Mixed feelings about this Favor/ Read!/ what do you think?

November 25, 2016

He actually activated a whatsapp with the number the number that I have, but its not active anymore, uff since may 2015, the point is that this man lives in the city in a student apartment right!, and he travels here (another town) which is were I live,, to come to the university, he is here from monday to friday ,and on friday he leaves back to the city!, that is always been sketchy to me from day one ,to my family and everybody that I have told. Yet I have no proof of anything, and I have also been to that apartment in the city a couple of times as well,his excuse for not being here in this town with me is that it's deppressing and boring for him since he is a Medical student:(,( plus I admit he lives in an ugly neighborhood to say the least). but still If I am his Gf and live here ,he should come and live here so we can see each other more NOT ONCE A WEEK!!

November 25, 2016

He actually activated a whatsapp with the number the number that I have, but its not active anymore, uff since may 2015, the point is that this man lives in the city in a student apartment right!, and he travels here (another town) which is were I live,, to come to the university, he is here from monday to friday ,and on friday he leaves back to the city!, that is always been sketchy to me from day one ,to my family and everybody that I have told. Yet I have no proof of anything, and I have also been to that apartment in the city a couple of times as well,his excuse for not being here in this town with me is that it's deppressing and boring for him since he is a Medical student:(,( plus I admit he lives in an ugly neighborhood to say the least). but still If I am his Gf and live here ,he should come and live here so we can see each other more NOT ONCE A WEEK!!

So you as his gf, never see him at weekends?

November 25, 2016

@elaine567, he actually does have close to him ,always lying in the bed where he has his laptop, studying books, etc, he actually has one of those Mobile covers which cover the whole phone like if it was a book, I don,t know how there called really!, I have seen him text in front of me, but i could not see who it was,cause he was standing up!

November 25, 2016

@elaine567, not really, I would have to get a bus to go see him, I did it in the past a couple of times, but since he rented a small apartment here in town, I did not find the need to go over there, he was here from Monday til Friday which he left back again to the city!! he used to live there with his ex, I have seen girly stuff thrown in the floor, just some, an eyeliner, Kotex,and like to shopping bags that were obviously from women stores! they looked the had clothes or something, my bf is a hoarder and messy as hell, plus his apt is small and he has no space and room whatsoever. I don't want to make excuses for him at all whatsoever,,I am saying basically everything that I saw.

November 25, 2016

I hate to say it, but there is something very suspect about this. Never spending weekends together after a year and a half, living somewhere else part time, seeing ladies things in his apartment, and only having the number to his burner phone makes me think there is another life going on there. Is the smart phone connected to an actual second phone number, or does it only connect to the internet? Has he ever given you a reason for why he needs the burner phone?

November 25, 2016

@elaine567, not really, I would have to get a bus to go see him, I did it in the past a couple of times, but since he rented a small apartment here in town, I did not find the need to go over there, he was here from Monday til Friday which he left back again to the city!! he used to live there with his ex, I have seen girly stuff thrown in the floor, just some, an eyeliner, Kotex,and like to shopping bags that were obviously from women stores! they looked the had clothes or something, my bf is a hoarder and messy as hell, plus his apt is small and he has no space and room whatsoever. I don't want to make excuses for him at all whatsoever,,I am saying basically everything that I saw.

Did you see these ladies things at his apartment in your town, or at the home that you travelled to on the weekend? When you did go to see him on the weekend, was it his idea or yours?

November 25, 2016

Ok so, the ladies items are on his apt on the city, he told me they were of his ex when she lived there with him, there were not many to my eye sight just like 4 items they have been there since the first time I went to that Apartment in the city, sometimes it was my idea to go over there and other days it was his,"but I remember there was just one time I wanted to go and visit him and he couldn't see me on that weekend cause he was studying for a test and he was behind time! '' supposedly''

And well its true he should only have 1 phone which should be the smartphone and that's it ''transfer all contacts from the burner'', on the smartphone he gets online, searches for articles, audios etc, he has whatsapp, I have never heard that phone ring, but remember'' we see each other once a week, so god knows what happens the rest of the days I am not with him right!.As I mentioned before he is a medical student finishing his career' so in the smartphone, he has university peer,classmates,etc BUT NOT ME!!

Also the reason he has both phones at the same time,is because he has older contacts on the smartphone chip which was his first mobile number when he came to study in which he does not want to loose, friends,university important numbers,etc, that's his excuse and the other is that the BURNER is his daily use phone! o be honest it still sounds ****ty to me.

Edited November 25, 2016 by misspearl

November 25, 2016

Let's do a decision tree.

There are 2 phones.

You refer to them as a Burner and a Smart phone.

