking a whole lot.

Edited December 13, 2016 by Torn2015

[RecentChange]

I never "decided" that I loved my husband, it's an emotion that came over me not too long after I met, and has always been.

 

I love his kind heart, his exceptional mind, his caring, his opinions and beliefs. I love the way he makes me feel about myself. I love the way he accepts my love and returns it with more love and gratitude.

 

It would break my heart if he couldn't say he loved me, and even more if he some how doubted that he loved me.

 

I knew a couple - he had some sort of hang up and couldn't say "I love you" - they stayed together for ten years, always this issue there. He claimed it was a mental block for him, she finally got sick of waiting and left.

 

Within two years she found someone that lives HER. They are married now and have a kid on the way.

 

And him? He found someone for himself as well. For some reason that "block" went away I guess and he tells her he loves her, and has married her.

 

The therapist is right, she deserves to be loved. Perhaps she isn't the one? Personally I can't imagine not being able to tell someone that I did love - that I loved them.

 

My husband and I exchange those words every single day.

[Torn2015]

I understand what your are saying I am just really struggling because I wish it was eaier and I did not have the block or strong feelings of love. We had a hard first couple of years I lost a job she hated her job health issues I am not sure if that burned me out. But now that I am seperated and looking from outside I still do not want to give up. But I also do not want to hurt my spouse. I am wondering if we started spending time together if we can rekindle a spark that I am looking for and I am more prepared for all the things in life that can come up that maybe I was not prepared for when we first married.

 

When you care about someone and worry about them and do not want to hurt them is that love. Would it be selfish of me to try one more time. I am keeping in mind that she is 39 and I dont want to waste anymore of her time.

[Satu]

snip

I know my wife deserves to be loved, she wants to here the words to and that is not asking a whole lot.

 

What does the word, "Love" mean to you?

 

Thats not a trick question; I'm just trying to understand.

 

 

Take care.

[RecentChange]

Personally I couldn't spend time apart from my loved one, it would break my heart to "take a break"

 

And we have been through some crap. Serious financial hardship, job losses, cheating, crap.... but we could always say "I love you" and mean it. We don't resent each other.

 

I suppose for me, I have different levels of love. I had an ex that I cared for, and didn't want to hurt, and I set him free to find someone that was just CRAZY about him, not just "cared" for him like I did.

 

For me, I have never questioned if what I feel is love or not. For me it's absolutely clear.

[Torn2015]

to me love is a word expressing to a person a deep emotion and it feels good to say it and it feels good to hear it and makes you feel secure. I am not sure if I don't lover her or the fact that I do not have a relationship with my family and sometimes when my mom will text and say I love you it makes me cringe because we do not have a relationship anymore. So i am trying to figure out if psychologically there is a reason that maybe I built some wall towards everyone. I want things to work out with my wife but I cant force the love and it is very hard to talk to my wife about not knowing if I love her or not. She actually does not believe that I do not lover her. Its just a big mess. I moved out so she can have space and she does not want to leave me. Then I start to think why does someone that i dont say I ove you to stil want to be with me? I am not sure its a codependency thing because we are independent no alcohol drug history.

[Torn2015]

to recent change: I understand what your saying you are in a normal relationship I may need to hear from someone that had the same issue and see if they got through it. If I dont hear from anyone like that it will make me think harder about trying to work things out. We want to spend Christmas together I am the one that always is cautious and puts up boundaries a lot of them now because I do not want to give her false hope. But we are planing on spending christmas together. I actually had a plan if we work on things that we would spend a day then two days then a week together and see how things go while discussing how we can fix things. I really think that she thinks that even with seperation we were going to get back together she never seemed worried and that kind of worries me I feel i am the one that is always making the decisions.

[GunslingerRoland]

You said that you were worried that your issue is a cultural thing, but you didn't specify which culture you are from and how about your wife? I'm just curious.