The confusing thing about what you call a Burner is that he uses it a lot but it's not a smart phone. He talks to his family it sounds pretty much exclusively on the burner phone. That doesn't sound like a burner phone. So the actual use of the "burner" makes it seem like it's his phone. The only confusing thing about it is that it's not a smart phone. I think that point of confusion is a distraction. Calling it a "burner" brings even more attention to that distraction. Of the two phones, this is the "known" one. It's not just known to you, but his family. It's not the problem.

The real issue is the purpose of the 2nd phone. That is the unknown. And possibly what is going on with weekends. Either it's something bad or it's not. That's the real decision tree here.

On the side of it not being something bad there are two possibilities. The first possibility I can see is that he has some unclear reason for using a non-smart phone for telephone calls but a smart phone for data communication. People have quirks. My mom will give a credit card number out freely to order something over the phone, but she'd die before typing it in to a computer. I can ask her what she thinks the person on the phone with her does with the credit card number she gives them, but it doesn't matter to her. So, the first possibility is that he has some un-articulated belief that a phone should be a phone and a computer should be a computer. I'm older than him and I can kind of understand that. Maybe he realizes this is a strange quirk and doesn't want to talk about it.

The second possibility for it not being something bad is that it is something he just feels is bad or is embarrassed about. The possibilities here are endless. Would it really be a relationship deal killer for you if he had porn? Maybe he thinks it is and that's the explanation. Maybe he has a kid from a previous relationship and that phone is the one he uses exclusively for talking to the kid. That might not be a relationship deal killer but he might think it would be. The possibilities are endless. The problem on this fork of the decision tree being that he thinks he has to hide something that's not really a problem.

The other main branch is that the Smart phone is for something bad. In which case it's bad, and you'd want to know.

The troubling thing here is that he is not helping you work this decision tree. President Regan had a phrase about nuclear disarmament: "trust but verify". I came up with a parallel thing that I believe applies to relationships and business. The best way to earn trust is to not require it. I approach relationships and negotiations trying to be as transparent as possible. Actively trying to be transparent is a fast path to building trust. If you want to earn trust, provide verification. If I was this guy, I'd do overkill on providing hard evidence to counter any concern.

So why isn't he? Either it's something bad or it's not. That's the mystery.

Going forward I see 3 options.

(1) Put up with the mystery. That's a bad choice if it ends up being something that's actually bad.

(2) Solve the mystery somehow, I don't know how. Solving the mystery is a hard one because it deals with intentions which are hard to know without trust, communication, and verification when the other party is not helping with those things.

(3) Confront him, which risks ending the relationship even if it's not something bad.

Exactly because he's not helping to build trust by actively trying to be transparent, I'd lean toward the third option of confronting him. If he's not going to actively help you solve this mystery, you should probably make him solve it or be done. If he's willing to kill a relationship over hiding something that's not really a problem, that's his problem. (So, there actually is a problem after all.)

November 25, 2016

He's not being honest with you. That's never a good sign. It sounds like it's a time to have a serious conversation with him about the phone and your relationship in general.

November 25, 2016

The whole thing stinks to high Heaven. How far away does he live? Why is he not living in the city where he goes to school? When was the last time you went to his apartment? Have you met his friends and family? What does he do on the weekends? There are far more red flags here than just a second phone.

November 25, 2016

Ok well, as for the phone – it’s possible that that phone isn’t connected to a phone line, but instead he just uses it to access the internet. That would explain why he keeps the burner phone for people he talks on the phone to (family, you) and uses whatsapp for messaging acquaintances and using the internet so he doesn’t have to pay for an expensive data based phone bill. Do you guys text over the burner phone as well, or just talk on the phone?

If that phone is connected to a phone line then it makes a bit less sense to me. I don’t know why you would pay two cellphone bills rather than just keep the ‘burner’ as a phone book and put the numbers you use most into your smart phone...

If I were you, the first thing I’d do is just ask. It’s really not even a very confrontational question to ask “so why do you have two phones anyway?”

How much time do you two spend together during the week while he’s at his apartment? And why does he go home on the weekends/keep that place if his schooling and gf are in the other town? Does he own the weekends house?

November 25, 2016

The whole thing stinks to high Heaven. How far away does he live? Why is he not living in the city where he goes to school? When was the last time you went to his apartment? Have you met his friends and family? What does he do on the weekends? There are far more red flags here than just a second phone.

Exactly is way more than a second phone ufff the last time I went was last year for valentines day, he lives in the city which is almost an hour away!! he goes there on weekends cause he says he dislikes this town and it depresses him and its not the ''same'',Since he has his apt here in town as well I did not find the need to go visit him in the city (it is tedious in a way) he is here from Monday to Friday and later on that same Friday he travels back to the city, and supposedly all he does is study study and more study to pass his medical license exams!

The only friend of him I know is his ex roomate which I have never talked to just seen him,cause I don't know what happened between them andthen he decided to live alone, and he also mentions another friend which is older than him but I never have seen him in my life, my bf's family lives in the U.S.A since we are foreigner students abroad! uhm in less words he does not have many friends if not any, and I don't know them, neither speaked to them or seen them.

November 25, 2016

To me this is like a complex puzzle and I want to put all the pieces together and resolve this and see whats up with him,because being with him for almost 3 years like this is frustrating and knowing him he wont say a word or tell me the truth.

November 25, 2016

You "do not find the need to go visit him in the city (it is tedious in a way)"

So not only do we have a guy who isn't being transparent with his phones, but we also have a woman who doesn't feel the need to see him on a weekend. I read elsewhere that you expect him to move to be with you.

This is sounding unhealthy on both sides of the relationship. If you find visiting him on weekends "tedious", why bother to be with him at all?

November 25, 2016

I have asked him and he says that the ''small non smartphone'' AKA the burner, is his official mobile, and the other he just pays some money so they don't cut the line and because he has family numbers, his mom,schools.university, but now I remember he told long time that, that other mobile number (the smartphone one) he uses it when he travels back to the states.maybe it an american mobile line number.

We see each other once a week here in his town apartment, since he studies in the medical field its a little hard to manage,

He rents the place in the city,and he told me he does not live here cause this town is to deppressing,and he dislikes it,and his neighborhood is quite ugly to be honest not very good. so he rather travel back and forth,mon-fri he is here and that same friday he goes back to the city and comes back monday again, and well thats his routine,

My bf I admit is quite mysterious, if he goes visit his family to the states for a holiday lets say: he does not tell me when he is leaving, he calls me when he is there instead, he has always been like this does not like to give to much away! its kinda weird.

November 25, 2016

You "do not find the need to go visit him in the city (it is tedious in a way)"

So not only do we have a guy who isn't being transparent with his phones, but we also have a woman who doesn't feel the need to see him on a weekend. I read elsewhere that you expect him to move to be with you.

This is sounding unhealthy on both sides of the relationship. If you find visiting him on weekends "tedious", why bother to be with him at all?

Well since he comes here from Monday to Friday, I find that ok, plus he never tells me '' oh come and visit me this weekend'' and if I asked him now he will say ''well you know I am studying and I don't have much time'' I mean Anyones motivation goes to the floor like that.don't you think?!!

November 25, 2016

he has not deceived you, he always openly had 2 phones, you can not expect to change him, it is not working

apart from the 2 phone mystery, how does he treat you? do you get on? is he loving? fun? what keeps you with him?

November 26, 2016

he has not deceived you, he always openly had 2 phones, you can not expect to change him, it is not working

apart from the 2 phone mystery, how does he treat you? do you get on? is he loving? fun? what keeps you with him?

He is ok,not too lovey dovey I would say, sometimes I realize we barely kiss, I believe he does not like kissing very much!,( my breath is fine).

November 26, 2016

Another thing I must say is my bf is not the social media type at all in fact at the beginning of our relationship he said he disliked facebook and posting pictures and all that sorta stuff,, so I decided to check with his email and he happens to have a fake facebook account with a fake name with the email he gave me of him He had already told he did have this fake facebook account and he did not use it,perfect!, so a couple of months ago I discovered my boyfriend uses another different email which I caught him logging on g-mail and without him watching me I wrote it down super quick on my phone and decided to check on facebook AGAIN with that new email.!!

Ok so I went on facebook as I said and checked with this new email and it had no content on it whatsoever (Private profiles appear like that) it had another fake name as well, but this time it has a profile picture of himself, which is actually very very weird since he hates taking pictures, that's what he told me that he never likes pictures and there's very few pics of him that his family has taken etc (believe me back in Thanksgiving 2014 that was a dilemma he did not want to take one single picture with me because he ’’ hates’’ pictures and that he did not look apropriate for pics blah blah and so on....) anyway I don’t know if I am overreacting.

Another thing is that he has only 1 person in common with me, which happens to be a teacher of the university which is said to be gay or bisexual. mostly bisexual,Its weird he only has him especifically from a few people we know in common, and he only!! has him.Since I dot have him as a friend and his profile is private I cannot see any content,friends list or anything.

Edited November 26, 2016 by misspearl

November 26, 2016

so you feel you are not central to him, ok, only you know if you want him

perhaps he just does not trust people, you can not force him to explain himself and his on-line life, he is studying, and that is hellishly demanding

i can not live this for you, but you two do not seem that close or enthusiastic

November 26, 2016

He is ok,not too lovey dovey I would say, sometimes I realize we barely kiss, I believe he does not like kissing very much!,( my breath is fine).

Are you sure he is your bf?

He sees you once a week and never at weekends and you have never met his friends or family, he has two phones one of which you do not know the number of, he is very mysterious regarding his whereabouts and will not kiss you.

l am sorry, but it sounds like he is just using you as a fwb/fb/free prostitute.