 

Anyway, sometimes you have to trust yourself. You can't find the words to say I love you, it drove you to move out of the house. Any therapist that tells you that your wife deserves love in your marriage you chalk up to being a lousy therapist...

 

I think at some point you have to say, as much as you may care about your wife, and as well as you treated her, at the end of the day it sounds like you really don't love her romantically. Don't let your fear of being single trap you in a marriage where you feel like that.

[dichotomy]

Except for brief occasional moments here and there in the last 10 years - I have not "felt" love for my wife in long while. I wont go into the reasons why, but I choose to continue to act lovingly most of the time.

 

Love is not a feeling - is a choice and I continue to choose to ACT lovingly.

 

My wife is different in many ways - she will say she loves me 10 times a day - says she feels it - but she regularly acts in ways that are not loving to my view.

 

What is one persons love is not another.

 

More below.

 

 

“The Road Less Traveled,” by M. Scott Peck— The experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. The essence of the phenomenon of falling in love is a sudden collapse of a section of an individual’s ego boundaries, permitting one to merge his or her identity with that of another person. The sudden release of oneself from oneself, the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved, and the dramatic surcease of loneliness accompanying this collapse of ego boundaries is experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are one! Loneliness is no more!

The experience of merging with the loved one has its echoes from the time when we were merged with our mothers in infancy. Along with the merging we also re-experience the sense of omnipotence which we had to give up in our journey out of childhood. All things seem possible! United with our beloved we feel we can conquer all obstacles. We believe that the strength of our love will cause the forces of opposition to melt away. The unreality of these feelings when we have fallen in love is essentially the same as the unreality of the two-year-old who feels itself to be with power unlimited.

Just as reality intrudes upon the two-year-old’s fantasy of omnipotence so does reality intrude upon the fantastic unity of the couple who have fallen in love. Sooner or later, in response to the problems of daily living, individual will reasserts itself. He wants to have sex, she doesn’t. She wants to go to the movies, he doesn’t. He wants to put money in the bank, she wants a dishwasher. She wants to talk about her job, he wants to talk about his. She doesn’t like his friends, he doesn’t like hers. So both of them, in the privacy of their hearts, begin to come to the sickening realization that they are not one with the beloved, that the beloved has and will continue to have his or her own desires, tastes, prejudices and timing different from their own. One by one, gradually or suddenly, the ego boundaries snap back into place; gradually or suddenly, they fall out of love. Once again they are two separate individuals.

At this point they begin either to dissolve the ties of their relationship or to initiate the work of real loving.

By my use of the word “real” I am implying that the perception that we are loving when we fall in love is a false perception—that our subjective sense of being loving is an illusion. Real love does not have its roots in a feeling of love. To the contrary, real love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is lacking, when we act lovingly despite the fact that we don’t particularly feel loving or particularly even feel like we like the person at the moment. (pp. 84, 87-88; my abridgement and adaptation)

[Torn2015]

gunslingerroland:

 

Sorry I was not very clear I am american she is Czech but has been here for 16 years. I meant to say culturally in other cutlures like india they have an arranged marriage and then I guess love grows and sometimes it works out. And I am not sure how the chinese culture express love.

 

I think the therapist was correct but that was like the second session and I wish we could have found a way to work on some issues more I felt the therapist could have taken things more slowly but I do not blame her.

 

I am not scred of being single I worry more about my wife and there is a lot of guilt. Latley I have been feeling we make a good team I am not religious but I feel like maybe god put us togther to help eachother she helps me where i need it i help her where she needs it. But the love thing is the HUGE problem.

[GunslingerRoland]

gunslingerroland:

 

Sorry I was not very clear I am american she is Czech but has been here for 16 years. I meant to say culturally in other cutlures like india they have an arranged marriage and then I guess love grows and sometimes it works out. And I am not sure how the chinese culture express love.

 

I think the therapist was correct but that was like the second session and I wish we could have found a way to work on some issues more I felt the therapist could have taken things more slowly but I do not blame her.

 

I am not scred of being single I worry more about my wife and there is a lot of guilt. Latley I have been feeling we make a good team I am not religious but I feel like maybe god put us togther to help eachother she helps me where i need it i help her where she needs it. But the love thing is the HUGE problem.

 

Well you are in America though. I know lots of Indian people and they've married for love, not out of arranged marriage. I know they still happen, but they are more transactional. Is that really something you are jealous of?

 

It's great that you and your wife help each other and compliment each other but I still think you need that romantic love. It doesn't always need to be the most sizzling can't keep your hands off each other lustful type of love. But there has to be something, it's a marriage after all.

[Torn2015]

dichotomy: thank you that makes a lot of sense and i have read about love being a decision. Maybe the way my brain works i have a degree in sociology and psychology and I Mentioned i have severe anxiety i am wondering if I overthink things. Like one of the biggest reasons i wont say Ilove you is because I thought about it in my head and I am thinking like really deep what is love and researching it and thinking over and over and I come to a conclusion that I cant say it but I could but I dont say it because I also am very caring and honest and do not want to hurt my wife with words that I am not sure about. It feels really messed up and some may say to go see a psychologist but I am not because it did not work in the past. At this point I can say I deeply care about my wife and then another way i read to think about it is would you want your daughter to be in the same situation your wife is in and no I would not. But instead of leaving her what if I became the man that her father would want her to be with. The thing the is missing is expressing love and I know its HUGE.

[Torn2015]

GUNSLINGERROLAND: I am not jealous of arranged marriage but there are a lot of articles about marriage and divorce and some say people give up to easily. I am torn between the ex sailor in me that wants to sail away and the more rational side that says you marry someone you dont just give up. I am not religious so this is not coming from religion but if you find a partner that is really a great person, trustworthy, carring I want to try and make it work and she is not going to leave me I am the one that decided to leave and I would have to file the divorce papers. I can picture being with her I think the tough decision comes in age. I have to make sure if stay married I do not hurt her again because she wants to have kids. Or do I leave so she can meet someone and have kids. Is this love issue a deal breaker. We care about each other. Some people marry knowing at the beginning that it is not love it is more like a business transaction if one has a really good job and secure then they marry. We were both two lonely people her family in another country and my family I do not have relationship with so maybe we need each other?

[LargoLagg]

Love would be that overwhelming desire that makes you feel like you just have to get this person back into your life, and you don't seem to possess it.

 

Nothing wrong with that, you just have to own up to it.

[Torn2015]

If I say to my wife for two years I dont feel deeply in love with you and I dont say I love you to her and she does not make a big deal about it and accepts it does that mean she is crazy? is it a confidence issue?

 

We got married I still feel even know we are almost at the end and separated three months if we miss each other and want to be with each other do we work on things?

 

Maybe I can do more soul searching and look for that love.

 

One of the rules in our seperation was no dating and I do not want to except I was thinkig that how do you know what the other side is like unless you go on a date what if that made me realise I need to be back with my wife.

 

My wife said if I want to date file the divorce papers. And it feels like with the option of filing for divorce and dating I am leaning towards work things out with spouse.

[Torn2015]

LARGOLAG: I understand what you are saying but almost daily I am thinking of ways to get spouse back in life like my name is on mboth leases so I was brainstorming for her to break lease come out where I am which is very peacful. We live in a big city and I moved out to suburbs and a lot of times walking around i wished she was with me and I did not go see Hacksaw ridge yet because she wants to see it so i want to see it with her. I want to go on vacation but will not go to hawaii because she always wanted to go and I want to see her face lite up when she seas the beaches.

 

Is this normal thoughts. Maybe i am just lonley. I have no life really. I do not drink so I do not go to bars.

[Satu]

snip

to me love is a word expressing to a person a deep emotion and it feels good to say it and it feels good to hear it and makes you feel secure.

 

Thats not wrong, but feeling love for someone doesn't always mean that you're full of strong emotion. It's not possible, or even desirable, to be full of strong emotions all the time.