Edited November 26, 2016 by elaine567

November 26, 2016

I don't know how to approach this situation and put a stop once and for all, The fact that I have not done is that I am the worst person when it comes down to talking out a situation, I get intimidaded to talk face to face and well I want this person, but I also don't think is fair for me to be sucking it all up just because I want him or thinking he is going to change!

November 26, 2016

Let's do a decision tree.

There are 2 phones.

You refer to them as a Burner and a Smart phone.

The confusing thing about what you call a Burner is that he uses it a lot but it's not a smart phone. He talks to his family it sounds pretty much exclusively on the burner phone. That doesn't sound like a burner phone. So the actual use of the "burner" makes it seem like it's his phone. The only confusing thing about it is that it's not a smart phone. I think that point of confusion is a distraction. Calling it a "burner" brings even more attention to that distraction. Of the two phones, this is the "known" one. It's not just known to you, but his family. It's not the problem.

The real issue is the purpose of the 2nd phone. That is the unknown. And possibly what is going on with weekends. Either it's something bad or it's not. That's the real decision tree here.

On the side of it not being something bad there are two possibilities. The first possibility I can see is that he has some unclear reason for using a non-smart phone for telephone calls but a smart phone for data communication. People have quirks. My mom will give a credit card number out freely to order something over the phone, but she'd die before typing it in to a computer. I can ask her what she thinks the person on the phone with her does with the credit card number she gives them, but it doesn't matter to her. So, the first possibility is that he has some un-articulated belief that a phone should be a phone and a computer should be a computer. I'm older than him and I can kind of understand that. Maybe he realizes this is a strange quirk and doesn't want to talk about it.

The second possibility for it not being something bad is that it is something he just feels is bad or is embarrassed about. The possibilities here are endless. Would it really be a relationship deal killer for you if he had porn? Maybe he thinks it is and that's the explanation. Maybe he has a kid from a previous relationship and that phone is the one he uses exclusively for talking to the kid. That might not be a relationship deal killer but he might think it would be. The possibilities are endless. The problem on this fork of the decision tree being that he thinks he has to hide something that's not really a problem.

The other main branch is that the Smart phone is for something bad. In which case it's bad, and you'd want to know.

The troubling thing here is that he is not helping you work this decision tree. President Regan had a phrase about nuclear disarmament: "trust but verify". I came up with a parallel thing that I believe applies to relationships and business. The best way to earn trust is to not require it. I approach relationships and negotiations trying to be as transparent as possible. Actively trying to be transparent is a fast path to building trust. If you want to earn trust, provide verification. If I was this guy, I'd do overkill on providing hard evidence to counter any concern.

So why isn't he? Either it's something bad or it's not. That's the mystery.

Going forward I see 3 options.

(1) Put up with the mystery. That's a bad choice if it ends up being something that's actually bad.

(2) Solve the mystery somehow, I don't know how. Solving the mystery is a hard one because it deals with intentions which are hard to know without trust, communication, and verification when the other party is not helping with those things.

(3) Confront him, which risks ending the relationship even if it's not something bad.

Exactly because he's not helping to build trust by actively trying to be transparent, I'd lean toward the third option of confronting him. If he's not going to actively help you solve this mystery, you should probably make him solve it or be done. If he's willing to kill a relationship over hiding something that's not really a problem, that's his problem. (So, there actually is a problem after all.)

I will confront him cause I am sick of tired of this( I admit I am not good in communicating I get intimidaded especially face to face), plus he is almost graduating, and as far as I remember a good friend of mine told me:''be careful with the way hes is with you (I had explained the same situation I planted in this forum) because as soon as he finishes the career and graduates he might finish with you too or dissapear, he also said:'' I don't know this men and what his intentions are with you, but me as a men can tell you you have to be careful.

So do you think is better to just end the relationship for good without drama and explanation?, or is better to talk to him relaxed and with details, and just explain everything in calmed manner?

November 26, 2016

Why did you endure all this non sense for so long? This man treats you like commodities and you let him, why? Even your family told you something isn't right with this man and you still give it all of your loyalty, time and feelings. Why? because he is a medical student? What makes him so special that you endure all this poo? If he were a plumber let me doubt you'd put up with it.

There is nothing to discuss with this man, move on.

November 26, 2016

I agree with Elaine -- he doesn't sound like a boyfriend. I can't really wrap my brain around a boyfriend who never wants to see his girlfriend on the weekends. (Or frankly, a girlfriend who finds it too tedious to travel an hour to her boyfriend's place in the city on a weekend.). All around, your relationship does not seem typical. Does he tell you he loves you? Have you discussed a future together? Does his family in the USA even know about you? It really does seem like he's not invested in your relationship and may well be dating others.

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