 

Sometimes it can just be a lazy feeling of "rightness" about yourself, the other person, and the relationship.

 

It can be an absolute certainty of knowing that you would never want to part, or ever be with someone else.

 

It can mean feeling a total commitment to that persons wellbeing.

 

It isn't always the same thing all the time.

 

It has many different facets.

 

 

“I have given no definition of love. This is impossible, because there is no higher principle by which it could be defined. It is life itself in its actual unity.

 

― Paul Tillich

 

 

But here's a thing to think about:

 

We human beings have to learn how to love.

 

Ideally, we see it modelled as we go through our childhood and learn it that way.

 

Mummy and Daddy, hopefully.

 

We also learn to love by being loved.

 

Mummy and Daddy again.

 

 

I find myself wondering if you grew up in a loveless environment...

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Love is fleeting, enjoy it while it lasts.

[Satu]

Love is fleeting, enjoy it while it lasts.

 

Here is a rhyme to revive your faith in love:

 

 

“Love goes by haps; Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps”

 

 

- Much Ado About Nothing – Act 3, Scene 2.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Here is a rhyme to revive your faith in love:

 

 

“Love goes by haps; Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps”

 

 

- Much Ado About Nothing – Act 3, Scene 2.

 

Appreciate the rhyme, but it doesn't renew my faith in love,

Everyone I've loved dearly has left, it's a certainty from above,

So while it's around, enjoy it while it's so and surely have a blast,

In my experience, rarely does something so good really ever last.

[spiderowl]

I don't think it is something you have to say in a relationship, you only need to know that you care for that person very much, so much that you know they are the one you want to be with.

 

It helps the other person if you can say you love them. We all want to feel secure in a relationship, to feel we are the important one and that we are the one for our partner. Saying you love them is a way of confirming that. You can show love in so many ways by the way you treat them and the time you spend with them. We rarely choose to spend a lot of time with someone we do not have strong feelings for.

 

Is it an illness you should get over? I doubt it. It sounds like you want absolute certainly about how you feel. Feelings can fluctuate but fundamentally if you love someone those feelings don't usually go altogether. You might get cross with them or find their habits annoying, but the minute they need you, you would be there.

 

If you are not sure you love her, then maybe it is best you do not stay with her. If you know you love her but just find it difficult saying so, then can you tell her that? It is the knowledge and depth of feeling that matters.

[Satu]

Appreciate the rhyme, but it doesn't renew my faith in love,

Everyone I've loved dearly has left, it's a certainty from above,

So while it's around, enjoy it while it's so and surely have a blast,

In my experience, rarely does something so good really ever last.

 

I was being sarcastic.

 

In my experience, love is the only certainty.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I was being sarcastic.

 

In my experience, love is the only certainty.

 

Sarcasm is defined by tone, I have a hard time picking that up through text

 

Death is the only certainty I've come to realize in this life

I apologize for my dreary and somber attitude. Psychiatrist won't prescribe me meds.

[LargoLagg]

LARGOLAG: I understand what you are saying but almost daily I am thinking of ways to get spouse back in life like my name is on mboth leases so I was brainstorming for her to break lease come out where I am which is very peacful. We live in a big city and I moved out to suburbs and a lot of times walking around i wished she was with me and I did not go see Hacksaw ridge yet because she wants to see it so i want to see it with her. I want to go on vacation but will not go to hawaii because she always wanted to go and I want to see her face lite up when she seas the beaches.

 

Is this normal thoughts. Maybe i am just lonley. I have no life really. I do not drink so I do not go to bars.

Maybe you are simply lonely. Maybe another woman would do the trick, and as you say, it's difficult to know if the expectation is that you can't do it.

 

Still, this speaks to the general idea that you don't KNOW. Love is also extremely certain about what it wants.

[Torn2015]

gunslinger : I actually have that book The Road Less Traveled and i have not read it I want and got it from storage and i am reading the love sections tonight. I think this was a sign.